Currently triggered

[Blimblam]

I sent my ex a text that she didn't respond to and am currently triggered.  This is hell. Honestly these ptsd symptoms are the worst experience of my life. It is debilitating and overwhelming. I wish I could just finally heal. It just seems like this might be permanent. It's like I have brain damage from the truama.

[Lion Fire]

Hi Blimblam,

I've been where you are. It's awful I know.

The way through for me was NC and then a lot of self examination with therapy.

Through NC I was able to detach and get the space to deal with it all.

Is it possible for you to cut contact?

This will pass for you, have faith and courage. Things will improve.

I'm 7,5 months out with 5 months NC. I feel a lot better. Peace and healing have replaced anxiety, depression and confusion.

Be strong

Blessings

[Loveofhislife]

Blim:  If I were to have written exbfBPD--I have no doubt it would have triggered me--especially if he did not respond.  The not knowing, the worrying, the wondering--especially during the holidays--is excruciating.  Sometimes, the past year of our r/s doesn't feel real--doesn't feel like it really happened, so perhaps reaching out is a way for us to validate that yes, they are real; they are alive; they are ok.  However, just as we have become a trigger for them, so too; they are a trigger for us.  And we know it's an addiction.  So, you attempted to take another "hit" of the BPD drug.  Do not beat yourself up about it.  We all have been there.  Just try to remember this excruciating pain you are feeling now the next time you are tempted to reach out.  Write about how you are feeling now, and put it in a safe place, and re-read it the next time you are tempted to contact her.  We are here for you just as you have been here for us.  You're going to be ok.

[Dutched]

Blimblam you seemed so balanced lately! In your advises, insights etc. to other members

Of course, I am totally aware that healing is certainly not a linear process, so what is going on?

What made you sent a text?

What is the wishful thought behind it?

[123Phoebe]

I sent my ex a text that she didn't respond to and am currently triggered.  This is hell.

What did you say in the text?

[CareTaker]

Blimbam, you giving your ex power over you. She knows you expecting a reply. She now has the power to control your emotions. That is fatal in your recovery.

Before you do that again, rather send each member on this forum a text. 

Everyone will reply.

Seriously, I don't know when I walked out, it was somewhere towards the middle of September. No date. I don't make contact. I don't want or need contact. If I had to make contact, I give her the opportunity to start her whole verbal abuse again. That is the only thing in life she is very good at. That pleasure she will never have from me.

Stay strong mate. You can get over this. I know you can do it, and I have faith in you.

[guy4caligirl]

BlimBlam .

Every fiber of my body and soul feels with you , I am where you are , some days I think it's over and I am feeling better 4 month since B/U .

I Go NC 4 to 5 days then I break it and feel the want to text her , whish's I did before thanks giving nothing but nice sweet thoughtful stuff no respond for 6 days from her totally ignored , I know I inflicted that pain to myself , but I am used to ST .Last night about 11.30 pm she replies "Happy thanks giving "

Nothing else  , I got my ounce of poison ,but I know she does read my texts Good or no good I am still able to get the point across .

Everyone's situation is different .

I think we are doing the best we can nothing is wrong with you, with me with all of us

What did we do to deserve all that , is we ... .Loved and still do .

You write very impressive posts here and help us make the day .

One bad day is better than a bad months

Keep on hanging ,it only get's better either they come back and get treatment or they won't ,It's a personal choice , but life has to go on .

All what we all are doing on here is trying our best to get through and nothing is going to stop us but the end result should be awesome with them or without them .

[Artisan]

Blim! 

You feel bad b/c you care!

And b/c of being sensitive, will always care!

Doesn't mean one has to feel bad from caring!



Patience wins.

[Blimblam]

Thank you all for responding.

I just wished her happy thanksgiving.

About a week or go I had this insight into the relationship and where things came from. Like strands of thought of the cause and effect of friends and family.  People subtly trying to sabatage the relationship. Mainly her one friend is is basically a sort of combination of the entire cluster b spectrum. Her dads mixed really liking me vs being jealous his daughter loved me so much.

I realized that a long term rs with my quiet borderline ex is possible. Her one cluster b friend is extremely selfish and fake a major Narcisist and she liked to present herself a certain way but I really did that stuff so she hated on me because that's the bullcrap she soled people about ho she was.  That girl had been talking crap about me behind my back before I even met my ex.

Anyway I just missed her as a friend. She had a major dysregulation episode and te entire relationship spun out from their. It was her stupid cluster b friend that set up the situation that caused that episode and I got all the pain from that.

Quiet borderlines can be very different than other cluster bs In general. I have known a few and she was the coolest one.  A very sweet girl really. She has the nasty abussive side but the circumstances that led to it I really do think can be avoided. If she wasn't so attracted to extremely selfish people. It's like they out a poison thought in her mind and the crap flows untill it finally hits a kind caring person and sticks then they process the pain of someone's selfishness a few steps removed.

It wasn't so much she didn't respond.  She has just become a trigger for me. This is something I want to overcome not run away from. I don't want to live the rest of my life fearing this tiny woman.

[Rifka]

Blimblam,

I'm sorry that you are triggered. Holidays are rough!

It is very tempting to wish them a happy holiday because our minds say that is is a nice thing to do, and of course we want them to wish us the same.

Holidays are usually a trigger time for them, as is vacations or anything else that would make us happy.

It's difficult to fight the urge to want the validation that they have an ounce of caring in their soul. To reach out either starts the crazy dance again or leaves you sick because they get the power back because we have shown them that we still care by contacting or responding to them.

Holidays are very tough. I'm sorry that you still miss the good side of her. Our brains focus on that side and keep us prisoners of our wonderful memories. It's painful.

I'm sure that I would have gotten the same no response from my ex crazy, I just refuse to break n/c. I let myself be tortured enough while in it, to open that door to mental hell for any reason is never an option.

I also agree that you should write here to your BPD family instead, because we do all care for each other and understand the pain we all feel or have felt. We respond!

Hugs to you today, I hope it's a better day.

Rifka

[Deeno02]

Blim, shake it off dude. Get back on the program. Its my first holiday without her. Little anxious yesterday, but hung tough. Remember why we are here.

[Dutched]

I can imagine the pain you now experiencing BlimBlam  

Being direct maybe but just for your self reflection.

Your analyzed (got insight) the relationship, the cause, the effect and concluded it was greatly effected by the influences of a ‘third party’?

Did your conclusion gave you inner peace? Did it give you a kind of closure?

May I answer upfront… no, I don’t think so.

How many times are kids told (even as adults) ‘you look like your father/mother, same behaviour’… positive or negative. See the link with the ‘third party’ ?  

Doing so in my case. Hee, it runs in that family (‘you look like…’). Grandma, exw, exw sister/brother…. and the daughter I once had (once… as she cut all contact as ‘mom’ fled).

Does it help? Well it explains a lot, but no, my family and that daughter I once had, are gone forever.

You analyzed how ‘different’ your ex as quiet BPD is compared to others in Cluster B. Combined with the analyses of the r/s  (and believe me, I have no doubt about you are saying!), then you could have imagined how she would respond, better that it was futile expecting a response.

BlimBlam, reading, learning, analyzing psyche as Jung (and many others you refer to) is not enough.

This is made perfectly clear on the Staying Board!  

It is understanding the dynamics of the behaviour of (ex)partners, diagnosed or armchair diagnosed by us (despite all the knowledge we gained).

Labelling isn’t helping you, didn’t help me and I wonder if it is of any help for anyone else.

We experienced ‘craziness’ and need an explanation for devastating behaviour; it is in our nature to do so.

So you did and up to a point was satisfied by what you found.

It is valuable knowledge for the rest of your life, but lay it to rest.

I once advised you to read posts of member ‘2010’. There is no labelling, there are metaphors, there are explanations of behaviour (so based upon understanding the dynamics) and, reflection to our behaviour, our actions.  

As myself and many, many others, you felt the need to reach out and was disappointed. That is not the trigger if you ask me.

You just reached a low point in YOUR process. The undeniable urge to contact, to reach out, in being nice and THE possibility on this happy day to grab the opportunity, hoping to get a response.

It painful, know it, been there, but learned that lesson too, despite knowing better!

The hope… that longing for…  it was a disillusion you learned from.

[Left broken and confused]

I am having the same issue with nc but I will admit that I would like to try our rs again knowing what I know about what his mental state is I have been able to figure out his triggers and maybe I can make it work. My ex will always respond to my text shorty after I send it. Normally he is distance will not ever ask me questions which does upset me. Last week our conversation turned in a direction it probably shouldn't have and became sexual. I was suppose to meet him for lunch the next day and he for the first time didn't respond to my text. I sent another at lunch time explaining how embarrassed I was about our conversation the day before and he responded to that right away basically to comfort me which is confusing to me. Since then no text from him. I sent him a Thanksgiving text which he responded to and we text a few nothing text back and forth that night. I am just so confused by this whole thing really. Last week he wanted me this week he is cold

[draptemp]

Blimblam, the almost identical thing just happened to me over the Thanksgiving holiday. It actually was a continuation of a rage that started on Sunday before thanksgiving. He quietly slipped away and got ready for church but just failed to tell me he was going until I noticed his absence and text him and asked if he were going somewhere. He responded, "yes, I am going to church with my mother"

I went up to his room and said gently, " I wish I had known, I would enjoyed going as well" that sparked a rage that was out of control with name calling, accusations of me being too dramatic and painting me black and ruining his day off and taking any desire to go. I tried to reason with him to no avail because once the rage began there was no stopping it. I retreated to the den and thought id let him self sooth. He stormed out of the house and did not return.

I had flown out to visit and was scheduled to leave the next day but I thought it'd be best to just go ahead and leave now. I did. Once he found out I was going to visit my son and then onto my daughters it sparked a silence that has lasted for almost a week now.

I did the same thing I always do and attempted to be rational about the entire episode but he text me on Wednesday before thanksgiving and accused me of abandoning him and choosing my family over him and therefore he wasn't going to acknowledge me at all. I did not respond to the nasty, mean spirited text in the same way but rather, tried to be validating, supportive and assure him I was not abandoning do him but I was not about to spend thanksgiving by myself. I sent a text on thanksgiving day to say happy thanksgiving. I've had not are response and realize that the silence is a complex defense mechanism and a controlling effort on his part.

I broke down and sent a text to him today and basically told him I accepted responsibility for any part I played in the episode on Sunday but by doing so; I asked him not to interpret that as desperation and further punish me by silence and ignoring me. I also told him I was weary of always being the one who tried to reconcile  and initiate any text, inquiries, expressions of interest, concerns. Also, he had the ability in the past and had the initiative and if he were interested enough and it was important enough to him, he could contact me and I assured him I would definitely respond. Silence!

It is hurtful, invalidating of my love and concern and demeaning. The pain of it all is so great. I realize that I am giving my power over to him but it is like someone else said; "intoxicating"

I am at my wits end. I have read so much on these boards and I feel I understand this painful, cruel sickness but somehow that doesn't seem to save my desires, pain and annilation. Will it stop? I don't want to leave him but the infliction of this pain for 3+ years now is getting to me.

[peiper]

Blim we all have weak moments. Give yourself a break.

[Blimblam]

Thanks folks.

"I just didn't expect this storm to last as long as it has... .Bad luck I guess, it floats around it's got to land on somebody I guess." - shawshank redemption

[peiper]

Thanks folks.

"I just didn't expect this storm to last as long as it has... .Bad luck I guess, it floats around it's got to land on somebody I guess." - shawshank redemption

Like all storms they pass its just up to us to wait them out.

[Waifed]

Thanks folks.

"I just didn't expect this storm to last as long as it has... .Bad luck I guess, it floats around it's got to land on somebody I guess." - shawshank redemption

Hang in there Blim. It will pass. Her not responding is a conscious effort on her part. If she didn't care about you or was indifferent she probably would have responded with a "thanks". That said, it is nice to justify in your head reasons the relationship could work out but step back and let your head clear. Do you really want to start this recovery thing over again. The PTSD will go away over time.  It's a slow process but it will go away. I've met someone that I am totally interested in and currently my exBPD is all but faded. Nothing may come of this and I may have thoughts of ex again.  However, this is proof to me that once I connect with someone I really care about, any feelings I have for my ex will disappear just like they do in any other past relationships. Hang in there. You'll get back to your baseline. You are doing great and have helped a lot of others on here.

[hope2727]

If she wasn't so attracted to extremely selfish people. It's like they out a poison thought in her mind and the crap flows untill it finally hits a kind caring person and sticks then they process the pain of someone's selfishness a few steps removed

That is so interesting. My expwBPD is attracted to really selfish people too. His cast of characters includes the NPD best friend who is emotionally abusive and bullying that he works with, the orbiting women who are minimally employed, in unhappy relationships and seeking his 'counselling', the drug and alcohol laden family members, the work colleagues who validate him but barely know him. He seems to need these people to tell him how great he is on one hand and to treat him like garbage on the other. Now he has my ex best friend (male) who believes all his lies and tries to bait me into an argument or gossip every time I talk to him. Needles to say I have gone LC with this person. Boundaries.


Don't beat yourself up over the text. It takes everything I have every day to not text mine. I text the messages I want to send him to a friend who responds as she thinks he would. Mostly lashing out at me telling me its all my fault. It helps to put some reality back in my idealized notion of who he was and is.

You reached out because you loved and still care. You just need to find someone worthy of that love and caring. We all do.

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys

Yeah waifed the ptsd is difficult and I don't want to have to start from the beginning again. It just seems to play the memories over and over but now much more slowly than before. Each time it plays through i cycle through the grieving stages to vary degrees of depth and then it starts over. Like layers of my mind trying to make sense of it and process everything.  Each cycle of remembering brings out new insights and truama to be processed. 

Lately the influence of third and fourth parties has been more clear as I dig up that energy in myself.  It's interesting because I can remember my ex adapting her perosnality to fit in with other people then coming back to me and is was processing it becuase I had let her in. A lot of my focus lately has been processing of how the psychic energy has flowed in and out of me durring the course of that relationship.  It's strange because it is so linked to other people and I can feel them in memories and dreams. It sort of clarifies by I reacted the way I did at certain moments in the that I felt I had no control over. 

It's like when someone is talking behind your back and then you enter a place and can feel all that energy from how people treat you becUse that person put thoughts about you in all those other people's head.

I think my ex is attracted to selfish people because her upbringing. She's learned to be highly attractive to recieve attention from selfish people so it is familiar to her. That and at the beginning of the interaction she can adopt some of their behaviors to be able to feel

Empowered to project and dissasociate from her shame and fears into the person she has devalued.

It is sort of bizzare but because of the lack of sense of self she is like a hodge podge of different people's identities and they sort of just play out through her. The programming of each persons attitudes she takes on is like a bit of programming that interacts with the other programming.  How ever that programming interacts she just justifies it to avoid feeling shame and she just does it to be accepted and avoid having to personally confront her fears.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey BlimBlam, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I suffer from PTSD symtoms, I don't know if they are similar to yours but some days I feel this feeling of terror and like I'm a wounded animal. It's like I'm peering into my own brain to a place I never should have visited and I think something is terribly wrong with me. It's horrible.

I hate to say it, but I think your making an awful lot of excuses for her. It's great to be understanding, but the decisions you make gotta be good for you. I wanted to rescue mine and be with mine for a long time, I may even feel that way again. I want her to fix me, even if that's foolish. But I know that's a pipe dream, it can't work. It would probably take me like ten years of emotional cultivation to be healthy enough to not take her insanity personally. And without her being dedicated to therapy, I don't think there is much hope for her. Part of the reason they even get with people like us, is to deny that there is anything wrong with them.

We've learned a lot Blim, we just need to apply it in real time. And work through our despair, confusion, pain and anger. I have a lot of tough days too, hang in there. This community is here for you.