New here - sister with BPD traits

[Teacake]

Hello, I have been reading discussions on this site extensively over the last few days & I have found it incredibly helpful. One poster's description of their life with their BPD sister fits mine perfectly, and I wanted to weep with relief that I am not alone. She hasn't self harmed, and doesn't have drug or alcohol issues, but she ticks every other box.

I wonder if anyone is able to offer me some advice.  My sister is currently in hospital, following a psychotic episode in which she was violent towards her husband. I live abroad & too far away to visit, however my mother has flown over to give support. Her husband doesn't want her back, and understandably doesn't trust her with their children. He won't entertain the idea that she could have this illness and my sister has been told she likely has bipolar (I'm guessing she might have more than BPD). Is there any way we can get the doctors to reassess? Is there any way we can get her husband to consider she has BPD? As she is in hospital, it feels the perfect opportunity to finally get to the bottom of her behaviour  but we are a bit out of our depth with what to do and say.

Unfortunately due to her (what I believe) BPD traits, she's blamed my mum and me for most of the problems in her life,  and her husband has been quite happy to accept her version of events therefore our relationship with him isn't  great.

I want to contact my sister and offer my support, but I'm nervous what to say - I don't want to trivialise what she has done and enable her, but she's pretty good at convincing you she is right.

I also feel  sad & confused. Our relationship has been very up and (mainly down) since childhood, and I have tried non contact a couple of times due to the cruel and toxic things she has said and done, without having any idea what was wrong with her - I just thought she hated me.  But she is still my sister and I am worried she is going to end up with nothing if she isn't properly treated ... .She's so far from family support, her husband travels away regularly and seemed oblivious until this event (perhaps why they have lasted so long!).  Also, recently she contacted me, apologised (first time ever) for things shes said and done and explained she felt a constant emptiness, knew she pushed away those who loved her, and felt like she was unable to love or be loved. Is there any hope?

Thanks for reading - I'm sorry for the long rambling post.

[Kwamina]

Hi Teacake

Yes indeed, you aren't alone! Welcome to our online community  Many of our members have BPD family-members as well and will be able to relate to you. I myself also have an undiagnosed BPD sister and know how challenging that can be. I am happy that you've already found this site so helpful in the short time that you've been here

I am sorry to hear your sister is in hospital now. Has she experienced psychotic breaks before and/or been violent to her husband before?

You ask if there is any way to get her husband to consider she has BPD. Have you ever talked to him about your suspicions of your sister having BPD. Your sister has been told she's most likely bipolar. It isn't uncommon that people with BPD get misdiagnosed as bipolar. Another possibility is that your sister has both disorders. BPD is known to be comorbid with other mental and emotional issues. Perhaps you can use one of these angles, misdiagnoses or comorbidity, as an angle to discuss your concerns with her husband and/or doctors.

People with BPD tend to be very sensitive and volatile so I understand your apprehension for contacting your sister. It might help to take a look at some of the communication techniques described here. I think they might help you better communicate with her or at least decrease the chance of her getting triggered:

Communication Skills - Validation

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Dealing with the cruel things people with BPD say and do, can be very difficult. What I always try to keep in mind is that no matter what my BPD family-members say or do, it most likely isn't a true reflection of who I really am but more likely to be a reflection of their own inner turmoil and negativity that they are projecting unto me. This helps me not take their behavior (that) personally. Easier said that done of course, I realize that but I do find that it helps to keep repeating this to yourself and after awhile it did become easier for me to not take their behavior personally.

Also, recently she contacted me, apologised (first time ever) for things shes said and done and explained she felt a constant emptiness, knew she pushed away those who loved her, and felt like she was unable to love or be loved. Is there any hope?

There is! BPD is a very challenging disorder but there is hope. If a person with BPD fully acknowledges their issues and is willing to fully commit to better managing the disorder, it is possible for them to improve their behavior. Certain forms of therapy have been proven to be effective for people with BPD, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one of them. Have you heard of DBT before? You can read some more about it here:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

For this therapy to be successful it is essential that the participants fully acknowledge their issues and fully commit to working on them. Knowing that, I'd say it's encouraging that your sister recently contacted you and apologized, this shows she at least has some insight into her behavior and how this affects others. Has she ever apologized to you before and/or in any way seemed to acknowledge that their might be something wrong with her?

Take care and I hope your sister's situation will improve

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your sister. I would back up what the big blue bird says. But it's also worth noteing that Bi-polar, BPD and ADHD are often missdiagnoses for each other. So you could look to get a second oppinion.

But the good news is there is treatment for each of these. Best of luck.

[Teacake]

Thank you Kwamina and Happychapp for your replies 

Kwamina - I'm sorry that you have a uBPD sister too. Thank you for your advice to remind myself it's not personal, it's very hard when someone who is supposed to be close, supportive and want the best for you can be so cruel and seems to hate you... .Ive lost friends due to her lies and suffered with confidence and self esteem issues. Have you found some improvement in your relationship with your sister since you have changed how you deal with her? And did you need to work on yourself, and your feelings towards her before you could use these tools? It's so hard to change the dynamics of a relationship that goes back so far!

My sister has had psychosis once before (non violent) but it was put down to postnatal psychosis, she took meds and had some therapy and did seem much better, we actually got on quite well, however she hated being on the meds and got off them as soon as she could - once she was off them our relationship reverted.

She lives overseas now but visited last year - she raged at me, accused of some terrible things that simply weren't true and managed to ruin my child's birthday - it was at this point I said enough is enough and told her I couldn't go on with it, as I want to protect my daughter. My mother has a similar relationship with her sibling who possibly suffers with this and I finally had a lightbulb moment that I couldn't repeat this cycle. A few months ago, I received such a genuine apology - however reading through some of these posts, is this just what they do, when you cut them off they do appear genuinely sorry? Whenever I've stopped communicating before, she has got back in touch but never accepted any blame - this time seemed different, but the more I learn about the illness, the less hope there seems to be that they can change! I know she has therapy again, but I don't think it was intensive therapy.

I think her husband just wants out now, and isn't very receptive to what could be wrong. It's very sad because they have young children who are of course going to be affected too? However, my mother is hoping to see the doctor and she is arming herself with information, I have mentioned to her about dialectical behavior therapy - thank you - I will also mention to her about the BPD/ bi polar and adhd.

This forum is incredibly helpful, thank you so much