His theme of the week: what other people think and say

[Mie]

I hear regularly nowadays from my uBPD SO that 'everyone says that' and 'people are talking' and 'people can see that'.

A couple of examples:

People can see that our relationship is not good.

Everyone knows that I am not happy.

People (in this village) are watching us, and they KNOW!

You have changed, everyone can see that.

People can see that you don't like yourself.

People are talking about us!

There is something in your shirt. Clean it before people see it and think I am dirty too.

Close the curtains! People are watching us. Some people in the opposite house (across the river and park) have binoculars.

I have said to him: I don't give a s... .what other people think. And he went angry shouting: You should!

This has always been a little friction between us: I am not doing things to please other people and I honestly don't care what someone thinks of my choices. But for him it's very important that things look good, and he wants to impress people (sometimes in ways that I think are embarassing).

I also tend to think people are not particularly interested in me, not 'watching' or 'thinking'. But he seems to feel that he is the target... .

Not a major issue, but there has been a lot of this this week.

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[Crumbling]

Great topic!

Being protective of our family's unity makes me not want to share what is happening between us with others.  I don't want to 'rock the boat'.  It has left me isolated and alone in the battle.  Not where one wants to be.

That being said, I have worked really hard at ensuring my actions are not dictated by what others will or will not think of me.  I had that thing going on, where I would worry about how my hair looked, or how the other person would judge me more than I would really consider what my true reaction to the situation was.  It takes mindfullness even now not to do this, but I do try to look within for direction instead of looking to others.

I guess here is the ultimate question: Is it so wrong if others know what is happening?  Does he perhaps feel threatened by this?  Like somehow he can pretend that it isn't real as long as no one else knows?

One time I wrote about an episode we had in an essay.  I documented everything, word for word.  I let him read it and said that I may post it on my blog.  He FREAKED!  'You make me sound like an ogre!' he said.  'No, dear, you made you sound like an ogre by what you said- I'm just the parrot.'  I asked him why it was okay for him to treat me this way in private, but the minute I want to make it public, it becomes wrong.  It was quite an eye opener for both of us.  I never did post it, but I'm pretty sure the discussion did help in the long run.

[formflier]

And he went angry shouting: You should!

Why do you think he did this? 

Maybe better... .why do you think a pwBPD would react this way... .more of a general response about how these traits play out

[maxsterling]

This post really rings true for me as well.  A see this as an issue at the very core of the disease, stemming from the pwBPDs lack of identity.  Their identity is formed by those around them, so obviously they want to put on a good impression.  Couple that with years of abandonment/rejection that they interpret as not being good enough in some way, and you have a toxic soup where the pwBPD is obsessed with image.

In the case of my wife, she also has issues with her culture/FOO that seems to put a big emphasis on image/status, and she will then obsess over wearing the wrong brand of clothes!  I remember once she apologized to her aunt for wearing jeans from Old Navy (!).  And guess what, the aunt didn't care.

I, too, struggle with how to deal with this.  It took me a long time for me to not care so much what others thought of me and just be happy being me.  I can't go back and be that miserable person who was shy and embarrassed because some clod had made fun of me for wearing some kind of clothes that were out of style.  Yet, she wants to obsess over things, telling me "you should... .I wish you would... .why can't you... ."

A few things to remember:  When he is nitpicking you, he is really nitpicking himself.  And while worrying about image may seem like a waste of time to you, it's a big deal to him.  That means you are probably going to have to find a way to validate that being concerned for his image is a big deal, while at the same time communicating that you can't put too much emphasis on it.  If you have any suggestions how to do that, I'm all ears

[Yaffle]

Apparently all my friends think I slept with an ex-work colleague

Everyone says to her 'I don't know how you cope, you do too much'

'Everyone says I'm a really good friend'

[jedimaster]

I hear regularly nowadays from my uBPD SO that 'everyone says that' and 'people are talking' and 'people can see that'.

A couple of examples:

People can see that our relationship is not good.

Everyone knows that I am not happy.

People (in this village) are watching us, and they KNOW!

You have changed, everyone can see that.

People can see that you don't like yourself.

People are talking about us!

There is something in your shirt. Clean it before people see it and think I am dirty too.

Close the curtains! People are watching us. Some people in the opposite house (across the river and park) have binoculars.

I have said to him: I don't give a s... .what other people think. And he went angry shouting: You should!

This has always been a little friction between us: I am not doing things to please other people and I honestly don't care what someone thinks of my choices. But for him it's very important that things look good, and he wants to impress people (sometimes in ways that I think are embarassing).

I also tend to think people are not particularly interested in me, not 'watching' or 'thinking'. But he seems to feel that he is the target... .

Not a major issue, but there has been a lot of this this week.

Same stuff here, some of it almost verbatim.  When she started this thing about "All our friends know how you really are," I started fact-checking her stories.  Not a shred of truth in any of them.  After checking out several of them I decided that nothing she claims to tell or know outside the two of us is real.  If any of our friends know anything, it is that she sometimes makes odd remarks that don't line up with what they know about me/us, and that her actions and words otherwise are very strange.  

I no longer worry or care about what she claims about what people think or say.  The problem I have now is that once I was able to detach from those things and not take them personally, they became so obviously ridiculous sometimes it's all I can do to keep from smiling or laughing out loud, which I know would be horribly invalidating.  But sometimes it's like watching an I Love Lucy episode--now I understand what Ricky was going off in Spanish about!