Pretty sure she's BPD

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex and I were together for 9.5 yrs. We were primarily long distance during that time, but because of my situation I could travel at will to be with her and her sons whenever necessary. She had been a closet lesbian for the 10 yrs when was married and after she divorced we met and began a relationship. There are too many details, but primarily, because of her heritage, she got to a place where she would say she "couldn't be the only daughter of a Hispanic family and be gay." She is also a licensed, practicing counselor.

Four yrs ago, she did something similar to wanting to end our relationship, but ultimately we got back together. She however, did not end things in the fashion she did this year, on my birthday, no less. For the last 2.5 years I had been helping her fight a custody battle with her ex husband because he did not want to pay increased child support. Ultimately, he ended up with more visitation and she got less child support (after 10 years, no less). This was quite stressful on both of us, but naturally more so on her. When the judge finally gave his decision at the first of April, she made the 2nd most astounding comment I have ever heard out of her mouth, "if I have to find a man to f*** to keep my boys in private school then that is what I'm going to do." I was flabbergasted! From that point on our relationship totally changed. By the middle of June she never called, she rarely texted and essentially just "disappeared" out of my life. Prior to this, I was the first and last person she spoke to every night. We emailed several times a day, talked on the phone throughout the day, etc.

By my birthday in August I had heard nothing from her for 2 weeks. I received a card from her and essentially, after telling me she said I deserved "consistent" happiness, told me that she had been dating men during the summer and she and the boys were taking "another path." She said that the court case had been "life altering."

I was livid, primarily b/c the previous 2.5 yrs I had listened to her rage day and night about her exhusband, his new wife, the judge, etc. and had helped her substantially financially with her own legal fees. The last text I recevied from her was a blanket text that she sent to 15 different people in July telling them she had signed the final legal document. Astonished I texted her and asked her what had changed since May. She replied that it was simple stuff, she knew it would "upset" me and that she was sending a card to 2 of her son's teachers thanking them for being supportive during the school year. And not a single word of thanks to me for anything I had done for her.

I was so hurt and angry by the card that had basically implied that our relationship had been nothing more than a frindship, I called and left a scorched earth voicemail for her. I told her she was a gutless coward and that she was nothing more than a lying cheating grifter. And those were the nice things. Amazingly, I actually was reading a post on these boards from two years ago and some guy said close to the same things to his ex that I did. Not the things mentioned here, but the scorched earth things. I felt fine after I hung up, and then spent the next two months totally ashamed of myself. I am by nature not an angry person, I don't lose my cool and I even shocked myself with my vitriolic words. Ultimately I got to a place where I was able to apologize.

I have had a therapist for many years who I go to when I need a tune up and had not seen her since the last time my ex left and started dating men 4 yrs ago. There has never been any discussion of BPD, I just figured she was having issues with her sexuality.

I sent my ex's son a birthday gift 2 weeks ago and she sent me an email telling me I shouldn't have gone to the trouble, she had been dating men this fall, did not intend to go back to our relationship and that she had been hurt by my hurtful and just plain mean voicemail. She didn't tell me not to contact her again so I took the opening and emailed her a heartfelt apology; no accusing her and accepting total responsibility for my actions. Never even mentioned hers. Two days later I heard back from her. She said she wasn't ready to have daily, weekly or monthly contact with me and that we both needed to think about the truth of the words that I had said to her. This is paraphrasing, but when I read it to my therapist, I said she is trying to control me here. I then tell my therapist that I am being scapegoated, that my words have turned into the issue rather than my ex's actions.

I told my T I. had googled scapegoating by an ex and told her that what came up were all these links to narcissism and BPD. I read thru some of the links and things just sounded exactly like my ex's behavior the last 9.5 yrs! My T asked like what and I explained to her about the raging, the painting black of people she knew, the baiting her exH by calling him names to emasculate him, getting attached emotionally to older women then getting depressed when they kept her at arms length. After I finish, my T looks at me and says "this is the first I'm hearing of this!" and I tell her I didn't think it was relevant. I figured it was stress or just the way she was, etc. my T just shook her head. We then talked about BPD's and her experience with them in counseling. I see her next week, but I am still devestated by my ex being gone, dating some man, and how she treated me after all the goodness I had shown her and her kids.

In September I started receiving hangup phone calls. I experienced this once before in the past from another ex, so I know it when I experience it. I finally sent her a few sentence email at the first of November and amazingly, not only did she respond, she responded in 2.5 hours thanking me for them. She also sent me the email referenced earlier 2 weeks ago. Also, yesterday evening, at the usual time she would call me in the evening on her way home from work in the past, I received a hangup phone call. Of course, private caller or no number showed on the caller ID. She and I always had memorable holiday seasons with one another. I gave her splendid gifts and we would be together after Xmas, thru New Years and have a great time, so it won't be surprising that she may be getting antsy about the holiday season.

So this is my story in a nutshell. It seems based on everything I have been reading my ex may be BPD. If she doesn't, then shes just a terrible, horrible selfish person. I also kept telling my T since the end of August, she was not this way when I met her; I would have never gotten involved with someone who behaved this way. This last time after I had laid out my findings to my T, she explained to me that my ex would not behave that way initially if she were BPD. And sadly, now this makes too much sense.

Thanks for reading and I apologize for the length.

[Mutt]

 

Hi ShadowInTheNIght,

I would like to welcome you. It's painful, confusing and frustating being in a relationship with someone that has BPD. Your not sure if she is or not, but I think alarm bells were ringing at least a couple of years ago if you were lurking on the site then? I can relate. I'm not sure if my ex wife is BPD or not. I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, only a doctor can.

That said, I look at the traits or negative behaviors from my ex and I do have a right to have boundaries to keep the bad stuff out and good stuff in.

I'm sorry she broke up with you on your birthday and you must of been gobsmacked ( I know I would ) from how she said she decided to break-up with you. I have to agree there is emotional blackmail when she is trying to make you feel guilty for her actions and you were frustrated and vented when you called and left a voice message. I can relate here too, I have called and sent emails in the past I was not proud of because I was triggered and frustrated.

These calls must make you feel anxiety and stress because you shared memories around this time of the year. It must be difficult for you. Do you see her kids?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thanks for the welcome Mutt. Let me clarify, I only started reading these boards about 2 weeks ago. That's when she sent her reply to my apology and I googled scapegoated by an ex. It's how I found this site. Since then I have been reading many posts from about 2 years ago to the present and am astonished by all the similarities in our relat. I had looked at other relationship forums directly after she ended our relat, but nothing at all seemed similar to our situation.

I have never had anyone end a relationship with a note stuck inside a birthday card to me! Even the short ones in the past were like adios! She & I had excellent communication and deep trust with one another. I know it's hard to imagine when someone cuts you off like that, but we truly did. I still have no idea what made her go.

I have seen the term dysregulation used in previous posts, and when I was reading their definition I thought "she never did that." But then I remembered the comment about finding a man to f*** and another comment that was equally astonishing 4 yrs ago that led to a short term breakup and realized those were 2 instances of her dysregulating. I mean I had never heard such raging anger out of a person in my life! Both times it was if she became a different person. So her actions were something, it's just I had no name for them. As I told my T I read about gardening and tennis, not personality disorders. My mistake. I guess I'll be an expert now, sadly.

And thanks for asking about her kids. They are 12 & 14 now. I have known them since they were 2 & 4. And no I don't see them. She and I had plans for them to come up this past June, but due to unforeseen circumstances, i.e. her disappearing and dating unbeknownst to me, that did not happen. It's hard to know if I'll ever see them again at this point.

And the bigger trigger than the holidays this time of year is that it was 10 years ago the week before Xmas that we first met. It was one of the happiest times of my life, and I've had some really happy times! I'm not even sure that she remembers anything about us meeting. But I remember the weekend like it was yesterday. The calls only make me miss her more. I know she knows how wonderful I was to her. My guess that she says nothing when she calls is because she probably really is ashamed of herself now.

BTW, I'm 52 and she's 46. Both of us old enough to know better... .

[Mutt]

I can relate when you day it was the happiest you ever felt. I was depressed when I met my ex and she had a certain type of electricity to her. It was her words and her attention to me that I felt attracted too in the beginning. At the time, I didn't realize that i was being put on a pedestal. It was an intense emotional connection. I had never felt anything quote like that before.

I'm sorry to hear that you are not talking to the kids. You were there when both kids were young. It must be emotionally painful to have them uprooted suddenly. I mean this was your family and she suddenly had an epiphany with the experience she had in court and left.

BPD is a spectrum disorder and not one partner is the same. Although many members on the Leaving board share similar experiences with having short or long-term relationships end suddenly with no logical explanation from their girlfriend it spouse. It defies logic when you have a long history and its as if a switch gets turned off. It's hard.

From my perspective it's important to put a name to this stuff. I was at my wits end at the end and no one in real life understood what I was trying to tell them. I looked and sounded like I was crazy. It begins to untangle a profoundly confusing and painful experience when we explore what's fact and what really happened. It's confusing when a partner tells you something they are convicted that us absolute truth and in a matter if minutes or hours tells you the same thing with perhaps the slightest adjustment only to tell you that your the one that's the problem and aren't getting it. It's a serious mental illness and disorder.

I'm happy that you joined and hopefully we can get help to get to the root of your experience.

I can also relate with your triggers with the holidays. I'm sorry. This time of the year she the weather changes my ex used to get worst every year ( dissociate phase ) and it triggers me with I believe to be PTSD. I understand your struggling.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I have felt pretty crazy too since this happened. After the first week of it ending I just didn't talk to anyone about what had happened because I felt so embarrassed to say an almost ten year relationship ended with a letter in my birthday card.

Of course everyone's reaction is just get over her, etc. but how could I "just get over" being treated in such a deplorable way? If I had been a slouch, beat and cursed at her, slapped her around, been even a slight ___hole, I could tell myself I deserved it. But to realize she had been going out on dates the month of May while I was making sure the final custody document wasn't going to screw her over is hurtful beyond words.

So to find a place that makes her actions, particularly in the last 4 years, make some bit of sense, is a relief. Best of all I believe it will help my therapist get a better handle on helping me to grieve and move on. I don't want to move on really, but how could I ever go back? Rhetorical question,of course.