Violence: The most traumatizing thing in my entire life

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Actually, the most traumatizing thing in my entire life was when my ex hit me and hit me and hit me while she shrieking like a banshee saying how much she hated me. I was hunched over crying. I blacked it out for 12 years. The worst thing about it is, that since I'm a man, people don't take it very seriously. But for me, and because I cared about her so much. It was HORRIBLE and probably still affects me to this day. I went dead inside after that, and to a large extent, I still am.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Actually, the most traumatizing thing in my entire life was when my ex hit me and hit me and hit me while she shrieking like a banshee saying how much she hated me. I was hunched over crying. I blacked it out for 12 years. The worst thing about it is, that since I'm a man, people don't take it very seriously. But for me, and because I cared about her so much. It was HORRIBLE and probably still affects me to this day. I went dead inside after that, and to a large extent, I still am.

[Popcorn71]

My exBPDh was certainly a very violent man.  In fact he had a reputation for having been a 'hard man' in his younger days.

One of the things I really hated about him, was that after the initial honeymoon period, I would be on pins during a night out as I never knew when he would kick off and start a fight with somebody.  For a man in his late 50's, it was incredibly immature behaviour.

Eventually, he began to get rough with me too and during a row he would grab me and push me.  He did once grab me around the throat and hold me against the wall, but I gave back as good as I got and he ended up with a gash down his face from my nails.  This is something I am not proud of and see how he pushed me to my limits.  I have never been like this before, or since.

I really think if we had stayed together, things would have got much worse.

[Dutched]

Yes, exw was violent during an outburst. The first really big outburst totally overwhelmed me. I just thought exw got hysterical while hitting me a few times on my arm.

A next one, kicking was added. The next time exw kicked a sculpture (which I was very fond of) from a table, then attacked me reaching to my throat!   

THAT closed the door! So I made her very clear I would never again tolerate any violence again, if then I would call immediately a emergency service to have her removed.  Exw never tried it again.

Profound to mention after the first outbursts exw continued with whatever she was doing before, just if nothing happened.

During the last yrs of the r/s exw seemingly functioned normal, however within a few hours crumbled down into  a dissociative person who was not able to even perform the easiest tasks like putting enough plates and cutlery on the table.

Exw never apologised for that behaviour.

Exw justified her behaviour by saying ‘it was because you made me hit you’ …, 'you made me do it'.

So I asked, giving an example. 2 people (A and B) have a quarrel.  A holds a gun. B says something that A (with the gun) can’t coop with. So A shoots B. Who is responsible?  Exw answer?  B… I continued, so you as A holding a gun and shooting someone down makes you not responsible? Silence…

When I made it emotional personal, involving the kids as example, all of a sudden the light bulb went on! Then the one with the gun was definite guilty.

[mro0429]

Actually, the most traumatizing thing in my entire life was when my ex hit me and hit me and hit me while she shrieking like a banshee saying how much she hated me. I was hunched over crying. I blacked it out for 12 years. The worst thing about it is, that since I'm a man, people don't take it very seriously. But for me, and because I cared about her so much. It was HORRIBLE and probably still affects me to this day. I went dead inside after that, and to a large extent, I still am.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I experienced an emotional/verbal beat down that stole part of me away for a long time... .I don't mean to minimize my own pain, but I can't imagine what a physical loss of trust this enormous would feel like. You will get through it and find yourself again, I promise. We're all here for you.

[Sandman1881]

I have a no contact order against her.

Mine did try to take my life in the end with a suffocation attempt. If I didn't file those charges, if there were no OP in place, I would be the third leg.

Very powerful stuff.

It's highly likely my ex has uNPD, uBPD/NPD, or is just your good old fashion, run of the mill, everyday, common, household, everyone should own one, Psychopath.

There were many episodes of unprovoked violence; near complete destruction of my life and complete control of almost everything especially me. I didn't "JUST LEAVE!", I escaped. I nearly gave back in that day. But her mouth and what she said to me, and waking up to her ___ing hands over my mouth and nose trying to take my life from me and from those that love, respect, appreciate and need me finally made me realize that there was absolutely nothing left. If I ever hear the word leave again I can assure you that is exactly what I will do. And I will not be going back.

I have never before been battered by a woman. I've never been told to leave by anyone in any relationship. I'm 6'3 and she's 5'4".

At one point my job title for her in our company was "Master of the Universe". I had my own little bit of narcissistic humor when I showed her a business card graphic with that printed on it. She couldn't wrap her head around my being condescending. She thought it was cute and got a kick out of it. I just shook my head and began to accept that the end of our time together as a couple was truly drawing near.

[Skip]

Mine did try to take my life in the end with a suffocation attempt.

That's really extreme - covering your airway while you sleep - maybe the most most extreme thing I've read here short of the completed suicides. Yikes. I can't imagine how you must feel.

She just woke before you and started suffocating you? What was she up to?

[Turkish]

I remember the time my Ex was violent in front of me, though she certainly could be verbally aggressive, and scared me enough because she was road raging a few times. She did slap me once when my back was turned, and there was one time I came home to a really nasty note and her cell phone in pieces in the hallway as she had thrown it down the hallway and left. The time that really concerned me though was this:

I had let S4, then S1, fall asleep on my shoulder while she was making dinner. She went from very cheery to violent in about 10 seconds. She slammed the refrigerator door hard enough that the door contents spilled out and many broke all over the floor, making a huge mess. I was shocked, and after I put S1 down, I got on my hands and knees and cleaned up the mess while she sat at the table, quietly fuming while she ate by herself.

It should have shocked me more, but then my own mother (BPD) was violent so maybe it was just familiar to me. I remember getting smacked around quite a bit, and often WoE awaiting the next smack. When I was a teen, things got very bad. I remember once time I ran from her and she threw a heavy flashlight as hard as she could at me as I ran down the steps. It was one of those foot tall fluorescent-halogen combo lights that took four D batteries. I successfully dodged it, and the flashlight broke all over the ground, which got her even more angry. I think I just ran off into the woods that day and didn't come back for many hours.

So I'm wondering how many of us, and I'm including the ladies here, put up with aggressive or outright violent behavior because we came from violent homes?

[SSinNYC]

I must say not a lot of people especially if you've never experienced it realize how negatively violence can affect you.

Going to work or walking with a bruised body, black eye, cut face, swollen lip week after week is NOT normal.

Being suffocated thinking this is my last breath, begging for mercy not to die, having chunks of hair pulled out of your scalp is NOT LOVE !

NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY VIOLENCE IS NOT OKAY !  ……." It's your fault" ……" you made me do it" ……"I've never done this before" …... "See what you made me do"…... "It was self-defense"

Worst of it all ?  I let him getaway with it. Time after time. Why ? Cause I "Felt bad"…I must have "made him angry"  " I was too weak and traumatized to do anything about it"


And yes he GOT AWAY with it! I'm sure now he is walking the streets holding his head high,online dating, in the bars & clubs acting like a man.So sad! So many diseased people on the streets in disguise.

Sometimes I wonder the fact that I haven't reported him, and let him get away with it , will I ever get full recovery considering NOT only he NEVER apologized or made things right and is STILL badmouthing me to this day! But my Therapist says his problems are beyond having a "Criminal record" and he is helpless. I still think about weather to do it or not in order to put a stop to it for the sake of others.I mean someone has to. 

He had all the traits of a of a Pathological liar : Control ,Selfishness, Abusive behavior, Impulsivity, ,Manipulativeness,Low self-esteem (in his case VERY LOW) , Anger 

AND all the traits of Abusive men: Control, Selfishness,Externalization of responsibility,DENIAL, Minimization and Victim Blaming.

So he was a "textbook case" of both ABUSIVE and Pathological LIAR!

On top of that he was VERY immature. He never felt like he had to grow up well it seemed like since he worked with minors he could relate only to them. ANYTHING that didn't go his way it was an argument. It was as if I had to be on a leash for him to be happy.It was obvious he had never learned how to respect a girl.Or knew what respect was for that matter. His way of handling anything that he couldn't fix with physical or verbal abusive was to make sure to damage or throw away any of my belongings or to make sure he calls EVERYONE he knows (which weren't many) to bad mouth me so he can feel a little bit better about himself.  As long I was the "Crazy one"  and not him.

He even decided to threaten my family with any information he had from me, including stuff he had hacked into a fake email from.

Why did I let this MONSTER in my life again?

Looking back there is not one thing I even liked about this person. I normally wouldn't even going on a second date with someone like him but yet I went out with him for 8 months ?

It seemed like he had a way of charming girls into his life but most were smart enough to either reject him or just use him considering they were desperate.

HOW GLAD I AM HE IS OUT OF MY LIFE! 

[BuildingFromScratch]

Actually, the most traumatizing thing in my entire life was when my ex hit me and hit me and hit me while she shrieking like a banshee saying how much she hated me. I was hunched over crying. I blacked it out for 12 years. The worst thing about it is, that since I'm a man, people don't take it very seriously. But for me, and because I cared about her so much. It was HORRIBLE and probably still affects me to this day. I went dead inside after that, and to a large extent, I still am.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I experienced an emotional/verbal beat down that stole part of me away for a long time... .I don't mean to minimize my own pain, but I can't imagine what a physical loss of trust this enormous would feel like. You will get through it and find yourself again, I promise. We're all here for you.

After she did that I felt unsafe in my own home for like over a decade, I'm exhausted, and still feel unsafe for some reason. The verbal abuse is pretty terrible too to be honest. I'm sorry you've gone through that.  It's like you forget which direction is up and which is down after a while, isn't it? Thanks for your kind words, I hope you feel better too.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I remember the time my Ex was violent in front of me, though she certainly could be verbally aggressive, and scared me enough because she was road raging a few times. She did slap me once when my back was turned, and there was one time I came home to a really nasty note and her cell phone in pieces in the hallway as she had thrown it down the hallway and left. The time that really concerned me though was this:

I had let S4, then S1, fall asleep on my shoulder while she was making dinner. She went from very cheery to violent in about 10 seconds. She slammed the refrigerator door hard enough that the door contents spilled out and many broke all over the floor, making a huge mess. I was shocked, and after I put S1 down, I got on my hands and knees and cleaned up the mess while she sat at the table, quietly fuming while she ate by herself.

It should have shocked me more, but then my own mother (BPD) was violent so maybe it was just familiar to me. I remember getting smacked around quite a bit, and often WoE awaiting the next smack. When I was a teen, things got very bad. I remember once time I ran from her and she threw a heavy flashlight as hard as she could at me as I ran down the steps. It was one of those foot tall fluorescent-halogen combo lights that took four D batteries. I successfully dodged it, and the flashlight broke all over the ground, which got her even more angry. I think I just ran off into the woods that day and didn't come back for many hours.

So I'm wondering how many of us, and I'm including the ladies here, put up with aggressive or outright violent behavior because we came from violent homes?

I didn't deal with a whole lot of violence myself, but some. My dad gave me a black eye by slapping me when I was five, and threw a watch at me which cut open my head. I can't imagine what it's like having a BPD mother, that sounds terrible, what you went through. Yes, I agree, though, it seemed normal to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex punched the crap out of me more than once, and she was a personal trainer and pretty strong, she could pack a punch, but at the time I figured I 'deserved' it because I'd been fcking with her, my dysfunctional way of dealing with her mood swings and emotional distance.  I laughed at her, because I refused to give her the benefit of thinking she hurt me, but had she pushed it just a little harder or at the wrong time I would have snapped and done something that resulted in incarceration.  Sick sht all around, no health to be found, growth to do.

[AwakenedOne]

My "wife" mostly sucker punched. She usualy attacked me at vulnerable moments such as when I was very sick, asleep, not  looking, injured from her past rages or injured unrelated to her.

[CareTaker]

So I'm wondering how many of us, and I'm including the ladies here, put up with aggressive or outright violent behavior because we came from violent homes

Now there is a good question, and a great topic to discuss under a new thread.

Why do we stick to these woman?

Let's be honest. Your relationship with a BPD is nothing like one with a non. There just is no comparison, yet you don't let go.

Before knowing anything about BPD, I always used to ask my ex to control her very bad mood. I just could not understand why she always had to verbally abuse me in the way she did. People who love each other, just don't say THOSE type of things to each other.

After much frustration and a google search, I came across BPD. Wow. Scary. But I was ok, because my girlfriend doesn't like violence and has never physically abused me. Wrong.

Any excuse will do, just not to face reality.

Then while in one of her childish, three year old mentality, ridiculous fights, I shouted at her out of frustration. You all know the story. I was nearly stabbed with a kitchen knife, which then turned out to be my fault because she thought her life was in danger.

So what am I getting at?

Why was I still in this relationship. Nothing about it, is normal. As a matter of fact it is the most dysfunctional relationship I had ever had. But I kept going.

That lead me to a new search, as I started to discover codependancy. Another new topic for me. I came across a book: Codependancy no more, by Melody Beattie and I started looking at myself.

Stangely enough, I always THOUGHT I grew up in a stable environment. But I was wrong. Then for 10 years I had my parents move into my house, because I was responsible for their wellbeing. So I felt. During that time I lost my wife, whom I really loved. After my dad passed away I was cut off from the world for four years taking care of my mom.

This loneliness triggered my childhood experiences and immediately I got attached to a BPD which I met on a dating site.

She was just so right for me in a time of extreme loneliness. I was the perfect victim, but I must be honest today and say if I had to walk passed her in the street without knowing her, I wouldn't look at her twice. There is nothing about her, that I find attractive. There are very personal reasons, that I cannot list here, but believe me she is not my type.

Yet we dated for 3 years, and nearly had a baby.     

So yes, there is a reason why most of us get involved with them, and stick to them. Especially those of us who have experienced extreme cases of abuse and dysfunction.

[SlyQQ]

Truth be known i was in a violent relationship before BPD kicking hair pulling spiting in face drawing knives etc only had one run in BPD she through a fork at me i turned walked away came after me hand on shoulder turned me an slapped my face I slapped her back ( the only time i had ever hit anyone ) and that put a stop to it but it all was a pale pale shadow compared to the psycholigical violence that was metered out to me an the family in the following years much worse than even sexual abuse imho