I may be finished trying

[wakingfirst]

I may need to change which board I post in soon.

The silence from my ex with BPD continues.  In our last online conversation he said, "We're fine!" and I said "I'm not.  And I'm half of we."  

No answer.

I could tell you tons about his recent life, but if you asked him to name one important thing that has happened to me since September, I don't think he could do it.  

This morning I woke up thinking, he doesn't really love me.  He loves the reflection of himself that he sees in my eyes.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I'm sorry   That's a tough realization to come to.  I think eventually we all get to that place.  I have an ex who is likely BPD or NPD, and I remember the day when I came to that realization.  After we "broke up" she claimed she always wanted me in her life and wanted to be friends.  So I played that game.  After a few months it was obvious that she really didn't care - it was all about her.  I told her how I felt, she raged, and that was the end of that.

[patientandclear]

Waking, hi. I identify a lot with your story. I too tried to be emotionally intimate friends with my exbfwBPD. It was so great, important, sweet, tender, special ... .Till he found someone else. I ended it a year ago (well, I didn't end it, I set a boundary about not sharing intimately if he was going to put someone else in my place, and he really didn't like that and told me to have a nice life. Which I am trying to do! Despite the deep wounds I have from everything that happened with him). The reason I stepped away is what you said: I realized he doesn't love me exactly, he loves how I make him feel. For the first time since our post r/s friendship began, I felt really used. We had a lovely thing and he just didn't protect it or treat it like that.

A few months after he blew up and went silent, he got back in touch with a medium sized gesture of caring (it was ostensibly for my birthday, though very late.) I wanted to think it meant he realized our value. But a quick perusal of social media revealed he had brutally ended things with the woman he'd taken up with when I started to feel used.

I became intensely angry and almost nauseated. I just couldn't do that with him. I couldn't participate in the string of carnage anymore, and also, I couldn't be the person he always comes back to when he gets finished checking to see if he can find someone better. As you said it resonated with other earlier hurt from being set aside for someone else after so much good faith and effort and genuine love on my part. I would have gone so far for and with this man. I would deal with weirdness and disappearances and discomfort. But not to be used in a way that apparently is interchangeable. I just found I couldn't do it anymore.

[Crumbling]

I declared to my BPDh the other week that I was degrading our relationship down to that of roommates. That I thought we could make good roommates for each other, but that it was too painful for me to be his wife anymore.  That I'd had enough of living that roll, and although I wasn't in a place where I was willing to move out, I needed this space for me.

He looked at me as if I'd lost my last marble.  He has respected the no sex clause too, but just walks away confused after he's attempted and I haven't taken the bait.

I don't know how long it will last, I don't know if it was the right thing, and I don't care.  It was a knee-jerk reaction, executed after a lot of thought.  So far, so good.  Life has been better and I've gotten some space to breath and think about me.

Thanks for sharing your stories, and inspiring me to share mine.

[Grey Kitty]

Crumbling, I think that is a great move for you.

You've obviously given too much and need some time to recover so you can decide what you want to do next.

As Cat Familiar and I were commenting on another thread... .you won't get any leadership from him, or if you do, it won't be in a good direction.

Give yourself some time and space to heal and recover.

  GK

[Crumbling]

Thanks, GK.