For those that had a child with BPDx

[clydegriffith]

Ok, so as some of you know i have a 3 year old with the BPDx. She has 3 other kids with two other guys. I'm curious as to what your experiences were as far as looking after the kid. When my daughter was an infant, i would be the one to have to get up in the middle of the night to change her diapers and give her her similac even though i worked 8-10 hours a day at the office. Her excuse was that she's home with kids all day and it was only fair for me to take care of them at night. From my conversations with the father of her 6 year old son, the same thing happened to him and she pretty much used him as a babysitter. I came to find out that the latest baby daddy (alleged) is also being used as a babysitter for his alleged kid, my daughter and her other kids while she bartends overnight.

Anyone have a similar experience?

[Turkish]

My Ex was very good in the beginning with both kids (other than slamming the refrigerator door spilling the contents all over the floor in anger once when S4 was S1 when I let him fall asleep on my shoulder before bath time).

When D2 came along, and after my Ex went back to work, I ended up in a pattern of getting up at 6am to take care of the baby, then S then 3 when he got up around 8. I changed her, bottle, breakfast for S3, changed her. I often made breakfast for their mom when she got up around 9. I kept trying to get her to go to sleep earlier because she always needed more sleep than me (to reset her brain, I think). After many months of this, I grew to resent her. In truth, I didn't communicate my resentment, and it was the beginning of our year long downhill slide though it wasn't the primary trigger.

I resented her because in her home culture, it's the moms which take care of the baby while the fathers are the providers. One of her aunts exhibited surprise when I was changing our son's diaper once. My Ex was proud that I was a "modern" dad. Later, I became provider, and more than 50% parent to both kids, I felt. We both worked, but she worked a day less per week than I did. My personal opinion is that taking care of the kids isn't rocket science either; whereas, my uBPDx often stressed out on if she's a good enough mom or is triggered to anger by the kids. Heck, I get angry with the kids, but they've never lectured me to be more patient with them (so said S4) like they do to her. D2's even stood up to her mom to put her on a "time out" when her mom gets "frustrated" (my Ex's euphemism for BPD anger).

In discussing things with my T for months over the past year, he said that while she wasn't a bad mom, she was neglectful. It's not just for their physical needs, for which she seems to be doing a better job now, but their emotional needs. I've accepted that there is a point at which she does the best she can (leaving aside her outbursts with the kids, which I think happen more than she says), and I try to not trigger her or shame her for the sake of the kids.

[clydegriffith]

My Ex was very good in the beginning with both kids (other than slamming the refrigerator door spilling the contents all over the floor in anger once when S4 was S1 when I let him fall asleep on my shoulder before bath time).

When D2 came along, and after my Ex went back to work, I ended up in a pattern of getting up at 6am to take care of the baby, then S then 3 when he got up around 8. I changed her, bottle, breakfast for S3, changed her. I often made breakfast for their mom when she got up around 9. I kept trying to get her to go to sleep earlier because she always needed more sleep than me (to reset her brain, I think). After many months of this, I grew to resent her. In truth, I didn't communicate my resentment, and it was the beginning of our year long downhill slide though it wasn't the primary trigger.

I resented her because in her home culture, it's the moms which take care of the baby while the fathers are the providers. One of her aunts exhibited surprise when I was changing our son's diaper once. My Ex was proud that I was a "modern" dad. Later, I became provider, and more than 50% parent to both kids, I felt. We both worked, but she worked a day less per week than I did. My personal opinion is that taking care of the kids isn't rocket science either; whereas, my uBPDx often stressed out on if she's a good enough mom or is triggered to anger by the kids. Heck, I get angry with the kids, but they've never lectured me to be more patient with them (so said S4) like they do to her. D2's even stood up to her mom to put her on a "time out" when her mom gets "frustrated" (my Ex's euphemism for BPD anger).

In discussing things with my T for months over the past year, he said that while she wasn't a bad mom, she was neglectful. It's not just for their physical needs, for which she seems to be doing a better job now, but their emotional needs. I've accepted that there is a point at which she does the best she can (leaving aside her outbursts with the kids, which I think happen more than she says), and I try to not trigger her or shame her for the sake of the kids.

Interesting... .

I am very careful not to call the BPDx a bad mom. She interacts very well with all her children, she genuniely loves them and the kids love her back. That being said, we do not live in a bubble where it's just her and the kids. There is an entire world away from all that, a world in which she has made one horrible choice after another. I'm not sure how to phrase it as to how exactly it affects the kids should not be in an enviroment where they grow up thinking it's normal to be moving from place to place and seeing their mom with a new guy every 1-2 years.

[Mutt]

I came to find out that the latest baby daddy (alleged) is also being used as a babysitter for his alleged kid, my daughter and her other kids while she bartends overnight.

Anyone have a similar experience?

I have S3, S6, D8 shared custody. When she left the youngest wasn't 2, S5, D7. She wouldn't let me have access to the kids other than every second weekend.

Her words: If you behave Mutt, you'll get them more.

What tore me to shreds is I'm available. The replacement was having overnight sleepovers with the kids in the house 3 weeks after the split.

The two oldest were peeing in bed at night. I could tell the kids were stressed. Mom packed up and moved in a new house, dad's not him anymore and there's a new guy in the house.

She was in her honeymoon phase. Too busy with idealizing him and kids were being neglected.

She would leave the kids at her family, friends and sometimes the kids were shuffled between two different places in the same day. Again, dad's available   This behavior stopped after the bf and her finally moved in a few months later. She was out being with him all of the time, they were in a commited relationship and things moved quickly. I think she feared losing him and was neglecting the kids. 

My youngest was at her sisters house. ExSIL not the sharpest tool in the shed. She was always distracted with her iPhone. Her head buried in it. She has a big marble table and didn't think of trying to move it away from the couch. I get a call from my ex and she's frantic. My son was being a kid and jumping up and down on the couch and hit the marble table. He had stitches and he was fine. I was pretty angry because I'm available.

A month later. I come to pick up the kids. The little one again has a gash on his head. Ex isn't home. She was working part-time hours somewhere. He has this blood bubble and it looked like he hadn't been cleaned up. He has blond hair. It's almost white he's so blond.

Anyways. The replacement friends daughter is in the house and I notice she gets up and hides as I walk up the stoop. Nobody answers the door but my D. I hear footsteps upstairs and ask D7 is that bf? D7 was telling me that he'd hit the china cabinet.

I call ex angrily again. She blames me for an event I don't recall from when what she says S5 had been hurt. I don't recall my kids getting hurt like that with me.

As a dad with no reasonable access and a new bf in the picture and no control of the kids being put on "sitters" I was mad. The bf isn't good with kids and doesn't have his own.

You know this "alleged dad?" What's your custody order like?

[clydegriffith]

I do not know the alleged father of the BPDx's latest baby. From my conversation with the BPDx's mother he's a decent guy and i don't have problem with that. The BPDx is and will always be the problem not the people she tries to trap.

I do not have a custody order in place right now. After everything went to hell the BPDx had to move back to her hometown some 7 hours away in another state. Given the distance and that i need to use my vacation days to see my daughter, i only physically see her for 3-4 days every couple of months. Aside from that, we face time whenever she's the grandma (BPDx's mom) has her which is at least a couple of times a week. I also just voluntarily pay child support so there is nothing going on court wise. I've kind of been winging it like this for the last two years. I would like to improve the situation but honestly have no idea what i can do to get some more meaningful parenting time. Any suggestions?

[Mutt]

I'd get a court order and pay the child support tables.

[ForeverDad]

I agree, a court order is the way to start but not just 'any' court order, get the best one you can possibly get - focusing more on getting more meaningful time and not so much on avoiding the costs of child support.  (Though of course since other men have fathered her other children then of course you shouldn't be the only one providing child support, child support should be split between the fathers.)  Court defaults to assuming dads are willing to move on and leave their wallets behind.  So too often the court spends most of its time and effort into trying to get as much money out of dad as possible without also trying to give dads more time.  Partly, it's the influence of society, if a dad is shut out, no one is upset, dad is just told to pay up and step back, but if the mother isn't in charge then everyone is aghast with shock.  So the deck is stacked against dads - the historical head of the household - and you need to show you want to parent in more than a token way.  If you don't speak up, the court won't hear you.  As I wrote on another post... .

Likely she is including lots of her expenses and few if any of your expenses.  For example, she may be figuring in her housing and other expenses and not including 'income' from the other fathers. If you're paying 25% of income, that may be high, though I don't know how the percentages are done.  While I never admit my income, I can say it's not low and even though my ex was 'imputed' minimum wage because she never provided her income, my CS was set on the low side of the $600-$750 per month range.

Do you have an order specifying how much you pay?  The reason I ask is because (1) you might unknowingly be paying too much and (2) if you don't have an order and she files then from that point forward anything you send her outside of a court order could be deemed a"GIFT" and not child support.  Be aware, beware.  In my case, we separated when my son was 3 years old, she filed for CS a day before I filed for D.  So my divorce case trumped her filing for $$$.  The magistrate did what my county often does, defaulted to the mother and ordered me to pay child support and applied it retroactively to when I filed for divorce.  By then two months had passed and so I walked out owing money I didn't even have and the next week when the month ended the CSEA sent me a notice I was In Default and would be reported to credit agencies if not paid promptly.

Also, my county has different schedules for children under 3 years old, giving more control to the primary parent.  Now that she's no longer a baby or toddler, you can seek more time with your daughter.  Maybe the court will grant you extended visits around some of the major holidays, 1 or 2 week vacations, etc.  Of course, she will cry foul, claim you can't do that, she she makes the rules, etc, but if you present yourself to court as a normal parent then you can start getting more meaningful time with your daughter.  You have to start somewhere, don't let it just be about support, let the court know you want parenting too.  If mother has already lost custody of some of her other children, then depending on those particulars you may have basis to seek majority parenting and more say in decision-making, if not now then later.

What I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with asking for your child during a couple of the long school holidays.  (Thanksgiving, winter break and spring break are some long periods when school is out.)  Be brave, ask for your child for two or three months over the summers, for example, from Father's Day weekend in mid-June through mid-August at a minimum.  Your daughter will be in school soon and that won't negatively impact her school schedule.  Ex will scream like you're an ax murderer but court may very well see it as a reasonable request seeing that (1) she is the one who moved away and (2) she left you stuck with minimal and infrequent visits (3) while forced to pay through the nose.

Oh my, what did I just write?   You asked about child support and I branched out into ways to get more parenting time and perhaps eventually custody!

Thanks for the info. Like your DH's BPDex, I too am threatened with court whenever she gets mad and i'm growing tired of it.  She likes to make it seem like she can go to court and the court will give her whatever she wants and she can be taking half my salary if she wanted to and blah blah blah blah.

As with many members here, I too was relentlessly threatened with the ex's entitled perceptions.  Yes, she did get her way at the start.  But by the time the case ended I walked out with equal time.  Three more years and I got custody.  If I had kept listening to her I would never have been able to stand up for my son.  In a manner of speaking, tune her out, learn what the criteria are that catch the court's attention and focus on those aspects.

So, what are your goals?  I'm hoping you'll see the strategies outlined here will make you a more involved and more empowered father.  At each step of the process you need to seek as much parenting as possible, don't let anyone, not even your own lawyer, discourage you from trying.  As is often said here, If you ask, you might get it or at least some of it.  If you don't ask then you surely won't.  So aim high, show everyone you're not a stereotyped dad!

I'm also wondering that if she is so loose with her adult life, could it be that she is not such a possessive mother when it comes to her parenting?  Would she put up that much of a fight if you do seek significantly more time with your daughter?

[clydegriffith]

I'm also wondering that if she is so loose with her adult life, could it be that she is not such a possessive mother when it comes to her parenting?  Would she put up that much of a fight if you do seek significantly more time with your daughter?

She doesnt necessarily try to keep my daugther from me but she uses her always working and being short on money for gas  to meet up (we live 7 hours apart) when ever she just doesn't feel like it. She says if we go to court the judge would make me pay for her gas every time we meet up in addition to child support and all that other stuff. Now, i don't know how much truth there is to any of that but i just feel like she's got the upper hand in the situation for the mere fact that she's a woman.

[ForeverDad]

... .but I just feel like she's got the upper hand in the situation for the mere fact that she's a woman.

Yes, there's more than a grain of truth to that.  So to counterbalance her advantage you need to have a short term strategy and a long term strategy, good legal support (to filter her entitled claims to something less unrealistic), good local support (trusted friends and family) and good peer support (such as here).  A perceptive and resourceful counselor for you would be good too.

She says if we go to court the judge would make me pay for her gas every time we meet up in addition to child support and all that other stuff. Now, I don't know how much truth there is to any of that... .

This is where you can't trust her self-serving propaganda.  Get some local legal advice in her area.  Consultations are confidential and only a minimal expense and you get an overview of what local courts are like, where you stand and some general ideas on strategies to use to appear the best father possible when you do head to court.

Sadly, making deals with her just leaves her in control since an acting-out disordered person will not agree to anything reasonable.  Although we have lots of issues with the courts, they often are quite slow, the lawyers are expensive and it is difficult to get court to fix things, the good thing is that Court Authority supersedes/trumps the ex's authority.  Sure, you are overridden and even disrespected, but court is the Real Authority.  At the end of the day, that's what counts.