When i think she might come back and realizes her mistake , my day goes better

[guy4caligirl]

I don't know if that is good or not but I have faith that she might , and I sure do know what to expect , treatment is a must .

I feel if it helps go through this period then why not hope I take it this way she has been gone for 4 months 5 years  R/S

Need some feed back please ?

[Seriously?]

I truly believe our minds do not process everything at once. That is a protection. When my husband was first gone, I don't think I could have dealt with knowing it was really the end. I honestly believe I could have suffered a mental break. Although I had very limited contact with him, I kept hope alive in my heart for months. He and I have only had 4 conversations since we have separated. Only one of those, the last one, held any truth. I am still very sad and sometimes I doubt what I have come to know is he has a serious disorder I cannot love him out of. What I am saying is it didn't hurt me to hold onto hope. I could still do what was healthy for me behavior - wise and my heart was much more ready to hear the truth once it became apparent. How could I have not lost my own mind had I been forced to accept my marriage.was.over after 4 months? I really believe that hope helped me and somehow prepared me for something I wouldn't wish on anyone ever.

[peiper]

I held out hope for months even after all she pulled. Then I realized it was keeping me mired in the BPD mud, so I gave up that hope by making a list of everything she did good and another of everything she did bad. I almost ran out of ink making the bad list, whereas the good list only had three things on it. It made me wake up that what I was pining away for was the fantasy she projected of who she was and what our life would be like. I don't want back in that hell ever again.

[mitchell16]

i think its normal to feel that way, I know I did on every breakup. I would stay home, waiting on that call from her that I knew would surely come and it did. Once I did, she would promise the world or tell me how in 3 or 4 weeks she was all better, was going to church and saw how she had acted. Only thing was once she had me back and she was sure I was back, hooked again the old her what start right back up. I started losing hope in teh dream that we would ever have a normal life. One of trust, love and caring etc... She ahd all that but I didnt. How could I ? she lied, raged, pushed me away. Once I lost hope, I was easier to just let it all go. I could recycle right now with her, shes been reaching out, texting me, calling me, driving by my work. BUt I have to remind myself why would I want back in that hell. Becuase I know she hasnt changed, not one bit. Thats what brings me confort and allows me to stay NC. Ive gave her all the chances in the world. I found someone who cares about me like someone should and its mutual. I give she gives. Its not all take. I think about my exgf and I do miss her. The "her" that is sweet, funny, smart and sexy but the only problem is I know that " her" is not real and she can only maintain that facade for a short time and then the monster has to let out. and its the monster that I can no longer deal with.

[CareTaker]

When i think she might come back and realizes her mistake

This thought has crossed my mind. But I can't take her back for reasons being:

1) Once I realizing my ex was different, I looked for answers on the internet. I studied BPD, in a hope to better our relationship. Yet I soon realized that the disorder is bigger than me, and the bit of knowledge I have could not overcome our the disorder.

2) This relationship brought the worst out in me. Maybe some of the disorder rubbing of on me, I don't know. In the end I became depressed and withdrew from intimacy. I lost interest in my work and we where fighting 24/7. She was putting pressure on me to get pregnant, despite all our problems.

Then one day I just left, she got a replacement and I am never going back. I had given so much for this relationship, and got nothing but insults and demands in return. I don't want to be in this kind of relationship. I think it is a matter of choice, and if you have really loved in the past, there is no way you will ever want this relationship over again.

Although I spent 3 years in this relationship, now I do know what I don't want.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I get what you are saying. Having some hope, sort of gets you through. I did that for a week or so, but now I've resigned myself that he is not coming back. I'm grief stricken, having panic attacks, having crying jags still, but I do know it's for the best. For ME. I was willing to hang in there, but he was not. He doesn't really want to get better, and I think he realized just how often he was hurting me. Not that it really bothered him, but it got to be too much for him to deal with. It's all about HIM, and my hurt over his rages, blame and dysregulation became a drag for him. Plus, his three hateful, likely PD daughters, had excluded me to the point that he felt he had to choose them or me. I was not allowed at their functions, and he chose them.

Part of me hates him, but part of me loves him. I know he won't come back. He threatened me with divorce for nearly the entire time we were married, I think not only for control, and to rob me of all security, but because he was thinking of it. He's cowardly. He blames others for all his own issues. I'd love for him to want to come back, like he did last time(when I gave him the "break" he was always requesting), and I don't know what has changed since then. That time he wanted to come home, maybe because I was the one who said "I'll give you that break, because I'm about to have a break down"? Maybe it's that HE controlled when he left, instead of me?

I miss him, I still love him, but he NEVER deserved me. I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treated me. He was cruel, and he enjoyed being cruel. Now, he can be cruel to someone else. I'm going to find peace.

[guy4caligirl]

Yes, I get what you are saying. Having some hope, sort of gets you through. I did that for a week or so, but now I've resigned myself that he is not coming back. I'm grief stricken, having panic attacks, having crying jags still, but I do know it's for the best. For ME. I was willing to hang in there, but he was not. He doesn't really want to get better, and I think he realized just how often he was hurting me. Not that it really bothered him, but it got to be too much for him to deal with. It's all about HIM, and my hurt over his rages, blame and dysregulation became a drag for him. Plus, his three hateful, likely PD daughters, had excluded me to the point that he felt he had to choose them or me. I was not allowed at their functions, and he chose them.

Part of me hates him, but part of me loves him. I know he won't come back. He threatened me with divorce for nearly the entire time we were married, I think not only for control, and to rob me of all security, but because he was thinking of it. He's cowardly. He blames others for all his own issues. I'd love for him to want to come back, like he did last time(when I gave him the "break" he was always requesting), and I don't know what has changed since then. That time he wanted to come home, maybe because I was the one who said "I'll give you that break, because I'm about to have a break down"? Maybe it's that HE controlled when he left, instead of me?

I miss him, I still love him, but he NEVER deserved me. I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treated me. He was cruel, and he enjoyed being cruel. Now, he can be cruel to someone else. I'm going to find peace.

Maybe it's that HE controlled when he left, instead of me?

You are absolutely right , his fear of abandonment from you made him wanting to be the dumper Coward .

Hang in there and keep the hopes up it's a big storm that passing through .It only get better spring will come no matter what .

[Rise]

I don't know if that is good or not but I have faith that she might , and I sure do know what to expect , treatment is a must .

I feel if it helps go through this period then why not hope I take it this way she has been gone for 4 months 5 years  R/S

Need some feed back please ?

I'm normally very much a supporter of whatever it takes to get through it. We all have our own healing process, and you're the only one that knows what you need to get through things. And if this is really what you need to survive right now, then it's what you need. But please be careful guy. Hope can be a dangerous thing. It can keep us stuck when what we need to be doing is moving forward. It can be something we use to get through the hard times, but just as easily it can be what keeps us anchored there as well.

Ultimately healing means we have to be willing to let go of things and move forward in our lives. And no lie, moving forward can be scary. There's a lot of uncertainty there. It means moving into uncharted waters, not knowing how things are going to work out. That can be terrifying for some of us (I know it is for me at times). And sometimes it's easier for us to hold onto things than it is to move forward. And that's not healthy. It's holding onto a sinking ship that's going to slowly drag you under, when what you need to be doing is swimming towards shore.

I'm not trying to be Mr. "Abandon-all-ye-hope" here, I just don't want to see thing hamper your journey to a better place. I guess I'm just trying to say... .be realistic about things. Don't put your life or healing on hold because you're waiting for her to get better and come back. If you find comfort in the thought, then more power to you, as long as that comfort doesn't become unhealthy. Don't let it paralyze you. If you have faith things might someday work out with your ex, that's fine, just as long as you know that you'll be okay if they don't.

Best luck Guy.

[clydegriffith]

i think its normal to feel that way, I know I did on every breakup. I would stay home, waiting on that call from her that I knew would surely come and it did. Once I did, she would promise the world or tell me how in 3 or 4 weeks she was all better, was going to church and saw how she had acted. Only thing was once she had me back and she was sure I was back, hooked again the old her what start right back up. I started losing hope in teh dream that we would ever have a normal life. One of trust, love and caring etc... She ahd all that but I didnt. How could I ? she lied, raged, pushed me away. Once I lost hope, I was easier to just let it all go. I could recycle right now with her, shes been reaching out, texting me, calling me, driving by my work. BUt I have to remind myself why would I want back in that hell. Becuase I know she hasnt changed, not one bit. Thats what brings me confort and allows me to stay NC. Ive gave her all the chances in the world. I found someone who cares about me like someone should and its mutual. I give she gives. Its not all take. I think about my exgf and I do miss her. The "her" that is sweet, funny, smart and sexy but the only problem is I know that " her" is not real and she can only maintain that facade for a short time and then the monster has to let out. and its the monster that I can no longer deal with.

That sounds exactly like what i went through for approximatley two years. As sweet and charming as she could be it's always just a matter of time before the beast rears it's ugly head.

[embeddedstuck]

In my case, I did hope for that, but mine actually did do that, right after she made me feel like she was into a new relationship.

She dumped me during the summer and jumped in a new sexual relationship with some guy online. She called me a month after NC and basically rubbed it in my face while also appearing like the victim. Then a few weeks after that she texted me that she loved me and basically wanted to make up and get back together.

I gave her the second chance and love she wanted. She said she had made the biggest mistake of her life by leaving me. Then suddenly, 2 months after that she dumped me again at the end of October in the same fashion as before.

I'm like you OP. Once I again I find myself hoping she'll come back again, and this time she will have realized her mistake for sure. I know that's not a good way to think though.

[guy4caligirl]

I think it dependence on the case one by one , you are the only one that knows how it's is so make your choices of what your heart wants it's life nothing is perfect . as I think this way I will see what she has to say and go from there

But she said multiple times she isn't coming back but she is BPd so I donno