Talking to my mom drives me insane

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I have been talking to my mom the past few days and it just trigger me so badly.  Any and all information becomes a huge twisted manipulation. Her BPD has gotten really really bad and she is yelling at me at all times. I had to turn my phone volume in low and every single conversation she causes me of making her want to kill herself everytime I set a boundary.

[Blimblam]

So I have been talking to my mom the past few days and it just trigger me so badly.  Any and all information becomes a huge twisted manipulation. Her BPD has gotten really really bad and she is yelling at me at all times. I had to turn my phone volume in low and every single conversation she causes me of making her want to kill herself everytime I set a boundary.

[russian]

Hi,

sorry to hear that, but my experience was identical last month, everything I said or did was wrong. We had lunch which ended badly, and I simply ignored her for a few weeks, except sending a couple of texts of only a few positive words, but very limited.

Yesterday we had lunch in Brighton and she gave me £650 as a present and was as nice as pie, except the occasional dig which I ignored. On leaving she kissed me ( unusual) and said goodbye, and how much she loved me.

Let us see what the next meeting will be like... .hell or pleasant.  The motto of the Parachute regiment is " Utringue Paratus" which means ready for anything, and that is the way to deal with my mother, never thought my training would come in so handy later in life. It is just a case of not loving them and always being prepared... .you have to sleep with one eye open... .How my poor father coped I will never know... .a few hours is as much as I can take... .then I can return home, relax and prepare for another mission in the future... .try and get in and out quick without any injuries and never discharge your weapon unless absolutely necessary,I am now a retired Fire-fighter.


I can laugh about it now, but it has been a long process and my father was always there for me until he died 16 years ago, and of course, my wife.

Happy Christmas

Russian

don't let the asss get you down  LOL

[maxen]

So I have been talking to my mom the past few days and it just trigger me so badly.

talking to my mother (paranoia, not BPD) sent me spinning into fury too often, and i finally got the moral support to decide to cut the calls to the absolute minimum. it helped, a lot. how often do you speak? are the calls necessary?

[Blimblam]

Hi thanks guys


I am pretty sure if I cut contact she will kill herself. But every conversation is setting me like a month back in my recovery from my ex.  Right back down in the damn hole. She keeps wanting to talk to me about my ex and I keep telling her no and change the subject.  She keeps just a near constant barrage of abussive nonsense.  I made the mistake of opening up to her a bit a month back and am regretting it deeply becuase now it's all coming back as abuse.

[maxen]

I made the mistake of opening up to her a bit a month back and am regretting it deeply becuase now it's all coming back as abuse.

yes i've been there too  :'(

how often do you call?

[Blimblam]

Well she's been calling me everyday. I told her I will call her back.  I am pretty sure she is ruminating.  I am and processing that energy that was evoked in me.

[Kwamina]

Hi Blimblam

I am pretty sure if I cut contact she will kill herself.

Since your  mother accuses you of making her want to kill herself every time you set a boundary, I can understand why you would be worried of her doing something to herself. Has she expressed this type of threats to you before in the past? Or is this something new she does since the moment you opened up to her a month ago?

Based on your experiences with her so far, would you consider her to be actually suicidal or do you feel more like she uses these threats to manipulate you into doing what she wants? Has she as far as you know ever made any actual suicide attempts?

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

Sorry you are struggling with the toxicity of those conversations.    The suicide thing is to make sure you talk to her.    End the conversation as soon as she brings up a topic of bashing someone.   Tell her point blank if you don't stop talking about my X and find something positive to talk about I will have to end the call with you.

My husband's BPD mom LOVED to rant and rave for 2 years about my husband's x wife.     On and on and on to the point my husband didn't want to hear about it and at the time he was single and dating and didn't need the negativity.

NOW... .she befriended the X that she bashed for two years plus and as soon as I came into husband's life I am the target.  We are no contact with BPD MIL and she calls regular the X to bash me and stir up trouble.   

So as much as you as saving her from her suicide just remember if something better came along you still can be yesterday's lunch.

Take care & hang in there.

[P.F.Change]

Blim,

It is ok to decide you are not for yelling at and hang up when someone yells at you. You can always talk again when they have calmed themselves down.

You cannot control whether your mother does or does not kill herself. It is not fair for her to make you feel responsible for her wanting to do that or not. If she is suicidal, she needs professional attention. You can give her a number or call a local hotline to get help for her.

Are you still using the tools such as SET when you talk with your mother? Are you able to ask for time and space to look after yourself (even if it is just a day)?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[vortex of confusion]

Do we have the same mother? I talk to my mom almost every day and there are times when she wants to do nothing but rant and rave about people that she is upset with at any given time. Some things that I have done:

-If she starts yelling and does not listen when I ask her to stop talking about something, I will simply hang up on her. I don't remember how long ago I started doing that. It was rough at first because she would just keep calling me back. At some point, I worked up the courage to answer the phone and tell her, "I hung up on you because I didn't want to listen to what you were saying."

-Right now, she is fixated on hating my brother and going on about how horrible he is. The first time she told me, I tried to validate what she said. When she brings it up now, I tell her, "Mom, stop. You have already told me about this."

-My mother has also rambled on about being suicidal. She does it to get sympathy and attention. I don't give it to her. I try to listen but stay detached. It isn't easy. I have silly things that I will repeat in my head so that I am letting some stuff go in one ear and right out the other. There is a song called "The song that doesn't end" that I will sing to myself in my head when my mom starts her crap.

If I thought my mom would actually commit suicide, I would call the police. How do you think your mother might respond if she threatened to kill herself and you responded with, "I am sorry you feel that way. Should I call the police and have them come check on you?" (Where I am, you can call them and express concern if somebody is saying stuff like that and the police will come out and do a welfare check to assess whether or not the person needs help.)

If your mother actually does hurt herself, it is NOT your fault. If she wants to do it, she is going to do it no matter what you do or don't do. It has taken me a long time to set boundaries with my mother. She still talks to me all the time but she has pretty much abandoned my kids. She gives all of her attention to my niece who listens to her and kisses her butt. Are you afraid that if you set boundaries that you will lose the relationship that you have? I know that was a big fear for me. I was afraid that I would lose her love if I didn't put up with her crap.