I thought we survived the day. Wrong, the worst is yet to come.

[Ripped Heart]

Today went better than expected to be honest. There were a few hiccups which I mentioned on an earlier post but as a whole, things went well up to her leaving for work.

Once she was out the house, her d20 broke down in tears. The events of the morning had a major impact on her and she just couldn't stay any more. We talked for a bit and it seems like Christmas has always been a disaster for as long as she can remember, not the bliss that gf has talked about on many occasions. The end result, her d20 decided she didn't want to be here when her mum got home from work so has gone back home 120 miles after she called boyfriend to pick her up.

Her youngest d17 has a friend around and contemplating going out tonight. She still lives at home but spends as much time away from the house where possible. Again, as a coping tactic against her own mum.

So that leaves me here, already had a blunt text to say not to bother with prepping things for tonight. D20 had called/text to tell her she was leaving so in her mind Christmas is ruined. Gf very self aware enough to blame herself for it all and with that comes a spiral that in some way, blame with be apportioned out. I know there will be resentment towards me because my kids got what they wanted for Xmas, I worked hard to do that for them. Ultimately I know tonight she will hate herself and as many of you know, its not nice to be around when that happens.

Sleeping tablets and alcohol seem to be her latest mix over the past couple of weeks and that's a worry to me also. I've also thought that maybe I should head home tonight too, partly because I know who is going to walk through the door and there is the element of fear waiting another hour for her to come home. Then on the other hand, given how she feels right now, I want to stay so she knows she hasn't been abandoned on Christmas Day, despite her moods driving everyone away. I just know that the everyone hates me and the Christmas was ruined speeches are coming despite it being a positive start this morning.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ripped Heart]

Just want to say merry Christmas and thank you to all the people on this site, both going through their own difficulties and those behind d the scene.

As predicted, gf came home in a foul mood and I bore some of the brunt of it. Following all the wonderful advice on the site and the tools, I listened and reassured her. When I went to give her a hug, that's when I got most of the backlash and part of the blame.

Instead of reacting, I calmly stood up and left the room, mainly to gather my thoughts but also to take a deep breath. Went back I to the room, switched the subject around to if there was anything she would like me to do, such as making something to eat or get her a drink.

Just been outside to put out the rubbish and she followed me. She wanted to apologise, explained why she was upset earlier, mentioned that she goes through the same thing every year which is why she doesn't like Christmas. She also explained that when she gets like this she feels "prickly" and that touching her when she feels this way brings bad thoughts.

I thanked her and explained that her thoughts and feelings are very important to me so thank you for taking the time to be open and share. We both went back inside and she is a very different person. I could see the tears welling whilst she was explaining to me which is how I know she does feel that pain. If we survive to next Christmas, all I want is to take her illness, even if for one day so she can have a happy day.

[JohnLove]

Hi Ripped Heart. I have been reading your posts. It is very sad how they tend to drive people away... .even their own family. These are the people that manipulation won't work on over time.

Christmas and holidays seem to be a very difficult time for some especially those with BPD. My BPDgf's D19 remarked only yesterday while trying to make light that Mum has never liked Christmas. She has her reasons but they're in the past. That is very sad. It "stops" her enjoyment now, no matter what is happening... .

My BPDgf is very affectionate (when she is without her BPD behaviours) and when she is having a moment and I attempt to comfort her physically she says she is feeling "irritated"... .which I believe coincides with your "prickly". It's the same feeling. Not one I entertain in myself.

I can see you both working through some stuff and her (limited) self awareness is still a GREAT thing. I see you disengaging her BPD behaviour. I see her reingage you in a positive healthy way. I see progress... .and that is a good for you both.

I found your closing comment particularily sweet. Good on you.

Merry Christmas to you.  

[Ripped Heart]

Hi John,

Many thanks for your response. It can be really frustrating at times especially during push/pull situations.

I left gfs house today while she was at work. She decided last night it would be better if I left today as she just wants to go to bed when she gets home from work and thinks it would be unfair on me just sitting around. I told her we had extreme weather moving in so it would be good to beat that anyway so I was perfectly fine with leaving.

Then last night she was a little cold and distant given she had tried to call her d20 but got no response. Seems anything I tried to do or say was met with push and when I stepped back out came pull. This morning she gave me the biggest hug she has in weeks thinking I was asleep before she set off for work.

I think now I just have to leave her get on with her own things. Given she needed me to leave last night, she followed that up with wanting to come over to mine this weekend. Right at the very beginning of our r/s she gave me a key to her house but I think was a little taken aback that I didn't reciprocate.

I'm not really in the habit of giving out keys to my place to people I've only known a couple of weeks. I know its been a sore point for her ever since. However, I've now given her her own set of keys. It also puts the ball back firmly in her court and also shows her that I care enough about her to want her in my life. My home is her home, though its been the cause of a number of rages. I deliberately didn't want to give her keys during those times so as not to set a president. I wanted to wait for a special moment so she could tie it to a special memory.

Likewise, she has been going on about marriage since almost the 1st week we met. That's going to be the next big thing to deal with again as I know that too plays on her mind. I just can't do that until things are on a good level and then we look and see where we go from there.