I dysregulated...

[Cat Familiar]

Can you describe some of the times when you have "seen a difference" now that you are using tools?

There was an incident recently when he started with "No one cares about me, you don't care, I have no friends, etc." He typically gets really involved with this type of diatribe and becomes extremely upset and angry.

In the past I would have argued with him that yes, I do love him, on and on and he would get more agitated, more angry.

This time I merely said something to the effect of "I'd be sad too if I felt that way," trying to use SET, which I'm not good at--yet, but I'm trying.

He responded, "It's all about you!" to which I felt like laughing (but didn't). At least this time I had an overview of the dynamic that he sets up. So I said nothing and he eventually wound down.

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[Cat Familiar]

I don't get the negative feelings with his rages and fits like I used to. I know he is dyregulating, I just listen. I listen for what's bothering him, why he's hurt, etc. and go from there. I do not listen to his words or accusations; those are meaningless. Anything they say during a dysregulation is not fact, it's them trying to put words to emotions they don't understand... .and sucking at it.

Really good point. He has such a hard time talking about his emotions--it never occurred to me that he didn't know how to describe them.

Then if I'm not expressive, he thinks I'm not aware of my emotions--projection much?

I'm very calculating about how much I disclose to people--a lifelong habit due to BPD mother's rages and tendency to exploit any vulnerability I showed. But that doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my emotions.

[ColdEthyl]

I don't get the negative feelings with his rages and fits like I used to. I know he is dyregulating, I just listen. I listen for what's bothering him, why he's hurt, etc. and go from there. I do not listen to his words or accusations; those are meaningless. Anything they say during a dysregulation is not fact, it's them trying to put words to emotions they don't understand... .and sucking at it.

Really good point. He has such a hard time talking about his emotions--it never occurred to me that he didn't know how to describe them.

Then if I'm not expressive, he thinks I'm not aware of my emotions--projection much?

I'm very calculating about how much I disclose to people--a lifelong habit due to BPD mother's rages and tendency to exploit any vulnerability I showed. But that doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my emotions.

It's him projecting. I posted in another thread where my husband gave me the same advice I have told him over and over. It's adorable.   

[Cat Familiar]

It's him projecting. I posted in another thread where my husband gave me the same advice I have told him over and over. It's adorable.  

Hey, at least your husband is paying attention to what you say!  

[ColdEthyl]

It's him projecting. I posted in another thread where my husband gave me the same advice I have told him over and over. It's adorable.  

Hey, at least your husband is paying attention to what you say!  

That's true. Of course, in his head I'm sure it was all his idea