winning back a cluster b ?

[dobie]

OK my fiance split me black three months ago , she has strong cluster b traits esp BPD/PPD ...

I have been NC for last three weeks and have only heard from her to discuss "business"

When I did speak to her a month ago she said she was "giving me space" and wanted me to be OK with everything find a new GF and move on.

Xmass day she sent me a text "hoping you had a nice xmass x "

As I deleted her number I didn't realise it was her so said "who's this"

She replied with "very immature" so I left it at that .

I heard NC is the best way to let them come back but as she is a very controlling person would it be better to mirror what she wants I.e

Thanks for xmass msg , I've been giving you space to heal up hope your well ?

Been thinking and what you said is right "we are not right for each other " and I want to try new things in life and meet new people as well , take care

The problem is I still very much miss/love her but I'm also extremely angry/hurt by the damage she did post BU and her utter lack of remorse / compassion or any sense of guilt or blame .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Siamese Rescue]

i have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say I can relate to how you feel about wanting her back. I recently cracked after all the lying from my uBPDbf  and did something that has caused him to break up with me. Like you, I want him back. During this latest incident I have been calling him and trying to keep communication open.  A year and a half ago, when he broke up with me I successfully did NC and within two weeks he was asking family members about me. Three months later we got back together but it was because I was firm in NC. He would have people tell me he missed me and I never replied or sent a message back.

I don't know what to do this time.

You mention that the best way is NC to let them come back to you - are you able to elaborate on that? I'm sincerely curious if you have more information on that and why it is effective.

finally, my boyfriend also has no remorse or guilt or any emotion about his chronic lying and cheating, damage he's caused, etc.  Yet I still miss his company and the good times we have had. It sucks and it's painful.

[dobie]

i have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say I can relate to how you feel about wanting her back. I recently cracked after all the lying from my uBPDbf  and did something that has caused him to break up with me. Like you, I want him back. During this latest incident I have been calling him and trying to keep communication open.  A year and a half ago, when he broke up with me I successfully did NC and within two weeks he was asking family members about me. Three months later we got back together but it was because I was firm in NC. He would have people tell me he missed me and I never replied or sent a message back.

I don't know what to do this time.

You mention that the best way is NC to let them come back to you - are you able to elaborate on that? I'm sincerely curious if you have more information on that and why it is effective.

finally, my boyfriend also has no remorse or guilt or any emotion about his chronic lying and cheating, damage he's caused, etc.  Yet I still miss his company and the good times we have had. It sucks and it's painful.

I've just read it here and there that NC sends a strong message of strength and of course reinforces abondment fears ... .Hence some reach out ... Seems like it depends on your pwBPD

Don't think there are any hard and fast rules , why don't u just do what u did last time I.e NC

[KeepOnGoing]

Dobie,

First, if you do reach out again, at least be honest and explain that you deleted her number, and why. That would explain the "who's this" response.

Next, my friend with BPD was happy to see me recently, but there has been no reconciliation on either of our parts... .in the normal sense. My showng up at church knowing I might run into her might be considered a reconciliation, but I am very cautious.

If you want her back, tell her your truth, but give her the space she requested with the understanding that you're not willing to put up with the silent treatment and will eventually move on. Setting some boundaries ourselves is important. During the six months of NC, I came to realize that the silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. Are you willing to put up with that for very long? Her reaching out and pinging you is her way if finding out if you are really gone. You need to decide if you are or not, and how much you are wiling to put up with. Don't be surprised if she has a replacement. That's how the disorder works.

My BPD friend really never had long lasting romantic relationships. She told me numerous times that she had up to six marriage proposals. I'm not sure if she was bragging or bewildered by it.

Stay strong, Dobie

[dobie]

Thanks keep on going , the thing is she wants me to move on ... .

I offered her in the first weeks of the BU the chance for her to live alone and find out what she wants but she shot me down with "that's not fair on me ."


She has blocked me on everything now BTW including her phone , probably in response to the xmass text . I noticed she mirrors everything so if I put a x on the text she will (very childish)

If she has got another man and that's what this was about then that's the final straw (she will never admit this ) unless I said I've met someone .

Its very difficult for me to do anything but accept she does not want me back she has closed every door in my face .

[dobie]

God just reading my posts shows how delusional I am ...


This is a women who broke up with me 3 days before my bday , left me with debts ,and bills she knows i would be unable to pay stripped my house bare of pretty much everything , showed little to no emotion when our dog of five years died weeks after the BU .Showed not one shred or remorse or apology and told me she does not respect or love me and she fell out of love with my years ago and only ever screamed at me post BU about all the money she had paid towards things over the years . Has not contacted me unless she wants something and just because of one "hope you had a nice xmass x "

Text I'm under some sort of delusion there is a way to get her to change her mind .

I don't even know for sure she has BPD /PPD I'm not a doctor so she may not have even split me black and may be just a nasty person

[Cat Familiar]

You sound like a very nice guy. You're free now. Find a nice healthy woman who will treat you well. Enjoy your freedom and get another dog. 

[bruceli]

OK my fiance split me black three months ago , she has strong cluster b traits esp BPD/PPD ...

I have been NC for last three weeks and have only heard from her to discuss "business"

When I did speak to her a month ago she said she was "giving me space" and wanted me to be OK with everything find a new GF and move on.



Xmass day she sent me a text "hoping you had a nice xmass x "

As I deleted her number I didn't realise it was her so said "who's this"

She replied with "very immature" so I left it at that .

I heard NC is the best way to let them come back but as she is a very controlling person would it be better to mirror what she wants I.e

Thanks for xmass msg , I've been giving you space to heal up hope your well ?

Been thinking and what you said is right "we are not right for each other " and I want to try new things in life and meet new people as well , take care

The problem is I still very much miss/love her but I'm also extremely angry/hurt by the damage she did post BU and her utter lack of remorse / compassion or any sense of guilt or blame .

IME, she means the opposite of this.  My pwPD has said this too many times to count.  Part of the push/pull and trying to stay safe.  Give her time to dysregulate and balance out.  The Holidays are hard on PD's.

[dobie]

OK my fiance split me black three months ago , she has strong cluster b traits esp BPD/PPD ...

I have been NC for last three weeks and have only heard from her to discuss "business"

When I did speak to her a month ago she said she was "giving me space" and wanted me to be OK with everything find a new GF and move on.



Xmass day she sent me a text "hoping you had a nice xmass x "

As I deleted her number I didn't realise it was her so said "who's this"

She replied with "very immature" so I left it at that .

I heard NC is the best way to let them come back but as she is a very controlling person would it be better to mirror what she wants I.e

Thanks for xmass msg , I've been giving you space to heal up hope your well ?

Been thinking and what you said is right "we are not right for each other " and I want to try new things in life and meet new people as well , take care

The problem is I still very much miss/love her but I'm also extremely angry/hurt by the damage she did post BU and her utter lack of remorse / compassion or any sense of guilt or blame .

IME, she means the opposite of this.  My pwPD has said this too many times to count.  Part of the push/pull and trying to stay safe.  Give her time to dysregulate and balance out.  The Holidays are hard on PD's.

I lost it with her I sent her loads of childish YouTube links and called her sulky pants explained I had not blocked her was just giving her space to heal and asked if she would be willing to answer some questions about my behaviour in the r/s she is stonewalling me now

[PinkPoker]

I can so relate to this... .It's so hard isn't it? 

Although I am only friends with my uBPD I believe there is more between us but he finds the whole expressing himself too difficult.  I would say from experience that the more I tried to make contact the worse it would get.  It's almost like there is some enjoyment out of you begging for their attention. Now... .I've learnt no matter how hard it is not to contact him and let him come back when he's ready.  In October I didn't think he would come back and I felt guilty for the reason he was giving me the silent treatment but sure enough after three weeks he contacted me.  He will never discuss why he cut me off.  It's like it never happened.   

I've had to get stronger because I was sick of the way he was treating me.  Not wishing me happy birthday because I didn't reply to a message straight away.  I told him I didn't think he cared (hoping he'd say he did) but instead be blocked me on whatsapp.  We're still friends on FB.  I've changed my phone number so even if he tried he couldn't ring or text.  I did notice on Christmas day he was on FB loads (every time I went on) which is unusual for him. For me not to message him made me so proud of myself. He has to learn I will not be a doormat.

I have found messages a night mare. My friend will have one rule for me and another for him.  I mentioned he blocked me on whatsapp. Well the day he asked me to add him on FB which Apprently he couldn't do himself he said if I ever blocked him it would be the last thing I would do!

I guess what I'm trying to say even if you do care don't let her walk all over you. We have to have self respect and they have to learn to have respect for us too.  If she wants you she'll return so give her time and space.  Don't let her use you though. As in don't be some kind of back up plan.

Take care and I hope things work out for you.

[dobie]

Should I just bite the bullet and tell her I still love her ?  

At least she knows then

[no_ordinary]

Should I just bite the bullet and tell her I still love her ?  

At least she knows then

i tried so many times, without any effect... .she is so out of such a "great love story with me"... . 

try and you will see...

[PinkPoker]

Personally, I wouldn't until she's finished painting you black.  I'm no expert but I think you'll get hurt if you try now.  You could always do SET and wait for her to come back to you with her knowing you still care.  Then tell her you still love her. <3

[dobie]

Ok i royally screwed up i spent the weekend drinking i sent her a text first to ask her for a favour she didn't reply so i turned the BU on her and said it was my choice and that she is acting like a child i then got jealous and sent her some songs about cheating and clips from movies where the other guy

gets a best down then fuelled by the booze I sent her a load of love songs and told her how much i love her then this morning appoligised and told her i was drunk

in not proud of my behaviour and i have been very in control with my emotions since the BU

...

she has ignored everything have i split her further black?

[PinkPoker]

;(  oh dear... .I really would go no contact now.  Believe me I know how it is but you are not doing yourself any favours.  Give her space and if she wants you she'll be in contact.  You can't make someone love you. 

It could be you're painted black Don't think there are shades!  She may not have watched / read your messages... .  I think about my BPD friend all the time but I know I can't contact him and if I did id get what you did and no reply.  They like to be in control and they certainly wouldn't want to look weak even if they are!  Sorry for the generalisation there!

Try and get on with life as normally as possible.  If it's meant to be she'll be back'. As I said before in October I thought I lost him for good and I messaged him day and night he never replied.  I stop messaging and told him that his silence spoke volumes. 

Then sure enough he contacted me and acted like nothing had happened. Be prepared for that!  Hugs x

[dobie]

Since yesterday afternoons songs were sent she has blocked all my friends and family from her Facebook

My friend asked her why and she said "its easier if I don't have link to ******* on facebook"

Found her on a dating website this afternoon and called her out on it

So much for wanting to be single .

She is ignoring everything now and trying to remove me completely from her life

[PinkPoker]

Dobie,  you sound so much like me. We get treated like dirt and go back for more.  Why do we do it? Are they worth it?   I don't want to get your hopes up but I think her texting you on Christmas day was a good sign.  I never heard from my friend for a month and then 2am

One morning he messaged me. Now I wasn't expecting a message and never replied until hours later where he'd decided that wasn't good enough and boom I was black again!

It's like they have expectations and we don't know them and we aren't allowed to have the same expectations of them... .   I do think she cares (only by what you've said) but you need to let her dysregulate.  Tell her you understand she's upset with you and that you do care.  Then leave it for her to contact you.

How do you know she's been on a dating site? Would she know you'd know that?  I have read that BPD females do replace guys quick and often and then return to those who offer her supply.  Just Becareful you need to think of yourself or you will end up getting very hurt and you sound lovely and certainly don't deserve the pain you are going through.

[Cat Familiar]

Since yesterday afternoons songs were sent she has blocked all my friends and family from her Facebook

My friend asked her why and she said "its easier if I don't have link to ******* on facebook"

Found her on a dating website this afternoon and called her out on it

So much for wanting to be single .

She is ignoring everything now and trying to remove me completely from her life

And you don't seem to be getting the message. With what you've described already, if she did come back to you, you're in for a world of hurt with this woman. Why do you want that?

[dobie]

Dobie,  you sound so much like me. We get treated like dirt and go back for more.  Why do we do it? Are they worth it?   I don't want to get your hopes up but I think her texting you on Christmas day was a good sign.  I never heard from my friend for a month and then 2am

One morning he messaged me. Now I wasn't expecting a message and never replied until hours later where he'd decided that wasn't good enough and boom I was black again!

It's like they have expectations and we don't know them and we aren't allowed to have the same expectations of them... .   I do think she cares (only by what you've said) but you need to let her dysregulate.  Tell her you understand she's upset with you and that you do care.  Then leave it for her to contact you.

How do you know she's been on a dating site? Would she know you'd know that?  I have read that BPD females do replace guys quick and often and then return to those who offer her supply.  Just Becareful you need to think of yourself or you will end up getting very hurt and you sound lovely and certainly don't deserve the pain you are going through.

I'm on the same dating site ... .She could know I'm on it as I clicked yes to her friend weeks ago (childish I know) I'm not a 100% she is BPD though I mean she could not be ... She might just be a horrible b***h .

She is removing all forms of me from her life , yesterday was all my friends/family on FB the only thing left is her phone (which she will probably block me or change number ) .

Why would I tell her I "understand your upset " after baring my soul via text for her to ignore it then I find her on a dating site ?

She is giving me a 100% NC as punishment or simply indiferance

[dobie]

I'm on the same dating site ... .She could know I'm on it as I clicked yes to her friend weeks ago (childish I know) I'm not a 100% she is BPD though I mean she could not be ... She might just be a horrible b***h .

She is removing all forms of me from her life , yesterday was all my friends/family on FB the only thing left is her phone (which she will probably block me or change number ) .

Why would I tell her I "understand your upset " after baring my soul via text for her to ignore it then I find her on a dating site ?

She is giving me a 100% NC as punishment or simply indiferance I think more likely punishment for ignoring her xmass text then sending her an email to explain where I called her "sulky pants" and sent her a few songs taking the fun out of her (she was always over sensitive and had no sense of humour when it came to her )


I should perhaps strike first and block her on my phone , tell her I'm done etc

[/quote]

[dobie]

Since yesterday afternoons songs were sent she has blocked all my friends and family from her Facebook

My friend asked her why and she said "its easier if I don't have link to ******* on facebook"

Found her on a dating website this afternoon and called her out on it

So much for wanting to be single .

She is ignoring everything now and trying to remove me completely from her life

And you don't seem to be getting the message. With what you've described already, if she did come back to you, you're in for a world of hurt with this woman. Why do you want that?

I was happy with the r/s for the most part I didn't stop loving her . The crazy thing is I things had got better over the last few years . My mistake she has been disengaging for at least 12 months ( ive not been in love with you for 1-2 years) said post BU (then denied a week later) IMO but its hard to tell with all the black / white crap


Omg I love you soo much , your the only bf I still fancy after six years I would kill myself if something happened to you  (said weeks up to the end)

I haven't given a damm about your job for 12 months and I've been distancing myself from your family for a year (said post BU)

What's helped me a bit is remembering for a FACT BPD or not she is emotionally immature hence her actions are all ego driven and child like (its hard to hate a kid)

[Cat Familiar]

I was happy with the r/s for the most part I didn't stop loving her . The crazy thing is I things had got better over the last few years . My mistake she has been disengaging for at least 12 months ( ive not been in love with you for 1-2 years) said post BU (then denied a week later) IMO but its hard to tell with all the black / white crap


Omg I love you soo much , your the only bf I still fancy after six years I would kill myself if something happened to you  (said weeks up to the end)

I haven't given a damm about your job for 12 months and I've been distancing myself from your family for a year (said post BU)

What's helped me a bit is remembering for a FACT BPD or not she is emotionally immature hence her actions are all ego driven and child like (its hard to hate a kid)

Yes, and you know what she's like. She's definitely got you on the hook. Why? What's in it for you?

[dobie]

I guess cat if i take away feelings its the 6-7 years i invested her beauty , company, support the dreams of a comfortable life she is highly successful.


my own fears of ending up alone or with a second best

i also want her to take away the hurt i never ever thought she would do this to me i thought we were solid .

[Cat Familiar]

I guess cat if i take away feelings its the 6-7 years i invested her beauty , company, support the dreams of a comfortable life she is highly successful.


my own fears of ending up alone or with a second best

i also want her to take away the hurt i never ever thought she would do this to me i thought we were solid .

I'm so sorry that things haven't turned out the way you'd hoped. The longer we stay in relationships, the more we expect that we can turn things around. I know, in spite of all evidence, I kept hoping my ex-husband would be the man I thought he could be. And now, with my current husband, I keep thinking that somehow I can magically intervene and cause all that self-hatred and depression to vanish. But I'm learning that what is, is, and cannot not be. He is who he is.

And your girlfriend is who she is, in spite of your hopes and dreams that she would be all that you imagine she could be.