Reality

[workinprogress]

I've been staying, and I had made an effort for years to try and make things work.  I think I am making progress then she goes cold on me.  Actually, she goes beyond cold, even her warmest interactions with me are luke warm.

So, I have some quiet time this morning and I am "decompressing" a bit, reflecting on my life with her.

A few things have come to mind... .

Over the last couple of weeks I feel like my soul has been drained.  I am having trouble making any effort at all.  I get nothing out of this marriage but debt.

I recall reaching out to her years ago.  Our love life had dried up to nothing.  She had totally let herself go and she gained an enormous amount of weight.  I exercised and tried to get her to participate with me, and she always said no.  I never complained about her weight, but now I wonder if I should have.

She went from being a hot sexy single woman to a very obese nagging wife in a matter of 5 years.

I do recall when I requested that we work on our love life and our relationship.  She got very angry and told me that she "couldn't be what I needed her to be."

I didn't understand it.  She loved sex when we were dating.  When I brought this up to her all she would say was, "things change, get over it."

I think I have a lot of anger and disappointment over all of this that I haven't addressed over the years.  I think reality is really sinking in for me.

I think that for the last 16 years of my life I have gone without everything.  I'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking about warmth and intimacy.

I'm talking about going out to dinner with my wife.  We have yet to sleep in the same bed while on any vacation.  We have been married for 22 years, btw.  There was one weekend that we did go away together and slept in the same bed.  That was around 12 years ago.

It just seems that our marriage has been all about "me" making things happen for "her." 

Anytime I wanted anything at all, she fought against it.

I am working very hard on changing myself and becoming who I really am.  I'm not just an extension of her.  I am a man who has untapped potential and dreams.

I'm tired of having my life smothered.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Have either of you been to counseling... .or have you been to MC.

There is a lot going on here... and it seems to have been going on for a long time... .so don't be surprised if "it" is resistant to change.

Change is possible... .you need to be smart about it... .take the "long view".

How are you doing with reading the lessons?

What do you see is your next step?

[workinprogress]

Have either of you been to counseling... .or have you been to MC.

There is a lot going on here... and it seems to have been going on for a long time... .so don't be surprised if "it" is resistant to change.

Change is possible... .you need to be smart about it... .take the "long view".

How are you doing with reading the lessons?

What do you see is your next step?

I suggested counseling years ago, and she flat out refused.  She said I was the one with the problem (wanting intimacy) so I was the one who needed to see a therapist.

When I did contact a therapist she freaked out because we knew him, and I never followed up.  My mistake.

I haven't read the lessons in awhile.  I will review them and try to put them more into practice.

As for my next step concerning the marriage, I'm not sure what to do.  I want to be here for my kids.  We are really close.

I have basically just been working on myself and trying not to let my marriage impact me.  I read, work out, and I have been spending a lot of time researching where I went wrong as a man.  I mean really, what man goes through life like this?

[formflier]

I mean really, what man goes through life like this?

I did... .for a while. 

Find a counselor for you... to talk about your thoughts on intimacy.  Maybe you can find one that is in a group where you could see one for IC and another one is available for MC.

Combining those two into one counselor is usually not a good idea.

Don't make a big deal to your wife about going.  Just go... .get a few sessions behind you... .talk to us about it.  We and your T can help figure out when best to involved your wife.

Is there a day to day interaction that you would like to make better?  Such as you say good morning... .she says go jump in lake... .etc etc

[workinprogress]

I mean really, what man goes through life like this?

I did... .for a while. 

Find a counselor for you... to talk about your thoughts on intimacy.  Maybe you can find one that is in a group where you could see one for IC and another one is available for MC.

Combining those two into one counselor is usually not a good idea.

Don't make a big deal to your wife about going.  Just go... .get a few sessions behind you... .talk to us about it.  We and your T can help figure out when best to involved your wife.

Is there a day to day interaction that you would like to make better?  Such as you say good morning... .she says go jump in lake... .etc etc

As far as the interaction goes, I have to let her come to me.  If I try to interact with her, she is cold and distant.  For instance, if I asked her how her day went, she will barely reply.

I have seriously considered going to a counselor soon.  I will add that to my list.

I did get a good work out in today, so that always helps.

[formflier]

I would not "add it to the list"... .I would move it to number 1... .and do it.

Actually... .I would break it into parts.

Find private time to do research about Ts... .see what they focus on.

A T that does individual and MC is good.  A T that works with "high conflict" is good.

If you see one that uses dbt... .as a style... .that is probably good.

Do some research... come back and post... .we'll try to help you decide a good one to go to.

Look... .I'm not saying something is broken with you.  It may ... .or may not be.  There was stuff with me... .and with many of us.  So... .don't be shocked either way.

However... .what I am saying loud and clear.  Is that the task you are getting ready to embark on is not one to take on without a support system

This message board is great... .we will play a huge roll... .but it would be like trying to sit on a two legged stool... .

If you leave out the T... .the "stool" is just not going to have enough legs to support you.


Approachability:  Don't let her "coldness" run you off.  She is most likely doing a self fullfilling prophecy.  Also... don't do a dramatic change all at once.

Make sure you are greating her... .be pleasant... .bring her a glass of water.  After a  couple days make sure you touch her on the shoulder when you great her.

If she reacts... .remain calm... .don't fight.

Thoughts?

[workinprogress]

Formflier, I know I have my issues.  I have been trained to take care of everyone else's needs since I was a kid.  Nothing was about me at all.

I thought being a good man meant sacrifice for the greater good, so to speak.  This doesn't work.

As for warmer her up, today I did hug her and she said her neck was sore.  I rubbed it a bit for her and even squeezed her booty a second.  .

I guess I will take what I can get.

[formflier]

I thought being a good man meant sacrifice for the greater good, so to speak.  This doesn't work.

I'm going to argue with you a bit here... .I was raised in a similar way.    And it does work... .as long as you are the one keeping and eye on how much energy you have left. 

Quit sacrificing before you run out... .if you don't quit... .and run out of energy.  Don't blame it on anyone else. 

The world has more need that you and I... .have energy.  So... .be wise about using it.

[Grey Kitty]

I thought being a good man meant sacrifice for the greater good, so to speak.  This doesn't work.

I really don't like the word "sacrifice".

When my wife hit a level of self-awareness, she described this "game" she played in her head, she called it "Martyr Points." She would make some sort of sacrifice (usually for me), and would decide how many martyr points it was worth, and keep track. If I didn't pay her back soon enough, she would generally extract all the pending ones in a big dysregulation.

She didn't really keep a running tally in her head, but the result was as I described it. Once she figured out the game, we both joked about it when situations came up that brought it to mind. "How many martyr points would that be worth?" 

She also used the word sacrifice a lot, in this sort of context. It was always bad news.

To me, when somebody makes a "sacrifice" feels they are owed something back, and person with the debt didn't agree to it. It is a messed up codependent dynamic.

I think this description fits the spirit of what WIP isn't doing anymore.

I think that FF is using the word a different way, and I agree. I would use different words:

Be generous, and give freely. And be aware of your capacity; do not give away more than you can afford.

[workinprogress]

I don't think that I was keeping score as much as I felt responsible for everyone.  It was up to me to meet my parent's emotional needs.  It was up to me to provide for my wife and kids.

It was up to me to maintain the house and so forth.

I just kept giving, and when I woke up and realized that no one was lifting a finger for me, it caused me to step back and re-evaluate my life.

Through my research, I have found that many men are in the same boat. 

I think it is time for me to just quit playing the game.  In that I mean I will maintain my marriage, but it is not about pleasing my wife or anyone else from here on out. 

I am going to be the man that I was meant to be.

[formflier]

I am going to be the man that I was meant to be.

Describe this man to us...

[workinprogress]

I am going to be the man that I was meant to be.

Describe this man to us...

This man is strong, physically and mentally.

I know what I want.  I don't let other people set up road blocks for me.

I just typed out a long list of what I was going to do and I lost it somehow.

I will be specific later.

I really want to enjoy myself and my life.

[formflier]

 

Good... I thin that will be a good list to discuss.

I would also challenge you to make a list of behaviors or traits that your pwBPD traits exhibits... .that seem to be negatively impacting your life. 

Then we can start working through that list... and identify things that we believe we can make better and come up with strategies to make them better.

[workinprogress]

Good... I thin that will be a good list to discuss.

I would also challenge you to make a list of behaviors or traits that your pwBPD traits exhibits... .that seem to be negatively impacting your life. 

Then we can start working through that list... and identify things that we believe we can make better and come up with strategies to make them better.

My list of what I want in life:

1.  I want to be athletic again (worked out at the gym tonight, so this is becoming reality.)   Also, I bumped into a buddy of mine tonight who does MMA and he invited me to start doing kick boxing with him!

2.  I have had many ideas for movies/books.  I want to complete my script.  I am taking a lot of time off over the holidays, maybe I can finish it then.

3.  I want to be happy and loved.  I am loved by my kids, but I want the love of a woman.

4.  I want people to start giving to me.  The people in my life just don't do that.

5.  I want to take some training and perhaps change careers.

6.  I want moments in my life that I can feel relaxed and carefree.

That's it for starters.

Behaviors of my wife that impact me negatively are as follows:

1.  Her spending has gotten me into debt.

2.  She cannot sit still.  Something has to be going on all of the time except for when she becomes comatose in front of the TV.

3.  Her constant criticism of me, which I now handle very well.

4.  She has obsessed about the kids over the years and left me out in the cold.

5.  I get no affection from her.

6.  I honestly don't know much of what goes on in her life.  I have felt very left out over the years.