Setting myself free from an unhealthy 11year relationship with a BPD partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello I hope I'm posting in the write column as I have made the decision to leave my BPD partner, I no longer want to 'keep trying' but I'm unsure how to set myself free.

This relationship has lasted 11 years on and off. We have broke up numerous times in fact I have lost count. Our most recent break up lasted 3 years when I had a child to another man. But I realised I didn't love my babies father this year and we broke up. I was then pulled back into the BPD relationship as we have always stayed in touch. He lives in another country now but we were convinced we could make it work as he comes home every few months. 2 months after getting back together he ended it and didn't speak to me for 3 months. He came home this Christmas and we spent intense time together but as he was leaving I found out he had also spent time with another random woman. And then came back to me the following day showing his sexual wounds and pretending they were from his friends. I'm heartbroken and baffled as to how he could do this to me especially as he can't see the problem as he was 'technically single'. This is when I have begin to realise he has BPD. He's ended it again and won't speak to me because I was angry about the other woman. This needs to be the end now it's not fair on my daughter she doesn't deserve to see my pain he isn't her father so doesn't need to be in our lives. But how do I it? How do I let go? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Bpdexgirlfriend]

Hello I hope I'm posting in the write column as I have made the decision to leave my BPD partner, I no longer want to 'keep trying' but I'm unsure how to set myself free.

This relationship has lasted 11 years on and off. We have broke up numerous times in fact I have lost count. Our most recent break up lasted 3 years when I had a child to another man. But I realised I didn't love my babies father this year and we broke up. I was then pulled back into the BPD relationship as we have always stayed in touch. He lives in another country now but we were convinced we could make it work as he comes home every few months. 2 months after getting back together he ended it and didn't speak to me for 3 months. He came home this Christmas and we spent intense time together but as he was leaving I found out he had also spent time with another random woman. And then came back to me the following day showing his sexual wounds and pretending they were from his friends. I'm heartbroken and baffled as to how he could do this to me especially as he can't see the problem as he was 'technically single'. This is when I have begin to realise he has BPD. He's ended it again and won't speak to me because I was angry about the other woman. This needs to be the end now it's not fair on my daughter she doesn't deserve to see my pain he isn't her father so doesn't need to be in our lives. But how do I it? How do I let go? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Mutt]

 Hi BPDexgirlfriend,

I was then pulled back into the BPD relationship as we have always stayed in touch.

It may be wise as to have no contact (NC) as to not get pulled back in.

2 months after getting back together he ended it and didn't speak to me for 3 months. He came home this Christmas and we spent intense time together but as he was leaving I found out he had also spent time with another random woman. And then came back to me the following day showing his sexual wounds and pretending they were from his friends. I'm heartbroken and baffled as to how he could do this to me especially as he can't see the problem as he was 'technically single'.

I'm so sorry

It helps to learn as much about the disorder. BPD is complex and a misunderstood disorder.

Feelings = facts.

he can't see the problem as he was 'technically single'

Your feelings are hurt, you lose trust, it's also invalidating.

Dissociations is a BPD behavior. It's altering reality to match his out of place feelings. He knows he did wrong, he's changing reality to cope. It stings like hell nonetheless

Here's an article on how to leave a pwBPD. Silently is the goal.

Separating from "The Borderline" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Borderline", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Borderline" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Borderline" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... .

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Borderline" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality


Welcome to the family 

--Mutt

[Bpdexgirlfriend]

Thanks for your reply Mutt. It certainly does sting I feel like I have spent this time with a stranger, I've only just noticed this behaviour and realised what has been happening. The more I read about BPD the more things seem to make sense. I must say it's a bit of a relief to know the breakdown of the relationship wasn't my fault however, I do feel like I'm grieving a little for a partner I never had  thanks for your advice 

[Tibbles]

Great reply Mutt.

Having a plan is the big thing Bpdexgirlfriend. I left twice, once with no plan and came back, the second time I had a plan and was able to make the break. Once I left I was an emotional wreck but I had my support systems in place and that helped no end. Ask for help from those who love you, it makes a big difference. It isn't easy but it is worth it, especially as you have a little one to consider. I wish you all the best x

[Bpdexgirlfriend]

Thanks Tibbles and that's great news to hear you got out with a plan, I can relate to the emotional wreck part, it comes in waves, hopefully I will have the same success as you  x

[Bpdexgirlfriend]

Tibbles do u mind me asking how u did it in the end? Did u let the pwBPD know u were leaving for good? Did they have a diagnosis of BPD or did u tell them to explore it? x

[Tibbles]

Hi Bpdexgirlfriend

I was always being threatened with being thrown out and spent a lot of my time in the last year or so sitting at work crying ringing hotels getting prices, sorting out emergency accommodation and pricing holiday houses etc which is cheaper. I also for the first time started to talk to a few close friends, telling them short stories of some of his rages, trying to be as factual as possible about how we both acted to try to understand what was going on cause by then I was so confused I couldn't think straight. Their feed back that - no this behaviour isn't normal - helped me find strength in myself. So mentally I was sort of prepared to go and I knew my options of where to go.

The thing that made me leave was a crisis and a rage. Our/my cat was run over and killed. I'm the cat person and he is the dog person. My ex was originally great and then the switch flicked and he made it all about him. I didn't act appropriately in his eyes and so he made all sorts of threats etc. I said I would leave in the morning if he still felt that way. As usual he had calmed by the morning and didn't want me to go but he started on me again and I snapped. I remember yelling this has to stop. He got this totally disgusted look on his face and said his new life starts now and I said I won't come back. I left for work. Organised my accommodation for the next week. Came back home, our son (21) had packed a suitcase for himself and me and we left. We stayed in a holiday apartment for a week. A cheaper apartment for 3 weeks and then into a rental house. Been here ever since.

After things had calmed we tried to sort things out. We tried two different marriage counsellors. He didn't get on with either. I mentioned I had read about BPD and this might be something to look at. He read up on it and dismissed it - was very scornful of the fact I suggested it. He went to therapy. According to his therapist he is all fixed in ten sessions. Made major progress, he really enjoyed it and his counsellor is so impressed with the way he approached his sessions and there is nothing else the counsellor can do for him. His version of the counselling, whether that is how the counsellor sees it or not in another matter. But that's how he sees himself.

After numerous recycles we are NC and getting a divorce. A messy process but at least it is done.

My story in a nut shell. Good luck with your journey. x x