Setting boundaries with engulfing parent

[Raspberrydrops]

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading the message boards here on and off for a year now. You've all given me a lot of validation and strength in dealing with my family, so thank-you for that.

I've only posted once in the introduce yourself section, and I can't find my original post, so I'll just quickly summarize here:

When I was growing up my Mum would get triggered every few weeks or so and either fly into a rage or silent for days. She would say that no-one cared about her, and that she may as well just die, and it often terrified me, because I felt like she would either kill herself or end up killing me. It was when I was 15-17 that she would rage the most... .earlier on in my life she would fight with Dad and then drive off in the car. The hardest thing was when I'd been ignored for a few days, or yelled at a lot, and then she would finally feel better and act like nothing had happened. She would want to hug me or want to joke about something, and I would still be hurt about what had happened and not really trusting her, and she would laugh at me for being upset or say that I was being grumpy. It's only been in the last few years (I'm now 24), that I've realised she has most of the symptoms of BPD. I don't live near her now, and our relationship is mostly fine. I've been really firm with what I will and won't accept from her and we'll speak once a week or so. My issue now is with my Dad... .

It was when I was a teenager that both of my parents started speaking to me about their problems. I'm 24 now, and I've always been pretty mature for my age. I have a younger brother who is 2 years younger, and I always wanted to protect him from everything. But I can just see now how having to support both of my parents emotionally when I was only a teenager has taken such a toll on my identity now. I hardly ever felt like I could just be myself around them, and shut down parts of myself that I didn't think they would accept to feel safe.

My parents separated when I was 17 and both my brother and I lived with Dad. I've always been close with my Dad, and he's been very supportive of me over the years, especially last year when I went through depression and was diagnosed with anxiety too. I'm feeling much better now and am working 4 days a week at a great job. I've got new, creative hobbies, and I'm really enjoying figuring out who I am. The thing is that my Dad can't seem to accept that I'm an adult and want space to myself. I feel really engulfed whenever he texts or calls me... .to the point where I get SO ANGRY that he wants to speak to me so much. I've literally cried angry tears and punched pillows just from receiving a text. I just feel like he needs me too much, and it's overwhelming. I'm at a point where I just want to focus on myself, and any time he wants to talk to me, it reminds me of him offloading everything he was feeling about Mum when I was younger, and just being so inappropriate in the way he put me in the middle of it all. I just start to hate him. Yesterday morning, after a few days of texting me too often, he wanted me to go visit him 2 hours away on the weekend. I was at work and calm and told him that I need space, that I'm an adult now, and even though I love him and do want to still talk to him, once a week would be enough. I've told him this before, maybe a year ago. And he didn't really understand why I wanted that, but respected it for a while. It just gradually creeped back up again. I feel like I give an inch and he takes a mile. Anyway, he didn't reply to my text, and I'm just feeling very, very, guilty, and keep remembering everything he's done for me in my life. I know I'm doing what's best for me, but it's really hard and I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this experience? I know it's a little different because Dad doesn't actually have BPD, but I feel it was still enmeshment and parentification... .which are very hard to dismantle psychologically as you become an adult. Hopefully this all makes sense...

And again, thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

Raspberry Drops

[Pilate]

  Raspberry Drops,

Congratulations on having a job that you enjoy, finding your creative interests, and working on dealing with depression and anxiety. These are amazing things you are doing and doing for yourself!

It is clear that you love both of your parents, and you are a loving and caring daughter. It's great that you can see some of the pitfalls in your relationship with your dad. Any relationship can be prone to less than healthy patterns or behaviors. Unhealthy behavior occurs in everyone.

It sounds like you set a good boundary with your dad. It's normal for boundaries to get pushed at, and it's sort of like that frog in boiling water analogy. You set a boundary, your dad was okay with it for awhile, and then the texts and communication slowly crept back to too much. It's okay to admit to yourself that you need to reset and restate the boundary again--we all get do overs. Setting a boundary is not a one-time process. It usually takes practice, and other people are going to push against our new boundaries. Think about training for a marathon or learning a new skill. You don't just go out and run 26.2 miles or perform brain surgery the first day you start a pre-med program. The same goes for setting boundaries. We have to practice stating the boundary and then practice being consistent about maintaining our boundary. This means practicing not answering the phone more than once a week. (It will be hard, but you can do it!)

It's understandable that you feel guilty. As a parentified child, you have been trained to be responsible for your parents' emotional stuff. That sucks. And it's not fair. And it's not how the parenting process is supposed to work. Also, people who are caring and kind don't like to hurt other people's feelings, so there's another little sneaky place for guilt to slip in.

BUT--the truth is, as your post implies, you're an adult, who is responsible for her stuff. And your dad is an adult, and he is responsible for his stuff. If he's mad or upset about your boundary; he gets to deal with his feelings and figuring out how to make himself feel better.

keep remembering everything he's done for me in my life.

---He is your parent--parents are supposed to care for and do things for their children, and children do not OWE their parents for being children who needed taking care of. You don't owe your dad multiple text messages and inconvenient visits because he parented you. Talking once a week is a normal request and a normal amount of communication between an adult child and parent. You need to do what is comfortable for you right now, and it sounds like you know in your gut what works for you. Listen to that. It's important because parentified children are trained NOT to listen to themselves or their needs, so it is TERRIFIC that you are listening to what is healthy and comfortable for you.

Keep posting. We're glad you found us!

[Raspberrydrops]

Thanks for your support Pilate. I've read your reply about 5 times now, and I know I'll keep reading it again over the next few days. It's really helping with the guilt.

Raspberry Drops

[Pilate]

 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Raspberrydrops

I am amazed at the clarity and self perception you have! I am also impressed by how far you've come and how much you've worked out and done on your own.

Like Pilate, I think you are to be congratulated on your maturity.

It seems you have been repeatedly rejected as being your own independent entity who should have your boundaries respected and your space given to you when you have had the courage to ask for it.

PwBPD often seem to me like children whom you have stated what you want to and then gradually they start creeping back, creeping back to see how far they can go before the line gets reinforced again. Now wonder you are angry at your dad - he's behaving like a 5 year old! Pretty cheeky if you ask me. And then you make allowances for him because are the nice dutiful daughter who is STILL looking after Dad even though he is a grown man who I assume knows how to drive a car, vote and do up his shoelaces?

Instead of appreciating the things you do and have done for him what do you get? Pushed boundaries! Not right. Not adult behaviour.

And this much is true, Raspberrydrops he IS an adult even if he has BPD. I'll bet there are other people whose boundaries he DOES observe. I would invite you to consider that.

As far as him providing you with the things you needed as a child? I agree with Pilate again - that was his JOB. His DUTY. You were his responsibility to do that for. Most parents do it willingly and lovingly so that their kids never know what they sacrificed until they have kids of their own.

I have to wonder, did you become aware of his sacrifices by your own considerations? or more likely, did he inform you of those 'sacrifices'?

And what about the sacrifices you made? Giving up your own childhood to care for emotionally arrested parents who should have been caring for you! And should have been caring for you in a way that DID NOT CREATE A SENSE OF OBLIGATION.

I know it's hard to get used to this idea, but you really don't owe him your time and attention in the way he wants it.

I contend that your guilt is learned and reinforced by your Dad. Most healthy people don't like us carrying a guilt obligation toward them and avoid it - think of how you would feel if someone felt guilty toward you. Pw BPD seem more inclined to fan that guilt in order to get what they want. And in this case, I think what your father wants is for you to stop playing this 'silly game of boundaries' and just be completely available to him.

Yes you may need to reinforce your boundaries over and over again. This is not for him to learn - he probably won't, and he will probably never respect your boundary in the way you would wish, but rather that it teaches you that you are entitled to boundaries and entitled to have your own time and space. By repetition it will stick with you better and sink in with you further.

Are you able to review your boundary and work out if it still what you want? (It's ok to change your mind at any time) Do you have a specific behaviour that you want to set the boundary on?

I would be really interested to know what you decide to do next.

Ziggiddy