better in lots of ways but still struggling with feelings/frustration

[Treece]

Hi

not sure if I just need to vent or whether any one has any advice.

Since reading everything I can find about BPD I have been able to understand and put a lot of things into practice which is helping a lot. Still a heck of a way to go but hope at least.

I am understanding that this is him and he really is unlikely to change and I need to be the adult here and find ways to make things work. It has taken a while for me to give up wanting/ hoping expecting him to be different and instead start to change how I interact with him to get a better outcome. There was a part of me that resisted this for a while  saying but its him he is unreasonable a bully angry etc etc and its so unfair, but once I was able to see him as having difficulties and not just being horrible it was easier for me to let go and instead of endlessly trying to work out why things were happening, justify myself and avoid unfair blame, to just try to find ways to improve things.

I  have stopped looking for explanations, justice, whatever and just work at finding a path through the chaos to get a better outcome and things are getting easier.

It has been really hard for me to stop wanting to defend and explain but when I let go of needing to be right or needing things to be fair a lot of conflict can be avoided. It is hard frustrating and has me on my knees sometimes but if I can do it I do see results and things can improve so that keeps me trying.

So things are improving, we have good days and bad days and I do see that now the bad days could be avoided but for whatever reason I haven't kept to the plan and maybe let my own negative feelings  surface and get in the way and  I bite back a little.

My biggest problem at the moment is that I get upset stressed frustrated and feel unloved unwanted neglected etc and any attempt at getting him to listen to how I feel is met with anger and attack.  Most of the time I ignore my needs but every now and then I want to have some sign from him that he cares. I am not blaming him for how I feel and I am always careful to tell him that but if I get even close to trying to say how I feel he goes straight into attack mode and shuts me down.

The reason I try to tell him how I feel is out of a need for reassurance I guess but it just makes things 100 times worse. I really feel that sometimes I need to be heard too. Being unable to talk about my feelings is hard for me and the need to have him understand how I feel is sometimes a huge thing for me but I am beginning to realise that this is not going to happen. I wonder how other people cope ?

Do I just learn to do without any close communication unless its about his feelings, do I just swallow my feelings  - sometimes I know the resentment I feel doing this is like a hard physical lump. One part of me understands that he just cannot listen or try to understand my feelings. I can see that he perceives it as some kind of attack on him and he cannot deal with it but another part of me is so desperate to have some understanding from him that it feels like I cannot cope any more with such a one sided relationship.

thanks

Teresa

xx

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Treece!  So glad to hear that your relationship is better in a lot of ways   Struggling with feelings of frustration is part of the deal though... .  And it would be that way in any relationship (is that a silver lining? ), being in a relationship with a person with BPD simply makes it more so.  I don't know about you, but my patience has been put to the test on numerous occasions!

My biggest problem at the moment is that I get upset stressed frustrated and feel unloved unwanted neglected etc and any attempt at getting him to listen to how I feel is met with anger and attack.  Most of the time I ignore my needs but every now and then I want to have some sign from him that he cares. I am not blaming him for how I feel and I am always careful to tell him that but if I get even close to trying to say how I feel he goes straight into attack mode and shuts me down.

The reason I try to tell him how I feel is out of a need for reassurance I guess but it just makes things 100 times worse. I really feel that sometimes I need to be heard too. Being unable to talk about my feelings is hard for me and the need to have him understand how I feel is sometimes a huge thing for me but I am beginning to realise that this is not going to happen. I wonder how other people cope ?

Do I just learn to do without any close communication unless its about his feelings, do I just swallow my feelings  - sometimes I know the resentment I feel doing this is like a hard physical lump. One part of me understands that he just cannot listen or try to understand my feelings. I can see that he perceives it as some kind of attack on him and he cannot deal with it but another part of me is so desperate to have some understanding from him that it feels like I cannot cope any more with such a one sided relationship.

To answer your question... .No.  There are ways to communicate where we feel better having spoken our truth, getting our feelings out in the open and our partners feel heard and understood, too.

Have you had a chance to read through the Lessons over on the right side of this page? -------->

If so, great!  Now read them again   and again and again... .

Would you mind typing out a typical conversation where he feels attacked? 

Thanks, it's good to have you here!

[believer55]

Hi Treece - Thanks for starting this thread. I understand totally how you feel and today am suffering because I myself got angry after being called a slut and a ___ and feeling like I just didn't need to be called those names. I understand he does not mean those things and he is dysregulating about something entirely unrelated but yesterday I just snapped. We are in a relationship not only because we like to give and care, but we need those things as well. I am interested to hear from others how they deal with these needs not being met. How much do we need to push down inside to make sure our SO feels safe and vaildated. Hang in there and I will hang in there too!

[Cat Familiar]

My biggest problem at the moment is that I get upset stressed frustrated and feel unloved unwanted neglected etc and any attempt at getting him to listen to how I feel is met with anger and attack.  Most of the time I ignore my needs but every now and then I want to have some sign from him that he cares. I am not blaming him for how I feel and I am always careful to tell him that but if I get even close to trying to say how I feel he goes straight into attack mode and shuts me down.

The reason I try to tell him how I feel is out of a need for reassurance I guess but it just makes things 100 times worse. I really feel that sometimes I need to be heard too. Being unable to talk about my feelings is hard for me and the need to have him understand how I feel is sometimes a huge thing for me but I am beginning to realise that this is not going to happen. I wonder how other people cope ?

Do I just learn to do without any close communication unless its about his feelings, do I just swallow my feelings  - sometimes I know the resentment I feel doing this is like a hard physical lump. One part of me understands that he just cannot listen or try to understand my feelings. I can see that he perceives it as some kind of attack on him and he cannot deal with it but another part of me is so desperate to have some understanding from him that it feels like I cannot cope any more with such a one sided relationship.

I totally understand how you feel. It's so unfair always having to be the adult in what should be an equal relationship. And I too experience trying to share my reality getting turned into an attack on him. It's totally maddening.

Fortunately I have a couple of friends that have similar situations in their relationship and we can share these feelings of frustration and despair about our husbands. It really helps to know that someone understands.

And this site has been invaluable in that way too. We don't have to go into too much detail about the dynamics before we find others who've walked a similar path.

Like you, I've been implementing some of the strategies and have found success in alleviating some of the dysfunctional behavior. But it's galling to always be the one who carries the heavy weight in the relationship. But we chose to fall in love with people with mental illnesses for whatever reason and that's what we have to do as long as we continue to maintain the relationship. Not fun. Not fair. But reality.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Treece - Thanks for starting this thread. I understand totally how you feel and today am suffering because I myself got angry after being called a slut and a ___ and feeling like I just didn't need to be called those names. I understand he does not mean those things and he is dysregulating about something entirely unrelated but yesterday I just snapped. We are in a relationship not only because we like to give and care, but we need those things as well. I am interested to hear from others how they deal with these needs not being met. How much do we need to push down inside to make sure our SO feels safe and vaildated. Hang in there and I will hang in there too!

The other night I got a dose of F-yous and I told him that was unacceptable and left the room. I'm a bit slow on setting boundaries, but I'm going to continue trying to catch the verbal abuse before it gets going. No one should have to hear such unkindness from someone who is supposed to love us.  

We need to take care of ourselves and leave the room, the house, get in the car, whatever. Too bad if this triggers their abandonment fears. They need to learn to treat us kindly or have consequences.

[Treece]

thanks all for your replies  - it really helps not to feel so alone.

I have studied the lessons and every bit of info I can get my hands on. I don't think I will ever be able to cope completely with his total disregard of my feelings. If I even dip my toe in the water and he gets a hint that I might be talking about how I feel he gets angry, patronising, plain nasty. He will immediately tell me he is the one with issues, anxiety , he is the one suffering and the one who needs help, love and understanding. He accuses me of turning things around ?  and making it all about me. He accuses me of wanting attention when he is the one that needs it.  It is hopeless if I try to explain, calmly nicely and in a non accusing way, how I feel its like a brick wall goes up. He will even cover his ears and say stop stop stop.

A big problem at the moment is that anything less than 100% agreement with him is seen as me arguing /disagreeing with him and this makes him crazy.

But I am finding the more I avoid saying anything that might be felt by him to be me disagreeing with him the more he will see an argument in the most innocent things.

For example  yesterday we were talking about pubs in the area we are from, as a lot are closing down. I mentioned that I used to go to a particular bar and he said it was" full of rich asss" although he had never been in it. I used to go there a lot and said that" I didn't find that to be the case." it was just a conversation, friendly, not important, just my opinion that wasn't the same as his - that was enough for  him to say I was arguing with him and he immediately got angry, attacking me with sarcasm, rage and nasty comments.

I am afraid being at a low ebb anyway I was not able to deal with it very well.  I made the mistake of trying to defend my self and explain that I wasn't arguing but asking " surely I am allowed to have a different opinion ?" well apparently not as I was once again lectured on how our problems are all my fault because I argue and just don't know when to shut up.

So once again I am left feeling frustrated, abused and bruised. Unfortunately I have been crying today and this also makes him very angry. I am not allowed to cry in the house and have to go outside and cry where he doesn't know about it.

I cannot see how we can go on like this. I thought we were getting somewhere but now I am not so sure.  I really think  the only way we get through the day is if I look after him, anticipate his every need /mood, sooth him  and appease him.I have to just agree with everything he says no matter what, even if I am unfairly accused of things,and I have to accept that I am never to be allowed an opinion or feeling.  In return for me doing that I get a bit of quiet but nothing that resembles care love affection and I am getting more and more resentful. 

It doesn't help that we live a very isolated  rural life in a country that is not native to us. He doesn't like people so we do not see anyone. We have not been out for 4 years apart from to the supermarket and no one calls here. Lately I have been feeling that if anyone said anything nice to me I would run away with them!

But the support here really does help so thank you

xx

[Cat Familiar]

Treece, I have such a similar story with my BPDh.   

I'm starting to emerge from the grief and resentment after I realized that I will likely never get my needs met in the way that I had hoped and expected.

My H does so many of the same behaviors as your SO:

1. Talking about my feelings is seen as an attack or criticism of him

2. Same with disagreement even on trivial things

3. His feelings are paramount; mine are insignificant

We also live in an isolated rural area. Fortunately I'm able to get emotional support from my friends and cuddly emotional support from my animals.

Hugs to you