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Author Topic: In the Middle  (Read 658 times)
Change2014
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« on: December 18, 2014, 03:37:15 PM »

I am so tired of feeling in the middle and helpless when it comes to my uBPDm and my father who has NPD traits.  Money has been a source of disagreement between them ever since I was a kid and I am tired of hearing them blame each other.  My uBPD mom has serious spending issues and fails to take responsibility.  My dad with NPD traits will not take the time to address issues with my mom .  Although he says he is going to now.  Famous last words.  I am so tired of hearing two grown adults go over the same ridiculous thing.  It is so simple to me, it is like look at the accounts and track the spending and both of you take responsibility.  It makes me really nervous because I fear for the future for them, and I fear for how it will affect me.  My parents are not by any means destitute but they live lavishly and have a lot of entitlement issues.  I don't see any indication of them downsizing in the near future and they are in their mid-60's.  I hate feeling helpless about this and I am upset at my mom calling me to dramatically tell me that she cannot do anything for us for Christmas while crying.  I don't want anything for Christmas, so she doesn't need to worry.  But I asked her what was wrong and then she acts like the sky is falling and blames everything on my dad.  I told her that they both need to take responsibility.  I am tired of them involving me.  They never involve my uBPD sister.  I know I need to disengage from their problems.  I know I need to take ownership.  It is just so hard because I want to make everything right.  Ugh. 
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2014, 05:52:39 PM »

Hi Change.  I can hear that you want to fix things for them (and for you too) and that is so understandable especially when their actions can potentially have a big impact on your own future *and* when the solution is so obvious!

Excerpt
I told her that they both need to take responsibility.

Well done!  What was her response?  How would you feel about telling your mother that she can no longer call you with financial or other personal issues that put you in the middle of them? 

In the meantime, maybe find out what your responsibility would be as an adult child to take care of your parents should they lose their money?  It was only recently that I learned (on this board) that some states have laws that require adult children to help/support the parent in some way.  Rather than worry, find out if your state is one that requires you to be involved so you are prepared.  Knowing can hopefully help you to feel a bit less anxiety. 

Hang in there.  You can dis-engage and have already started the process.  I think the hardest part will be to further tame your natural inclination to reach out and help them fix the situation.  You already know you need to do that for your own peace of mind.   
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Change2014
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« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2014, 12:21:07 PM »

Thanks for your response Harri.  When I told her it was her responsibility as well, she actually stopped venting and took it well in that she didn't bit my head off.  She said she wasn't looking for me to fix her problems.  You  are so right, the hardest part is trying to stop my natural inclination to fix everything.  I have to remind myself that we are talking about grown adults.  I did do some research on the laws in my state and my state does have laws that require adult children to help, but not that stringent and apparently not that readily enforced.  I am not really worried about legal implications as I am about emotional.  I am very concerned about the possibility of my dad passing before my mother and my mother blowing through money and having no idea how to manage her finances, responsibilities, healthcare, etc.  My parents have yet to do any kind of will/trust and they are in their 60's.  To make matters worse my sister is uBPD I believe and we have a very poor relationship.  I just see a perfect storm brewing and I don't want to waste years anticipating it.  I know I need to talk to my father again about retirement planning and getting a will/trust.  My father seems the most rational and has moments of clarity. 
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P.F.Change
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« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2014, 04:56:38 PM »

I am so tired of hearing two grown adults go over the same ridiculous thing... .I know I need to disengage from their problems.  I know I need to take ownership.  It is just so hard because I want to make everything right.  Ugh. 

Hi, Change,

We can't make other people stop talking about something, but we can choose to stop listening. I think Harri had some good questions for you. What would it be like to decide you're no longer going to listen to your parents complain about each other?

It sounds like you did a good job asserting your point of view and your mother seems to have taken it well. I can understand your concerns about your parents' financial situation, as I have some of the same concerns about my parents as well. It is up to them to manage their own lives and make their own financial decisions (even if I think they are unwise); it is not my job to try and make them change. I am also prepared to allow them to experience the consequences of their decisions even if they are uncomfortable later. I think it is good you are willing to ask your parents what their plans are in regards to their wills and retirement. Communicating about these things is supposed to be helpful.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Wishing you peace,

PF
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“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”--Lao Tzu
clljhns
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« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2014, 07:55:50 PM »

Hi Change2014,

I just responded to another post of yours, and then saw this one.

This sounds like the same relationship my parents have. My mom is a shop-a-holic, and my dad is uNPD, so he just wants everything to appear as if it is okay and he is doing well financially. My mom also used to call me and complain about my dad. I finally cut her off and told her that she needed to talk to him, not me. My mom used to buy things on-line and from the TV and have them shipped to my home or my sister's home, so that our dad wouldn't find out. We kids had been unwilling participants in her deception when we lived at home, and I was shocked that she thought she could include me in her deception after I was on my own. My parents had no ability to reason things through rationally. They would buy cars that needed a lot of work, for more money than they were worth, and then spend even more money to repair them, only for that not to happen.

I think Harri and P.F. Change asked some great questions. What do you think would happen if you let go of this burden?

Wishing peace and blessings.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Change2014
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« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2014, 09:39:51 PM »

Hi clijhns, I guess that is what my Dad is doing too... .wanting to appear as if everything is okay and then the problem just compounds.  Don't even get me started on my parents and cars.  My Dad bought two luxury cars in a matter of a few months. 

What do I think would happen if I let go of this burden?  Ugh... .I guess nothing would really change, because my involvement is not really changing anything anyway.  I think it would be freeing though.  In all fairness, I have to stop asking my parents, "how is mom?  how is dad?" when I speak to the other.  I seem to always want to get a barometer read on what is going on.  I think I have to commit to stopping that habit.  And if they bring up the other one, I need to stop the conversation as you said.  There is this part of me that just wants to know what is going on, and maybe perhaps likes feeling needed or a confidant.  Obviously it is unhealthy.  So, I guess I found myself a New Year's resolution.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thank you for helping me figure this out. 
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P.F.Change
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« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2014, 12:15:14 PM »

I guess nothing would really change, because my involvement is not really changing anything anyway.  I think it would be freeing though.

This is an interesting response. I have a feeling most of us were wondering how things might be different for you if you decided to stop listening to your parents' problems. Your immediate focus is on whether things would be different for them. Your observation is still very valuable, though--you see you do not have the power to change them or fix their problems. And you see that it might feel very liberating to let go of trying to control things you do not have the power to change. I think your new year's resolution sounds like it might be a really positive thing to try.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I also think it is insightful that you may have your sense of value and identity tied up in what you do for your parents. I hope you will continue exploring ways to see that you are worthwhile for who you are, not for how you perform. Would you be willing to try focusing on taking care of your own feelings first? 
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“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”--Lao Tzu
clljhns
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« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2014, 06:46:55 AM »

Hi Change2014,

Excerpt
I seem to always want to get a barometer read on what is going on.  I think I have to commit to stopping that habit.  And if they bring up the other one, I need to stop the conversation as you said. There is this part of me that just wants to know what is going on, and maybe perhaps likes feeling needed or a confidant.  Obviously it is unhealthy.  So, I guess I found myself a New Year's resolution.

Kudos to you for realizing how you participate in the dance with mom and dad!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I can tell you that as a child it was very important to know the current mood of my parents, for survival reasons. This of course, carried over into adulthood. Part of it was just the dynamics of my crazy family, and part of it was the fear of the unknown. Not knowing what mood my mom or dad would be in was frightening. When I finally realized how unhealthy it was to listen to my mom go on and on about my dad, I finally told her I didn't want to hear it anymore. I reminded her that he was still my dad and while she may be angry with him, I wasn't and I was not her best friend. Relationships in families like this get so convoluted that no one has a clear picture of what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. I didn't want to be my mom's confidant when it came to her relationship with my dad, and I made that very clear. My mom didn't have any close friendships or close relationships with any of her siblings, so rather than cultivate these relationships, she relied on me and my sister. I do miss my conversations with my mom about what is going on in my life, her plans, my daughter, and just life in general. However, I have cultivated several close friendships, and have one best friend who knows everything there is to know about me.

How do you plan to change being a confidant and just being a daughter? Actually, what does a healthy relationship between a child and parents look like?

Looking forward to hearing from you and may you have a blessed and Happy New Year!   


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