Marilynn's daughter

[pistnpositive]

Thank you for this outlet of support. I was blessed 12 years ago with a very good therapist who had expanded her education in the area of PTSD and adults raised by abusive parents (lay terms). I went to see her after my husband of 2 years humiliated me during an argument and caused me to have a brain splitting flashback of a traumatic experience from 16 yrs earlier. I was so mad at my brain for keeping it from me. I really thought I had control of my own thoughts and memories. How naive! I wouldn't tell my therapist the details of the flashback I figured she knew I was strong enough to deal with it/ I mean after all, she did tell me what an incredibly strong woman I was at our last appt. when I previously saw her for grief therapy. Pffftt! Yeah, right. Right away though, she wanted me to talk about my mother, was she abusive, who did drugs or alcohol to excess, etc. I got so defensive. I basically told this very respected professional that my mother walked on water, I am a grown up who made bad decisions and the responsibility is mine, so don't go blaming my parents. She said "OK, fine but know this, S... .You are allowed to decide to not talk to your mother anytime you what, you have permission. Give it to the Lord." I did the very next day. I had to move back to California a year into PTSD therapy and never followed up. My therapist suggested a little homework assignment for the road... .Look up Histrionic Personality Disorder/being the child of. I glimpsed on the internet 5 years ago but only found definitions. Now that today I found your site and have a better understanding for myself, I feel it truly is the first day of the rest of my life. So why am I still so angry and ashamed for not standing up to her before she successfully isolated me from everyone I loved because I  felt healthier not talking to her anymore? I'm 50, alone,homeless with no real idea which direction to go. The healing is making me sick but I know there must be a good reason why so I am committed. Thank You for giving me a voice today.

S

[Kwamina]

Hi pistnpositive  and welcome to bpdfamily!

Now that today I found your site and have a better understanding for myself, I feel it truly is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am happy you feel this way after finding site You mention your mother in your post and the suggestion you got from your former therapist to look up Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). Do you now suspect your mother might have a personality disorder? Would you say that what you've read about HPD and/or about borderline personality disorder (BPD), fits your mother's behavior?

So why am I still so angry and ashamed for not standing up to her before she successfully isolated me from everyone I loved because I  felt healthier not talking to her anymore? I'm 50, alone,homeless with no real idea which direction to go.

Learning to accept the effects of what our parents have done to us is not easy so I understand the difficult emotions you're experiencing now. Could you perhaps tell us a bit more about how your mother treated you and her specific behaviors that you found the most troubling? (like the isolation) You say you're alone and homeless and that is something that really concerns me, especially since you're now also exploring these issues related to your childhood.

The healing is making me sick but I know there must be a good reason why so I am committed.

Could you perhaps elaborate on what you mean here exactly when you say that the healing is making you sick?

I think it's very positive that you've taken this step and are reaching our for support here