He returned me all my stuff & gifts

[peace_seeker]

So I came home and found that he has left all my stuff outside my door. It has been 2 months since we broke up, and besides some nasty emails he sent me (see topic Ex BPD calls me selfish and trigger self doubt), this is probably the last that ever hear from him.

I actually told him to throw away all my stuff cos it's too painful for me to take any of the stuff back. But it seems like he's intentionally trying to hurt me by returning EVERYTHING to me. Seems like he did a massive clean up of his space to get rid of even the slightest thing that could remind him of me. He even returned me photo collage that i gave him, except that now the collage is now all cut up. A very obvious effort to hurt me by showing me how much he hates me now.

I'm v tempted to use fren's Fb aact to check out his fb (since he has already blocked me) to see if he has also cleared all traces of our photos. But I know that's not a smart move and i will only hurt myself further.

I don't know why he must make life so hard for me. He is the one who wanted out, which is already hurtful enough. And now he still wants to hurt me further by showing me how much he hates me. Why is he still trying to destroy me further if he already don't want me?

I know he will nv come back to me. And i know i am forever painted black in his life. It hurts to think that I'll nv ever get to talk to him ever again, and he's nothing more than a memory now... .it hurts so much that it scares me. I wish I will have the courage and strength to carry on.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Peace_Seeker,

I am sorry that you are hurting.   

It was very childish of him to destroy the collage you made.  Think of it this way, a pwBPD is like a child trapped in an adult's body. 

I agree with you, checking out his FB would only exacerbate your hurt. 

You do have strength and courage and you show that by sharing your story.

I understand how you could feel that he is making things for more difficult for you.  The only way to get past that is to stop letting him make it more difficult.  I know it is easier said than done.  The best way to do that is start focusing on you.  I started by doing things that I was not able to do when he was around. 

[peace_seeker]

Thanks EaglesJuju.

I spent the whole night wondering why he would wants to return me all the cut up photo. why would he do that? Is he trying to show me that he really hates me that much and asking me to back off, or is he trying to get a response out of me? I dont know, but i do know that i need to look at the reality of what's happening instead of trying to read his BPD mind.

I think the problem with me is that ever since learning that he might be suffering from BPD, i kept attributing his hurtful behavior to the illness, and while believing that the 'real' him is the 'good' him.  And when hurtful actions like this happen, I'll try very hard to attribute it to the illness, and not to him. But I've come to realize that this is totally not helping me to recover. I am only using his illness as his excuse now. I need to realize that if the actions really do stem out of this illness, then there is no reason for me to stay. And IF he does not BPD and he's still acting this way, then there is also no reason for me to stay either. I know all these in my rational mind. But it seems like i still haven't fully accept it.

i dont know if i am making any sense to any of you here... .but i'm just really feeling so confused right now.

[boatman]

Hi Peace seeker-

I'm sorry your ex did this incredibly hurtful thing. I know if my ex did that to me, I'd feel devastated. 

I need to realize that if the actions really do stem out of this illness, then there is no reason for me to stay. And IF he does not BPD and he's still acting this way, then there is also no reason for me to stay either.

Reading this was a  moment for me. I can relate to you here because even though I felt HORRIBLE after some my ex's behavior, I ignored my feelings and intellectually explained away her behavior because of BPD. Regardless of the reason for their behavior, it still is NOT justified. Thank you so much for posting. 

[NonAverageJoe]

I wish she would return my things!

[EaglesJuju]

I spent the whole night wondering why he would wants to return me all the cut up photo. why would he do that? Is he trying to show me that he really hates me that much and asking me to back off, or is he trying to get a response out of me? I dont know, but i do know that i need to look at the reality of what's happening instead of trying to read his BPD mind.

I agree trying to analyze his behavior or intentions will drive you bananas. PwBPD's behavior is so erratic.  The reality is essentially that you are coping with a disordered person's behavior.  

I think the problem with me is that ever since learning that he might be suffering from BPD, i kept attributing his hurtful behavior to the illness, and while believing that the 'real' him is the 'good' him.  And when hurtful actions like this happen, I'll try very hard to attribute it to the illness, and not to him. But I've come to realize that this is totally not helping me to recover. I am only using his illness as his excuse now. I need to realize that if the actions really do stem out of this illness, then there is no reason for me to stay. And IF he does not BPD and he's still acting this way, then there is also no reason for me to stay either. I know all these in my rational mind. But it seems like i still haven't fully accept it.

I had a problem with the "good" and "bad" side of my bf.  I learned that both sides are him. I have a good and a bad side as well.  The "bad" side of my bf is more extreme because, he has maladaptive behaviors.  There are grey areas with non disordered people and I believe that there are grey areas with pwBPD.  

The hardest part for me during my healing process, was actually learning and accepting his behavior really had nothing to do with me.  I constantly blamed myself for his behavior, even though I rationally knew that I was not the cause of it.  It seemed that my emotions and rationality were constantly conflicted.  Usually my emotions eclipsed my rational thoughts.   This really helped me balance my rational thoughts and emotions.  TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right side?

[ogopogodude]

I could  never understand the intentional destruction of property by a person. And I really cannot understand the destruction of something that has value especially emotional value & all.  I realize that this is just to elicit a response... .

But this is simply childish.  Like a grade two'er wrecking something (like a sand castle made by a friend) just to see what happens.  But that is what BPD is all about.  The emotional areas of the brain of BPD's are not at all like us nons.  I remember reading a paper/article on the emotional centres being underdeveloped/not evolved or something to that effect.

We all have to keep reminding ourselves that our loved ones that have BPD did not ask for this affliction. They were just dealt a bad hand by the dealer of life.   We just have to be understanding, ... .  and grow a thicker skin,  I suppose, unfortunately.

[peace_seeker]

Reading this was a  moment for me. I can relate to you here because even though I felt HORRIBLE after some my ex's behavior, I ignored my feelings and intellectually explained away her behavior because of BPD. Regardless of the reason for their behavior, it still is NOT justified. Thank you so much for posting. 

Hi boatman,

Thanks for this and I'm glad that my words help!

The hardest part for me during my healing process, was actually learning and accepting his behavior really had nothing to do with me.  I constantly blamed myself for his behavior, even though I rationally knew that I was not the cause of it.  It seemed that my emotions and rationality were constantly conflicted.  Usually my emotions eclipsed my rational thoughts.   This really helped me balance my rational thoughts and emotions.  TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right side?

Hi EaglesJuju,

I'll definitely take a closer look at the article. Really need help to let the rational side take over the emotional side... .which is definitely the hardest to do  :'(

We all have to keep reminding ourselves that our loved ones that have BPD did not ask for this affliction. They were just dealt a bad hand by the dealer of life.   We just have to be understanding, ... .  and grow a thicker skin,  I suppose, unfortunately.

Hi ogopogodude,  this is precisely why I kept feeling sorry for him and finds it extremely hard to even get angry at him. But I have come to realize that this extreme empathy for him isn't helping my recovery, especially when he's the one who's bent on leaving. If anyone is still in a r/s with a BPD, then I'll fully agree that the partners of the BPD should shower more patient, care and understanding if they want to work the r/s out... but i think for most of us here, who are discarded by a BPD, this empathy towards them might just get us stuck and prevents recovery from a man/women who is already long gone... .

[SlyQQ]

when some one with BPD breaks up with you they often treat you as you broke up with them this is partly because you probably inadvertently through some comment triggered there abandoment fears and sent them scurrying for saftey then the projection of how they would feel if you treated them that way comes into play and things can get really nasty an leave you scratching your head hope this makes sense 

[SlyQQ]

Bottom line all the blame guilt and angst for the relationship failing gets loaded on you so they can walk away clean

[peace_seeker]

Bottom line all the blame guilt and angst for the relationship

failing gets loaded on you so they can walk away clean

Hi SlyQQ,

I definitely agree on this. But what I do not understand is this - if that's their mentality, to walk away because the other party is so awful, then why do they recycle?

not that my pwBPD is back, but i just see no logic in their thinking.   

[SlyQQ]

Part of the washing cycle is scince they have no fault you will be glad to take them back this in fact verifies you were completetly at fault ( not them ) in the irst place there is a lot more to this though will post more if you like

[SlyQQ]

It also puts them in a posistion of power and to some extents alleviates there abandoment issues plus there is the available backup issue punishment issues and a whole lot of other stuff they are logical they just operate from a flawed base and there deductions hence are also flawed 

[Mutt]

Just a reminder about the format and guidelines for discussion, including quality of points to advance in writing and not restating positions repeatedly.

3.0 DISCUSSION FORMAT:bpdfamily/bpdfamily.com is set up as a collegium. We follow a Collegial Discussion format which is characterized as having "authority" vested equally among colleagues/peers. As such, members present their ideas in "collegial harmony" and the credibility of their positions are based solely on the quality of the points they advance in writing. Diversity is to be embraced - there is often much to be learned from others views and perspectives.

Please note that collegial discussion is different than debate. Debate is an argument or a discussion generally ending with a vote or agreement on the best decision. In debate, unity is the objective. Members are discouraged from debating and arguing against others' positions, questioning the wisdom of others, or restating of their position repeatedly.