Sometimes I wonder if I will survive all this

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm having a really hard time coping with the chaos my now ex has put me in (and the kids).

Since his paranoia and sudden leave for his family in July, my life has just been going from bad to worse. He demanded to see his then 6 month baby with the presence of a member of his family  

I was so stunned that I did it a couple of times... .he came back to me 3 times, telling me how much he loved me etc, only to go back to his parents/sister right afterwards.

Since September, not only he abandonned us (I have also a D10), leaving me to pay for most things while he stayed at his parents but he's been treating me more and more like an ennemy. We tried MC that turned out to be the occasion to destroy me on a deeper level (saying I'd forced him in everything, even baby). It was that therapist (not a doctor though) who told me "he was more than BPD, likely Schizophrenic" (!)

He's been consistently playing the victim, telling his parents I was HARRASSING HIM  

Those horrible and stupid people believed him.

He wrote letters to the Benefits and send the notice to the landlord.

I ended up with no money, as I'd stopped working to take care of our baby.

Now I survive with next to no money and wondering how long I'll be able to keep a roof on my head.

He's constantly trying to have the upper hand, scares my D10 and me. Came unexpectedly to take baby away, the police had to come.

I saw a lawyer, she's writing proposals, it will take months to go to court.

His dad found him an appartment (he works but apart from that doesn't do anything for himself - very schizophrenic too), he's been in there for 1 week. But I'm not allowed to even see it "because his therapist advised him not to bring conflict in here."

Yeah right. How about my haven of peace? He considers himself "at home still" because his name's on the lease... .

A friend is soon going to change my lock (my lawyer said I'm allowed to do this since BPDX has his own address now), as I'm scared he and his dad are going to come and take things away while I'm not at home. His parents and his sisters came uninvited the last two week-ends to annoy me, to tell me "he's not crazy" and put me down.

My life is miserable, it's a constant struggle on all levels. I have a few close friends, thank God they're here, because I have nearly no contact with my parents. They live 1000km away, and I stopped telling them about my life for I'm not feeling understood at all. They kept making me feel guilty because "I had a baby too soon". I know that, thanks folks. Indeed, I got pregnant 6 months into the r/s, but we knew each other before... .or so I thought. We'd met as kids, and then years later as friends when we were both into other r/s.

I'm confused and lost. I go from anger, or rather a huge feeling of injustice, to nostalgia or sadness.

But mainly I feel shocked. I'm in a stupor. I can't accept the reality, for all this doesn't make any sense. I don't accept that he lives now in another appartment 10min drive from here, that my 10 mth son is spending a full day there since last week-end, that our dreams (mine?) and family is in shatters, that I've been fooled into this.

I thought his father calm and generous, when I see today he has no heart. My landlord told me last week the father sent him a letter to say "he's not a guarantee anymore". It's not even legal, but what the heck?

What do they want? That I end up on the street, with my kids?

I see no way out of this, and I hardly find moments of happiness. I do try to enjoy the presence of my kids of course, but BPDx is always on my mind, the shock is too hard.

I went to see a psychologist last week but all he said was "you need to turn the page", just like everyone else.

Ok, thanks, easier said than done.

And how do we do this? Is there a magical formula, a recipe?

I've been betrayed the worst of ways and turned into a monster by him and his family.

I have to survive, for the kids. But the things I have to cope with are just too much for one person to handle.

Being alone suddenly with 2 kids with no money (benefits stopped giving money, I had to explain and prove things, and things are not back on track yet), look for a job, a house, deal with the lawyer, with ex's demands, deal with his crap and his family's crap (landlord, lock... .).

10 days ago, after he pushed me for me not to run away with my car, my car key broke and it cost me 250 euros/bucks and no car for 8 days. Just then baby needed to go to hospital... .he then was fine but crying all night for a full week... .my D10 and I got stomach flu for 3 days, it was really hard to look after two sick kids on my own, while being sick myself.

All this is just too much, I'm scared at some stage I'm gonna collapse.  :'(

Thanks for reading, sorry for the raving, just needed to vent a bit.

[Indyan]

I'm having a really hard time coping with the chaos my now ex has put me in (and the kids).

Since his paranoia and sudden leave for his family in July, my life has just been going from bad to worse. He demanded to see his then 6 month baby with the presence of a member of his family  

I was so stunned that I did it a couple of times... .he came back to me 3 times, telling me how much he loved me etc, only to go back to his parents/sister right afterwards.

Since September, not only he abandonned us (I have also a D10), leaving me to pay for most things while he stayed at his parents but he's been treating me more and more like an ennemy. We tried MC that turned out to be the occasion to destroy me on a deeper level (saying I'd forced him in everything, even baby). It was that therapist (not a doctor though) who told me "he was more than BPD, likely Schizophrenic" (!)

He's been consistently playing the victim, telling his parents I was HARRASSING HIM  

Those horrible and stupid people believed him.

He wrote letters to the Benefits and send the notice to the landlord.

I ended up with no money, as I'd stopped working to take care of our baby.

Now I survive with next to no money and wondering how long I'll be able to keep a roof on my head.

He's constantly trying to have the upper hand, scares my D10 and me. Came unexpectedly to take baby away, the police had to come.

I saw a lawyer, she's writing proposals, it will take months to go to court.

His dad found him an appartment (he works but apart from that doesn't do anything for himself - very schizophrenic too), he's been in there for 1 week. But I'm not allowed to even see it "because his therapist advised him not to bring conflict in here."

Yeah right. How about my haven of peace? He considers himself "at home still" because his name's on the lease... .

A friend is soon going to change my lock (my lawyer said I'm allowed to do this since BPDX has his own address now), as I'm scared he and his dad are going to come and take things away while I'm not at home. His parents and his sisters came uninvited the last two week-ends to annoy me, to tell me "he's not crazy" and put me down.

My life is miserable, it's a constant struggle on all levels. I have a few close friends, thank God they're here, because I have nearly no contact with my parents. They live 1000km away, and I stopped telling them about my life for I'm not feeling understood at all. They kept making me feel guilty because "I had a baby too soon". I know that, thanks folks. Indeed, I got pregnant 6 months into the r/s, but we knew each other before... .or so I thought. We'd met as kids, and then years later as friends when we were both into other r/s.

I'm confused and lost. I go from anger, or rather a huge feeling of injustice, to nostalgia or sadness.

But mainly I feel shocked. I'm in a stupor. I can't accept the reality, for all this doesn't make any sense. I don't accept that he lives now in another appartment 10min drive from here, that my 10 mth son is spending a full day there since last week-end, that our dreams (mine?) and family is in shatters, that I've been fooled into this.

I thought his father calm and generous, when I see today he has no heart. My landlord told me last week the father sent him a letter to say "he's not a guarantee anymore". It's not even legal, but what the heck?

What do they want? That I end up on the street, with my kids?

I see no way out of this, and I hardly find moments of happiness. I do try to enjoy the presence of my kids of course, but BPDx is always on my mind, the shock is too hard.

I went to see a psychologist last week but all he said was "you need to turn the page", just like everyone else.

Ok, thanks, easier said than done.

And how do we do this? Is there a magical formula, a recipe?

I've been betrayed the worst of ways and turned into a monster by him and his family.

I have to survive, for the kids. But the things I have to cope with are just too much for one person to handle.

Being alone suddenly with 2 kids with no money (benefits stopped giving money, I had to explain and prove things, and things are not back on track yet), look for a job, a house, deal with the lawyer, with ex's demands, deal with his crap and his family's crap (landlord, lock... .).

10 days ago, after he pushed me for me not to run away with my car, my car key broke and it cost me 250 euros/bucks and no car for 8 days. Just then baby needed to go to hospital... .he then was fine but crying all night for a full week... .my D10 and I got stomach flu for 3 days, it was really hard to look after two sick kids on my own, while being sick myself.

All this is just too much, I'm scared at some stage I'm gonna collapse.  :'(

Thanks for reading, sorry for the raving, just needed to vent a bit.

[Indyan]

I forgot to say that EVERYDAY he sends a message asking "how are you guys?" or "Is baby fine?"



Looks like he wants his cake and eat it.

Now that he's nice and quiet in his own appartment, he wants to feel part of the family life... .from afar.

[Mutt]

Indyan,

Being abandoned with D10,  a baby son and your taking care of everything. He's blasting you from his ( parents? ) playing victim. He's being waifish and distorting reality to absolve his actions to ketq go of his shame and guilt. No money and trying to make ends meet for 3 is tough. I'm sorry.

You had a long history with your ex and were friends. Perhaps you didn't see the Mr Hyde ro his Dr Jekyll in the context with BPD. The disorder is triggers by intimacy.

I'm sorry to hear your parents are invalidating when you could use support when your really going through hardship. I'm happy you are here to vent feelings with people that understand the disorder and the collateral damage black and white thinking has on people - and families.  

Single parent with 2 kids, a baby ( it takes awhile to physically get over having child? ) , no money, looking for work, car broke ( pay to get fixed ), L , smear campaign and exe's denigration, lack of sympathy or empathy for his family, baby's sick and needed hospital and an invalidating P?

Have I got that right?

Indyan this is hard stuff. I'm sorry for all of the things you have gone through  Sometimes things get to such a difficult place that there's no way but up from there.

Please use these boards to vent these experiences and to get validation and virtual   and support.

When I say hang in there I also mean it's going to get better. This may be the very lowest point. You can move away from all of this and ex and his dad ( apple doesn't fall far from the tree ) will still be whom they are today.

Sending you a lot of these to you and your family  


Hang in there.


--Mutt

[Rise]

Indyan, you certainly have every right to feel overwhelmed by this. You're going through a ton of stuff all at once. I'm sorry that this happening. But no matter how much it feels like it, you can make it through this. I know it's not going to be easy, but sometimes we don't know how strong we are until we have to be. You can do this. And don't ever worry about venting. That's why we are here.

[Pou]

Indyan, looks pretty mess up.  First thing I would do is to consult your attorney and your counselor… it is obvious to me that you will need to take a restraining order against his entire family and have them not come close to you.  If they do, they ought to be arrested.  Secondly, coming from first hand experience, my mother in law who I have one suspected the instigator ... and maybe the trigger of my wife's NPDw behavior.  She supports my wife's bad behaviors, her paranoia and encourage divisiveness… and it is a vicious cycle. So DO NOT TRUST ANYONE FROM YOUR EX.  NO ONE THERE IS ANY GOOD.  YOU NEED HAVE THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE ASAP.  Your focus now is dealing with your ex legally and financially.  Now, you need to establish your ground and start to tabulate your financial losses because your gave up your job/career to raise kids and those are $$$ too.  They want to put you down for taking time to take care home, don't buy into that in a nano second.  Your assets together and everything he earned from now on at least half will be yours until your kids are independent.  Also if they try to take your child away to show that you are not the primary care taker, you ought to fight hard back and start the legal process as you have with your attorney.  If you feel like you have been psychologically abused, you ought to consult the professional and document that properly.  Some people don't understand that psychological abuse is worse than physical at times, because they are invisible and they can last a life time.  But only do it because it is real… I highly discourage anyone from making false allegations and reports.  If you love your kids, you ought to stick to the truth and act accordingly, good or bad.  If you act truthfully, whatever consequence comes out of it is inevitable.  You can not blame yourself or anyone for how a truth would unfold.  Be strong for yourself and for your kids.  Tell your story, go over your head, think clearly… talk to your advisors and friends, assess the damage that they have done on you.  :)O NOT SHORT CHANGE YOURSELF.  Be firm and be strong as you already have coming this far.  I know sometimes, it is like What the heck?  My NPDw does lots of strange and unpredictable things, she turns our lives upside down without any remorse and see things only her way, no other way.  She then project her negative actions on me as if I committed all of them.  She tries to gaslight in front of my kids, I stood my ground and my 7th year old had to rebuttal her crazy attacks.  Sad, isn't it?  I weep inside and wonder why my 7th year old has to witness this type of craziness from her own mother.  I have a theory why she acts the way she does, but it is irrelevant.  Because when the other person stop caring for you, broke the marriage contract by every measure, we the NONs should start to take the cue and shift our mind set.  I think that is very hard to do, because we are rational, and with all the time, effort, and love invested, we want to build something meaningful.  However, when we recognize the other person has PDs, you ought to realize that you are not dealing with a "normal" person, let alone the entire family of PDs.  This is just my thoughts and I hep your advisors will give you soundly advice as how to approach this.  But stand your ground, be firm, do not be devalued, and fightback with truth.  Best luck to you.

[Indyan]

Thanks to all for your support  

my mother in law who I have one suspected the instigator ... and maybe the trigger of my wife's NPDw behavior.  She supports my wife's bad behaviors, her paranoia and encourage divisiveness… and it is a vicious cycle. So DO NOT TRUST ANYONE FROM YOUR EX.  NO ONE THERE IS ANY GOOD.  YOU NEED HAVE THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE ASAP.  

I've come to the same conclusions.

He controls his dad (telling him rubbish) but his dad makes him do things he wouldn't do (write letters to the landlord and benefits). It's only when his dad sent the letter "to not guarantee" the rent anymore that I realized that. He's a paperwork freak, but BPDx is incapable of dealing with papers (I used to do it all, even his tax).

When his sisters showed up last week saying "we want to discuss things for your own good", I believed none of that crap. For starters, one decided that "our r/s was all over" right after BPD cracked up last July, and the other told him about Schizophrenia when I had trusted her with that "pre diagnosis" - poor man, I felt sorry for him though when they shamelessly discussed his mental health as if he wasn't in the room.

The whole family is sick in fact. The mother is BPD/Bipolar, she used to beat up the kids and threaten suicide all the time. The father used to come back from work as late as possible to not see all this. He's been on tranquilizers for 30 yrs. The big sister has had a terrible divorce (she said ex was violent, but I suspect she might be BPD too), her older son is agressive and has been to jail, her daughter is anorexic, her other son is ok. The little sister is a control freak, I suspect she's a Narcissist. She feels powerful to have such influence on her brother's life, on my life. I hate this woman. She even told me when they came that "the family had rights on baby". What the heck?

Your focus now is dealing with your ex legally and financially.  

If you feel like you have been psychologically abused, you ought to consult the professional and document that properly.

You can not blame yourself or anyone for how a truth would unfold.  Be strong for yourself and for your kids.  Tell your story, go over your head, think clearly… talk to your advisors and friends, assess the damage that they have done on you.  

I'm trying.

I'm gathering evidence to go and file a complaint for abuse, I've told my L about this. But it's hard, I kept hoping all along that BPD/SZ would get treatment and calm down, get out of his paranoia. The complaint will only make things worse.

I think that is very hard to do, because we are rational, and with all the time, effort, and love invested, we want to build something meaningful.  However, when we recognize the other person has PDs, you ought to realize that you are not dealing with a "normal" person, let alone the entire family of PDs.  This is just my thoughts and I hep your advisors will give you soundly advice as how to approach this.  But stand your ground, be firm, do not be devalued, and fightback with truth.  Best luck to you.

Thanks a lot

Best luck to all of you guys too  

[Moselle]

Indyan. I hadn't read any of posts for a while. It seems like your burdens have gotten bigger.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. No-one should have to.

I know it's hard to see or feel, but it's developing strength in you.  There is help and happiness still to come.  Even when all seems lost there is hope.  And when you forget, that's why we're here

You're not alone. I can also empathise with the anguish of dealing with crazy parents in law who are obstacles to health, and siblings who do more harm than good. It hurts in a serious way. And the feeling of loneliness through it is real.

Remember,  it will get better. It really will.

 

PS my wife hacked my account so I has to change my name and profile details, but I'm sure you remember who i am :-) Hint my old name was a French River ;-)

[Tiepje3]

Hi Indyan, I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I know it's hard, especially the feeling lonely and being the only 'sane' one and trying to be there for your kids and having to deal with all the ___ that comes with the b/u (financially, emotionally, physically). Just remember that you are a strong woman, because you have made it this far.

I'm a little bit further down the road, have been in your position though, but staying focussed on me, NC! and reading everything I could lay my eyes which helped me a bit. What also helped me was listening to YouTube videos of a Buddhist monk called Ajahn Brahm. You don't have to 'believe' in anything but he has a humorist approach to overcome problems. He simplifies life a bit. He helped me deal with my emotions and despair.

What also helped me was venting here and getting support and knowing that I wasn't the only one. Things will work out, but it involves a lot of energy from you. Make sure that that energy is FROM you TO you. Do not waste your energy on people and things that do not have the same priority as you do. You are important, you are strong, you will overcome this! I'm sending a lot of good energy to you right now.