How to handle their compulsive talking

[shatra]

Hi---

  I'm feeling aggravated in advance of a holiday event. I'll be around the BPD, and I find that especially in a big crowd they talk too much. For example, rambling on and on, interrupting me and others constantly, including way too many details, and taking 15 sentences to say what can be said in 2 sentences.  I know this bothers not only me but others who will be there.

   I am wondering:

1) how I can cope with my feeling of anger and feeling overshadowed/dominated

2) how to politely but assertively deal with a big talker (especially in front of other people)?

   I realize I can't control him... .my goal is to feel better about it, and to have a plan/strategy to speak up when he goes on and on and on and on and... .

Thank you

Shatra

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[Ripped Heart]

Hi Shatra,

Feelings of aggravation in anticipation of an event is perfectly reasonable, especially if you are aware of the repeated pattern. Like you, I get aggravated in advance of any function I attend where BPDgf is invited too. When she is nervous, she can be loud, almost insulting, derogatory to others and a complete lack of filter to the point of either deciding not to take her with me or worrying about what she will say to whom.

In terms of your questions. I have one for you, what kind of outcome have you had previously around events if you have communicated your feelings to your pwBPD?

I've explained to mine in the past that these events are very important to me and that I appreciate the effort she is putting in to attend with me. I've found the more secure she feels, the less nervous she is and the more she focuses on her own behaviour.

Likewise, if I notice that she is going slightly off course, I'll make introductions to others with her based on some of her interests and then excuse myself while I go say hello to someone else, or ask if she would like a drink and go to the bar. That way I'm stigmatising her and she can see where I am at all times.

As you say, you can't control others but you can control your own level of interaction. and take that step back.

A prime example was from a Christmas function we attended earlier in the month. The conversation was around children and she mentioned her D17 who was at home throwing a party of her own with some friends. She then went on to mention about D17 going out drinking in town every weekend and that since things have become a lot stricter, she has been running out to pick up fake ID for D17. Only issue is that my friend she was telling is a Police Officer. So I just made polite mention to his job and she decided she had said enough.

Only then for her to tell another friend of mine about this encounter and that she was found herself telling a Police Officer about obtaining fake ID's for her D17 to go out drinking with. Only this friend too is a Police Officer.

At that point, I made light of the situation and said before she found herself in an even deeper hole, it was worth mentioning that a good number of people at the function were Police officers too. After that, she was very careful about what she said to who and chose her conversations wisely.

There is no real hard and fast rule, as I say, the only thing you can do is control your actions and the best way I find to do that is to step away when things start to feel a little overwhelming or you start to feel yourself getting annoyed.

[shatra]

Thanks--that is a good suggestion.  I can take a step away and move to another area of the room when I feel overwhelmed.  If he keeps talking and wants to follow me outside, I can say "No, I'm gonna go alone. See you later". 

  I'm not sure how to handle the person babbling on and on and on. Or how to handle their interrupting me when I finally have the chance to speak up. I feel invaded and controlled, as well as aggravated!

Thank you,

Shatra

[ColdEthyl]

Thanks--that is a good suggestion.  I can take a step away and move to another area of the room when I feel overwhelmed.  If he keeps talking and wants to follow me outside, I can say "No, I'm gonna go alone. See you later". 

  I'm not sure how to handle the person babbling on and on and on. Or how to handle their interrupting me when I finally have the chance to speak up. I feel invaded and controlled, as well as aggravated!

Thank you,

Shatra

I don't know, either. My husband does this and if he's in a mood or tear about something, he can talk for hours at a time, repeating the same information over and over. It's like his head gets stuck in a loop for a little bit.

He usually pretty good in public, though he does dominate conversation, and can come across as a "know-it-all".

[shatra]

Yes, I find the repetition irritates me. I feel like saying "We don't need to hear every thought that goes thru your mind". I wonder is SET would help

S  I want to have a nice 2-way conversation at the party today

E  I understand that you feel you have a lot to say

T  I need to clear my mind out at times and not just listen. I also would like to talk more at times

Shatra

[waverider]

It is nerves, they are trying to impress and end up going into too much information

It irritates you all the more as you are familiar with the pattern, like watching the same soapie episode on repeat. Others will not pick it up to the same extent, and they will drift away if it bugs them. I would suggest you do the same, leave him to it and go talk to someone else.

Trying to restrict him will either make him worse, or make an issue of it later, or even cause him even more insecurity so that he avoids social interactions causing yourself to become isolated.

[shatra]

You are right---it is caused by nervousness. I can drift off and talk to someone else, as you suggested.  I am nervous myself-----I will be stuck with him the whole drive there and back, and I really want to clear my mind, not just sit mutely and listen to him talk on and on and on and... .

-----I wonder is there a way to be assertive without restricting him, as you indicated?

----When I am alone with him and feel overwhelmed by all his talking, I feel like I am enabling, or contributing to the problem, by just sitting and absorbing it,plus I am not taking care of myself well if I just sit feeling upset by what someone is doing, without speaking up about it

Shatra

[mssalty]

I've noticed that my SO is constantly providing extra chatter to justify whatever it is they are doing or saying, regardless of the situation.   It's as though the defense mechanism is always working.   I think it wears me out because I'm always trying to figure out what I've said that triggered the conversation.   

[AnnaK]

I know the pattern, but it does not irritate me. I feel like he is acting on stage. And he is good at it.

At worst, I feel like giggling from how people listen to him.

[waverider]

In a way it is their version of JADE.

If you can engage and help redirect it will help if avoiding it altogether is not possible. Keep in mind it is a need to "talk" they are experiencing rather than "communicating". Often subject matter is not that important. They just need an outlet for over enthusiasm

Staying passive and "enduring" is indeed enabling and makes you feel miserable for it.

[ColdEthyl]

I've noticed I can stop the loop sometimes if I validate his feelings on whatever the topic is. It sounds stupid... .but repeating what he said to me to him can stop the loop. Example:

Him: "This show is a good show because this character said this... .but meant that. They really meant that."

Me: "Yep you are so right. I like this show because this character said this. I think you are right when you said they meant that."

I don't go flat out lying to him. If I disagree with his stance, but it's a battle not worth fighting, I'd change my response this way:

"I like this show because of that character. I can see why you think when they said this they meant that."

I am not saying he's wrong for thinking what he thinks. I'm not saying I agree, I'm only validating his thoughts on it.