I just wanted to post how positive I am feeling today.
Tomorrow is my 3 month anniversary after calling it off from my exBPDgf. I hit the awful depths of despair, I went through potential bargaining with myself about whether I could offer just a 'friends with benefits arrangement' (I didn't), I've had several months of NC, and more recently, got in touch with her to suggest occassional catching up for meditation, and had two catchups.
Yesterday was my third catch up.
I had terrible anxiety again in the morning, but a friend came over and it disappeared.
After catching up with her, I noticed:
a) The physical desire has decreased significantly
b) Our catchup was not like I would have with any other friend (and I know it never will be). Just functional discussion about our lives. No laughter or fun talk. Just her usual negative comments about lots of things, including several comments by her that felt like she was trying to make me feel bad for things I said I was going to do, but hadn't yet done (it felt like an 'accountabiity session'. I didn't feel bad - I just said those things weren't a priority at the moment.
Today was the best I have felt in three months. The stomach knot is gone, I've noticed my muscles are much more relaxed (actually sore from being tense for so long). I'm feeling happy.
I feel like there is strong acceptance of what has happened, and I know I will never go back to that relationship.
I realise unless she stops her drinking (and she won't do that easily unless she changes her social group and gives up lots of friends, and that won't happen), AND does lots of recovery work (no reason to do so), I know she won't improve or get better. A part of me feels sad for her knowing that, but I understand I can't help, fix or rescue her. Until she has a massive life crisis, there will be no incentive for her to do so, and as a result, she is forever destined to repeat what we went through, multiple times, for the rest of her life.
I don't think she has a replacement yet, nor would she tell me, but I will deal with that when it comes up (and I'm sure it will). I hope by that time I've gotten much stronger and will just remind myself the new person sadly is going to get a repeat of what I got and hopefully I will not be too affected by that.
I've got a session with my T tomorrow, to start to do work on my FOO (Family of Origin) issues, and start to resolve my own co-dependency, lack of boundary assertiveness and other issues. Already done some work on this, and can see things in a new light
So for those of you going through the horror period, stay strong, have hope that it will get better and easier. I'm sure I will continue to have some bad days, but I feel like recovery is a sine wave where the bad is happening not as often, and is not as strong (like cravings when stopping smoking).
Tomorrow marks a key point for me, and from that day, I'm only going to give myself restricted time to think about her, and to start focusing more on rebuilding my life. I'm sure there will be occasions to continue to post, but I'm going to try and make those positive, and about recovery for me.
I wish you all well on your own journeys, and appreciate all the support and helpful comments so far. This board has been an amazing learning resource, and has helped so much.
xx P
