BPD Recycle and You Reject

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not this has happened but I am interested to see whether after a few months if a uexBPD girlfriend tries to initiate contact or recycle, how do they react or feel if you ignore. To them is that a form of deep rejection? Do they persist or at some point work out that you have gone for good?

[confused1730]

Not this has happened but I am interested to see whether after a few months if a uexBPD girlfriend tries to initiate contact or recycle, how do they react or feel if you ignore. To them is that a form of deep rejection? Do they persist or at some point work out that you have gone for good?

[Blimblam]

It depends how it's done and where the pwBPD is at in their own life.  There's a lot of variables.

[confused1730]

I wasn't sure whether rejection of any kind was quite a big deal to them?

[Blimblam]

Yes, it's a big deal to them they are very sensitive. Their biggest fear is of abandonment they are so sensitive to this even if we become busy or enter the next stage after the honeymoon this can be percieved as rejection. When they feel the fear of rejection a typical response for them is to reach out for other possible attachments.  The fear of abandonment to them feels like the fear of death of destruction of their percieved self.

[Pingo]

Mine is an exh, he did try to contact me after many months and I blocked his texts and ignored his emails.  Apparently he didn't get the message, ignoring only made him more determined.  After a couple weeks he left a voice message on my work phone and that was enough for me, I threatened a RO if he contacted me again and haven't heard a peep from him since. 

[Ripped Heart]

Confused, my current gf is a low functioning pwBPD. However, ex wife was high functioning NPD and BPD.

You can then imagine the rage, abuse, threats etc... .I received at end of marriage. Despite the fact she initiated the divorce. This included filing false charges (easy to prove because I wasn't even in the same country) she told everyone and anyone who would listen that I was never to contact her again so that was pretty much the end.

My T then asked me how I was going to handle things WHEN she got back in contact and I laughed at him. After the abuse, and destruction she was causing, that was never going to happen or so I thought.

I went NC from the moment I left the house and it took her a week before she started to try make contact. As fast as I was blocking her, she was finding new ways. The messages started off nasty, some were threatening, then they became more placid to the point of even being friendly, then back to nasty, then blunt and so on. She befriended my exgf, contacted my family, cried on the phone to my mother not to hang up on her (which my mother did after telling her what she thought of her) she even got her own mother sending me nasty messages saying that by me ignoring my ex, I was being selfish, putting her health at risk and destroying their family 

The last email I got from her was in June this year, almost 3 years after I first went NC. She has suddenly started appearing online in other places so it might be about to start up again. Through it all though I have remained NC, not even the slightest reach out.

So it depends on the individual I guess. I think I will always live with the prospect of my ex popping up somewhere. She did the same thing to her ex too but would stalk his FB page from afar and he had been gone 7 years. Mine is so locked down she can't do that with me.

[confused1730]

The moral of the story seems to be whether high or low functioning, be prepared for some form of contact depending what is going on in their lives at that time!

[clydegriffith]

In my instance she was just all over the place. She was with other guys while trying to engage me and if i didn't pay her any mind she'd just obsess more over one of the others. She used to tell me "oh i can be with so and so but i want you", yeah right.

She'd also make up stories about how some of the other guys she was involved with would profess their love to her. According to her, one guy was ready to leave his wife, another was willing to help her raise her 4 young kids and didn't care about that. All lies of course.

[Ripped Heart]

I would assume so and also your role within the r/s too.

During my marriage I was made to believe I did nothing when in truth I did everything. I guess someone else comes along who does much less or doesn't stand for the abuse and suddenly you look like a saint.

I posted the other day that when exN/BPDw popped up in my inbox, she did not look healthy at all. She actually looked like a deranged psychopath and nothing like the woman I first met. I'm guessing things haven't worked out as well as she hoped for the self proclaimed "most selfless and gorgeous woman on the planet"

[confused1730]

Suspect the No contact will eventually wear thin whether she tries to re-engage or not. Her ability to believe in being chased is quite unreal. Rejection is something she will have to get used to.

[lipstick]

Hi confused1730,

My ex tried to "Friend" me on Facebook over a year after discarding me. He began by "Following" me. Then the request came through. I didn't accept it so he blocked me. I've been blocked ever since. That was a year ago last December. He still keeps tabs on me from time to time via an alternate FB account - but I don't believe he will ever reach out again. I think it was a "one and done" as far as contact goes!  

[love2give]

January will be one year since our breakup (starting to thank my lucky stars for it now) and she has never made an attempt to contact me other than private number hang ups a few times which I am sure was her and driving down my street at times.

Good riddance.

Happy New Year to you all

[hergestridge]

My ex tried to get back together and I was not interested. Two days later it was as if she had forgotten about the whole episode.

[susanleona]

When the relationship with the replacement went south I got a friend request on Facebook.  I ignored it.  About 9 months later I got another friend request.  I thought, well perhaps we can be Facebook friends, but when he wanted to start chatting, I told him no, so a month later he deleted me.  It's been about 10 months now with no contact.

[hurting300]

I miss my baby... i want contact. But I've made it impossible... .

[ucmeicu2]

I miss my baby... i want contact. But I've made it impossible... .

good on you for locking it down tight, securing your safety.  it's important to put that in place like you did when you were feeling strong.

you'll get thru this.  take good care of yourself.

 

[fred6]

Yes, it's a big deal to them they are very sensitive. Their biggest fear is of abandonment they are so sensitive to this even if we become busy or enter the next stage after the honeymoon this can be percieved as rejection. When they feel the fear of rejection a typical response for them is to reach out for other possible attachments.  The fear of abandonment to them feels like the fear of death of destruction of their percieved self.

My ex won't give me the pleasure of rejecting her. She's the type that will just jump from guy to guy dressed up as a human mattress. If they have new supply I don't think that you can reject them. They may feel it, but they have someone new to somewhat wash away the pain. Blim is right. These people live for the honeymoon phase. It's their emotional drug of choice. For the majority of them, once the honeymoon phase is over and normal everyday life slaps them in the face, it's only a matter of time before they dysregulate.

[Ripped Heart]

These people live for the honeymoon phase. It's their emotional drug of choice. For the majority of them, once the honeymoon phase is over and normal everyday life slaps them in the face, it's only a matter of time before they dysregulate.

That's exactly when mine started to wobble too. It was from that point she didn't feel the same but couldn't explain her feelings. We went out one night and were sat with a couple who had been in their r/s for the same length of time (5 months) They were still getting to know each other and looked far more comfortable than we did because I knew everything there was to know about gf by about week 3.

I would say things start to slip between 4-6 months though I know from the map on FB she had of beds she had been sleeping in that there were at least 5-6 people in 2013. To have lasted 11 months was quite the achievement.

[neverloveagain]

If waif get ready fir hell 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi everyone

I finally left my exBP in March this year after a 4 year rollercoaster ride through hell and back. The first 2 years BP lived at mine for free, (after an initial friendship before we got involved.). By the end of that first 2 years I was over his violence, over his verbal abuse, death threats, attempted murders, property damage, public humiliations, sleep deprivations, attempts to ruin my job, and excessive control.

From my place, after I stated that he could no longer live with me, he left for his elderly parents, vowing to never see me again. Within less than 2 weeks he was back via phone, and declaring again that he needed help and would eventually seek it, even medication!

Of course he knew just what to say and do to win me back again.

So began 16 months of Long Distance, whereby he would alternate between sleeping at his parents when he ran out of unemployment money, to sleeping in his car after he had yet again provoked confrontations with his elderly parents and had to leave because he had done so much damage to them.

Exactly the same as he did to/with me.

And just like me, they had several incidents when they were forced to call the Police because their son BP was that out of control and dangerous. Both parents ended up in hospital several times, both from the massive stress, and incidents where BP used mild physical violence, (tripping and shoving hard). Not to mention Emergency Mental Health Team visits, but when asked if they wanted him hospitalised, the Mother relented, (probably out of fear that BP would be soon out and angrier with her than ever).

Or maybe the Mother was actually just his chief enabler. Pretty much a waste of time with me trying to set boundaries when she worked against everything I did by saying Yes to him and treating him like a 'favourite'.

But overall and besides this, out of all our fights or problems, BP provoked every single one of them, so I take no responsibility for the conflicts at all. I always tried to do the right thing, (leave the scene to avoid it). And I only ever (95%) lost my cool when he trapped me physically so I couldn't escape, (whether with violence, or threats to kill me etc).

It was always pretty much 95% BP trying the recycle games, as it would often be only me that stuck to NC after he had caused distance/fights.

Mostly I would take him back eventually, but this year was the last straw for me entirely.

In March I ended things, after another bout of violence, this time towards me and a member of the public. I avoided BP for several days, (to prevent him returning to my home uninvited) and also didn't answer his calls.

By day 2 he had faded away, only to pop up in May, June and August for the last time. He wanted me to act like his partner in August, and keep calling him and listening to him, (like his counsellor all over again). By several days of this, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I knew he was hiding something because he didn't like the idea of us meeting up somewhere in person.

That dishonesty I had always felt in my gut was still there, along with his behaviour.

The irony is, the during one of my last conversations with him, he was telling it like he dumped me because he thought I was in a relationship with a male friend I knew. Hmm, funny that, I don't recall ever saying I had any romantic or other interest towards that friend when BP asked me in the past all about him. He even got to meet him too, because I had nothing to hide.

I also recall him saying that he 'was only homeless after he met me'.   

Choke splutter. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! The guy was homeless when he met me, (but not technically because he used his elderly parents house like a crash pad) and was blaming his parents and his older brother for his 'homelessness', (violins please).