Grief and BPD - how do they cope, how can we help?

[wakingfirst]

I'm looking for info on how people with BPD respond to grief and any feedback, advice on how to help them.

My pwBPD is an ex with whom I'm still close.  Like I've said in previous posts, he lives a ways away and coping with him and his issues is a challenge, but one I'm still wanting to meet.

Just a day ago, a close friend of my ex died.  This was an older man, a father figure for my ex for the past 30 yrs.  My ex has responded to his death by withdrawing to his house, listening to music, avoiding sleep and drinking scotch - sadly, that's his reaction to most strong emotion these days.  BUT he did contact me, which I took as a good sign.  I encouraged him to talk, to tell me stories about the man who died, and this seemed to help a bit.  I'm keeping in pretty close touch with him now - not much I can do from a distance, but I'm checking in and he seems to like that.

The thing is, my ex's dad is very old and sick - he could die any day.  I feel like this other man's death is a dress rehearsal for that, and it has got me thinking.  My pwBPD has no siblings, and his mom killed herself when he was a kid.  His relationship with his dad is very up and down.  I'm wondering how he will handle it when his dad dies and what, if anything, I will be able to do to help.

I'd be grateful if anyone has any ideas, any stories to share... .thanks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

You are a very good friend to your Ex, wakingfirst, and have been doing a very good job of showing him that you care... .

It seems to me that anyone--BPD or not--in the situation he is in would have a hard time dealing with the grief, and treating him as any other loved one is something you can do is a good start... .

Grief is one of the universal human emotions, and since every human is unique, it's hard to know exactly what they are feeling and going through, or how it is affecting them inside... .treating your Ex in times of grief like you would want to be treated, or following your compassionate instincts, seems to be working right now. You are a wonderful friend to him 

[Jessica84]

I had the same question... .kind of found an answer in the book "Loving Someone with Borderline PD"... .

Take an emotion like grief and ask yourself how you would feel if you lost someone close to you. Multiply that times 10 and that might be the way a pwBPD experiences the same emotion. Hard to imagine. The impulse to escape the pain (and the intensity of it) must be horrific.

Watch for self-destructive behaviors - don't use reason or rationale to explain why what he is doing is 'wrong' (because it likely will be) - but show him you care by validating his feelings and remind him you're there for him. Really, that's all we can do for anyone suffering from grief, like Rapt Reader says.

[mstnghu]

This is a bit of a sticky subject for me. My wife's maternal grandma died a couple years ago and my wife was completely heart broken. They were very close. I was very supportive and I loved her grandma too and was also sad.

My maternal grandpa died a year later and my wife was completely indifferent. I was broken up but she didn't really care much. She did her spousal duties of attending the funeral like a good wife. She didn't actually care though.

My experience is that people with BPD want everybody to obsess over their "woes" but can't return the feelings. When my wife saw me upset about my grandpa dying and I then was being nostalgic about my paternal grandparents who'd died previously, she pretty much blew me off... .because the death of her grandma was so much more important to her.

A few years ago my wife and I had to go to Las Vegas for a convention my wife needed to attend for her job. We had rented a car and I wanted to take my wife and show her where my grandparents used to live and where I used to spend time each summer growing up. It was a big deal to me. She had no interest whatsoever in seeing their old homes and walking down memory lane with me. We headed back to our hotel room on the strip quickly.

I have a hard time have sympathy toward my BPD wife these days because she can't reciprocate.

Sorry, I'm not much help. I'm still trying to figure out how to be empathetic toward my BPD wife.