I Think I Could Have Been Right.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A few weeks ago i posted the following thread

Since my exBPD girlfriend and i finished our relationship a few years ago, i have been staying with my sister and her husband.

My sister and my exBPDgf actually got on quite well together and became friends. Today my sister received a Christmas Card from my exBPDgf.   She wrote in the card  "  I would love to meet up with your for a coffee, but i have lost your telephone number"  She then wrote her phone number on the card and asked my sister to contact her if she wanted to meet up with her.

When my exBPDgf and i parted i told her i had deleted her phone number in my final text to her.    My question is  "  Did my exBPDgf write her phone number on the Christmas Card for my sisters benefit or for mine ?


After posting that thread, my sister sent my exBPDgf a Christmas and Birthday Card  (  it was her birthday on 19th December)  She wrote in the birthday card that yes she would like to meet up with my exBPDgf for a coffee early in the New Year.  My sister also texted her to wish her happy birthday. My exBPDgf replied by text to my sister that she was looking forward to seeing her in the New Year.

However Christmas and New Year have both been and gone, but my exBPDgf has not texted my sister to wish her either a Happy Christmas or a Happy New Year.

I find this strange as she was stating how much she missed seeing my sister and that's why she sent her telephone number for my sister to contact her.  Over the holiday period my exBPDgf has just vanished again.

I am now thinking the reason for my exBPDgf putting her phone number on the Christmas card was more for my eyes than my sisters.     What are your thoughts ?

[Willingtolearn]

A few weeks ago i posted the following thread

Since my exBPD girlfriend and i finished our relationship a few years ago, i have been staying with my sister and her husband.

My sister and my exBPDgf actually got on quite well together and became friends. Today my sister received a Christmas Card from my exBPDgf.   She wrote in the card  "  I would love to meet up with your for a coffee, but i have lost your telephone number"  She then wrote her phone number on the card and asked my sister to contact her if she wanted to meet up with her.

When my exBPDgf and i parted i told her i had deleted her phone number in my final text to her.    My question is  "  Did my exBPDgf write her phone number on the Christmas Card for my sisters benefit or for mine ?


After posting that thread, my sister sent my exBPDgf a Christmas and Birthday Card  (  it was her birthday on 19th December)  She wrote in the birthday card that yes she would like to meet up with my exBPDgf for a coffee early in the New Year.  My sister also texted her to wish her happy birthday. My exBPDgf replied by text to my sister that she was looking forward to seeing her in the New Year.

However Christmas and New Year have both been and gone, but my exBPDgf has not texted my sister to wish her either a Happy Christmas or a Happy New Year.

I find this strange as she was stating how much she missed seeing my sister and that's why she sent her telephone number for my sister to contact her.  Over the holiday period my exBPDgf has just vanished again.

I am now thinking the reason for my exBPDgf putting her phone number on the Christmas card was more for my eyes than my sisters.     What are your thoughts ?

[Ripped Heart]

Without knowing their thoughts, it would be very difficult to say for certain.

You could be completely right or it could be that she was just trying to reconnect with your sister. From what I've seen, it's not just us painted black or white but sometimes our own family members too.

I know with my own situation, when exN/BPDw couldn't get through to me after I had been NC for a year at that point, she called my mother and begged not to be hung up on. I don't believe for one minute that was "for" me but I have suspicions it was "about" me. She needed contact with someone in my family because she knew she couldn't get it from me. Maybe in the hope that she would be welcomed with open arms and could possibly ask a couple of questions along the way.

It might be that your ex genuinely did want to seek out your sister if she was between relationships to test the water but I think the connection was aimed towards your sister because your ex may still be experiencing shame and guilt.

[hope2727]

What are your intentions? What do you want?

To quote Tolkien

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

What will you decide?

[Willingtolearn]

Hope 2727.

You ask what do i want ?

I want to be prepared for a possible recycle if that may come.  I want to know that i am strong enough not to fall back into the trap. 

Maybe  my ex BPDgf reason for putting her  phone number in the card  was for my sisters attention and not for mine.  However with pwBPD you always have to expect the unexpected.

I just find it strange that my exBPDgf stated to my sister how much she misses seeing her and also thinks about her often.  Yes over Christmas and New Year  she sends no greetings to my sister.

[hope2727]

If you want to be prepared then let go. If she put it there for you or not just let go. Once you are truly indifferent it won't matter what she does. I am the strongest person I know but until I am indifferent I will never be strong enough.

Sending you hugs. 

[myself]

Maybe she's just been busy? 'Tis the season.

They said they'd get together in the new year. It's just begun today.

With intimacy issues, fears and shame being part of the disorder, maybe she doesn't feel up to jumping right into "Merry Christmas" and etc. even though she may be mostly looking for an attachment. She may have other more pressing relationships/interactions on the line. Maybe it was just an emotional release for her. Some temporary validation. Maybe she's not even going to follow through. Maybe they'll become better friends.

As much as we often need to depersonalize the things people do, we may find we also need to depersonalize the things they don't do. It might just be about her and your sister. Are you getting wet from it, so to speak, because you're stepping into it, or because it's splashing onto you?

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with songbook; the Holidays are busy for everyone and we can have lots of social commitments, and when things settle down in the new year that coffee date may happen.

But a larger issue is you seem to be giving her a lot of power still, for a relationship that was over a 'few years ago'.  "Falling back into a trap" is a powerless place, when you have all the power you need, if you say so; if you want to be with her, be with her, if she's willing, if not, don't.  Also, is it an issue for you that your sister has some level of friendship with her?  Have you talked about it with her?