What goes in the exBPD gf 's mind when she leaves and have sex with the new guy?

[guy4caligirl]

I really struggle with this I was always active in my sex life with my ex  but at this time am like have no desire to sleep with anyone else .

How in the heck after five years with the same partner ( I don't think she cheated on me while together but I have a tiny doubt )

Could she sleep with the new guy after a week of her departure .

I cannot do that .

What goes through her mind  when she get's undressed  and get in bed with the new guy ... .Having sex ?

[BrokenFamily]

I'm in the same boat... .

I'm assuming 'm just not emotionally available or perhaps I'm just still in love (it's been under 3 months)

As for me I've dated a few girls and it feels awkward, I even brought a girl back to the house after a date recently and fell asleep only to away a few hours later and she was gone.

Also because I'm depressed still I'm not really as attractive to girls as I was when I was my happy self.

As for her, sex is an emotional escape I guess. They seem to associate it with love and closeness filling the emotional void we left behind. I think it's crazy but if it works for them then so be it.

[guy4caligirl]

I'm in the same boat... .

I'm assuming 'm just not emotionally available or perhaps I'm just still in love (it's been under 3 months)

As for me I've dated a few girls and it feels awkward, I even brought a girl back to the house after a date recently and fell asleep only to away a few hours later and she was gone.

Also because I'm depressed still I'm not really as attractive to girls as I was when I was my happy self.

As for her, sex is an emotional escape I guess. They seem to associate it with love and closeness filling the emotional void we left behind. I think it's crazy but if it works for them then so be it.

What a way to love ? And we fell for them . Just unbelievable ! ... .The way they operate !

[enlighten me]

As they repeat the cycle ask yourself what they thought when they jumped into bed with you.

[guy4caligirl]

As they repeat the cycle ask yourself what they thought when they jumped into bed with you.

A smart way to put it , thanks Enlighten me , I bet she showed him some several nine clouds haha like she did me !

[BrokenFamily]

Exactly what I was thinking enlighten me! I just made a post about what goes on in the mind of a replacement!

[billypilgrim]

I'll take a stab at it.  Firstly, I don't think pwBPD view intimacy the same way you and I do.  This is exemplified in my own experience with my ex.  There was about a month in between her previous relationship (of 2 years) from when we started "dating" (I call it dating because our first date was in her bedroom).  As I got to know her, I started to put pieces together.  Wait, she was just with a guy for 2 years and before she started with me, she was with one of her other ex's?  What the heck, I asked myself.  But she had a reason - she hadn't been intimate with someone for a long time, she was just looking to have fun, etc. etc.  Always a reason, despite me thinking that seems awfully strange but I always resigned myself to the fact that I hadn't been through what she had been through, I don't know what it's like to feel the way she's feeling, etc.  But after about a month, I was her next host.  She was hooked and so was I.  More questions came up along the way that I thought were odd but I never raised concerns or thought twice about maybe trying to find something better.  So here I am.

But back to your question.  I think intimacy is just another way to meet those loneliness needs, to fill the massive emotional void in their lives.  Intimacy for us (or at least for me, I don't like to generalize) is a bonding/very personal emotional experience not to be shared with just anyone (drunken nights out not withstanding).  I think for a BPD it's a means to an end rather than some emotional bonding experience.  That doesn't mean that I don't think intimacy is not special for the BPD, it's just not the same as you and I experience it.  Hence why she can move on a week later.  And why my ex could immediately recycle with one of her ex's before me and why she's likely already found someone else (I've been NC for a few weeks now, I know she was hiding something from me when she left because some folks in her life led me to believe something more was going on).  And that really sucks to think about.  I just reassure myself that hey, it's not any more special for him than it was with me because she doesn't know any better.  

Bottom line, you are better off and there's someone out there for you that is capable of a happy, reciprocating relationship.  I find peace in knowing that in the future, I won't need to be another person's sole source of happiness.  :)on't kill yourself thinking about the sex crap.  It doesn't mean to her what it meant to you.

[CareTaker]

What goes in the exBPD gf 's mind when she leaves and have sex with the new guy?

Quite simple really. Just a way to manipulate the next victim to supply their unrealistic demands. Nothing more to it. In their childish little minds, nothing else matters.

And you fell for it, so did your replacement. They have no soul, nothing bothers them. They cold as ice. They just need to fill an empty space. Which is a bottomless pit.

It can't be filled.

You know it, I know it... .!

Don't feel bad about it. Be grateful that you no longer need to live with such a dysfunctional person. You deserve better, and there are much better out there.

Like the song:

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty girl your wife.

[enlighten me]

One thing that I would like to say that I recently realised is that in my exgf mind our relationship was over long before it ended. She had mournex the ending and by staying with me just ended up resenting me for being there. When we split up in her mind she probably thought she had been single for a lot longer.

[mrshambles]

I think I can chime in on this perhaps. My ex was a wildcat in bed for probably 3 months... .then it stopped. Then we would fight... then it stopped. Then she got pregnant(and let me tell you, when she was pregnant... it was the closest thing to "normal" as she had ever been... weird) anyway, in the 4 1/2 years i can say this... .the only times she wanted sex was either 1) she was going to ask me for money/favor after 2) after i had been away while in order to feel like she "reclaimed" me 3) if SHE was horny... .no working up to it... no foreplay just "Hey im horny, lets go". We have had many conversations about it. She just shrugs. She KNOWS she uses it as a tool. She straight up told me she views it differently than I do because she has always used it differently that normal people.

[Mutt]

What goes through her mind  when she get's undressed and get in bed with the new guy ... .Having sex ?

Your asking us to mind read guy4caligirl?

Have you stepped back and re-framed your thoughts and asked yourself how healthy this is  

[guy4caligirl]

I understand , your concern Mutt , forgive me , but if we all need to get out of the hurt and deception ,

We have to understand how they operate , many of us think how horrible it is just like me .

It's a form of detaching we have no other choice but to detach and get all the  hurt out while they are enjoying themselves like nothing happened , it's just sick . We deserve respect .and a better future .

I am just sad today .

[mrshambles]

I honestly believe that they do suffer the consequences for their actions eventually. I think it just comes later down the road. I know my ex told me the nastiest things about her ex when we first got together. He was so terrible. Not very long after we got really serious, that tune changed. She completely bashed herself over him. She said that he was a good guy but she did such terrible things to him that she couldn't stay. I found that rather odd after she made him out to be such a monster. 

[Mutt]

I understand , your concern Mutt , forgive me , but if we all need to get out of the hurt and deception ,

We have to understand how they operate , many of us think how horrible it is just like me .

It's a form of detaching we have no other choice but to detach and get all the  hurt us out .while they are enjoying themselves like nothing happened , it's just sick . We deserve respect .and a better future .

I am just sad today .

Explain the logic in detaching here. By putting yourself in your exes mind while she's having sex it helps you to detach? I'm sorry your hurt.

I agree with you we have to understand how they operate and US. Can you explain the psychology here?

Are you seeing a T or a P? What's their take on mind reading and detaching if you are seeing one?

[bunnyrabit]

I can't for the life of me understand this either. They know damn well it hurts, my ex told me literally, why do you still want me if I hurt you so much... .? I can only conclude that they don't give a f#uck or they probably even enjoy to watch you suffer. Mine slept with my replacement during our entire latest recycle while promising me every time she was done with him. I don't even want to understand anymore... .

[Mutt]

I can't for the life of me understand this either. They know damn well it hurts, my ex told me literally, why do you still want me if I hurt you so much... .? I can only conclude that they don't give a f#uck or they probably even enjoy to watch you suffer. Mine slept with my replacement during our entire latest recycle while promising me every time she was done with him. I don't even want to understand anymore... .

I understand. It's hurtful and triggers feelings of anger with the non-disordered partner. My wife was sleeping with another guy while sleeping in my bed. She was dissociating her feelings while she was lying to me about it. The reality of it was it triggered feelings of guilt in her but she was changing reality and projecting her feelings and actions on me to absolve said feelings. In my case, she was in her dissociative phase and wasn't coping. Her dissociation and projecting is a defense mechanism for her to cope. Maladaptive coping skills whereas I cope and recover differently. It seemed to me as if "she didn't care" That said, underneath it all she knew what she was doing and it hurt her as well, on the surface she showed something different. That's my take from what I understand about BPD. Very confusing and painful. I'm sorry.

[enlighten me]

Something else you may want to consider is that pwBPD dont form attachments like we do. When we form an attachment it is based on a mutual connection. We have consider the other persons feelings. PWBPD only consider their own feelings and needs.

[michel71]

I am still with my uBPDw. I am plagued by thoughts of her being with somebody else if we were to divorce. I just can't handle it. I feel bonded to her in intimacy. Honestly, once I fell in love with her I fell in love so completely and totally like my body belonged to her. I can't imagine being intimate with another woman EVER. Even if we don't work out. I just can't go to that place, that place that was so completely and totally for her.

I like to think that she feels the same way, but in reality she probably doesn't. I have no doubt that if we were to split she would move on, perhaps say the same things to that person, do the same things with that person. It kills me to think about it. I don't think it's good for any of us to dwell on that. It will just make the pain worse. And there is nothing we can do about it but control our thoughts.

I have this recurrent dream that she is with her ex husband and is having an affair with me. In the dream I always see them sleeping together in the bedroom ( not having sex just in the same bed). In my dream last night she was holding him the way she does me, and whispering to me to "shush" lest he wake up. That kills me. It is totally not based in reality though. She was divorced from her husband for like 3 years before she met me and she hates his guts.

[Mutt]

Something else you may want to consider is that pwBPD dont form attachments like we do. When we form an attachment it is based on a mutual connection. We have consider the other persons feelings. PWBPD only consider their own feelings and needs.

To a degree. From my experience, her feelings, dysregulations, malapdative skills, trauma all get in the way of showing empathy for the significant other. Hurts like hell nonetheless to us.

I like to think that she feels the same way, but in reality she probably doesn't. I have no doubt that if we were to split she would move on, perhaps say the same things to that person, do the same things with that person. It kills me to think about it. I don't think it's good for any of us to dwell on that. It will just make the pain worse. And there is nothing we can do about it but control our thoughts.

I have to agree. I'm sorry this hurts. It's tough michel71, guy4caligirl and everyone sharing in this thread. It feels like a knife to the heart. I had to stop thinking about what she was up to with the replacement and focus on me. Once I shifted focus, that pain was more manageable.

Step 1. ACKNOWLDGEMENT

When we're faced with loss, grief, or failure, it looks much more appealing—our practice in detachment becomes a lifeline that can move us out of acute suffering into something close to peace.

[Blimblam]

Your going to some dark places guy. I can relate to how this must be haunting you and recognize the courage to asks these questions. 

It takes me a long while to wrap my head around this one and this one is torturous.

The best way I can put it is she has a compartmentalized self.

Think of it like having a work life persona and a home life persona.

Also keep in mind their is an overall pattern pwBPD tend to follow. That the patterns overlapping often also.

Think if it like let's say a teen has a crappy home life but he joins some sport or team or group and in that group he feels liberated from his crappy home life. The at school the teen feels a different way.  The teens identity exists within the context of those different environments. To an extent we are all like this but a pwBPD much more so. My experience is pwBPD are keen observers and adapt their persona to fit in with that environment to secure a place in it. They are in survival mode so they adapt to the environment they feel no control over. They do this through attaching to people and they have developed the skills to trigger people to attach through body language and the time of their voice. Then their is the object consistancy issue. The awareness of the other aspects of their life fall away to an extent in this new context. So they become part of the culture of the new encironment where they are very succeptable to peer pressure.

[Deeno02]

Why torture yourself with this thought?