Double Whammy Coming Up (Maybe a Bit of a Rant...)

[ophnoh]

So not only is it mother's day this weekend, but it's my mwBPD's birthday a few days prior.

I haven't spoken to my mother in over a month. the last conversation I had with her... .she gaslighted me (completely denied all incidents of abuse) and told me that I was "difficult to love", among many other things. I was hurt very much by what she said and yet I sort of convinced myself she was right (it's weird, my perspectives on who I am as a person vs how my mother sees me changes regularly) and I feel guilty for not contacting her. It's partially because my siblings are very vulnerable to her (one is still a child, the other has autism) and thus they not only cater to her every whim, but take her side in everything. So by breaking off contact with her I've also lost contact with my siblings which hurts like nothing else. The last time I went NC with my mother it hurt quite a bit to not have any kind of relationship with my siblings. Yet, as cruel as this sounds, it hurts just as much to talk with them because one is so brainwashed by my mother that he hardly seems to be capable of making his own opinion... .and the other is valued and treated in a respect I never received growing up.

Part of me feels I should contact her due to my siblings... .but then I realize I can't win for losing. If I call her she will hurt me somehow (either by being extremely cold or by being explosive and cruel), but if I don't call her she will tell my siblings how terrible I am and probably look at me more contemptuously than before. What's especially difficult is that there are going to be two days of this anxiety.

I have considered just sending her flowers or a card but, again, the thought makes me a little resentful. I think of all the birthdays/Christmases of the past 8 years where she couldn't be bothered to so much as send me a card. I think of all of the extravagant "family vacations" she's gone on with the rest of the family shortly after telling me she "didn't have the money" to visit me. I think of the 4-5 boxes of Chanel perfume she hoards all over her bathroom and the fur coats she has in every color while refusing to help me with groceries. I think of times when I was very little and I hoarded, snuck food because even at a young age she obsessed over my appearance. I think of when I was 5 and she chased me around the house, calling me fat and disgusting for eating a bagel and cream cheese in front of her. I think of all of the things I was passionate about that she'd first encourage and then shame me for: my art, my writing, the books I liked. I think of how I'd scramble to get her gifts she'd like and she would toss them aside. I think of times she physically attacked me and made me feel as though I was to blame or somehow initiated it. I think of all the times she made me feel ashamed for my heritage, for my father's ethnicity. Made me feel ashamed for my appearance, for the quirks that make me... .me. It makes me feel guilty, but in many ways I don't consider her enough of a mother to deserve adoration from me on mother's day. I don't know if sending her a gift for her birthday/ mother's day is deserved, as I would merely be doing such in hopes of bribing her into not hating me/ hating me less. In hopes of bribing her into not telling my siblings to hate me. What kind of mother is that?

Yet, at the end of the day it is still my worst fear to be hated by my mother and by my siblings.

Really can't wait for this week to pass.

[Notwendy]

Hi ophnoh,

Mother's day is a difficult day for me, ( and probably many of us here). I also have a mother who has divided my family and it has saddened me to know that she has painted me black to some of her relatives. In reality, they only know me through what she tells them about me- which means they don't know me at all.

I can relate to wanting to contact them- to set the story straight, to show them the truth- and also as a form of showing them I am not what she says about me. But somewhere along the way, I realized that to do that, I would put them in a her word/my word dilemma, as they could not believe both. I decided that I had little influence over what they chose to think, they can figure it out for themselves.

It would be so much harder with younger siblings- they are still impressionable. I have a sib who is enmeshed. I love that sib, but I know that anything I say to that sibling is reported back to my mother. It was that way with my father when he was alive, and it remains so with her FOO. Any relationship with them includes her, even if not by my choice. I can not have a one on one relationship with them. But for that to happen, they would need to decide they wanted it too. I did not go NC, but to do so, would mean NC with the whole of them, or they would be in contact with me- in order to report back to her.

I too could list reasons to go NC, not send any cards or gifts, and if this was the best decision for my own peace of mind, I would do it. But I decided the best choice for me was a cordial, but not too personal relationship with her. There was a time when what she said/did really hurt, but over time, I realize that what she says is more a reflection of her than me. Learning about her mental illness and projection helped me realize that saying things like a child is "fat" ( mine said that to me too, when pictures show I was not) or other criticism was about her own issues, not mine. It hurts to hear those things, now or then, but they are not true for either me or you.

For cards/gifts, I think it helps to ask yourself if you could send them without expectations or investment in the response. I find it easier to send flowers than one of those mushy cards that say " you are the best mother... ." because that feels like a lie. But even though flowers cost more, it seems easier to send them with a simple message than a card that doesn't fit how I feel. And I send them with the intent of doing something nice for someone, that's all, not with any attachment to the response of the receiver. If it can be enough for me that I sent pretty flowers, then that's enough reason to send them. However, if I would feel resentful, then I would not.

Staying in contact over the years will enable you to stay in contact with your siblings. I felt that way too, and also with my father. But some people need to be NC for their own peace of mind. I think we all do the best we can.