I spoke to him. It is just so sad.

[Seriously?]

I had really been dreading any contact with him because I was afraid of being reeled back in. I called him about the divorce.  I asked him if he just couldn't agree to pay the costs and then it would not have to drag out. He told me he is  working "casually" very part-time. It is a shame because he has a degree in the same field as me. I know there are jobs out there.  He cited all that was wrong with our relationship in the end, but took no responsibility for any of it. He told me we couldn't communicate, but didn't seem to recall his drunken rants and how I asked him if we could try counseling.  He also remembered several details completely wrong.  I know because I am no longer in the FOG so he cannot convince me it was not how I remembered.  I don't believe he was purposely gaslighting.  I think he altered his memory to find a way to live with what happened.  Hearing his voice and him sounding so reasonable while presenting his warped version of reality was healing to me. It illustrated how pervasive his issues are. I can be thankful for the time in my life when I felt so alive and loved without discounting it because it wasn't real. I believe it was as real as he could be. I think if the disorder hadn't taken over,  we would still be happy.  I believe I can move on from this. I will heal. I will even be able to smile over the good times. The fear I had of seeing him is gone. I am following through with my divorce because I know he doesn't recognize his disorder and will not get the help he needs. I know I cannot put myself in a position to be emotionally and physically abused. Just for today,  I have a great deal of peace about all this and I am grateful.

[Whitebread]

You sound like you are indeed in a good place, it's very inspiring to read, and I'm happy for you! 

I need to contact mine regarding vehicles etc. that I left there, but like you were, I'm afraid of being reeled in still.  I'm just not there yet after 4 wks.

Enjoy the peace you have, you worked hard for it and deserve it!

[Seriously?]

Whitebread, it's been six months since I have seen him and we only talked a handful of times. It is great to feel a little peace. I have been on a roller coaster just with my own emotions in this whole devastating mess. I didn't need to try to get any input from him until now. I don't know if I could have handled contact like we had yesterday after only a month. I don't think I would have recognized his behaviors and probably would have tried to salvage something when he told me he loved me. All I thought yesterday when he said he loved me was how horrible it was to hear my husband say back when he discarded me he had never loved me, how I cried and felt worthless and was so confused. Now to find out he didn't even mean it. He was trying to make me hurt. It was intentional, but still can be chalked up to the disorder.  No emotional maturity and no understanding of boundaries.  There are some lines most of us would never cross. He doesn't understand that.

[peace_seeker]

Hi Seriously?

Thank u so very much for this!

I have corresponded a few times w my exBPD and he did the same; distorting facts and my intentions. I used to think that he did what he did because he wants to convince me that he's right, but what u said abt "he altered his memory to find a way to live with what happened" makes so much sense to me.

I tend to think that everything he does is to solicit a response out of me, or trying to manipulate me into doing something. And now that I'm out of FOG and not willing to follow through his manipulations makes me feel guilty. But what u just said reminded me that his intention was nv abt me, but always about him.

I know how healing it can be to see how crazy ur ex is. I had a few of those moments when I was quarreling w my ex and i rmb feeling very hopeless in him. Keep ur cool-Ness and allow let ur mind to even doubt urself once. I did, and I slipped back into this whole craze making self doubt. Not good. Keep ur heads up & thanks for this post!