I'm back in my home town for Christmas... .
Since my very messy break up with my exBPDgf in April (NC since June), I chose to move two cities and now work in another country. I chose to escape to force space and time for me to heal
This morning, I decided to purge by going through all the stuff I left here that related to this failed relationship.
I looked at some love letters and cards she had given me over time. I was indifferent and undisturbed which was a great relief to me. She always had a wonderful way with words when expressing love, especially with the pen. I now know that they were just words... .words to draw me in, coerce and entrap me, words to get me back etc... .She may well have felt some of the things she wrote at the time but her actions are what really matter and those actions were atrocious, particularly towards the end when I had no option other than to bail for my life. I was a fool for her charm so many times. She groomed me for years before we finally got together. I found one piece written years ago, when we were still friends and I traced the early signs of her embedding her tentacles into me. I would buy her declarations of love and believe her proposed dreams of everlasting companionship. On the ground, day to day, her actions were the opposite of the stuff she wrote. She abused and devalued me. I was traumatised. Never again will I allow this person near me in any way.
Tearing up those letters and cards and disposing of them is another ending that gives me more closure. I have closed the door and I've kept it shut.
I have learned so many lessons in this r/s. The most empowering of them all was to know that I had the inner strength to finally say "NO", cut her off, stay away and clean house from the inside out.
Today has been I good day. I still have twinges of pain and anger occasionally, but I sense that the end is close.
Close friends and family have remarked on how different I look and how self assured I come across. Someone said my eyes now have life in them again. A spark. this was good to hear
I'm a free man now.
Peace
