Why Red Flags Aren't Red

[Lady Sirrah]

Through my readings I had come across a passage that I had also read in my previous life (in a previous life I was sexually abused as a child, mother had anxiety issues, father was an alcoholic & heroin addict, I have OCD, anxiety & depression, I was married previously to a bipolar alcoholic).

The passage referred to how people who have had abuse and depression in their past were more susceptible to start relationships with unhealthy people. I had remembered reading this before and as before I was somewhat offended. I thought to myself, why are they labeling me as a bad choice maker? Hasn't my life been hard enough? Why do I have this stigma?

Then last week a light bulb turned on in my head. The reason I am more susceptible to starting unhealthy relationships is due to my past abuse. Because of my past abuse, I don't see the red flags like normal people. When red flags pop up I am sort of oblivious to them because mental disorders, abuse and drug addictions seem so normal to me. Am I on the right track? Or do I need to go back to the drawing board? 

Who's with me on this?

[Blimblam]

Through my readings I had come across a passage that I had also read in my previous life (in a previous life I was sexually abused as a child, mother had anxiety issues, father was an alcoholic & heroin addict, I have OCD, anxiety & depression, I was married previously to a bipolar alcoholic).

The passage referred to how people who have had abuse and depression in their past were more susceptible to start relationships with unhealthy people. I had remembered reading this before and as before I was somewhat offended. I thought to myself, why are they labeling me as a bad choice maker? Hasn't my life been hard enough? Why do I have this stigma?

Then last week a light bulb turned on in my head. The reason I am more susceptible to starting unhealthy relationships is due to my past abuse. Because of my past abuse, I don't see the red flags like normal people. When red flags pop up I am sort of oblivious to them because mental disorders, abuse and drug addictions seem so normal to me. Am I on the right track? Or do I need to go back to the drawing board? 

Who's with me on this?

Yeah I'm with you. And it's like on some level trying to prove I am worthy of love if I can get things right this time.

[Turkish]

You know what you know, and you don't know what you don't know. It's so hard to step outside ourselves to experience the unfamiliar (healthy relationships), when all we've known is the unhealthy.

[Lady Sirrah]

Ah, we are all worthy. Have you heard of a scholar Brene Brown? She has spent over 8 years studying human behavior and "feeling worthy". Find one of her books. It will help you in that regard. 

I am trying to get past the feeling that I am destined for a painful life. One thing about this painful life, it's made me pretty damn strong. Well, it did until I married my BPDh. Now, I got to get back to strong.  :'(

[Trog]

This would come under poor boundaries no? And not poor thru any fault of our own but they experience.

We are targets, actual targets, lose boundaries, caregiver, those who shalt put up with 'o lot o ___o' - but the good news is we can change and learn... The bad news for them is, they rarely can, disorder makes it very hard to

[enlighten me]

I totally agree. When you are used to something its hard to see it for what it really is. We hear of these children raised by wolves. They dont see their behaviour as abnormal as they know no better. I realise this is an extreme example but if you think of children raised in an abusive enviroment or by an alcoholic or even a racist they are more likely to see the behaviour as normal. It is only when removed from this enviroment that the behaviours become apparent. This is why e have lightbulb moments when we split from our BPD SO as we only start seeing the behaviour when were out of it.

[Pingo]

Hi Lady Sirrah, I think you are definitely on the right track!

I'll paraphrase what my T says.  She calls it 'the devil you know', who is attractive to you bc they are familiar.  Your subconscious mind recognises that they have familiar traits, good and bad, to those of your parents or past people who hurt you.  Your subconscious wants to heal that original painful wound and this is why we attract these people.  To finish the job of healing.  Freud called this Transference.  I just finished reading a book called 'When the past is present' by David Richo which talks about this very subject.

[vortex of confusion]

I am with you on this. Also, I think it is difficult to see red flags with others because there are times when I feel like a walking red flag. To see those red flags, I would have to acknowledge defects in myself and accept that others might not want to be around me because of MY behavior. Does that make any sense at all?

[Lady Sirrah]

Your subconscious wants to heal that original painful wound and this is why we attract these people.  To finish the job of healing.  Freud called this Transference.  I just finished reading a book called 'When the past is present' by David Richo which talks about this very subject.

Yes! I need to get a hold of that book. And definitely read more about Transference. Thank you for the insight! Now I know why people sometimes say "I think you were attracted to him because you wanted to fix him." And I would be like, "No" and I meant it. But now I understand. I wanted to heal the world that I know. Am I saying it right?

To see those red flags, I would have to acknowledge defects in myself and accept that others might not want to be around me because of MY behavior. Does that make any sense at all?

It makes total sense. I feel that way too. I am starting to learn though, that I am worthy to be walking around in MY shoes. I don't have to be worthy for anyone else's shoes; my shoes fit me just right.