He is convinced I am having an affair

[PacifistMom]

He is convinced I am having an affair and laid out all of the evidence to me this morning.

(Also that I am out to ruin him and sticking around for his money.)

How do I put his fears to rest without JADEing? He is absolutely obsessed with how I am ruining him, spending all of his money (I have a newer business, he is working), and currently how I am having an affair.

If I specifically address all the things he listed that have brought him to this conclusion, I am "justifying" and lying.

I simply told him, none of that is true.

It's always the same question since his obsessions are almost always me and how I am ruining him. How do I empathize and reassure him without JADE?

I am in therapy with a DBT specialist but haven't addressed the affair obsession specifically.

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[maxsterling]

Say "I'm not having an affair" and then don't justify his delusions with further explanations.  Leave it at "NO".  I'm curious what his "evidence" is.  I had a previous partner claim she had proof because of a "vision" she had.  You really can't argue with the absurd - if he won't take "NO" there is nothing more you can really do but place a boundary that says you won't have those conversations with him because he won't trust you.

[PacifistMom]

I have boundaries in place about my phone. This is explained in previous posts from maybe a year ago, but comes down to he picks on my family members and acquaintances text messages to make them about him or about how they are taking advantage of him and/or me.

So he is obsessed with my phone.

Yesterday morning my staff member texted me at 7am to say she couldn't come in due to fever. I quickly fired off texts and FB messages to all of my staff to try to get someone in. Even though I ended up going in for the day he did not believe me that that's what I was doing on my phone at 7 am. Always he thinks I am texting or messaging my supposed lover.

Since he believes I am ruining him and or cheating on him, he often asks me to detail my day (which my therapist says I should not have to do). He always catches me off guard with this and since technically he is a partner/investor in the business he also has the right to bne up to date. But if there is a time block where I forget what I did during that specific period (which my T says is common with the amount of stress on me, to be unusually forgetful) that goes on his list of Things That Prove It.

The way I act when certain people are around, how my attitude changes (?).

Mostly that I don't have a specific explanation for each hour of the day every single day and that I am not comfortable with him digging through my phone.

[MaroonLiquid]

My wife is convinced I did, and did not.  It is their fear from being separated at her doing.  You can't argue with it as it won't do any good.  All you have to do is say it once and then leave it alone.

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw accused me of having an affair with a co-worker because I texted this coworker a few times from home. The texts were work related. We worked on the same unit in a psychiatric facility so we would text asking questions about where something was or how someone did earlier that day. Being a good husband, and trying to show my wife how it was done, I made sure I told my wife several weeks prior to her accusations I occasionally texted this woman (and a few other coworkers). Nevertheless, my wife was convinced I was cheating.

The thing was, she had already had an affair with one woman and was having another when she did this. The woman whom she was having an affair with actually convinced my wife I was having an affair with the woman from work. They went on Facebook and looked at her pictures and things like that. My wife acted like this woman was beautiful (she isn't) and told me she understood why I did it. Never mind my wife ran circles around this woman as far as looks go. She actually got over it after a week or so and told me she really didn't think I was having one. She was just having a bad day. Then we had a work-related dinner at a local restaurant and, of course, this woman came up and started talking to me and my wife went nuts again. "She is so smart and funny! She's pretty too and the fact you wont admit it makes me even more sure!"

Throughout the four years we were together after she cheated the first time, she accused me only when she was doing something wrong. I guess she figured if she was cheating I had to be too. I wasn't. Never did. Never considered it.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband goes through this too as far as thinking I am cheating on him. One of his biggest reasons is because he says I change how I act around men. Of course he doesn't take into account that he has accused me of knowing people that I have never met because I "looked" at them too long. So what he does affects how I act around him. He has told me so many times that he has proof that I am cheating on him. No proof exists because it's a complete lie. Also when I state to him that I am not having an affair he requires me to cover all basis. I am not, have never, and will never have an affair  . I have resorted to just saying I have been 100% completely faithful to you since the day we met. When I say, " I am not cheating on you!" He will say, your not cheating on me right this second. Obviously these are things they have done before and they think that everyone would sink to their level. The cheating accusations are truly some of the worst fights we have had. I find that acknowledging some of the things they say helps. One time my husband told me that if I was having an affair on him that he has a right to know about it, that I owe him that much. I usually say But I am not having an affair... .Instead I agreed with him that if in fact I was having an affair he would have every right to know about it and it would be completely disrespectful to keep something like that from him. It gave him a calmness after that and he stopped. He actually said, you've never said that before. 

[sadeyes]

While I don't have advice, my SO has these weird obsessions also.

While it is not very often that I'm accused of an affair, he.is obsessed with his idea that I want a man of a particular race different from ours.

While I am very anti-racist, I have never nor would I ever seek a partner based on the criteria of race.

With me, it's even to the point that he finds my drive thru.conversation ie "hello, thank you, fine how are you" much more in depth and friendly with men of this particular race.

Frustrating!

[Sluggo]

Yes- same thing.  It has become overwhelming... .   when I text, email, at work, before work, after work thinks that I am doing something.  It has become more and more exaggerated over the last 6-12 months.  She has gone as far to say I am having an affair with my own mother. 

I am so non-flirtatious and so guarded when watching TV, etc. so this is so out of the realm of possibilities. 

[PacifistMom]

what he does affects how I act around him.

Exactly Cloudy Days. Sure I act different around his own friends he has accused me of having an affair with or having the desire to. Like barely glance at them, minimal conversation ... .who wouldn't?

Lose-lose. I appreciate your story of validating that he would deserve to know ... .I always struggle with the WHAT TO VALIDATE part of things when it's focused on me.

[PacifistMom]

Thanks for the replies. Always helpful just to know about others in the same boat.

That is always a fear, if they are obsessing about it perhaps they are the one in the wrong. Some days I just don't have the energy.

[waverider]

Its all based in feeling =fact.

They feel you could get a better partner= you are looking for one.

Dont let this behavior change the way you behave or you are taking their problem and making it yours.

The biggest tip off as to whether a partner is having an affair is behavioral change, hence you changing (trying not to trigger), becomes proof it must be true (you are trying to cover up).

Stay yourself, they will get used to what they can't change. It is their ability to make you change that keeps you engaged in this merry dance. They have a need for you to react. It just fuels the neediness, you can't fulfill  it.

Being pressured to act like someone you are not, and with no rights, will lead to resentment.

[PacifistMom]

Thank you for the much needed reminders waverider.

How long does it take to break the habit/disengage from the dance? I feel I have made progress since joining here in January but then there are tough times and I feel myself slipping back.

[waverider]

Thank you for the much needed reminders waverider.

How long does it take to break the habit/disengage from the dance? I feel I have made progress since joining here in January but then there are tough times and I feel myself slipping back.

Thats a hard question. For some it may never happen, others may have rapid improvements. It is not a fix all, just a major positive direction to head in. Progress is rewarding, even if there never seems to be an end to the journey.

Constantly reminding ourselves where we came from keeps perspective, as the more we learn the more dark corners we see, where once we were happily ignorant of. Knowing our path, past and projected, reminds us that life is improving. Not to dwell on the past or the newly revealed side issues.

Most importantly dont forget to get on with our own lives. Dont waste it by association