Dear Goingtostop this, I agree that when we find ourselves dealing with the day to day drama or walking on egg shells that the BPD in our lives subjects us to its so easy to take our focus and attention off of ourselves and wrap our indentity up in their needs. We essentially lose ourselves. And when you lose yourself you lose your self esteem with it because we will never be successful in reading their ever changing minds or satisfying their ever demanding and ever changing needs. Continuous failure after failure that they make you feel tends to wear down our self esteem and confidence. I went to college and was in the mental health field, I felt successful in helping my clients and their needs, but then my codependent father passed away and my mother tried to make me her new rescuer and hero /servant and whipping post. When I was unable to fully walk away from a little thing called a husband and kids to run to her every waking moment frivolous need then she would berate me, scold me, shame me and belittle me and point out all my inadequacies as she saw them. I tried to placate both her and my family's needs and found that I was spread too thin and apparently was not able to make anyone happy at that point. I recently went no contact with her. I woke up the other day and realized that I was tired of feeling bad about myself. I had told lost myself to her mental illness and needs. I have spent the last 6 years chasing my tail and realize that I have put my life on hold for her for so long. Warning! Please keep up your interests, even if it is just teaching Bible study or a part time tutoring job. You need to keep something of yourself and YOUR identity while you are living there. Im glad you are thinking about what you need and like right now as well. That is healthy. YOU are important.
Yes, Thank you Losthero,
I feel like a lost hero too. Im waiting to see a therapist in two weeks and it feels like forever. I need to see someone now. I feel like a real pain in the ase on this site. My sister is starting to do things again that are starting to disturb me. When I first moved here she was bullying me and trying to intimidate me away from feeling at home here. She was saying all these horrible things to me and I was so upset I told my mother about it. I didnt know what else to do! My mother told me all these wonderful things I could surely do here with no problem when I arrived, and this involved my love for horses. Well, it turned out that my sister kept telling me contradictory things as to what I could not do and it was all most as if she enjoyed crashing my world, like she was trying to sabotage me. I was afraid to believe it but it sure as heck felt like it. Im working on become a riding instructor and there was only one side of the pasture where it was flat enough for me to ride, the other side was a steep slope and that was side my horses were on with the other side containing 3 retired broken down but good hearted recue horses. My sister refused to allow me to make the switch, and then she kept me on hold for two weeks and said real snotty like;Ill think about it. I wanted to kill her! metaphorically... .Eventually after I started to lose it and started throwing my tack out the front door onto the cement walkway , she came around. I was so upset, couldn't stop crying to myself because riding is everything I am. and she knew it. I couldnt believe she could be so cold and my mother did nothing about it. How do I let go of this anger?
I have my horses on the right side now with a good barn with stalls. Ive painted and fixed up the tack room, brought a radio in there, put all my ribbons up. Found a spot to put up a temporary dressage arena,its half finished due to money, but thats all right. Things have smoothed out considerably since Ive been able to do this. Im happier naturally.
I can ride. It just makes me sad when I get down to the core of my feelings that she just didnt want to get it with me, that she didnt care or see that this is who I am and with out being able to ride I think I would want to die. Why live? It was so cruel and insensitive of her. Is she that full of jealousy of me. What else could it be, shes got problems.
I was told by my mother that this property belongs to all of us. You see my Aunt owns this land but she had a stroke and Im here at her farm to take care of all the animals. I was also told more then once that my Aunt wanted me to have this place too. She bought me a 4 year old Oldenburg mare and told me she was mine if I came here to live. It took me a couple years to decide to make this move and the mare was still here waiting for me. I would call my mother and ask about her all the time. I would say, shes still mine isnt she? Oh yes... .she fine, shes your horse. Two months before I got her my sister sold her behind my back. She was my horse but my sister's reasoning was all different of course! :)o you think she has BPD. What's with all this disregard on me!
And she lies... tells other members of my family fabricated stories about how it's my problem when we had gotten in fights here. I told my mother what she was doing when alone with me and she got mad and said I was making it all up. I feel like Im going crazy sometimes. My father believes her too. She's lying! Will I be screaming this to my grave? Now im having a problem between my dad's wife who keep interveening. I spoke to her one afternoon when I was really upset about my sister and I had no one to talk to. She promised me I had her confidentiality. I told her I had seen a counselor but I didnt want my mom and sister to know. It was my private business. Guess what she did? Told them. My sister tells me and my mother at the dinner table that she had seen an accountant. She is in control of two accounts that belong to my Aunt and she is calling this "Her Money" . I really have a problem with this. Her rational is that she is up keeping my Aunts Church(she was a minister). ok, a portion goes to this farm and the animals, a portion goes to taking care of my Aunt. Thats good, but, she recently sold one of her buildings and paid off her own personal Visa card running up to 30,000.00 dollars. She and my mother go to Wal-mart all the time and buy stuff and more stuff and more stuff they dont need. My sister hasnt had a real job in 10 years. Shes running out of my Aunts money and so I figured it out. Why she was so resentful and mean to me. They sold a church building for 100,000.00 dollars ya. My mother was telling me, :)ont worry, we have plently of money, we can help you pay your bills until you get another teaching job. When I got here, that money was gone and they tried to keep it a secret from me. Where did it all go? The only way I got to this answer was to be a detective and there still is a huge amount unccounted for.
My sister was resenting me and hating me because all I represented to her was someone who was taking "HER!" money each time I had a bill to be paid. Its not her money. and she was using it as a power trip over me, like I was suppose to feel guilty and bad for coming here to help the both of them deal with my Aunt.
So she says she saw an accountant. Half lie, my dad's wife was in on a 3 way call with her. :)id she mention that? No, she put on this air and acted like she arranged a profession one on one meeting with one all her self in town or something. It got worse. My dad 's wife calls me and says she and my sister are going to have a meeting with me too to discuss my budget along with all the other ones. I cant describe the condesending air, the one down ment on me because Im still dependant on my sister to help me with my bills. Its like she was loving it . The humilation of it all...
I finally said, or texted, that I only had one more month left where Id be on this budget so I didnt see much point of it being discussed. There wasnt a point.end of text.
My sister all ready knows how much my monthy bills are. So what's discusion? Im taking out a portion of my retirement money next month which will hold me for 3 months. Then Im getting a job if not sooner.
I also said, I have the means now to pay the property tax of this place if need be as well. (I really do)
Ha Ha Ha My sister threatened me while we were driving here and told me how much the property tax was and how she couldnt pay and so there fore I wouldnt be able to have horse boarders here like my mother promised me I could in the future. Dream Dashed by sis again... She recounted on that later, oh ya. I have this other building that is for sell, we can use the proceeds from that. Hello, not her building, its my Aunts. [ ] -Then she said, well I have all the amounts of you sisters accounts, would you like to see them tonight? I sorry, I took that as a ploy. Guess what I said? N---O . She got real quiet after that. My sister only put her name on the deed. and ignored my Aunts request to my face and disregarded her wishes for me like it was nothing. So I have no interest in my sister's mismanagement of my Aunts money that she's calling hers. How's that for self esteem. That was chapter One. Chapter Two is when I get my name on the deed. I imagine Ill have to perform some kind of trapeeze act. Thee End
