Nobody else to tell

[Healing0602]

Hi!  I used to post here a few years ago while I was dating my BPDex.  I had to make a new username because I don't remember the old one or the email address is used.  This isn't easy at all.  I left my BPDex on 10/28/11.  I took a year off from dating for healing, but I still need more.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm the crazy one because, at times, I miss him so much.  You all know how intense the feelings can be with someone who has BPD... .I still don't know what is normal or healthy.  It causes major problems for me, and I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  I've talked myself out of anonymously contacting him several times... .I just wanted to be able to vent to someone safe, so I figured this would be the place to go.  I'm currently in a relationship that is safe, but is lacking emotion, intimacy, communication... .well, a lot of things, but it's safe. 

So, basically, here I am, a little over three years later, and still confused.  That's me.  Confused, lost, and needing to get this stuff off my chest. 

[Infern0]

Hi there!

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

Have you had any professional counselling or therapy?

BPD breakups are one of the worst things in the human experience. Most people WILL need some professional help to get through it. It's good that you got out, but the relationship you are currently in doesn't sound healthy.

My advice is go and talk to a professional, they help a great deal and will get you looking at your own issues and rebuilding yourself into an improved version of you

[Infared]

Hi there!

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

Have you had any professional counselling or therapy?

BPD breakups are one of the worst things in the human experience. Most people WILL need some professional help to get through it. It's good that you got out, but the relationship you are currently in doesn't sound healthy.

My advice is go and talk to a professional, they help a great deal and will get you looking at your own issues and rebuilding yourself into an improved version of you

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. I identify with your feelings, think it is normal and am glad you are coming to the forum to vent.  I agree with inferno in that I got a counselor, group therapy and got involved in a self-help group.  i.e. I seriously looked at and worked on me.

I don't think it is abnormal for you to want to contact you ex... we all want to on some level. ... .but it's probably your unhappiness with your current situation and fantasizing about your passionate feelings in the earlier part of that old relationship that is giving you that longing. I would think that all the way through... and remember how it was at the end. What really drives it home for me not to contact was the crazy behavior after mine left me. If I think about that honestly it is a real buzz-kill that anything fruitful would ever come from any contact initiated by me. That just is not a healthy choice for me today... .and my life is far from perfect.

[Trog]

Have you tried to add emotional intimacy into the relationship? I can see and know first hand how confusing it is when you have a wonderful, kind, attentive woman but your heart is craving the exBPD. It's because of the childhood wound this lover promised to fill, it created a drug like addiction to the person and makes you feel like the partner 'fit you perfectly', we are reinacting old pain and trying to heal wounds from childhood.

If I zoom out there was a lot of turbulence in my childhood and my ex, during lovebombing made me feel whole, but it's not up to her or a new wife to do that, we need to feel whole by ourselves. Have you done the work on yourself since you left?

I do this too, go thru a week of not looking at myself and working on my healing and I end up with that yearning sensation for the quick fix that healed my childhood wounds. Then I remember she's toxic for me and start focusing on myself.

I swapped probably my best romantic match, a wondeful Greek girl who treated me as an equal and we would get along well, the sex was good but she was too kind and stable and not providing that drama and excitement (and eventually pain) that I craved.

You could try injecting some intimacy and working harder on yourself and re looking at your relationship Or you may have settled for the wrong woman, that's still possible.

I am sorry you are still feeling this way, if you focus on yourself, your future, your past and issues and read about these, how do you feel then?

[Infared]

Have you tried to add emotional intimacy into the relationship? I can see and know first hand how confusing it is when you have a wonderful, kind, attentive woman but your heart is craving the exBPD. It's because of the childhood wound this lover promised to fill, it created a drug like addiction to the person and makes you feel like the partner 'fit you perfectly', we are reinacting old pain and trying to heal wounds from childhood.

If I zoom out there was a lot of turbulence in my childhood and my ex, during lovebombing made me feel whole, but it's not up to her or a new wife to do that, we need to feel whole by ourselves. Have you done the work on yourself since you left?

I do this too, go thru a week of not looking at myself and working on my healing and I end up with that yearning sensation for the quick fix that healed my childhood wounds. Then I remember she's toxic for me and start focusing on myself.

I swapped probably my best romantic match, a wondeful Greek girl who treated me as an equal and we would get along well, the sex was good but she was too kind and stable and not providing that drama and excitement (and eventually pain) that I craved.

You could try injecting some intimacy and working harder on yourself and re looking at your relationship Or you may have settled for the wrong woman, that's still possible.

I am sorry you are still feeling this way, if you focus on yourself, your future, your past and issues and read about these, how do you feel then?

Trog ... .I think that you got the sexes reversed... .no biggie tho... .your comment is right on the mark?  

[Trog]

Whoops! Well don't swap sides, women are just as difficult 

[Infared]

Whoops! Well don't swap sides, women are just as difficult 

  LOL! Nice recovery!

[Healing0602]

Yes, I do agree with you all that seeking professional counseling is the best option.  I've considered it several times and talked myself out of it because of finances.  When i was dating my BPDex we actually were going to counseling toward the end - we both went to the same counselor, at different times - we went together once and it was a complete disaster.  At the time we were still working on making it work. 

I agree that the problems in my current relationship probably have alot to do with my underlying issues.  I've tried talking to him about my experience and he just shuts down and gets mad.  He will make comments from time to time such as "I don't feel sorry for women in abusive relationships, it's their fault", to me or to a group, and it really hurts.  I'm the type of person to develop deep emotional connections with people, and it's hard not being able to with him. 

What type of counselor (what specialty) do you guys think is best? 

[Infared]

Yes, I do agree with you all that seeking professional counseling is the best option.  I've considered it several times and talked myself out of it because of finances.  When i was dating my BPDex we actually were going to counseling toward the end - we both went to the same counselor, at different times - we went together once and it was a complete disaster.  At the time we were still working on making it work.  

I agree that the problems in my current relationship probably have alot to do with my underlying issues.  I've tried talking to him about my experience and he just shuts down and gets mad.  He will make comments from time to time such as "I don't feel sorry for women in abusive relationships, it's their fault", to me or to a group, and it really hurts.  I'm the type of person to develop deep emotional connections with people, and it's hard not being able to with him.  

What type of counselor (what specialty) do you guys think is best?  

I sought out a therapist. Not a psychiatrist. i.e.  I wanted to work on me... .not cop out and take medication (my opinion of that it is just a cheap American cop-out in most instances.  I realize that there are extreme cases where people need meds... .but they are just dispensed far to quickly like candy in our society. Call me hardcore... .that's ok with me.).

That being said... .

I have addiction issues... .so my first attempt at counseling, helped me with my crisis but offered me no growth in the long term. My counselor did not try to help me grow... she just listened to my problem. This was good while I was in crisis but not truly going to help me change.  I eventually found a therapist who was also in addiction recovery herself... .and although I had to put on my big boy pants and grow up and go thru considerable pain... .I found the therapy to be a valuable experience.  There are also therapists out there who will work on reasonable pay scales.   I would advise you to approach the process like you are shopping for an article of clothing.  Try a couple of different stores, try the item on... .you may not find a good fit right away.

My initial therapist was taken on when I was in crisis, and felt like a victim.   The best way to find a therapist is to be in charge, be able to state where you are at and where you would like to get to and to see if the help you are looking for is there with a particular "relationship"... .be easy on yourself but also be on a quest... .it is YOUR life after all.

I found my journey to be one of the most valuable experiences of my life.

Walk in a little and test the water... .its a process.

In the end my BPD has nothing to do with that.  She is on her own journey and she has choosen that to not include me.

Good luck.

[myself]

Have you done any journaling? It's not the same as talking with someone else, but can be a way to process and release what you're going through. You could write it in the form of a letter as a way to express what you feel to say to your ex. Turn it into a great in-depth conversation with yourself.

[Healing0602]

Infared, that is great advice, very helpful!  I've never thought of it like that, but the "shopping for an article of clothing" is a great analogy.  I agree with you on the meds, I'm not looking for that.  It's funny, I've always said "everyone should have a therpist", but never actually acted on that myself 

Songbook, yes, I agree, journaling is a great way to process your thoughts and make sense of things.  I hesitate to do so because I'm afraid that someone will find it.  I've thought about writing things down, then disposing of them in the past... .which might be something I should try. 

[myself]

I deleted mine. No one else needed to read it, and honestly I didn't want to go back there, either. The important part was the processing that took place while writing. Getting it out, speaking in my 'deepest' voice, working through feelings and where they came from. Separating the facts from all the rest of it. Overall it was like healing in the way you're often better after  

Seeing a T was also very helpful. That said, I was the one doing the work.

Agree with Infared. When the right fit happens, you'll know. I switched from an OK therapist to a great one, which came about because I was truthful with myself about my needs and goals and followed through.

[Infared]

Agree with Infared. When the right fit happens, you'll know. I switched from an OK therapist to a great one, which came about because I was truthful with myself about my needs and goals and followed through.

Fit, honesty and goals! Perfect way to simplify the priorities, Songbook!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm currently in a relationship that is safe, but is lacking emotion, intimacy, communication... .well, a lot of things, but it's safe. 

It could be that we're not satisfied in 'normal' relationships and crave dysfunction because we've got deep-seated, unresolved trauma from our past.  Or it could be as simple as we're just with the wrong person.  You didn't ask me for advice, but to offer some unsolicited, is it going to work long-term, meaning are you going to get your needs met, with this current partner?  Answer that question and make a decision, and then either leave or get to work making it work.  And if you leave, get to work finding a partner who will meet your needs sustainably.  That does two things: if you're working hard creating the life of your dreams you won't be thinking about a relationship you had with someone with a mental illness that ended years ago, and you will be focusing on the future and not the past.  I like it!  Or just ignore me; take what you need, leave the rest, and take care of you!

[Healing0602]

It could be that we're not satisfied in 'normal' relationships and crave dysfunction because we've got deep-seated, unresolved trauma from our past.  Or it could be as simple as we're just with the wrong person.

This is what I wish I knew.  I'm afraid of losing something good because of my own deep-seated issues. But on the other hand, I'm afraid of simply being with the wrong person because it's safe.  I'm not sure that it's the dysfunction I crave... .after 3 years it's essiest to remember the good times, and the good times were beyond incredible, as you all know.  I don't see myself as a victim, which is why I think it's harder for me to go back to the bad times.  I guess we all have selective memories as well.  I still remember the bad times... .and I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense, but my memory of him is based on the good times... .almost as if there is a disconnect.  I also always try to see the good in people... .a trait I'm sure many of us share.

I've done some research and reached out to a therapist I would like to try.  I believe the best thing I can do is work on me. 

[PaintedBlack28]

My advice is go and talk to a professional, they help a great deal and will get you looking at your own issues and rebuilding yourself into an improved version of you

Infern0, would you suggest seeing the partner's T? Does it make sense, so as the T can have a better grasp/picture/idea... Did anybody tried this yet? And would the T agree?

 

[Healing0602]

Infern0, would you suggest seeing the partner's T? Does it make sense, so as the T can have a better grasp/picture/idea... Did anybody tried this yet? And would the T agree?

 

My two cents - if you are still in a relationship with them, and so long as you discuss seeing their therapist with them before actually doing so, I think it's a great idea.  I wouldn't do it without telling them, it could be perceived as going behind their back etc.

[PaintedBlack28]

Infern0, would you suggest seeing the partner's T? Does it make sense, so as the T can have a better grasp/picture/idea... Did anybody tried this yet? And would the T agree?

 

My two cents - if you are still in a relationship with them, and so long as you discuss seeing their therapist with them before actually doing so, I think it's a great idea.  I wouldn't do it without telling them, it could be perceived as going behind their back etc.

No no the r/s is over, and I maintain strict NC. The idea would be without the former partner even knowing. I could even not tell the T that the former partner is one of his patients. But the bottom idea would be that this T helps me dealing with my own co-dependent issues which were triggered by the devastation of the r/s with the xBPDgf.

I am also afraid this is not some kind of malignant hope to the fantasy  of reunion, in which I confess the T that my former partner is his patient, and that I need his help in order to bring us together... .

I have to think this very carefully.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is what I wish I knew.  I'm afraid of losing something good because of my own deep-seated issues. But on the other hand, I'm afraid of simply being with the wrong person because it's safe.

Yes.  I think the way to reconcile that is to just talk about those issues with your partner and see what happens.  If I was to express any insecurities or needs to my borderline ex she would just use it against me, fuel for devaluation, so I learned to just shut up about it, which just created distance between us, which she would interpret as pending abandonment and on and on, a snowball.  That clearly wasn't working so I left, and since I've been consciously doing that with people, letting them see who I really am, partly because that's how I want to live and partly to see what reaction I get; life is too short to surround ourselves with disempowering people, and if you're not going to be my raving fan, warts and all, you gotta go.  Today.

after 3 years it's essiest to remember the good times... .   I don't see myself as a victim, which is why I think it's harder for me to go back to the bad times.  I guess we all have selective memories as well.  I still remember the bad times... .and I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense, but my memory of him is based on the good times... .almost as if there is a disconnect. 

Yes, that's why we call them the 'good ol' days.'  The old days were just like any other, some better than others, but we use selective memory to favor the good times over the bad, it's the way our brain makes sense of the world and our history, and helps us create hope and enthusiasm for the future.  I consciously focused on all the bad in my relationship with a borderline, which wasn't tough since it was mostly bad, and I used it as a tool to detach.  We all have mixed feelings towards out exes, if we didn't and it was all bad we would have left right away or not even gotten started, and this site wouldn't exist, but today my memories of the relationship are almost all bad, which is fine by me and reflects reality.  There's also the piece of the disconnect between the fantasy relationship between my ears and the real relationship, that denial that I rode far too long; is my tendency to maybe want to focus on the positive, what little there was, a remnant of that fantasy, or a reframing of the past to make it palatable?  Hmmm... .

I've done some research and reached out to a therapist I would like to try.  I believe the best thing I can do is work on me.

Therapy and working on ourselves is always a good thing; I hope you find a therapist you connect well with so you can get any work done that you need to.  I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left her, and therapy helped a great deal with that, a lot better than talking to people I know, who for the most part just didn't get it.

[rosannadanna]

Hi Healing,

You describe this as a safe relationship:

I agree that the problems in my current relationship probably have alot to do with my underlying issues.  I've tried talking to him about my experience and he just shuts down and gets mad.  He will make comments from time to time such as "I don't feel sorry for women in abusive relationships, it's their fault", to me or to a group, and it really hurts.  I'm the type of person to develop deep emotional connections with people, and it's hard not being able to with him. 

I agree with the others that therapy would be extremely beneficial right now.  I would add that a focus on your entire romantic relationship history and unhelpful/unsuccessful patterns might be beneficial.

For me, the R/S with a pwBPD was the "stand out" r/s as far as how much it affected my life, but I found it helpful in my self-exploration to look at all of my past r/s's to help me determine what I want in a romantic R/S moving forward.  This is the longest I have ever been truly single (like even no casual dating) since I was 15 years old and it is lonely sometimes, but I am mostly ok with waiting until something healthy comes along.

Take care and good luck on your journey

[Healing0602]

Thank you all, it's so helpful to get this off my chest and know that I'm not alone. I appreciate everyone's help and advice, I'm working on scheduling a therapist to start going to, and liking forward to it!