Is this BPD? How do I Respond?

[Fingal]

I am thinking intensively about my marriage to a possible BPD spouse, and not sure what to do. I would love some thoughts and possible advice.

I love my spouse, and really do not to divorce, but I am wondering if I can keep it together myself, or if I should.  We have been married about 15 years and have a school age child. I have endured periodic rages throughout, crazy, escalating fights where she would accuse me of being a horrible person who “loves to fight!”  Alcohol was almost always involved, often in excess (on both sides).

We started off so passionate for each other. I could do no wrong, she adored me for the first year. During that time, when we could fight I would always try to apologize first (it is my nature-if I realize I have been a jerk (and I often have been), I want to make it right), and sometimes she would not accept the apology and rage a bit longer, but would tend to forgive me the next day, and even claim it was all her fault. I never wanted her to take all the blame, just enough at the right time so we could deescalate of anger and end the arguments.

In the middle period (1-5 years) we had a good friendship, and romance.  Sex was less frequent, but still passionate, and memorable. We had each others’ back. However, soon after the child arrived, the sex ended completely. I was excluded emotionally as well. She stayed home from work for years insisted on sleeping with the child and nursing in the next room until he was 3. When the kid went away to school, the estrangement was habit. In the last three years, the anger has intensified and contempt and resentment are palpable, and no sex whatsoever (10+ years!). I am a bit of a workaholic, so I never really confronted any of this, I just let it drift along. If I ever  mentioned anything, she would shut me down or blame it on me.  Most recently, it is like she is constantly annoyed with me and has not given me a kind look or a kiss in years. The resentment and disappointment is almost constant. That is probably an exaggeration, but I can say that I hear signs of annoyance at least 25 times as often as I hear a kind comment. Meanwhile, weight gain, increased drinking, depression have been noticeable.  I have had some of the same issues. Midlife depression.

We just had a blowup, where I shared with a family member about the drinking, anger and possible BPD issues ( should not have, but was venting). Word got out, and she now claims she wants  a divorce. She claims I am the one with problems, and she is perfectly normal, and needs no counseling. However, I did get her to a counselor once, and she more or less broke down in tears immediately, as if some dam burst.

I want to make up and get her into counseling, she has just told me several time recently that I have gone too far and there is nothing left, and that nothing is going to change. If that is the case, it serves no one if I play the martyr and keep prolonging the agony. Divorce would be hell for the kid, of course, but perhaps seeing parents with normal relationships would be better in the long run.

I was struggling with another meltdown last year, when I began reading up on personality disorders, especially BPD. It seemed like a very good fit. Let me give you some traits and see if you agree or disagree with my initial thoughts.

1.   Severe anger issues

2.   Inability to see others’ points of view when angry

3.   Blaming, scapegoating.

4.   Sulking and stewing (muttering under breath at night with her latest battle), stirring and restirring old grudges and injuries. Stoking the outrage.

5.   Wants me as a negative advocate in all her intrigues, vendettas at work and around town.

6.   Cutting off relationships with her family cold.

7.   Severe alcohol abuse.

8.   No friends.

9.   Delusional and outrageous accusations when angry .

10.   Splitting (I think you are great, you are a horrible person!).

11.   Withholding.

Does this sound like BPD? (Bolded are the most notable).

I should say she is far more than this negative list. She is a funny, perceptive, curious, and highly intelligent person, a fiercely dedicated mother with a kind heart for animals and the needy, a love of nature, and has been a loyal friend to me over the years.

In my case, the BPD things were always there at some level, I think (In retrospect, I think they were part of the attraction, besides her ravaging good looks,of course!-I wanted to be needed), but the symptoms have intensified. I am not sure if this an emerging health problem, a sign she is done with our marriage, or just midlife craziness.

In my initial readings on this, it seems like some people recommend a softy, softy approach (validate, listening calmly (even if she is calling you a@@#sucking SOB), and others’ recommend a more masculine no bull___ approach (BPD women will eat you alive-they need boundaries, and you need to be a man to rekindle the fire, if that can even be done).

She is the love of my life, and I would love nothing more than to be one of those success stories eventually, but I have lost confidence in my judgment in this regard. It takes two to maintain a marriage, and if I can't get her to engage and work for our marriage too, I need to have the courage to let go.

[Mutt]

Hi Fingal



I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry for the difficulties you are going through. Feeling resentment, dissappointment day to day is hard. You have a long history together and it's frustrating when a marriage gets stuck. I can relate.

BPD is an emotional based disorder. Your ex is wired differently. Feelings are facts whereas facts then feelings for a pwBPD. A pwBPD are sensitive to rejection, she may feel invalidated ( you as well!) and conflict is escalated. I can relate, it's not fun and everyone loses.

We are not professionals and cannot diagnose. You can look at traits and behaviors.

Let me give you some traits and see if you agree or disagree with my initial thoughts.

1.   Severe anger issues

2.   Inability to see others’ points of view when angry

3.   Blaming, scapegoating.

4.   Sulking and stewing (muttering under breath at night with her latest battle), stirring and restirring old grudges and injuries. Stoking the outrage.

5.   Wants me as a negative advocate in all her intrigues, vendettas at work and around town.

6.   Cutting off relationships with her family cold.

7.   Severe alcohol abuse.

8.   No friends.

9.   Delusional and outrageous accusations when angry .

10.   Splitting (I think you are great, you are a horrible person!).

11.   Withholding.

Does this sound like BPD? (Bolded are the most notable).

We are not professionals and cannot diagnose. You can look at traits and behaviors. Here is the DSM - 5 criteria for BPD.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder - American Psychiatric Association DSM-5

The DSM-5 work group is recommending that this disorder be reformulated in the DSM-5 as the Borderline Type.

Individuals who match this personality disorder type have an extremely fragile self-concept that is easily disrupted and fragmented under stress and results in the experience of a lack of identity or chronic feelings of emptiness. As a result, they have an impoverished and/or unstable self structure and difficulty maintaining enduring intimate relationships. Self-appraisal is often associated with self-loathing, rage, and despondency. Individuals with this disorder experience rapidly changing, intense, unpredictable, and reactive emotions and can become extremely anxious or depressed. They may also become angry or hostile, and feel misunderstood, mistreated, or victimized. They may engage in verbal or physical acts of aggression when angry. Emotional reactions are typically in response to negative interpersonal events involving loss or disappointment.

Relationships are based on the fantasy of the need for others for survival, excessive dependency, and a fear of rejection and/or abandonment. Dependency involves both insecure attachment, expressed as difficulty tolerating aloneness; intense fear of loss, abandonment, or rejection by significant others; and urgent need for contact with significant others when stressed or distressed, accompanied sometimes by highly submissive, subservient behavior. At the same time, intense, intimate involvement with another person often leads to a fear of loss of an identity as an individual. Thus, interpersonal relationships are highly unstable and alternate between excessive dependency and flight from involvement. Empathy for others is severely impaired.

Core emotional traits and interpersonal behaviors may be associated with cognitive dysregulation, i.e., cognitive functions may become impaired at times of interpersonal stress leading to information processing in a concrete, black-and white, all-or-nothing manner. Quasi-psychotic reactions, including paranoia and dissociation, may progress to transient psychosis. Individuals with this type are characteristically impulsive, acting on the spur of the moment, and frequently engage in activities with potentially negative consequences. Deliberate acts of self-harm (e.g., cutting, burning), suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts typically occur in the context of intense distress and dysphoria, particularly in the context of feelings of abandonment when an important relationship is disrupted. Intense distress may also lead to other risky behaviors, including substance misuse, reckless driving, binge eating, or promiscuous sex.

1. Negative Emotionality: Emotional Lability

Having unstable emotional experiences and mood changes; having emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances

2. Negative Emotionality: Self-harm

Engaging in thoughts and behaviors related to self-harm (e.g., intentional cutting or burning) and suicide, including suicidal ideation, threats, gestures, and attempts

3. Negative Emotionality: Separation insecurity

Fears of rejection by, and/or separation from, significant others; distress when significant others are not present or readily available

4. Negative Emotionality: Anxiousness

Feelings of nervousness, tenseness, and/or being on edge; worry about past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful and threatened by uncertainty

5. Negative Emotionality: Low self-esteem

Having a poor opinion of one’s self and abilities; believing that one is worthless or useless; disliking or being dissatisfied with one’s self; believing that one cannot do things or do them well

6. Negative Emotionality: Depressivity

Having frequent feelings of being down/ miserable/ depressed/ hopeless; difficulty “bounding back” from such moods; belief that one is simply a sad/ depressed person

7. Antagonism: Hostility

Irritability, hot temperedness; being unfriendly, rude, surly, or nasty; responding angrily to minor slights and insults

8. Antagonism: Aggression

Being mean, cruel, or cold-hearted; verbally, relationally, or physically abusive; humiliating and demeaning of others; willingly and willfully engaging in acts of violence against persons and objects; active and open belligerence or vengefulness; using dominance and intimidation to control others

9. Disinhibition: Impulsivity

Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing and following plans; failure to learn from experience

10. Schizotypy: Dissociation Proneness

Tendency to experience disruptions in the flow of conscious experience; “losing time,” (e.g., being unaware of how one got to one’s location); experiencing one’s surroundings as strange or unreal

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

I should say she is far more than this negative list. She is a funny, perceptive, curious, and highly intelligent person, a fiercely dedicated mother with a kind heart for animals and the needy, a love of nature, and has been a loyal friend to me over the years.

I agree. Not all things are bad right? You fell in love with her for a reason. As far as your question on how to approach this soft or hard. I would like to give you some advice. I was in the hard camp when I was in the marriage, thinking that the more I pushed and the louder my voice is that I was going to be heard. Boy was I wrong. My ex taught me to be less resistant and accepting things for what they are. She has a disorder and it is difficult for her to cope and it was hard when I didn't understand the behaviors.

Change comes from you. Change doesn't come from someone else. A pwBPD need a lot of validation. It may be frustrating at first, with practice it becomes second nature. Learn different ways to communicate and less resistant than resisting the things we cannot control becomes win-win.

I'm glad that you have found us  

--Mutt


Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

Validation - Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family (52 minute video)

[Fingal]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for your thoughts. I have been reading on validation, and I really think that is something I have not been very skilled at providing.

This website is a great resource.