Walking through a mine field

[marjorie]

I have a 37 year old daughter who is BPD and has made her life and our's miserable for many years. It is further complicated because she has an almost 3 yr old daughter whom we love very much and have helped care for her while our daughter works. I  am having an impossible time trying to detach because I can't risk being cut off from our granddaughter. My daughter rages and screams at me over very minor things, is ungrateful for all I do for her and have done, is abusive if I don't do whatever it is she is asking, does not care about me or how I am, only cares about what she wants at the moment. It is like living with a "terrorist". I fear for how this is going to affect her daughter. She knows she needs treatment, but has excuses like, she has no insurance, can't afford to miss work to thru the agencies that could help her get treatment without insurance, etc. It's a nightmare.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[picturelady]

 

Hi Marjorie, and welcome to BPD Family!  We are so glad that you have found us.  There are thousands of us who have found helpful information, support, comfort, and help on these message boards.  I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

What you are going through is so painful and stressful.  I am sorry.  I will include some links to information which might be helpful to your situation right now.

Here's a link to "When a Teen or Adult Child has BPD."  There are several articles here which might be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child

And here's a link to the message boards on Parenting someone with BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267

It must be hard to be on that tight rope wire of fearing your daughter cutting you off from your granddaughter, and seeing the affect on her young life.  Come back to read and post as often as you need.  We are here for you.

Take care,

PictureLady   

[lever.]

Hello Marjorie

I can identify with a lot of your post. My own relationship with my daughter is difficult and I am also worried about losing contact with my young grandchildren.

It is a difficult position to be in.

Added to the mix my other daughter is not in contact with her sister and family occasions are difficult.

I have found a lot of information on this board to help improve communication with my daughter. (See the "tools" on the right --->.

I do find that it is difficult to set some of the boundaries I would like to set as I am always aware of the possible implications for my relationship with my grandchildren.

I have also found a lot of tips on here about self-care and mindfulness which have helped some of my daughter's behavior have less impact on me emotionally.

Please take your time and read through some of the articles-I hope that you will find them as helpful as I have done.

You are not alone, there are several of us here in similar situations  

[tristesse]

Hi Marjorie

Im really sorry that you are going through this. The drama undeniably stressful and hectic. Add  the Grand daughter to the mix and everything compounds by ten. I know, because I live this life every single day. My DD Is 31 and my GS is 5. I too feel as if I am living with a terrorist. I can assure you that things can and often do get better, The lessons and tools on this board are so useful and helpful. They take time and practice, but really can and do work. I don't want to mis-lead you, sometimes, no matter what we do or say, we are going to deal with rages, nothing works 100 percent of the time, but the more we use the tools, the better we become at it and the more effective they are.

My DD is a nightmare, she is very low functioning and can not hold a  job because she can't even leave the house some days. I have been using the tools for many months now, and sometimes I failed miserably, but when they work, it is such a relief and what a great feeling.

Continue to try, don't push too much about therapy, I find that only pushes them further away from going, she will realize all on her own hopefully, and get herself an appointment. Especially if she can't get a reaction from you anymore when she is raging.

Good luck, remember to take care of yourself, and know I am thinking of you.

[marjorie]

Thank you, all who have responded to my first post. I appreciate any and all suggestions from others who know what this is like. Unless someone has had first hand experience with this disorder, no one can know how much it affects the lives of close family members. I am my daughters target of all her rage and anger and I have told her she is abusive, disrespectful, ungrateful, etc. to me and feels she can get away with it because she knows I will not "disown" her or walk away, mainly because of our granddaughter. I have had to come to the realization that I cannot expect "normal" inter-action with her, she is always agitated, looking for something to be mad about. I am trying to not let it rattle me like it has for so many years. There is another element that adds to all the turmoil and that is our middle daughter has "disowned" her, so to speak, she was so angry with her horrible behavior of: drinking excessively, arrested for drinking while intoxicated, violating probation 3 times, resulting in 28 days in the county jail, losing a very good job with the county, and then getting pregnant with a guy whom cannot support or have any part of our granddaughters life. She is violently angry with her sister for treating her this way and is violently angry with me if she knows we see her sister or her son. So it is a huge, heartbreaking mess for my husband and I to try to live with, keeping a relationship with all our family. we have a third daughter, the oldest, who while she hates her behavior, has been loving to her daughter and has tried to keep a relationship going, but the BPD daughter usually turns down any invitation given by her older sister. Normal special occasions or holidays do not exist, she would not come for Thanksgiving dinner because she does not want to see her sister. I feel like a failure of a parent at times.

[mggt]

Dear Marj,  We too have a almost 3 year old gd and she is the love of our life our dd is very angry all the time not a good

influence on her child .  The constant yelling and anger would kill the stongest person  .  I dont have any advice just

wanted to let you know there is alot of us out there trying to help dd and gd .  One day at a time and when all else fails

give that baby a big hug and kiss and things will be better if only for a moment