Trying To Be Empathetic, But Not Enabling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The kids' (S almost 5 and D2) is going overseas for a week and a half. It's a vacation thinly veiled as career enhacement. It's not affiliated her her job.

We stopped doing night calls at my behest when I saw it was starting to cause issues with the kids. We have an agreement that if the kids ask to call the OP that we will. 11 months separated, they've finally stopped asking to call me, which was every 1-2 weeks. They wanted to call her 3 times total, amd once was D2 triangulating, but I was so happy she wanted to call that we did.

Last weekend, she asked me to take the kids fir an extra night. No problem. She got on her haunches and asked both kids several times, "call me, ok? I want you to call me." I had them Thursday night, and then my weekend through Monday morning. They never asked.

Tonight I was happy that they wanted to go with her.she asked me to email her my Skype ID. I said I didn't Skype. I have a thing against it because she was always skyping with the homewrecker for the 4 months she still lived with me. I even called her out on it one night, since the new pc I got was for her to take night classes. She said that she wouldn't do something like that to me (perhaps I was being controlling, but it was an emotional time). Many night, she would rush to give me the baby, and I put the kids to bed probably 9/10 nights, saying their prayers, singing their songs. One night, she got very mad at D1 and handed her to me roughly. Rushed into the spare room to skype on her phone. I was sleeping in the kids' room in those days on the extra bed. That's a sample of what I remember.

I told her tonight, "No. It's your choice to go on this trip." Am I being unessecarily unreasonable and emotional? I think the kids would be cool with it if they saw their mom, but I doubt they'll ask. Maybe I can tel, her tomorrow, "if it's within 3 days of you coming back and they ask to call, I'll set up an account and email you. Truthfully, I see this as little different than the abandoned nightly calls. There is nothing in the stipulation about this.

I feel that she is making the kids responsible her her feelings, once again. The night before Thanksgiving, we had verbally agreed (despite a chain of emails stating otherwise) that she could get the kids that night, and thanksgiving day. I voluntarily gave them up so they could spend it with her family because I had nothing planned and no invites. She called me, kind of crying, "I was really looking forward to seeing them tonight *sniff* I had a really hard day at work *sniff*" I ran this by the T a week later, as I went to see him to discuss S4's inattentiveness issues in school. He said, "that's not good. The children aren't responsible for her feelings."

She knows her mom Parentified her, and has resentment about her "lost childhood." Yet tonight, she also asked me to bring the kids to her mom's so she could take them to a local kid place. I said we'd be out of town, but that I told her brother to tell her mom that we would stop by on new year's. FWIW, Monday and Tuesday are legally my days. I'm taking time off work the whole time my Ex is gone. I am letting her have them on the 8th when she comes back, which is my last day before the weekend. She comes back very late on the 7th. She asked me a while back because, "you'll have had them for ten days." I think that is a reasonable mercy on my part. I'm going back to work that day anyway, and her mom would normally watch them.

[Turkish]

The kids' (S almost 5 and D2) is going overseas for a week and a half. It's a vacation thinly veiled as career enhacement. It's not affiliated her her job.

We stopped doing night calls at my behest when I saw it was starting to cause issues with the kids. We have an agreement that if the kids ask to call the OP that we will. 11 months separated, they've finally stopped asking to call me, which was every 1-2 weeks. They wanted to call her 3 times total, amd once was D2 triangulating, but I was so happy she wanted to call that we did.

Last weekend, she asked me to take the kids fir an extra night. No problem. She got on her haunches and asked both kids several times, "call me, ok? I want you to call me." I had them Thursday night, and then my weekend through Monday morning. They never asked.

Tonight I was happy that they wanted to go with her.she asked me to email her my Skype ID. I said I didn't Skype. I have a thing against it because she was always skyping with the homewrecker for the 4 months she still lived with me. I even called her out on it one night, since the new pc I got was for her to take night classes. She said that she wouldn't do something like that to me (perhaps I was being controlling, but it was an emotional time). Many night, she would rush to give me the baby, and I put the kids to bed probably 9/10 nights, saying their prayers, singing their songs. One night, she got very mad at D1 and handed her to me roughly. Rushed into the spare room to skype on her phone. I was sleeping in the kids' room in those days on the extra bed. That's a sample of what I remember.

I told her tonight, "No. It's your choice to go on this trip." Am I being unessecarily unreasonable and emotional? I think the kids would be cool with it if they saw their mom, but I doubt they'll ask. Maybe I can tel, her tomorrow, "if it's within 3 days of you coming back and they ask to call, I'll set up an account and email you. Truthfully, I see this as little different than the abandoned nightly calls. There is nothing in the stipulation about this.

I feel that she is making the kids responsible her her feelings, once again. The night before Thanksgiving, we had verbally agreed (despite a chain of emails stating otherwise) that she could get the kids that night, and thanksgiving day. I voluntarily gave them up so they could spend it with her family because I had nothing planned and no invites. She called me, kind of crying, "I was really looking forward to seeing them tonight *sniff* I had a really hard day at work *sniff*" I ran this by the T a week later, as I went to see him to discuss S4's inattentiveness issues in school. He said, "that's not good. The children aren't responsible for her feelings."

She knows her mom Parentified her, and has resentment about her "lost childhood." Yet tonight, she also asked me to bring the kids to her mom's so she could take them to a local kid place. I said we'd be out of town, but that I told her brother to tell her mom that we would stop by on new year's. FWIW, Monday and Tuesday are legally my days. I'm taking time off work the whole time my Ex is gone. I am letting her have them on the 8th when she comes back, which is my last day before the weekend. She comes back very late on the 7th. She asked me a while back because, "you'll have had them for ten days." I think that is a reasonable mercy on my part. I'm going back to work that day anyway, and her mom would normally watch them.

[Nope]

Ugh. The skype issue has come up in our house, but the kids are older. I completely agree that it's in the best interests of your long-term sanity that skype doesn't become an option. If it isnt in the parenting plan then don't make the mistake of creating yet another BPD entitlement.

In my case, we are mandated to have the kids call three times a week, plus return her calls when she leaves a message and let the kids call up to once a day if they want to. She is also allowed up to a half hour of texting daily. When she texts and the kids don't text her back she jumps down their throats with guilt and anger for not looking at their phone. So A) I don't want them also in a position to get guilted and raged at because they didn't feel like skyping wherever she gets it in her head that they should. B) In a way I feel like this lets their BPD mom in our house. We are in no way legally allowed to monitor their interactions with their mom. What if we're downstairs in the TV room and she demands that one of the kids (especially enmeshed D11) show her our bedroom? Yes, the BPD is that level of boundary-shattering that could happen.

So, I guers I'm just saying you need to decide if you want to open the can of worms. It sounds like you and your ex have exchanges frequently enough that there probably isn't any appreciable benefit to skype. From your post it certainly sounds like it's about her needs and not the kids.

[Turkish]

Not creating an entitlement is right. She wanted to skype with the kids when she mved out, even though the longest she doesn't see them is for 3 days on my weekends. We're on a 3-2-2-3 schedule, the threes being Friday night until Monday morning. I said no then, and I stopped the nightly calls months later.

I got the kids tonight for the next 11 days. D2 has an ear infection. We got antibiotics this evening. The doc said she was ok except for that. Their mom said she was gong to cancel her trip if D2 was really sick, yet she was strabgely non chalant saying goodbye to them as we laded them into the car at the hospital. I said I'd email her how D2 was Monday. She said she'd call. I'll, accept the call (her $ from the EU to the US). I think that's right, especially since D2 is sick, though nothing serious. She didn't mention Skype again, so my firm boundary last night worked, though perhaps I shouldn't have told her in front of the kids, "I don't do skype. It's your choice to go on this trip." She didn't reply to that, which I took as tacit acknowledgement of my boundary. I always had an issue with standing up to her in our r/s, but am doing much better out of it, even if I'm still asking questions and seeking advice.

[livednlearned]

I don't think Skype works all that well for young kids anyway. Talking on the phone is awkward for lots of kids up to the teen years, and then it changes for different reasons (more interest in peers).

Skype or Google Hangout calls are invasive in ways that phone calls are not, and that kind of communication crosses boundaries even when it's someone who doesn't have boundary issues. Of all the low-level yet major frustrations I had with N/BPDx, the Skype/communication took the cake. He could see into my home, and eventually we worked out it out that S13 could take his calls in his room. We had to come up with so many weird accommodations just to deal with the boundary issues. I'm with Nope, if you can avoid having Skype be a part of your custody stuff, do it.

It's ok if your kids miss you, or miss her, and they can't communicate with the other parent. It's ok to be sad, and then feel those feelings, and move on.

[Turkish]

She had a layover in NY before her trans-Atlantic flight. I missed her call, but called her back. Technically, today is her day. Kids didn't really want to talk. We were playing at a park. D2 saw her contact pic, did want to call. S4 finally came over and said a few words after saying he didn't want to talk to her. They're little kids. This is why I stopped the nightly calls when summer started, because I got the feeling we were invalidating them. This is despite D2 repeatedly asking her to call me for many months afterward, about twice a month.

She said she would call tomorrow. I said we'd be traveling, and sometimes out of cell service in the mountains. I told her to call me Wed when we'll be at her parents' house in the early evening (I'm not staying until midnight, so she'll have to stay up and deal with being 9 hours ahead). This is for her anyway. Though I respect a mother's need to talk to her children, her leaving was a choice, as is this trip. I did text her a pic of the kids at church today. She thanked me. She can check her brother's FB when she gets back to see what we did while she was gine. I plan on taking off out of town the weekend she comes back so realistically, I may not see her for 3 more weeks. I may anticipate a call when she gets back if she has issues with the kids. She's called me before due to that, most notably when the kids were rebelling against her when she brought the homewrecker into their lives too soon. If that comes, I'll deal with it then. seT, or was it all T then? She knew she messed that up, even if I got the feeling she didn't truly empathize with the kids.

Thanks for the input on Skype. I'll report back on what the T says when he calls me back, though it won't change my mind about it. No Skype. Neither I, nor certainly the kids, are responsible for her emotions.

[livednlearned]

Neither I, nor certainly the kids, are responsible for her emotions.

I think talking on the phone when the kids are that young is mostly about the parent. Even when I was married to N/BPDx, and happened to be traveling, I wanted to talk to S on the phone (ages 4-9), and it was just a few words, then back to what he was doing in the here and now.