Can't Decide

[nowwhatz]

Hi Everyone.

Well I am starting to feel a little guilty about flitting in and out of this and the other forum complaining or proclaiming this or that in relation to my BPDgf.

I came very, very close to ending it for good a few days ago but just could not pull the proverbial trigger.

Went over the choosing a path sections... .the closer I got to actually ending it the more difficult it became. I made a list of the conventional reasons to break up with a gf, scaled them from 0 to 10 and averaged out the results to be about 60% in favor of breaking up.  Problem is the conventional reasons, I think, don't apply as much in  a BPD r/s.

I am prone to impulsive decisions and chose to wait a bit (till after Christmas) to decide.  Then yesterday I tried to contact the BPDgf by text and phone and got no reply.  This of course upset me as I thought she was starting her silent treatment again.  Later I was able to get her on the phone and found out she got hired at an actual good job and was working.

Then I felt an overwhelming relief that I hadn't "lost her" due to my impulsiveness and met up with her later on where we promised to try to lower the walls and start again. Today I am worried that I showed weakness and she will start up her old patterns again and hurt me. I admitted being a jerk but for good reason - not to let her hurt me.

I guess what it boils down to is that with the current state of my life I am willing to put up with a crappy r/s with a crappy gf and she is in the same boat... .until something better comes along, I suppose. I just can't take the loss and their will be no "just friends" deal... .not possible.

Thanks for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nowwhatz, Waiting "until something better comes along," as you put it, sounds like a lonely vigil.  Why do you feel guilty about posting on this forum?  What is wrong with expressing your thoughts and feelings?  (Nothing).  Ending it is hard, I agree, and maybe you're not ready to make that leap, which is OK.  In my view, it's not about trying to come up with some mathematical formula to show you what to do, it's about listening to your gut feelings and determining whether this r/s is right for you.  Only you can answer that question.  LuckyJim

[nowwhatz]

Hey nowwhatz, Waiting "until something better comes along," as you put it, sounds like a lonely vigil.  Why do you feel guilty about posting on this forum?  What is wrong with expressing your thoughts and feelings?  (Nothing).  Ending it is hard, I agree, and maybe you're not ready to make that leap, which is OK.  In my view, it's not about trying to come up with some mathematical formula to show you what to do, it's about listening to your gut feelings and determining whether this r/s is right for you.  Only you can answer that question.  LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim for the input!

Yes it is a lonely vigil.

I suppose I feel guilty about posting here because I have waffled along for 4 years and don't see myself as a good example to the other members.

Lucky Jim today, Christmas Eve, must be my Lucky Day.

Just got back from seeing the BPDgf and we mutually agreed to end the r/s as it unhealthy.

After 4 years of this hell I apparently am now the "unstable" one in the r/s, which helped end the r/s... .something I can perhaps expand on in the detaching board.

We both aired our greivances in a civil way and it seems to be truly over. There are a couple of loose ends I will need to take care of but I am pleasantly surprised how normal this break up was.

It remains to be seen how it will affect me in the coming days.  Wish me more Luck please!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nowwhatz, You've taken a major step towards more happiness, so give yourself credit.  Any b/u is hard, no doubt, and you should prepare yourself for some sort of boomerang from your BPDxGF.  In my view, most pwBPD are unwilling to make a clean break so be forewarned.  There's a good chance that your Ex will apply FOG to keep you on a string.  So stay on your path and be strong.  Good Luck!  LuckyJim

[cehlers55]

yeah man good for you. And good luck. I just broke up with my BPDWife and it's tough. Dont feel bad. You are a good guy. And i too felt impulsive. I think the impulse I was reacting to was my brain telling me to leave and my heart telling me to stay/work it out. Ultimately people like my wife just get worse and worse. Hopefully you dont have a kid together. My wife and i dont and i couldn't be happier about it.

What is FOG? I dont know but i'm guessing it is what i foresee my wife has probably been doing. Trying to get people "on her side" and making up false statements to disparage me. Make me look like the crazy one. Make me look bad/mean/hateful. And pry our mutual friends away from me.

The best man at my wedding just got engaged. He's a friend of my wife as well. I just found out about the engagement via facebook. Real nice man. I smell something afoul.