Ridiculous behaviour. The end of a cycle.

[BroiledBunny]

I was just reading an older thread where a member described the ridiculous behavior of his XGF.

That has been the word on my tongue this last few weeks.

3 months ago, on NYE I broke NC for the 1st time in 1.5 years just to say hello to my XGF. First words out of her mouth were "I love you, and always have".

We recycled. But it was different this time.

She was calmer. We both were drinking less. Things seemed good.

I was happy. I had missed her so much and I too had never stopped loving her. Though I now realize I idealized that love and forgot so many things.

So in the end 1.5 years ago, she was doing so many crazy things.

She stalked me at my work, almost cost me my job, creeped out my coworkers, even though we lived together.

Went through my old phone books and ran each number through online databases to find out who people were in more detail.

Some of these numbers were just for historical purposes, people I hadn't spoken to in years. Meanwhile she claimed to be too computer illiterate to run and ad on craigslist. Constant accusations, and refusing to let me leave the relationship, tracking my every move. Blocking egress out of the apt. Breaking down doors when I tried to put space between us when she was raging.

I'd run for the bathroom, she'd say 'come out of there'. I'd say OK when you calm down. I feared I would lose my temper, as she was initiating physicality. Would hit me, poke me, prod me, slap me. And I would just take it. So I'd sit on the floor of the bathroom, put my back against the door, and push with my feet against the wall.

She'd throw herself against the door for HOURS! I'd beg her to go into the other room and sit, and then I would join her. But no.

It was like this for months. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and felt as if I had suffered PTS in the end.

This is but a small sampling of her bizarre behavior the 1st time around.

I was miserable.

But there was also what seemed like love.

I finally escaped when she attacked me in a men's room and was arrested. I got a restraining order, closed out the household.

Paid her share of the as of then (middle of the month) unpaid rent,

sold or stored furnishings and tossed a lot of stuff. Cleaned the place, spent days and hours. Managed to find a new place and started my life as a single man. But I didn't date much. I wasn't ready.

So... .  I wrote about the breaking NC in another thread.

But then... .  I've been so lonely and hadn't met anyone who was any better than her. And I'd been out of work, got a DUI which totally screwed me up and my job search.

Getting back together, it was wonderful. She was like a different person. I forgot about so many of the things she did before until... .  (more on that later)

We have a very strong connection, think the same things at the same time. I think of her and the phone rings.

We're dialing each other at the same time.

Think and have the same opinions and interests.

She is as close to the perfect woman to me as any I've ever known.

BUT... .  there is this disconnect. Her behavior and inability to execute, to meet important deadlines, write a letter when needed, say to a credit card company or to file important documents that would result in her receiving more than enough money to resolve all her problems. In other words, just plain ridiculous behavior.

In the 5 years I've known her, she refuses to get a job.

She went though 250K in divorce money in a year.

I begged her to get a job. She lacked computer skills to get a job,

I set her up for classes but she wouldn't go.

The money ran out, she was arrested, I was left with the bills, and

we didn't speak for 1.5 years.

So... .  here I am not doing so well myself.

My New Years resolution was to work hard to find work.

Meanwhile I've been just barely scraping by on unemployment

benefits.

Things seemed good with her though, she made me happy.

Her loving demeanor was irresitable.

I wanted nothing but to be with her.

But... .  back to the ridiculousness.

She's been couch surfing for the last 1.5 years and has lived in numerous places. Currently she's been residing with a man who she had told me previously had tried to rape her. And here she is back living there.

He is tired of her crap, she doesn't pay rent, has a bird that screeches non-stop, and gave her a month to look for a place.

I told her from day one, she can't live here and couldn't understand why she won't get a job. Her car broke down a year ago, and she hasn't had the money to fix it, or get a place of her own.

Lately she's had a few inquiries about jobs in her prior occupation; she once was quite formidable in the workplace, but it's hard to imagine her working at all.

So I mean she's telling me she has to move, and I'm saying, it can't be to my place No way. No putting her on the lease, not f'ing up my situation with the landlord. My rent is way below market.

I'm close to getting a new job. Just waiting for the background check to clear.

She receives a certain stipend that is not enough to live on, BUT

she can keep that money AND work so even a minimum wage job would be enough to fix her car, and afford a place of her own.

So I ask her how her search is going to find a place to live.

She says, 'well you know it's hard to find a place to live for free'.

I'm like for free? GET A JOB! She's going I AM!

Anyway, she didn't do squat to look for a place to live, started bringing over more and more stuff, wouldn't leave when I'd ask her to. We were so loving towards each other though, but I had to keep saying, YOU are the same woman I lived with before right?

Same one that threw herself against doors, broke down doors, attacked me in a mens room right?

So... .  as the deadline for her departer from her current residence grew closer, she didn't even discuss with me about living together.

I started to panic. I started going over what it was like to be with her before. She's telling me, don't dwell on the past.

I learned, I'm different, I'm calmer. And she was. I saw it.

But still... .  ridiculous. I said WHY don't you fill out those forms that would result in the monies from your marriage being released?

Why don't you take a job, ANY job, so you won't be at the mercy of a creepy guy who you said once tried to rape you?

Why would you WANT to live like this?

Your car would have been fixed a long time ago, you'd be working and everything would be great. And maybe just maybe she would be the true love of my life, and WHOLE.

What are you planning to do all day in my apt. while I'm at work?

Go through my papers, computer, phone records and the whole thing starts again? She says I'll take a crappy job to 'please you'.

I say, well wouldn't it please YOU? To not be at mercy and whims of other?

So Thurs I decide, forgetabouit! She's not moving in!

I start to pack her stuff and throw it in my car to drop off at her place. I'm going to drop it off, call her and tell her we're done.

(She wants what she wants and there's no reasoning with her or you will suffer. )

BUT she shows up while I'm loading the car! Yes! Again we are connected. She sensed something was up and showed up HOURS early! So now, I'm trying to tell her it's over and she's hysterical and I again fear the cops might come, so I have her go inside, and of course she won't leave and i can't force her.

I tell her AGAIN, YOU CAN"T LIVE HERE! She's crying and

we sort of make up, and talk about it. I'm saying look,

I had to get a restraining order last time to get away.

How do I get away when it's my own apt. and she ends up getting us thrown out? I tell her I can call a cab, or I can call the cops if she won't leave. But I don't want the cops here.

I manage to sneak out in the morning and make a few calls while she is sleeping, I beg my sister to come to back me up and she refuses, but for good reasons I won't go into.

I manage to get ahold of a friend who says he will do it.

Just show up while I ask her to her to leave.

This weekend was to be the time of moving her crap in and to storage from her current place. If she'd been here, and I'd refused, she wouldn't leave and just torture me the whole time.

So... .  she left me little options.

She had planned to move in from day one no matter what I said.

She ignored everything I said. She had told me, she wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me. I told her I didn't think i wanted that and if it's all or nothing, I'd take nothing.

So... I managed to get her up and out of bed and dressed and

my friend came over. I told her I had asked him to come over in leiu of involving police since she refused to leave, and that once and for all, she could not live here.

She would be going home to current residence and try to work things out with her roomate. That she is not giving me any options.

After all, she's not some guy who needs a place to crash for a day or a week, she's the woman who tortured me for years and caused me to have her arrested and a restraining order placed on her. I mean we'd be like a married couple and we hadn't even talked about it! I remember saying back the 1st time when I wanted to leave, and she'd block the door, scream like someone was being murdered wow, I'd give in to avoid having the cops show up. I'd say, honey, doesn't it matter what I want? She'd say, I love and don't want you to leave. She held me prisoner in my own house, I couldn't pack a box. No one would intervene.

Back to the present.

She had said she would have to board her bird when she moved out, and I said, look, why don't you offer to board your bird and offer a little money to stay while you look for a job that you can actually get?

She had me on track to move her stuff, repair her car, provide housing, deal with her ridiculous unfathomable behaviour just like before, and hold me hostage in MY own apt. My worst fear realized.

My friend and sister backed me up 100%. If I'd let her in that she 'lived here' she have rights though not paying rent.

Her status from gone fron 'guest' to resident.

I could not allow it. So... .  it killed me to do this, but I had to be strong.  We packed her stuff, called her a cab, (though she ended up getting a ride and the cab was cancelled)

She had us put everything on the curb while she waited and we left (me and friends) to have breakfast.

I killed me to do this. I felt sick. But I realized I would not survive another go around of living with her, and her just insanity.

Interestingly, she was calm! No hysterics in the presence of others.

Thats how it was 1st go around. She was always perfect except behind closed doors with me. People didn't understand what I was going through.

It was only with me.

She was pissed but didn't cry, showed no emotion, called a friend of hers, and was like nothing was even wrong! Hey Bob, how's it goin' say I need a ride, think you could do that for me? Great... .  

Thats the rub. Is she just acting? Manipulating? I guess so.

Is she BPD? Or something else?

She just left me a message crying asking how I could be so cruel.

It kills me. Things WERE different this time. But... .  I could not have her move in. It would have been the death of me. It came down to survival.

My heart hurts. I want to reach out to her. Find some way to have balance, where she is more self sufficient and independent.

But someone I know did point out when I tried to say she was 'better' and maybe NOT BPD.

He said, you know the difference between a normal person and her, is that when you tell a normal person to leave, they listen.

She would come over and not leave for 7 days 6 nights at a stretch.

And obviously she had no intention of listening when I said you can't live here so I had no options.

Still it hurts. I'm alone now. She's a beautiful woman that I adore.

But I had no option. She would not listen and I could not force her.

My nephew had a similar situation once, he pushed a woman out of his house when she refused to leave. She got a bruise, called the cops and he settled for a plea that has ruined his life, can't get a job.

No way.

The good news is, I am OK. No police were needed.

People were concerned in previous post about recycling 'breaking NC'

that I might be arrested when she would cause a scene. Her a little tiny thing, me a big big man. And well, I'm ok.

Though I'm still worried for her. But I've tried for years to help her.

She only wants the fish and doesn't want to learn to fish.

[Surnia]

Wow, BB!

And a   

What a story! Great you could handle it. Its a lot about boundaries and not being pulled again in all those unhealthy pattern to rescue her lack of responsability for her daily life.

Though I'm still worried for her. But I've tried for years to help her.

She only wants the fish and doesn't want to learn to fish.

Great picture! 

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Broiled Bunny!

I am SO glad to hear that you are NOT in jail! You'll remember that I made some rather hard comments to you way back when when this whole thing was re-starting, because I was worried about what might happen to you, and for good reason.

I have to be quick here, because it's the middle of the night and I'm exhausted, but I want to say this about your decision to not let your ex move in with you:

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Right now, that is all that matters. In time, you will recover from this madness, emotionally and in other ways.

But for now, keep on keeping on, and don't go backwards even one inch. Keep doing exactly what you've done: Keep her OUT of your place! Out, out OUT!  Never let her back in the door.

   

[Numbers]

Dear BB, thank you for sharing your story. Before anything else, let me say that I think you did a right thing.

Reading through your story made me experience how BPD relationship looks to outside observers. Just from reading events of your past weeks, purposefully not looking up your previous posts, from information you wrote, I'd say you overreacted in a situation. She really did not do anything so out of the ordinary. Of course, neither did you - you demonstrated clear and healthy boundaries but more importantly saw your own needs through.

However, only by being previously in relationship with a person with BPD traits (put mildly) I can understand fully the how and why of your actions. Our conclusions and reactions to BPD partners must look quite weird to uninformed observers. I however can relate to most you wrote and I hope that if one day that day comes for me (recycle), I would be as strong as you.

[mango_flower]

Wow... .  

Just to back the others up - you definitely made the right decision

I understand about looking through those rose tinted glasses at the past... .  we tend to only remember the good.

I was reading your post thinking "please please please let me get to the end to find out you DIDN'T have her move back in!".

Listen to your gut instinct.  Go with it.

I'm proud of you.

[BroiledBunny]

Yeah, that's what kept running through my mind.

Maybe I was just over reacting?

Maybe this time it would be different?

Problem is what if it wasn't?

What then? I'd be stuck.

Like someone said in a previous post when I wrote about breaking NC,

what would i do once she'd bored into my skin like a tick, and never let go?

My problem is the opposite of so many I read.

She's affectionate, to the extreme. People here say BPD's don't feel love.

I think she feels love for me. A great deal of love.

But she just fails to execute on basic stuff. And push push pushes her agendas. Problem is her agendas make no sense at all.

I mean, at the old place I'd be like you HAVE to get a job, get any job or we're sunk! I'll pay the rent if you pay the bills and buy food.

Her agenda or lack of one, was going to be death of us. But she ends up being the boss, just won't bend, and will argue to the ends of the earth to win the argument, and implement her madness of doing nothing or doing the wrong thing rather than follow through on good suggestions.

But she push push pushes against me to do things that make basic sense,

her actions are counter productive to survival. She says "you don't think big enough". I'm like great, we can think big once we're back on our feet! Right?

I mean we're one bad mess away from both being homeless. Lets focus on dealing with that, surviving and THEN we can dream the big dreams!

She's always looking for a shortcut.

She was very impressed when we 1st met... .  I was at one time a high IQ person. She saw the test result. I'm not so sure now how many of those bran cells still function . She always says how smart I am, but she just won't listen. Or rather, it's like trying to get a child to their homework or chores. Did you do "a"? 'No. I didn't have time.'

Really? You were busy doing what?  Repeat for 'b' -'z' action items.

Do you guys think she is BPD? I can never quite decide if it's BPD or just plain stupidity or brain damage or something. What do you think?

And thanks for backing me up everyone here.

I woke up alone this morning. Owwww Ooo! (Wolf howling at the moon)

She's gone. I'm alone. It hurts. I love her so much. But she just won't act. Do things that would help make things right.

She only complicates and makes things worse .

The silver lining though is I did sleep well. I was so tired. She snores like a horse. All week I was barely sleeping, thinking about the past, remembering all the horrible things she did to me 1st go around. I talked to her about it.

But she was just like, ''you're over reacting I'm different now. I learned."

Really? What did you learn?

She called last night, crying, talking about the love we had/have.

How could I be so cruel? I'm tempted to respond, but I mean, I ALREADY told her over and over, it's just that she can't LIVE here.

I only told her I was sending her home to work things out with her tenant/roomate while she still has the chance or find something other than here. I mean, he helped her out because she had no where to live. But then, as usual she just took advantage of the situation, did nothing to get a job (any job)

She already has the equivalent of a FT min wage job coming in without working. Not a lot.

But a min. wage job would be enough to fill the gap. But no.

Months went by and shes talking about how she's going to get a job as a Vice President of Sales. She can't do a basic excel spreadsheet but she's gonna get and keep that job. I'd love to believe it, but why not get something in the interim and keep looking for that perfect job?

Well, because she doesn't want to. Some idiot friend of hers told her, 'she's doing the right thing' to persue these high end jobs... .  ' I agree but she needs something while she looks since she doesn't have enough money to live. She might actually get one

But it's been 3 months, and while she's been in regular touch with one company that might actually hire her (the one with the VP job)

they have yet to actually have her in for an interview. And in the end, I really doubt they'd give her that job.

Dear BB, thank you for sharing your story. Before anything else, let me say that I think you did a right thing.

Reading through your story made me experience how BPD relationship looks to outside observers. Just from reading events of your past weeks, purposefully not looking up your previous posts, from information you wrote, I'd say you overreacted in a situation. She really did not do anything so out of the ordinary. Of course, neither did you - you demonstrated clear and healthy boundaries but more importantly saw your own needs through.

However, only by being previously in relationship with a person with BPD traits (put mildly) I can understand fully the how and why of your actions. Our conclusions and reactions to BPD partners must look quite weird to uninformed observers. I however can relate to most you wrote and I hope that if one day that day comes for me (recycle), I would be as strong as you.

[BroiledBunny]

I wanted to add, we all talk about the bad things here.

She has many good traits. There's a good reason I love her.

She isn't cold or heartless, and she loves me.

I just couldn't live with her again, and she was forcing it on me.

[BroiledBunny]

I wanted to add, we all talk about the bad things here.

She has many good traits. There's a good reason I love her.

Many good reasons. Those good things are what keep me tied to her.

She isn't cold or heartless, and she loves me.

I just couldn't live with her again, and she was forcing it on me.

[Numbers]

She isn't cold or heartless, and she loves me.

I just couldn't live with her again, and she was forcing it on me.

imho, you don't force anything onto someone you love (person->person)

you can force a nail into anything, provided you have large enough hammer, though  (person->object)

it seems to me you subconsciously didn't like to be objectified and for that I applaud you!

[BroiledBunny]

Good point.

Brings back more thoughts on the past.

She's RELENTLESS and fearless! Not afraid of me in the least.

If you disagree with her, there's nothing short of putting her 6' under that would have made her stop, hours, days, WEEKS! Hence my locking myself in the bathroom to avoid a physical conflict and a jail sentence for me.

Besides, I have never hit a woman and don't intend to start. It won't matter what a beautiful petite woman did to a huge 250 lb man to make him snap to the cops. I never had such horrible black thoughts and hope I never do again.

And nothing she could do would be worse than spending years in a cell with an even larger AIDS infected man with an appetite for rough sex with me against my will on a daily basis eh?

So I suffered. I put up with it. I was like Ali, 'rope a dope' and took all her punches. Until a miracle happened and SHE finally got caught in public acting up, something that only happened in private usually. Even then I was worried for her, but soon saw that my prayers had been answered and that the "Lord works in mysterious ways".

I said horrible things 1st go around to get her to hate me, and let me leave. All I accomplished was making myself physically ill, since it's not in my nature to be so cruel. And it didn't work.

So yeah, she's a hammer all right. I used to say, she 'ground me into dust'.

I'd cry, and cover my ears to not hear her. She'd try to pry my hands off my ears to force me to listen to her vitriol. And the nail pounding went on and on and on, and she didn't let me sleep until I was so sleep deprived I became gravely concerned I would lose it.

Funny how people don't get it. Size doesn't matter.

You can't force someone to do something no matter how big you are and how small they are. Guy friends, look at me, are like 'whats wrong with you man, look at you and look at her... .  it's a no contest. ' Like I'm a whimp.

I actually have to explain to them, that no, you cannot hurt a woman to win an argument, or get past her to get out the door, no matter how big or small you are, size doesn't matter.

Thanks for reminding me. No hammers please!  

2 more weeks and I get my full license back.

Dammit it's St, Pats day and I'm stuck at home.

Guess I'll put some new strings on my gee tar and fix my mnt, bike.

Life IS good.

Hopefully by next week I'll be employed.

I am ready to date again and I'll have money again.

She isn't cold or heartless, and she loves me.

I just couldn't live with her again, and she was forcing it on me.

imho, you don't force anything onto someone you love (person->person)

you can force a nail into anything, provided you have large enough hammer, though   (person->object)

[MammaMia]

BB

You did do the right thing, BUT you also need to recognize the ongoing dangers of ANY relationship with your ex.  Physical and emotional dangers.  I am assuming you have no children since I don't think you mentioned any.  That is a blessing. 

If your ex has BPD, she has a brain disorder.  It defines who she is, and it will not go away.  Therapy and treatment can help, but they require her to want to get better.  Problem is, most people with BPD do not think they are sick.  Everyone else is crazy and everything bad is always someone else's fault.  The perpetual victim.

Does she have any family or friends --- someone to attempt to guide her into therapy and treatment?   Have you discussed getting a medical diagnosis with her?   She may not listen to you, and quite possibly will see the suggestion of therapy or treatment as a tool on your part to manipulate or control her. 

Yes, she can appear to be loving and wonderful to a fault.  The flip side of the coin is a violent, angry person who twists everything to fit her definition of reality.  Sadly, we tend to dwell on the good traits to the point of idealization and let those good memories erase bad behavior.  A wolf in sheep's clothing.

I am glad you have people supporting you.  This is very important.  This website is awesome in giving us insight into the lives of others dealing with BPD.  There are many good suggestions and educational materials available here.  There is also comfort in knowing we are not alone.  You are safe here.  We get it.

[BroiledBunny]

So I guess I'm right in guessing she's BPD.

No, I told her about BPD and she just says I'm Bipolar, as was her X.

She had him in therapy. Yup. When I read about the whole getting other people to believe they are crazy thing, I started to understand a little.

We went to relationship therapy a long time ago, she ignored everything we learned. Her family refuses to have contact with her. But then they're kinda crazy too the little contact I had with her brother. They live closeby.

Thanks for confirming that I did the right thing. Hard for me to be such a hard guy. But if not then, it wouldn't have happened.

She still has a place to live for the time being. Later, I would've been the bad guy and she would have had no where to go and it would be "me" making her homeless. This way she still has a chance to work things out with her roomate, or find another place.

I'm quite sure she's out today exploring her options on St. Pats day and drinking heavily, throwing herself into another mans arms who has the potential to rescue her, or provide a fix from reality.

Ha, when she caught me loading the car up, she was, 'are you breaking up with me?' I'm like, well yeah, what choice do I have? I can't have you stay here and not be in a relationship, and you can't stay here, so therefore the end. She was saying well I could just sleep on the couch and get on match.com. HA! Not under my roof!

Thanks for everyone's comments and concerns, including those who've followed my posts from the past.

BB

You did do the right thing, BUT you also need to recognize the ongoing dangers of ANY relationship with your ex.  Physical and emotional dangers.  I am assuming you have no children since I don't think you mentioned any.  That is a blessing.  

If your ex has BPD, she has a brain disorder.  It defines who she is, and it will not go away.  Therapy and treatment can help, but they require her to want to get better.  Problem is, most people with BPD do not think they are sick.  Everyone else is crazy and everything bad is always someone else's fault.  The perpetual victim.

Does she have any family or friends --- someone to attempt to guide her into therapy and treatment?   Have you discussed getting a medical diagnosis with her?   She may not listen to you, and quite possibly will see the suggestion of therapy or treatment as a tool on your part to manipulate or control her.  

Yes, she can appear to be loving and wonderful to a fault.  The flip side of the coin is a violent, angry person who twists everything to fit her definition of reality.  Sadly, we tend to dwell on the good traits to the point of idealization and let those good memories erase bad behavior.  A wolf in sheep's clothing.

I am glad you have people supporting you.  This is very important.  This website is awesome in giving us insight into the lives of others dealing with BPD.  There are many good suggestions and educational materials available here.  There is also comfort in knowing we are not alone.  You are safe here.  We get it.

[MammaMia]

BB

It certainly sounds like BPD.  You are headed in the right direction... .  keep going forward and don't look back.

Take care.

[BroiledBunny]

Good news. I got a job offer today for a decent job that pays ok. 

I mean, not 6 figures but quite decent.

One little sidenote/thought.

Last week, when I was loading the car with her stuff and she showed up, she didn't know I'd already been to the interview.

Her hysterics have cost me dearly in the past.

I told her I still needed to go to the interview to see what would happen, that it was in the afternoon.

Thank god I'd already been,  as she wasn't leaving or letting me leave and was completely hysterical.

So that being said, if the interview hadn't been in the morning, I would not have made it, and not gotten the job. Not only that, I discovered today (well I kinda knew it was coming but mistakenly thought it wasn't for a couple of weeks as I misread the form)

that my unemployment benefits ran out last week! I thought I had bennies through the end of the month. I might have been eligible for an extension.

Not sure.

Oh crap, so if she had prevented me from going to the interview, I'd

be completely broke, and possible homeless in a very short time since all my financial resources currently are tapped, every cookie jar empty. 

I guess I'd be having a fire sale just to scrape up enough money to live another month and on top of that, have her here, both of us, together and broke, under extreme financial stress. Oh what a great picture that is.

Or I'd be lucky and find something if she didn't screw that up for me

(she actually has screwed me up on jobs in the past).

So almost like a miracle of sorts. And I got a response from a craigslist ad I'm running for a $700 item, and looks like that will be sold by the end of

the week. So... .  things are looking up, though I'd rather keep the item.

I did speak to her today, I reviewed some things from the past and pointed out that really I mean, why would I want to live with her again or her with me when things were so horrible the 1st time.

Of course discovered she still takes no responsibility for her actions, sees no problem with breaking doors, stalking my workplace, or verbally torturing me for hours. I'm just supposed to be more resilient and not lose my temper no matter how long it goes on, which often was 8 hours at a stretch, till 4 am then resume around 8 am. I was pretty good for the 1st couple hours, but then I'd just clam up. She'd keep going wouldn't shut up.

I mean how many times can you, honey, I'm not cheating on you, and

there isn't anyone else. Certainly there couldn't be anyone else, since she followed me everywhere anyway and was surgically attached to me 24/7.

By the 4th hour or so, I'd be ready to do anything to get away. She'd find my keys and wallet and hide them to keep me from leaving and even hide my shoes. Getting away from her was almost impossible.

So if I could manage to get past her, I'd be running down the street half dressed with no money, no shoes and no keys, and she'd be doing laps around the block in her Mercedes SUV to find me like a lost dog. I think she saw me as a possession.

Of course I had no where to go, since everything I owned was there,

and no friend would house me for fear of her coming to their house and making a scene. Oh the memories are just flooding back now!

It was hard to do, but thank god I did it.

I feel ok. I'm not a basketcase or anything.

I did speak to her today. I think she will land on her feet as well as she can, not willing to pay rent. She claims SHE was offered a job and starts tomorrow. Well, we'll see how long she lasts since she pretty much refuses to become proficient with a computer and the she's being hired as an administrative assistant, and fingernails are too long to type efficiently.

Guess she'll blame the manicurist.

[Surnia]

Good news indeed, with the job. I am so glad for you.

So that being said, if the interview hadn't been in the morning, I would not have made it, and not gotten the job. Not only that, I discovered today (well I kinda knew it was coming but mistakenly thought it wasn't for a couple of weeks as I misread the form)

that my unemployment benefits ran out last week! I thought I had bennies through the end of the month.

pfff, this was narrow!

You will need your boundaries the next days and weeks I think! We are here for you!

[krista8521]

  You did the right thing, its hard and she knows how to manipulate you. She played on your soft hearted, understanding, demeanor as a way to weasel herself into your home and pawn all her responsibilities on you.

I admit I felt for her for a moment, but there comes a time in our lives when we have to take care of responsibilities, do things that are not fun and if we don't we suffer the consequences for that behavior.

She needs to do for herself and stop relying on everyone else to take care of herself.

If you would have allowed her to move in, it wouldn't take long for the old days to re creep back up and the cycle would begin all over again.

The difference between you and her is, you identified that something is not working and doing the same thing over and over will not get a different result then the last.

She could apply for some rent assistance and find even a one room place to stay. She has shown in the past that she does not take care of business or respect any boundaries, do not let her play on you with guilt trips, etc...

Keep moving forward and never fall back into ways that didn't work in the past.

[BroiledBunny]

Well miracles are in big supply 'round here this week.

I got a job, SHE got a job, YES! 5 years I've known her, she refused to work.

She got a job as a Real estate office assistant, and she got a new place to live. I knew she would, but only if I held her feet to the fire.

Again with some benefactor but with the understanding she'll pay rent down the road. She's saved up enough money to start dealing with her car issues too.

She went through a really horrible divorce, which I think a lot was due to her, but her X really is a real SOB. I met him, and was with her during the divorce. He wanted to starve her practically till I got involved.

So, I do wonder if she is getting better however slowly after the trauma of her divorce. But then again, I theorize that her husband did the things he did to get away from her. I may never know. I do know he wanted it ALL!

And he got most of it. But then she acted like an idiot and blew the money she got. Hard to say.

I've known other guys who had to do what I did, to do a kind of reset on things, keep her from just moving in and taking over. My house dammit!

Well, we're talking and while she's not happy with my decision or how I handled it, I stood my ground, drew a line in the sand, and wow.

I did it ! I stood up to her, and didn't let her grind me into dust and get her way.

[GreenMango]

BB when you start to have boundaries after not having them it usually gets some blowback.  You were serious and stood on your principles about the living situation.  This is a good thing.

Just a thought here but since you two are talking and might be seeing each other looking at the undecided board for the Choosing a Path steps to make a decision.  Starting off on the good foot might help with the staying board tools.

Great job on the boundaries and congratulations on the job!

[BroiledBunny]

If anyone bothers to read such an old thread,

a lot has happened.

But I'm so thankful I documented my situation in such detail.

Well, she did finally end up moving in.

The place she moved to after I told her she couldn't live with me,

well that guy ended up changing the locks and demanding

she give up her possession to cover her stay.

She wasn't there long and she got the boot.

Well, I couldn't see her be in the street.

She'd become a real basket case after her divorce,

she lost everything. She had once been worth milliions.

Well point being, I felt I didn't want to see her slip into oblivion.

The good part of the story is she did finally get a good paying job,

I fixed up her car, and also some work by a mechanic.

I got a job, and am working.

But you know, I don't have to write one word about what happened because i just re-read what I wrote previously and it's EXACTLY THE SAME!

Well, fortunately no police, and she stopped breaking down doors, though I did

barricade myself a couple times when she'd be outta control till she calmed down.

We helped each other through some tough times, she helped me too.

But, amazingly, once she got a job... and then I got a job, well I thought she might

change. (the real estate thing turned out to be BS) But no she started going to work at 6am (wake me up a 5 when I don't need to be up till 7) to get this "beat the traffic", and get off at 3, only to show up at my work parking lot when I was off at 5 and FOLLOW ME HOME!

Now I work 60 miles away from her work, and we lived in the middle. So she's driving 120 miles in a day but wants to go to work at 6am to beat the traffic?

No, it seems she just wants to follow me home! Wow, is that weird? And then she drives like a maniac to stay directly behind me.

It's terrifying to watch in the rear view mirror.

Well, it's been 2 weeks. I was feeling a little blue.

I remembered the forum, and thought, yeah that might help.

Wow was I right.

I got to print this out and just keep re-reading  it.

Well she's finally gone, doesn't live here.

I'm glad this was still here for me to read again.

She was only just getting started!

The final blow for me was she was fixated on a woman i Work with that I was supposedly carrying on an affair with.

I tried in vain to apply logic and reason to the situation.

Honey, how could i Be having an affair when I go to work and home, and you follow me most days (wow, creepy!) and I spend every evening and weekend with you?

Not to mention I was terrified to take a phone call, or make a call, or receive a call,

of course it WAS ALL just secret communications to women right?

Yeah, right. Well nice to be able to use my phone, or the computer without feeling some sort of criminal. Gawd. Who could live like that? She's practically jump in my lap to see what I was doing any time I dialed a # or checked something on the web.

Soo glad this is still here. Thanks you.

So funny, the thing that she was going banana's was ALL these other women!

I'd sure like to know who they are, since dammit, I'm all alone!