Now that I'm out. I see the weird behavior.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

":)o you want to come over on Christmas Eve and help me wrap presents and stay so you can be there when the kids open them? You can sleep on one of their beds or the couch. Just thought you might want to do that (not me trying to get you back.) the kids would enjoy it." Do they not realize this isn't normal?

[mrshambles]

":)o you want to come over on Christmas Eve and help me wrap presents and stay so you can be there when the kids open them? You can sleep on one of their beds or the couch. Just thought you might want to do that (not me trying to get you back.) the kids would enjoy it." Do they not realize this isn't normal?

[Elpis]

Indeed they don't.

And pretty much all of life is about how they feel about stuff, so that's about her wanting things to be the way they were or something, and not really about her thinking about what you want.

I was oblivious to how strange the expectations were when I was living in our home--he would have just raged at me and then pouted that he would go sleep somewhere else, and i'd feel bad for him (I was still in the messed up/enmeshed thinking) and tell him he should sleep in our bed because it would be better for his back. ?

There's no "normal" sense of actions and consequences in someone fully in the clutches of BPD. But isn't it great when we start recognizing things for what they are?

[mrshambles]

Yeah no kidding. Must be going rough with the replacement.

[clydegriffith]

Yeah, the BPDx tried to pull something like that the first new years eve we weren't together which was about 5 or 6 months after b/u. She said we should ring in the new  year as a family and blah blah blah then got angry and said i was a bad dad when i refused. She later sent me a picture of my daughter with a giant bump on her head saying that she had fallen and needed me to go there. What are the odds of that? I still think she did something to her that night. I still didn't go.

I wold bet my bottom dollar that the only reason she wanted me to be there is because she couldnt' get a babysitter and none of the guys she was screwing at the time wanted spend new years eve locked up in an apartment with her and 4 little kids.

[Elpis]

Were you guys nervous all the time when you were with them, wondering what strange expectation there would be next?

And isn't it interesting that we are the ones who are "bad" when they either left or chased us away? I'm one of those who chose to leave because even though he really loves me (says he) he seems to want me there for his reasons, not because i'm the wonderful person I am (says me!) He wants me to serve his needs and desires, but if I asked him to even brush my hair it was the end of the world!

Sadly, I hope he does replace me, then maybe he will stop trying to get me to come back!

[mrshambles]

I wasn't nervous when I was in it. I was paranoid as heck, always looking for "cookie crumbs" that she left behind that would lead me to the new messed up thing she did. I am

NOW. Mostly because the horror stories I've read in here and knowing I'll probably always be put on her "people to recycle" shelf.

[Elpis]

mrshambles, that does sound frightening, wondering always what you would find! What sort of things did she do?

[mrshambles]

Oh just the same stuff you read around here. Spent money impulsively, gambled, signed up for dating sites, belittled me, cheated, we broke up prolly 10-15 times in 4 1/2 years. One day I'm the man she is way in love with, the next I get the "I haven't you in a long time" speech. Some days she knows something is wrong, some days she tries so say it was me (as codependent I do realize I played my own role in this). I dunno. I'm doing pretty well. It's just 1) it's hard to watch someone you loved struggle like that and 2) it's hard when someone you felt so close to treat you like a total stranger... .Then they mirror someone else and you are just sitting there scratching your head thinking "where is the girl I was with all that time?"

[mrshambles]

I think in the end, the reason why so many of us have such a hard time, is because we try so hard to bend our brains to make sense of it all... .To understand them. Guess what? The brain isn't supposed to be bent like that in the first place. That's we struggle and they skip off into a field of flowers. I know a lot of people say "well imagine all the grief, pain, etc they have." They don't. It the felt it, they wouldn't be disordered. That's whole point in why they act like they do. So they DONT have to deal. Yes, in the grand scheme of things they ultimately will suffer the most. But right now in the moment? Naw. I saw my expwBPD cry twice in 4 1/2 year.

[Targeted]

I'm with you here Mrshambles,

Our relationship was definitely special to her and I know she did love me but BPD won!

I can always tell when she signed up for a dating site because she would ask me if I was talking to somebody else, when I caught onto this it was kind of ridiculous, I proved myself right though, she would always go to my phone looking for evidence of cheating which was never there but then she would ask are you talking to somebody else?  And I would just go on a dating site and search her screen name and there she was! She eventually got smart and changed her screen name but I knew she was on there because she asked me if I was talking to somebody else. I could not find her so I did a different search and there she was with her new screen name.  Her money spending was ridiculous, she would tell me her account is low and needs me to put money in it and then comes home with a $400 cat. So many other stupid things with money, just like you I always wondered what I was going to find out next.

[Targeted]

Just missed your last post but I think that is correct too.  If they really felt the pain that they put us through they would probably want to get the help that we wanted them to get.

[clydegriffith]

Oh just the same stuff you read around here. Spent money impulsively, gambled, signed up for dating sites, belittled me, cheated, we broke up prolly 10-15 times in 4 1/2 years. One day I'm the man she is way in love with, the next I get the "I haven't you in a long time" speech. Some days she knows something is wrong, some days she tries so say it was me (as codependent I do realize I played my own role in this). I dunno. I'm doing pretty well. It's just 1) it's hard to watch someone you loved struggle like that and 2) it's hard when someone you felt so close to treat you like a total stranger... .Then they mirror someone else and you are just sitting there scratching your head thinking "where is the girl I was with all that time?"

That's a pretty accurate description of the situation i was in as well.

[Hadlee]

2) it's hard when someone you felt so close to treat you like a total stranger... .Then they mirror someone else and you are just sitting there scratching your head thinking "where is the girl I was with all that time?"

I have faced that in recent months with my BPD friend.  Now that I understand what mirroring is I am aware of what is happening.  It still doesn't make it any easier to watch it in action though.  The one consolation I can take from this is the guy she is now mirroring is an absolute pric$  I find comfort in knowing how unhappy, angry and arrogant the shiny new toy is hahahahaha.  To top it off I had a mutual friend tell me how much he thinks she has changed in a negative way since breaking up with her bf 2 months ago.

Hoping she firmly attaches herself to him and she leaves me alone

[Elpis]

Yikes guys!

As far as I know my uBPDh never actually pursued other women, though he was quite a flirt and there was at least one woman at church who believed he was into her. He always acted so innocent about those things and I believed him, but now I don't know... .

His money spending on the other hand was always puzzling to me. He felt he "deserved" to have things because he worked so hard, so he'd buy sound systems and a boom box and whatever latest offering Apple had... .and one of the last big purchases when I was still at home was 5000 dollars worth of leather reclining couches because he deserved to be comfortable. That was one of the many purchases where I had to just agree if I didn't want to fight forever and hear how little I respected and loved him. If I would suggest that we save up the money for a big purchase he would have an absolute fit! A tantrum to end all tantrums where I would end up feeling really torn and guilty--that's the base of this all, isn't it, that we know something is so off about their thinking but sometimes it just isn't worth the fight and the tantrum and the cold war that followed if we didn't comply.

The couch thing was hard for me--I haven't worked outside the home since 2002, and even before that I was mostly a stay at home mom and did foster care for a decade too. When I got disability I got a lump sum backpay for the duration of the 3 years it took to get it through. I spent a huge chunk of that on the couches we had before the leather ones, and while they may not have been ideal we did pick them out together. They were only a few years old and we'd had some problems and service calls on them, but I had spent $3500 on them. And then he just decides we're getting rid of them! And it's not the first time he's done that with furniture I've picked out. But to so casually dump that amount of money made me crazy! And to have the new couches go on credit cards when we already had debt made me crazier. There was so much talk of being more responsible with the money, but if he wanted something he'd just get it.

Hmmm... .looks like the money thing really bothered me!

I think the disrespect of what they are willing to do to us is what's so untenable. All those things any of us have mentioned just show how little regard there was of our feelings or even our possessions. My h was using an antique nightstand I had bought and just decided one day that he was tired of losing the remote and drilled a hole in the side so he could mount the remote holder there! GAAAAHHHHH

Phew. Quite the little rant I just had there.

Oh well, at least the couches I bought are in use in our daughter and her family's house. One consolation.

[Elpis]

Hadlee, I like that idea of hoping your pwBPD attaches tightly to the new friend! I can only pray that direction for my uBPDh!

[Hadlee]

Let's pray together Elpis xo

[billypilgrim]

mrshambles - it is very weird.  And obviously I'm still coming out of the fog because this thread reminded me of something she said a few times after she left.  "We should still get together so that our dogs can see each other."  I just remember being so dumbfounded by that.  Why the heck would I want to see her just so that our dogs can sniff butts?  Nothing about any of this makes sense.  

And Elpis - yes.  I was nervous a lot around her.  Especially in very public/open settings.  I never knew what to expect.  What comments she would make.  What kind of mood she would be in.  How she would react if she wasn't having a good time.  It's amazing how much more calm I have been since she left.  That should really tell me all I need to know.

[Elpis]

Let's pray together Elpis xo

YES INDEED!

And Elpis - yes.  I was nervous a lot around her.  Especially in very public/open settings.  I never knew what to expect.  What comments she would make.  What kind of mood she would be in.  How she would react if she wasn't having a good time.  It's amazing how much more calm I have been since she left.  That should really tell me all I need to know.

That is some good truth! i'm so calm right now knowing I don't have to see my uBPDh on Christmas, that i'm going to have lunch with friends who I can chat and laugh with and who won't find something I said so awful that they need to use me for an emotional punching bag... .

[parisian]

Spent thousands on DVDs and other 'stuff'.

Pack 2 x unused cans of soup in luggage, to bring home on an international flight from vacation.

[parisian]

And Elpis - yes.  I was nervous a lot around her.  Especially in very public/open settings.  I never knew what to expect.  What comments she would make.  What kind of mood she would be in.  How she would react if she wasn't having a good time.  It's amazing how much more calm I have been since she left.  That should really tell me all I need to know.

The 'walking on eggshells' analogy is so true. That awful gut knot and nervousness, waiting and hoping she would be okay. And the relief once it's over.

[Elpis]

Things could change so unbelievably fast, from what seemed a "normal" mood to a paranoid, suspicious, angry mood. That I do not miss!

[going places]

":)o you want to come over on Christmas Eve and help me wrap presents and stay so you can be there when the kids open them? You can sleep on one of their beds or the couch. Just thought you might want to do that (not me trying to get you back.) the kids would enjoy it." Do they not realize this isn't normal?

It 'looks' so sweet and caring and loving... .

BUT if ONE THING goes wrong?

YOU will be the grim reaper, the grinch that stole xmas, etc.

My exh thought it was gonna be ok for him to live here, while we were divorced and he was seeing someone else, until the house sold. Just couldn't understand why that bothered me so much.

For real.

That's just ate up.

[mrshambles]

Yeah... .I went. It was an emotional nightmare for me. Enjoyed the kids though. My step daughters missed me like crazy. I prolly got like 40 hugs . But the ex? Just told me over and over how she was over everything and indifferent to

me after only being out 1 month after 4 1/2 years. Ouch.

[Elpis]

Well, I don't think pwBPD are known for their great sense of the social graces... . 

[Infared]

":)o you want to come over on Christmas Eve and help me wrap presents and stay so you can be there when the kids open them? You can sleep on one of their beds or the couch. Just thought you might want to do that (not me trying to get you back.) the kids would enjoy it." Do they not realize this isn't normal?

Not only is that suggestion not taking your feelings into account Think of what a mix message that that sends to the kids? 

The self-centeredness is always overwhelming.