she is getting worse...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My NPDw had this full blown out … a couple years ago, essentially tried to get me on the wrong side of the law.  In short, we had an argument about when my family can visit (after we spent tons of $ and 10 days with her family for xmas), I asked for an weekend visit for my family, she stonewalled me.  She started to gaslight and project and etc… it went into an argument and she hit me on my lips and left a wound.  She stormed off to pick up her mom from airpot while I watched after our 4 year old and 1 year old.  7 hours later, I was wondering where she was (airport is only 30 minutes away)… texted her a couple times and got some lukewarm response.  Next thing I knew, the cops showed up at the door and arrested me.  I was confused and concerned about my kids.  Apparently she went the police and claim that I strangled her.  Which was a huge lie.  I asked where is the red mark (so she claimed).  By that time was not visible, but they claim they took a picture.  Ok, so in one hour, the red mark was gone and this is after she left for the house for more than 7 hours.  Obviously, she tried to get me in trouble by self-impose a red mark around her neck.  Meanwhile, my lip wound was real.  The cop asked and I told them the truth and she was arrested too… but no need for bail.  Meanwhile, judge place a price on my bail.  Not fail, I didn't do anything… but that is how it works in legal system.  We had to go to court and finally I found a good attorney and we agree to mutually work it out.  So eventually the charges were dropped.  I thought, this ought to teach her lesson… so I thought. 

In the last few months... she has step up her NPDw… she starts to recruit negative advocates and feed them lies and basically has gone to a distortion campaign against me.  She did this in front of my daughter and my daughter was upset and told me that mommy lied about me with her negative advocate.  I emailed the "family friend" who bought into her gas lighting, but the friend seems to ignored all the facts and adamantly accuse me as well… keep in mind, this friend and her husband are also in heated battle for heading to divorce… and was more public then my situation.  I suspect that my wife is trading loyalty points with her… which I don't get.  We are adults, if we want a divorce, we can sit down and resolve it ... why gong through these smear campaign and now even feeding negative information about me on daily basis and pick fights on really useless things, on top of that she reaches out to my family and tell them why I am a such horrible person to them … it is really strange, I knew she did that with her own family, but now to mine?  it is really bizarre.  Essentially, she has been relentless with picking fights by accusing things that didn't happen, getting my daughter involved and even made up emails to distort reality… my daughter is confused, she is 7.  I recently read a book "Splitting" and it is frightening ... because the book describes exactly what my wife does.  I got the book not because I was thinking of "Splitting", I have heard reviews on how accurate the description of PDs are in this book and it effectively addressed the NPD… which I found shockingly accurate.  How is it possible that there are same copies of human beings out there?  I don't know what to do... my logic has always been kids are off the boundary and now she has crossed into that boundary and I am just so concerned that she may confuse my kids so much that it can not be healthy…   Your opinions are appreciated.

[Pou]

My NPDw had this full blown out … a couple years ago, essentially tried to get me on the wrong side of the law.  In short, we had an argument about when my family can visit (after we spent tons of $ and 10 days with her family for xmas), I asked for an weekend visit for my family, she stonewalled me.  She started to gaslight and project and etc… it went into an argument and she hit me on my lips and left a wound.  She stormed off to pick up her mom from airpot while I watched after our 4 year old and 1 year old.  7 hours later, I was wondering where she was (airport is only 30 minutes away)… texted her a couple times and got some lukewarm response.  Next thing I knew, the cops showed up at the door and arrested me.  I was confused and concerned about my kids.  Apparently she went the police and claim that I strangled her.  Which was a huge lie.  I asked where is the red mark (so she claimed).  By that time was not visible, but they claim they took a picture.  Ok, so in one hour, the red mark was gone and this is after she left for the house for more than 7 hours.  Obviously, she tried to get me in trouble by self-impose a red mark around her neck.  Meanwhile, my lip wound was real.  The cop asked and I told them the truth and she was arrested too… but no need for bail.  Meanwhile, judge place a price on my bail.  Not fail, I didn't do anything… but that is how it works in legal system.  We had to go to court and finally I found a good attorney and we agree to mutually work it out.  So eventually the charges were dropped.  I thought, this ought to teach her lesson… so I thought. 

In the last few months... she has step up her NPDw… she starts to recruit negative advocates and feed them lies and basically has gone to a distortion campaign against me.  She did this in front of my daughter and my daughter was upset and told me that mommy lied about me with her negative advocate.  I emailed the "family friend" who bought into her gas lighting, but the friend seems to ignored all the facts and adamantly accuse me as well… keep in mind, this friend and her husband are also in heated battle for heading to divorce… and was more public then my situation.  I suspect that my wife is trading loyalty points with her… which I don't get.  We are adults, if we want a divorce, we can sit down and resolve it ... why gong through these smear campaign and now even feeding negative information about me on daily basis and pick fights on really useless things, on top of that she reaches out to my family and tell them why I am a such horrible person to them … it is really strange, I knew she did that with her own family, but now to mine?  it is really bizarre.  Essentially, she has been relentless with picking fights by accusing things that didn't happen, getting my daughter involved and even made up emails to distort reality… my daughter is confused, she is 7.  I recently read a book "Splitting" and it is frightening ... because the book describes exactly what my wife does.  I got the book not because I was thinking of "Splitting", I have heard reviews on how accurate the description of PDs are in this book and it effectively addressed the NPD… which I found shockingly accurate.  How is it possible that there are same copies of human beings out there?  I don't know what to do... my logic has always been kids are off the boundary and now she has crossed into that boundary and I am just so concerned that she may confuse my kids so much that it can not be healthy…   Your opinions are appreciated.

[enlighten me]

While with my ex wife she usedvto lie about what the kids did to get them in trouble. She is a waif type and apparenyly it is common with them. After splitting up from her I have had seceral discussions with my kids and have sorted out why I listened to their mum and not them. They are happy now and realise that there mum has issues but they atleast have one stable parent.

[clydegriffith]

Run far far far away. If she called the cops on  you once she will most certainly do it again. She now knows how easy it is for her to have you arrested and will use that to her advantage. Domestic Violence laws, while well-intentioned, have gone too far. All that is needed is an accusation and you HAVE to be arrested. No investigation, no nothing.

I speak from experience as the mother of my child, whom i was with for two and a half years, had me arrestd 4 times. During arguments she would say things like "next time i'll tell them you tried to stab me so they give you a high bail". Tread very carefully. I was lucky enough enough to come out of my horrible ordeal without ever spending a night in jail, no criminal record and not having to spend one penny on an attorney. I could very easily see how someone else under similar circumstances would not be as fortunate.   

[Pou]

Run far far far away. If she called the cops on  you once she will most certainly do it again. She now knows how easy it is for her to have you arrested and will use that to her advantage. Domestic Violence laws, while well-intentioned, have gone too far. All that is needed is an accusation and you HAVE to be arrested. No investigation, no nothing.

I speak from experience as the mother of my child, whom i was with for two and a half years, had me arrestd 4 times. During arguments she would say things like "next time i'll tell them you tried to stab me so they give you a high bail". Tread very carefully. I was lucky enough enough to come out of my horrible ordeal without ever spending a night in jail, no criminal record and not having to spend one penny on an attorney. I could very easily see how someone else under similar circumstances would not be as fortunate.   

Clydegriffith, you are exactly right.  I was shocked the time I was arrested. I was 40 years old and never had any troubles with the law.  Always walk away from conflicts. Here is someone who I married to and said all these vows at the alter (honor and cherish and etc), gaslighting about me and went as far as distorting me to the law enforcement.  I notice that she has not an ounce of "feeling" … for example, while we were dating, she visited my aunts, uncles and etc.  She acted courteous and normal and pleasant.  After we got married, three of my relatives we visited passed away, I mentioned to her ... feeling the pain, she ignored me like I didn't say anything.  So that was odd… didn't think too much, just thought she didn't know them.  Then my father was dying in ICU, she didn't express any sympathy to me and refused to see my dad while he was at ICU citing that we have little kids and she can not take the kids to the hospital.  I spent my dad's last thanksgiving without her and my kids because she refused to go to see him and won't let me take my kids to see him for the last time.  She threatened to call the police if I take the kids…. accuse me of being a irresponsible parent wanting to expose my kids to the hospital.  I told her my sister can look after the kids while she and I visit my dad, kids didn't have to go.  She adamantly gaslight and accuse me that I wanted to put my kids in harms way … so she got her way and my dad passed.  Not a word of sympathy… not a word of I am sorry for your dad's passing.  When her father passed, I urged her to see him and she cited that her work was busy, I pushed her to go and then took two weeks off from work to help her and her family for her father's affairs.  Which now she denied and told me that I didn't want her to go to see her father while he was dying and blame me for everything… again, this is where the book about NPD is spot on … they "blame" and they do it by gaslighting.  She claims that I tell negative things about her to my daughter and that is when I realize she is projecting herself onto me… and surely enough, my daughter ask all these fabricated stuff about me and when confronted her, she spins and continue to gaslight, b/w … she is an attorney… and honestly, I really don't think normal attorneys would act this way… and I think it is a character issue, not so much a profession issue.  There are lots of sociopathic traits... I guess that could be the narcissist characteristics too.  How did you finally get out of your relationship?  4x being arrested is a lot and you are right, she always threatens to call police when I disagree with her about anything… extremely controlling.

[clydegriffith]

Run far far far away. If she called the cops on  you once she will most certainly do it again. She now knows how easy it is for her to have you arrested and will use that to her advantage. Domestic Violence laws, while well-intentioned, have gone too far. All that is needed is an accusation and you HAVE to be arrested. No investigation, no nothing.

I speak from experience as the mother of my child, whom i was with for two and a half years, had me arrestd 4 times. During arguments she would say things like "next time i'll tell them you tried to stab me so they give you a high bail". Tread very carefully. I was lucky enough enough to come out of my horrible ordeal without ever spending a night in jail, no criminal record and not having to spend one penny on an attorney. I could very easily see how someone else under similar circumstances would not be as fortunate.   

Clydegriffith, you are exactly right.  I was shocked the time I was arrested. I was 40 years old and never had any troubles with the law.  Always walk away from conflicts. Here is someone who I married to and said all these vows at the alter (honor and cherish and etc), gaslighting about me and went as far as distorting me to the law enforcement.  I notice that she has not an ounce of "feeling" … for example, while we were dating, she visited my aunts, uncles and etc.  She acted courteous and normal and pleasant.  After we got married, three of my relatives we visited passed away, I mentioned to her ... feeling the pain, she ignored me like I didn't say anything.  So that was odd… didn't think too much, just thought she didn't know them.  Then my father was dying in ICU, she didn't express any sympathy to me and refused to see my dad while he was at ICU citing that we have little kids and she can not take the kids to the hospital.  I spent my dad's last thanksgiving without her and my kids because she refused to go to see him and won't let me take my kids to see him for the last time.  She threatened to call the police if I take the kids…. accuse me of being a irresponsible parent wanting to expose my kids to the hospital.  I told her my sister can look after the kids while she and I visit my dad, kids didn't have to go.  She adamantly gaslight and accuse me that I wanted to put my kids in harms way … so she got her way and my dad passed.  Not a word of sympathy… not a word of I am sorry for your dad's passing.  When her father passed, I urged her to see him and she cited that her work was busy, I pushed her to go and then took two weeks off from work to help her and her family for her father's affairs.  Which now she denied and told me that I didn't want her to go to see her father while he was dying and blame me for everything… again, this is where the book about NPD is spot on … they "blame" and they do it by gaslighting.  She claims that I tell negative things about her to my daughter and that is when I realize she is projecting herself onto me… and surely enough, my daughter ask all these fabricated stuff about me and when confronted her, she spins and continue to gaslight, b/w … she is an attorney… and honestly, I really don't think normal attorneys would act this way… and I think it is a character issue, not so much a profession issue.  There are lots of sociopathic traits... I guess that could be the narcissist characteristics too.  How did you finally get out of your relationship?  4x being arrested is a lot and you are right, she always threatens to call police when I disagree with her about anything… extremely controlling.

Well there was an entire back and forth between her and i for a year. I also had an order of protection against her and had her arrested twice. It got to the point where it was getting ridiculous, she would make these false reports against me saying i did all these terrible things, then when i was released from the central booking stations she would call me non-stop making all sorts of insane demands to go bring her this or do something for her, all this after telling the police she was deafly afraid of me. It took her moving 7 hours to finally put an end to it. Unfortunatley she used a child to trap me initially so i still have to deal with her on some level.

[Mutt]

Hi Pou,

I'm sorry to hear she hit you and you were arrested. I share a similar experience. I was falsely accused, charged for DV.

The family friend is taking sides. There are two sides to every story.

Are you asking what you can do for personal boundaries? How to protect the kids from these behaviors?

I have not followed your story. If you read SWOE it mentions smear campaigns sometimes start several months. A pwBPD feel much shame and guilt and project these feelings on others.

Smear campaigns are stressful and difficult. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure about your back-story. Are you seperated or in the same home? I ask because smear campaigns are bad and can be triggered when your partner feels abandonment real or perceived.

You are on the Undecided Board. Have you checked the Legal Board?

[Pou]

Hi Pou,

I'm sorry to hear she hit you and you were arrested. I share a similar experience. I was falsely accused, charged for DV.

The family friend is taking sides. There are two sides to every story.

Are you asking what you can do for personal boundaries? How to protect the kids from these behaviors?

I have not followed your story. If you read SWOE it mentions smear campaigns sometimes start several months. A pwBPD feel much shame and guilt and project these feelings on others.

Smear campaigns are stressful and difficult. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure about your back-story. Are you seperated or in the same home? I ask because smear campaigns are bad and can be triggered when your partner feels abandonment real or perceived.

You are on the Undecided Board. Have you checked the Legal Board?

mutt, my back story is that NPDw and I have been together for 16 years.  She had all the traits of NPDw since day one… I didn't know what NPD was and when it went full blown around 7 years ago when my mother in law moved to the area and I suspect that was a full blown trigger for her.  They both have many similarities and I think my NPDw may have learned or has some genetic influence.  Recently, my NPDw is essentially following the text book progression of what a NPD would do... and it is frightening to be living through that.  First of all, I just can not wrap my head around the idea that there are a "group" of people who actually think and act so predictably evil (directed toward spouse or partner) and in their own mind and world, that is perfectly acceptable.  I am also glad to have found this board and found the books out there describing people with PDs … otherwise, I would think I am crazy.  I mean normal people do not say lies and then with emotionally charged pleads saying that they never said what they said or they start to spin and redirect the key points just to loop around the lies that they told.  It is so draining, meanwhile she go around and try to convince friends and family that I am the evil one with all these made up stuff.  Now try to alienate my kids by feeding them how I am blocking them from seeing her side of relatives.  Meanwhile she has been the one who would go into these weird mood swings and sabotage any contacts with my family and relatives.  Now she is making things up how when I participate in my daughter's class activities that I try to hide them from her so I try to keep her out… it is so strange and so crazy that I could tell my daughter has to pause and think about the validity of my NPDw's accusations.  I mean who in the right mind would make up such thing unless there is some reality based… I used to do the same, doubting myself and bend over backwards try to adjust to her reality… until I discover and learned about PDs… now I just try not to get into fights by backing up a little and be clear with the reality in my own head without going into FOG again.

[Pou]

[quote author=clydegriffith link=topic=238819.msg12543687#msg12543687 date=1418989108

Well there was an entire back and forth between her and i for a year. I also had an order of protection against her and had her arrested twice. It got to the point where it was getting ridiculous, she would make these false reports against me saying i did all these terrible things, then when i was released from the central booking stations she would call me non-stop making all sorts of insane demands to go bring her this or do something for her, all this after telling the police she was deafly afraid of me. It took her moving 7 hours to finally put an end to it. Unfortunatley she used a child to trap me initially so i still have to deal with her on some level. [/quote]
Clydergriffith, gosh… sorry to hear what you had to go through.  That is a lot of drama for nothing.  I know how tough it is to having to be connected with a child together.  Trust me, I am watching my back, but having 3 kids together, I can't just pack up and leave … I have to evaluate everyday my kids' well being and what do I do based on that.  I do not put myself as a priority … I brought my kids to this world and I will have to be prudent in making sure they are ok … while accepting the idea of no perfect family out there.