Sister with possible BPD

[stressedsister]

Hi,

My sister I believe has BPD. She is two years older than me and I am almost in my midtwenties. I frankly, for years just thought she had extreme emotions and was the most selfish person I knew. I love her but it has been difficult since I was twelve to live with my sister. She used to rotate between me being the best little sister ever and satan incarnet and evil. I have devoted my life to loving and serving God. I have lived overseas more than once on missions and been to many countries on missions. I am active in ministry in America besides my full time job.I feel like I try my best to live a Christian life and I truly love God and my family. If I wasn't a Christian it would be very hard for me to forgive her for things she did throughout most my young teen years and young adult life. I know I would have written her off a long time ago. Not because I don't love her but because it is so draining and hurting to see her treat EVERYONE in the family horribly.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to understand how if I do nothing I am evil and if I do something my intentions are always wrong. I am so tired of her ruining every holiday we ever have by becoming emotionally volitile and yelling or having a come apart. If we are lucky she controls it and calls later and tells off one or more of the family members.

Because my family just first thought she was just maybe a sensative soul and it was hormones we believed she would grow out of it. Now in her midtwenties it hasn't changed and she is in the process of her second divorce. I have to say this has been the worst holiday season I have experienced in my life. My sister had a come apart on Christmas and her only conversation topic is how evil her exhusband is.

I believe that my mother's mother, father, and brothers all had BPD. My grandpa was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I believe with my mom's childhood stories of her divorced parents he had BPD. I remember my grandma who lived till I was twelve always acted like she was either disaoppointed in me or loved me. I know that it is genetic but since I grew up with this as a draining normal way of life I worry that it could be easy for me to marry someone with BPD and not even see warning signs till I am engaged or married. I feel embarssed to take the guy I am dating home because I am unsure how to explain my sister's horrible or normal behavior depending on her mood for five minutes.

Because she has been in so many divorces she implied I was homosexual to make herself look better to her friends. I am a girly girl and I only date men I have only ever been attracted to men. I feel almost afraid to tie the knott because my sister and her serial marriages. She would only remember things that I did in my childhood that weren't nice. She implied she is smarter, better, and prettier than me every time she sees me almost. I am unsure how to cope. I work 45 hours a week at a well paying job and she implies that I am lazy. I help with her baby(she semi neglects) and my baby sibling and she implies I am immature. I don't marry the first man that I meet and she implies I am too picky. I go on missions and I don't back her when she is telling off my parents therefore I am a hypocrite and the worst Christian ever.

I am a huge family person but it has been tempting to move another state or region because it is so draining and I am so tired of her making everything about her. She is the perpetual heroine and victim all at once. She is NEVER wrong. Any suggestions? I am afraid when my parents die my siblings will NEVER want to have family gatherings with her. My mom borders on enabling her so she doesn't cutt us off and we would never see our nephew ever! I am unsure what would be the wisest decision for my own sanity. My reputation has been tainted depending on her mood swing since it is only people in close relationships with her sees this. Everyone else thinks and believes her fictitous stories until they get to know her in close relationships.

[Kwamina]

Hi stressedsister

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely see why you're stressed  BPD is quite a challenging disorder and having a sister with BPD can indeed be very draining. I have an undiagnosed BPD sister myself and can very much relate to you. Many of our member have BPD relatives So I think many

of them will also be able to relate to your story.

The holidays can be very difficult when there's someone with BPD around. I am sorry you experienced your sister's difficult behavior during this 'festive' season.

I believe that my mother's mother, father, and brothers all had BPD. My grandpa was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I believe with my mom's childhood stories of her divorced parents he had BPD. I remember my grandma who lived till I was twelve always acted like she was either disaoppointed in me or loved me.

Many of our members (me included) actually have several family-members with (suspected) BPD. Your grandpa was diagnosed as bipolar. It could very well be that he had BPD, it does happen that people with this disorder get misdiagnosed as bipolar.

Because she has been in so many divorces she implied I was homosexual to make herself look better to her friends. I am a girly girl and I only date men I have only ever been attracted to men. I feel almost afraid to tie the knott because my sister and her serial marriages. She would only remember things that I did in my childhood that weren't nice. She implied she is smarter, better, and prettier than me every time she sees me almost. I am unsure how to cope. I work 45 hours a week at a well paying job and she implies that I am lazy. I help with her baby(she semi neglects) and my baby sibling and she implies I am immature. I don't marry the first man that I meet and she implies I am too picky. I go on missions and I don't back her when she is telling off my parents therefore I am a hypocrite and the worst Christian ever.

It's an unfortunate reality of BPD that people with this disorder often tend to project their own insecurities onto other people and/or take their frustrations out onto them. It might help to keep telling yourself not to take anything she says or does personally because her words and actions are most likely not an accurate reflection of who you really are. Odds are that they are only a reflection of your sister's own inner turmoil and negativity. Not taking these things personally is easier said than done of course, I realize that  But I have found that if I keep repeating this to myself, it helps me to stay calm and not let my uBPD family-members get to me that much.

My reputation has been tainted depending on her mood swing since it is only people in close relationships with her sees this. Everyone else thinks and believes her fictitous stories until they get to know her in close relationships.

This is something I too find difficult to deal with. My uBPD mom and sis are also very good at putting on a 'mask' when other people are around. This can be frustrating  I try to deal with it by sticking to what I know are the facts. How do you deal with the stories your sister has told other people about you? Have those people confronted you with the stories she tells them?

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Stressedsister!

I am so sorry you are going through this.  At the same time, it sounds like you are describing my sister who is diagnosed with BPD and Schizoaffective.

My sister I believe has BPD. She is two years older than me and I am almost in my midtwenties. I frankly, for years just thought she had extreme emotions and was the most selfish person I knew. I love her but it has been difficult since I was twelve to live with my sister. She used to rotate between me being the best little sister ever and satan incarnet and evil.

Oh yes, you are either perfect or evil, there is no in-between in PBPD.  I remember before I knew about BPD how great it felt when she put me on a pedestal only to knock me down at the slightest perceived wrong doing on my part.   

I know I would have written her off a long time ago. Not because I don't love her but because it is so draining and hurting to see her treat EVERYONE in the family horribly.

I can certainly relate.  My BPDsis is horrible to everyone in our FOO also.  Her main targets are me and my Mom.  I've been NC and off again on again NC with her (mainly because she can't stop trying to contact me).  I do remember it being extremely hard when she originally cut me off (I guess she made that decision easy for me) but then I realized how peaceful my life had become when we were NC. My BPDsis doesn't have a child though and I can imagine that, that would make things much harder to come to that decision.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to understand how if I do nothing I am evil and if I do something my intentions are always wrong. I am so tired of her ruining every holiday we ever have by becoming emotionally volitile and yelling or having a come apart. If we are lucky she controls it and calls later and tells off one or more of the family members.

Just because she says you or your FOO are evil or wrong in some way, it's her perception, not fact.  To PBPD, feelings are facts.  I took me a while, and still I have to remind myself that when she says this nasty stuff about me, it isn't true.  You are not evil because she says so and you don't have to work for her approval.  My sis also ruins or attempts to ruin every holiday.  Even this year with her insisting that she didn't want to spend the holiday's with us and we are LC, she still managed to show up at my work two days before Christmas to tell me of her latest life crisis (after sending me a hate email 2 weeks prior) then decided we all needed another email on New Years Eve.  It's the old, get away from me, no come back. Misery loves company and they need to be the center of attention and if they are not having a good time, then why should anyone else?

Because my family just first thought she was just maybe a sensative soul and it was hormones we believed she would grow out of it. Now in her midtwenties it hasn't changed and she is in the process of her second divorce. I have to say this has been the worst holiday season I have experienced in my life. My sister had a come apart on Christmas and her only conversation topic is how evil her exhusband is.

I'm so sorry she ruined your holiday.  I don't know if this would help, but with my BPDsis, the way I got around her constant negative conversations she tried to instill was by practicing Medium Chill.  It's hard if the rest of your family doesn't practice it as well, but maybe she'll at least stop trying to discuss her drama with you. Here is a link for info on how it works. It has helped me immensely.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199831.0

I worry that it could be easy for me to marry someone with BPD and not even see warning signs till I am engaged or married. I feel embarssed to take the guy I am dating home because I am unsure how to explain my sister's horrible or normal behavior depending on her mood for five minutes.

If you educate yourself on BPD (which it seems like you are  ) I think you would be able to recognize the traits in people.  I can tell you my Mom I believe is NBPD, but she kind of just neglected me in a sense that she just left me to my own devices, which in a weird way saved me.  And my sis who is 8yrs older than me, I grew up thinking the behavior was normal and for a while I was acting quite selfish.  As I got older and spent more time away from them, I realized that is not how normal people act and decided on making myself a better person.  I met my DH who is amazing and found myself living a very positive life with him.  Don't let your sister or family history shy you away from living the life YOU want to live.  Do what makes you feel happy.

Because she has been in so many divorces she implied I was homosexual to make herself look better to her friends. I am a girly girl and I only date men I have only ever been attracted to men. I feel almost afraid to tie the knott because my sister and her serial marriages. She would only remember things that I did in my childhood that weren't nice. She implied she is smarter, better, and prettier than me every time she sees me almost. I am unsure how to cope. I work 45 hours a week at a well paying job and she implies that I am lazy. I help with her baby(she semi neglects) and my baby sibling and she implies I am immature. I don't marry the first man that I meet and she implies I am too picky. I go on missions and I don't back her when she is telling off my parents therefore I am a hypocrite and the worst Christian ever.

Oh yes, the smear campaign! This I believe is based mainly on her projecting her insecurities on you.  She feels her life is inadequate and therefore she needs to bash yours. My BPDsis has a HUGE problem when we don't back her point of view.

I am a huge family person but it has been tempting to move another state or region because it is so draining and I am so tired of her making everything about her. She is the perpetual heroine and victim all at once. She is NEVER wrong. Any suggestions? I am afraid when my parents die my siblings will NEVER want to have family gatherings with her. My mom borders on enabling her so she doesn't cutt us off and we would never see our nephew ever! I am unsure what would be the wisest decision for my own sanity. My reputation has been tainted depending on her mood swing since it is only people in close relationships with her sees this. Everyone else thinks and believes her fictitous stories until they get to know her in close relationships.

I understand wanting to leave the state, but then you would be leaving the rest of your family.  It's a tough situation.  My Sis also needs everything to be about her and is a professional Victim who is also never wrong 

If you are not sure if you want to go no contact with her, I would go low contact at the very least.  Practice Medium Chill and JADE is another good one.  Here is the link for that below.  I find that every so often I need to re-read these to remind myself what I need to do LOL.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Oh and I totally understand how they present a completely different demeanor around the outside world.  For the longest time our extended family and her friends didn't notice anything at all and bought all of the nasty stories about us.  When she cut off, she didn't have us as targets anymore and it became obvious to the outside world that she has issues.  I do remember how frustrating it was when no one else saw it though.   Even my FOO took a lot of convincing by me that she had a serious problem.  Finally it became obvious, but I'm the only one in our family that looks into her diagnosis and to read up on them, which in a weird way helps me. 

[lever.]

There is a very good book that you may be interested to read called "Boundaries" (I can't remember the author-2 Drs I think).

This book is very good at showing how we can have boundaries whilst still showing Christian forgiveness.

There is sometimes confusion between "Turning the other Cheek" and failing to hold people accountable for their behavior.

I found this book helpful as misunderstandings of Christian teaching had left me with very weak boundaries. This caused distress to me and was also unhelpful to my family member with BPD.

[beefree]

Boundaries is very good, it's by Cloud and Townsend. Another book with a Christian perspective that I found helpful was Bold Love by Allender and Longman. (talks about biblical categories of evil person, ordinary sinner, and fool, and how to deal with each)

[stressedsister]

Thank you, I will read the books(my mom read 'Boundaries' I hope to order them online and watch the links. I appreciate it. Anything helps. I am frankly getting rather discouraged at what has happened lately and something has to change to make this situation more bareable. It just feels like her emotions just spiked since the beginning of this divorce and when she is in termoil we all are because is at the house more when she is. I don't want to write off the entire family because of my sister's constant behavior. I am unsure how to deal with this logically. My thing is not forgiving my sister but living with her in my life daily(almost, 3x a week at least). Once I am getting over something either embarassing, humiliating, or demeaning something new comes up. Maybe it is because I am only in my twenties that I feel so discouraged currently(defeated and emotionally drained all the time), I most likely am too idealistic. I will become hardened to the berating and demeaning behavior over time but after working hard all week I am tired and I really don't want conflict.

When it comes to finding out things about my sister slandering me it comes in multiple styles. Either a person will tell me privately about what was said(close friends or family) I will gently brush it under the rug and basically state that she is just upset. When she refused to hug her husband for months when he and his family asked about it she stated we were not an affectionate family. (We always have hugged eachother, however, when she was a teenager she did not want hugs because she wasn't in the mood or something else, she literally refused hugs). However, if it is a family member I will basically state if it is a bold face lie. 

Most the people don't state anything to me I can tell if she has told them. If it is church friends or mutual school friends I will notice them distancing from me the more time they spend with her.  They will give me dirty glares or have a constant tone with me or ask strange questions privately. If she decides they are unworthy they are tossed to the side and ironically they are significantly nicer to me once she is done with them.  When I press her on this she says that they are just jealious because I am her sister and they aren't. That they are 'jealious' of our relationship. Frankly, I am not naivee people rarely just hate or arerude to someone in Southern America out of the blue. Most people at least try to be civil. Sometimes her public mask breaks and everyone sees how she acts around us. Some of my brothers friends have seen her sporadic behavior and have said semi loudly that she is being rude and shouldn't talk to mom or me that way. I just feel like I am constantly trying to process my life calmly but it feels so tense right now with her that I just almost feel numb to everything.

[Kwamina]

Hi again stressedsister

Thanks for providing this extra insight into what's going on with your sister. There are several resources on this site that might help you better deal with your sister. I've selected a few that I think can be helpful:

Setting and enforcing boundaries

Examples of boundaries

When dealing with someone who has BPD, setting and enforcing or defending boundaries is very important to protect your own mental and emotional well being.

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

S.E.T. is a technique developed for communication with a person with BPD. It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered. S.E.T. helps minimize the chance of (further) conflict while maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. Following the S.E.T. steps also helps you stay calm yourself.

I hope you'll find these resources helpful.