Wanting to forgive myself for letting myself down

[jjclark]

Hello there,

First off I want to thank everyone who posts here. Although I haven't posted much I have read often and there's been moments where this site helped me out of the whirlpool of my mind. 

In March 2014, a relationship I shared with a person living with BPD ended (it ended many times but that was the closing chapter).  The relationship itself was a mind___, I thought I was bulletproof or something at the time and felt like I could handle a woman with a bit more character (she had a lot of that, which at first I saw as strength).  I don't need to tell you how head over heels I went for this person, if you're on here you probably know how it goes. 

We were together for the better part of 15 months, it was very intense and quite believable for the most part.

I am going on 11 months out, and although I feel I have made significant progress there are still moments where I feel some kind of pain.  No part of me wants to be with her again, but there is something in me that hurts and I am not sure where it is from.  Sometimes I feel as though it is plain old resentment welling up. I haven't been able to shake it out of me yet, I often feel like I resent myself for not listening to myself more than I did.  I listened to her instead. 

The FOG was strong in that one. 

What does it mean when I have difficulty forgiving myself to myself.  It seems to be the missing link to the solution, for me anyways.  It is as though I have forgiven her but haven't been able to forgive me.  Why am I doing this to myself and how do I fix it? 

So far I have found mother nature's embrace to be most soothing, but eventually I get back to the hustle and bustle of the city for work and "real life" and I am back to ruminating on this. 

Thoughts?

Thank you.

[peace28]

Hang in there, what happened in the relationship?  How did it end?

[jjclark]

Peace, thanks for the reply. 

She left when I told her I really wanted to believe her but I wasn't able to anymore.  I was hoping that maybe we could have talked about the obstacles, but she seemed very offended by what I said despite me having good and reasonable reasons to say what I told her.  I told her that because I wanted to make the relationship better again. I'm an idiot.

I am not use to people acting this way, I know more now and that is good.

[jjclark]

I am okay for the most part, I just have these moments where I beat myself up for letting it go that far and then feeling crappy about it.  She blamed me for so much of her flaws, like failing grades in school and all. I took that really hard, but she is still failing school and I am not in the picture anymore. How she would belittle me, never take me out in public like I was something to be ashamed of, disappearing at times when I had planned things that I felt were romantic and healthy and not contacting me for weeks on end with me not getting angry with her but worrying a lot about her welfare.   I think to me that was a big eye opener on how I need to stop treating myself this way.  I feel like the resentment has become habitual, a habit that I need to kick because it is quite toxic.  

I should add that a few weeks after she left, she decided to get a job at the place where I have been employed for the last 5 years.  I see her a few hours a week, in passing.  I stay polite, sometimes she blurts out some drama that is unfolding in her life.  I really don't want to hear it, and I can see her role in these situations usually.  That is probably contributing to my challenges.

[peace28]

Well jjclark, you are in the right place to vent your frustrations.  First off, Her blaming you for all her problems is based off her projecting.  She was able to turn your strenghts into weaknesses.  I felt just like you. "How did I allow this to happen?" They are really good at infiltrating your vulnerabilities and using them against you.  Once you realize that this was a learning tool in your life and nothing more, you will learn to forgive yourself and move on.  You will be stronger in the end for it, and she will just be more of the same.  Hang in there buddy, we are all here for you. 

[paperlung]

My relationship officially ended in March 2013. It ended a handful of times before that as well.

Mind was a complete mind___ too. By the time it ended, I was experiencing many different emotions, but I think the most prominent one was anger. The anger was more so directed at myself, though. I was mad that I played into her games for so long. There were many times I should've said goodbye, but I stuck around hoping things would get better if she just got help.

[jhkbuzz]

I am going on 11 months out, and although I feel I have made significant progress there are still moments where I feel some kind of pain.  No part of me wants to be with her again, but there is something in me that hurts and I am not sure where it is from.

What does it mean when I have difficulty forgiving myself to myself.  It seems to be the missing link to the solution, for me anyways.  It is as though I have forgiven her but haven't been able to forgive me.  Why am I doing this to myself and how do I fix it?

Yeah... .that.    Working on it right now with a T - do you have one?  

As you read more and more about BPD from the non's perspective, you learn that your partner has often kicked up lots of "stuff" from your own childhood - some of your early wounds may have been reopened. That may be the "hurt" you can't pinpoint, and it helps to hash it out with a T.

[jjclark]

Thank you for your replies.  It is good to know I am not alone. 

jhkbuzz:  I saw a T for a few months right after it happened.  I knew what was coming, I knew I would have a hard time hacking my way out of the weeds.  It helped me reconcile my logic with my emotions. It is a work in progress still, good tools to have.

Paperlung:  What helped you get through it?

It's a strange thing, I feel like I was a strong and independent young man before this happened.  Now I get vicious bouts of anxiety, with my brain kicking into "What the heck do I do?" mode whenever I see a blonde lady in a dark winter coat at the mall.  And there are a lot of those!  I doubt most people that are not close friends of mine where I use to be so open and kind.  I go out of my way to be alone and away from people sometimes, birding has helped with that and I question whether I am really trying to stare at wildlife or if it is just a comfort thing. 

Probably time to see a T again... .