why do BPDs cheat so much?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i was most probably cheated on A LOT by my xBPDgf. why do they do it? she seemed so in love with me, yet so needy to cheat... .?

was it my fault? was i not enough so she had to find what i didnt give her as a man in someone else all the time?

[jflc]

i was most probably cheated on A LOT by my xBPDgf. why do they do it? she seemed so in love with me, yet so needy to cheat... .?

was it my fault? was i not enough so she had to find what i didnt give her as a man in someone else all the time?

[clydegriffith]

In my case i was cheated on blatantly with total disregard for me and my daughter. She had a carosel of different guys coming in and out of the house with the kids in the next room. Their was no line she wouldn't cross. Nobody was off limits- not my friends, not people married to her friends... .nobody. I think she did it for the thrill of doing something she's not supposed to do, like an addiction. When i tell people all the crazy things she did the first they ask me is if she had some sort of drug problem. The answer to that is no. She didn't drink or smoke but this sex addiction of hers caused just as many problems if not more than any substance abuse.

[Rise]

jflc,

I know how much this hurts, but I promise you, it's not about you. It's about her. She was looking for something that NOBODY will ever be able to give her. She's looking for something to fix her. She's looking for something to take away her pain. And she'll probably spend the rest of her life looking for it everywhere but the one place it can be found; in herself. Nobody can fix anyone but themselves. I know I went through the same feelings. I had the same thoughts when I was cheated on. I wondered what was wrong with me. But I came to realize, there wasn't anything wrong with me. She's the one with the problem. It's tough to see these things right now, I know, but give it time, and you'll see the same thing: There is nothing wrong with you. It's her.

Stay Strong,

Rise

[Waifed]

I think it helps to falsely build their self esteem. They need to feel wanted. It is an endless need. It probably helps to soothe those needs in the short term. They tend to be impulsive and this leads ultimately to self destruction. The shame or guilt (if they have any guilt) depends on where they lie on the spectrum of BPD. My ex showed tremendous shame when I caught her. I don't know if it was because she knew that was the one boundary she could not cross and I would leave or if she truly was shamed and embarrassed. I tend to think it was because her fear of abandonment kicked in like I had never seen after that.

[RedDove]

jflc,

I know how much this hurts, but I promise you, it's not about you. It's about her. She was looking for something that NOBODY will ever be able to give her. She's looking for something to fix her. She's looking for something to take away her pain. And she'll probably spend the rest of her life looking for it everywhere but the one place it can be found; in herself. Nobody can fix anyone but themselves. I know I went through the same feelings. I had the same thoughts when I was cheated on. I wondered what was wrong with me. But I came to realize, there wasn't anything wrong with me. She's the one with the problem. It's tough to see these things right now, I know, but give it time, and you'll see the same thing: There is nothing wrong with you. It's her.

Stay Strong,

Rise

Jflc, I concur with Rise and couldn't have said it better myself. I'm sorry you experienced cheating and were betrayed by someone you were completely loyal to and trusted. Its an awful and painful thing to do to someone who loves you. I experienced the same deceit and cheating. At first I thought it was me and wondered what I did or didn't do that drove my ex BPDbf to the OW. After spending several months on this site and reading similar stories, I now know it was him. It's always about them and their needs, whether emotional or physical, they have a bottomless pit with holes that they need to fill constantly. They are always looking for a high (attachment/supply) to fill the deep void and emptiness inside of themselves.

When I discoverd my ex BPDbf deceit and cheating, I confronted him. I did not know at the time he suffered from BPD. I knew something was very wrong when my needs (emotional or physical) were not being met. I spent 4 years in a r/s with my ex BPDbf trying to find answers, understand what exactly was wrong with him to fix it and make us work. When I confronted him, he dissociated, projected and finally revealed the deep, dark demon inside of him called BPD. It broke my hear into a million pieces to end it and walk away.

When we parted that last night after our confrontation, he got in his car and likely drove straight to the OW's house. He likely didn't even mention our break up, fight, altercation and just jumped into bed to soothe the deep shame and regret he felt. He got his fix to fulfill his need and feel better at the moment.

I had to rewrite the experience through new BPD glasses/lenses. My interpretation of his response and actions was to think of it in terms of a 5 year old childs reaction. He had a sweet lollipop that "he" dropped on the ground. He got upset and began crying because it was covered in dirt. Then he saw a new, unopened, replacement lollipop. He grabs it and is soothed by the new lollipop, completely forgetting about the old one that he perceived was bad and let him down in some way. He'll continue to find replacements, rinse and repeat.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My ex GF has multiple partners.  Probably still going thru her rotation, now that I'm black-flagged for good, I guess.

She always managed to relay that men are interested in her during conversations.  

The problem is, she told me one thing, but acted another way.  That's what these people do, because they CAN and want to have more than one partner (thanks to most of us who think we can help/change/make them realize we are the perfect mates). At least the ones who have sexual relations with a BF / GF plus the partners behind the scenes.

Mine is an expert at concealment.  So good, in fact, that it took her ex (partner before I came along) to crack her password on her phone, and read thru her e-mails and PMs to cement what had long been suspected.  I, of course, had no idea of her activities outside of our time spent together, until he contacted me (never met him to this day). His goal was to make me depressed and angry, driving a wedge between her and I, so he could go bac k for his 3rd or 4th recycle without me in the picture.

When my ex realized the "expose" had been circulated, she shut down and just deflected.  No more "I'm sorry".

Her attitude turned cold and calculated: "Men are so f***ing sensitive." When she reconnected with me just before her kid was born last winter, she provided a self analysis which I wish she had told me early on when we became involved: "I want to feel that spark of romance, and keep the flame burning, but for reasons no other than myself, I just can't."

Reason being BPD and her unwillingness to get help (besides being  a D hypersexual, she's a high functioning alcoholic).