jflc,
I know how much this hurts, but I promise you, it's not about you. It's about her. She was looking for something that NOBODY will ever be able to give her. She's looking for something to fix her. She's looking for something to take away her pain. And she'll probably spend the rest of her life looking for it everywhere but the one place it can be found; in herself. Nobody can fix anyone but themselves. I know I went through the same feelings. I had the same thoughts when I was cheated on. I wondered what was wrong with me. But I came to realize, there wasn't anything wrong with me. She's the one with the problem. It's tough to see these things right now, I know, but give it time, and you'll see the same thing: There is nothing wrong with you. It's her.
Stay Strong,
Rise
Jflc, I concur with Rise and couldn't have said it better myself. I'm sorry you experienced cheating and were betrayed by someone you were completely loyal to and trusted. Its an awful and painful thing to do to someone who loves you. I experienced the same deceit and cheating. At first I thought it was me and wondered what I did or didn't do that drove my ex BPDbf to the OW. After spending several months on this site and reading similar stories, I now know it was him. It's always about them and their needs, whether emotional or physical, they have a bottomless pit with holes that they need to fill constantly. They are always looking for a high (attachment/supply) to fill the deep void and emptiness inside of themselves.
When I discoverd my ex BPDbf deceit and cheating, I confronted him. I did not know at the time he suffered from BPD. I knew something was very wrong when my needs (emotional or physical) were not being met. I spent 4 years in a r/s with my ex BPDbf trying to find answers, understand what exactly was wrong with him to fix it and make us work. When I confronted him, he dissociated, projected and finally revealed the deep, dark demon inside of him called BPD. It broke my hear into a million pieces to end it and walk away.
When we parted that last night after our confrontation, he got in his car and likely drove straight to the OW's house. He likely didn't even mention our break up, fight, altercation and just jumped into bed to soothe the deep shame and regret he felt. He got his fix to fulfill his need and feel better at the moment.
I had to rewrite the experience through new BPD glasses/lenses. My interpretation of his response and actions was to think of it in terms of a 5 year old childs reaction. He had a sweet lollipop that "he" dropped on the ground. He got upset and began crying because it was covered in dirt. Then he saw a new, unopened, replacement lollipop. He grabs it and is soothed by the new lollipop, completely forgetting about the old one that he perceived was bad and let him down in some way. He'll continue to find replacements, rinse and repeat.
