wanting her back

[new2pain]

I have been posting in new member, but seems like everyone here is going through what I am, scary how similar. I dont know if its possible to move those posts, so summary:

My gf did not leave until I discovered replacement, she says she loves me and I am everything she knows she wants but cant have because she is toxic and not capable.

I love her and want her back, this is first time she has left, had nc for about 4 days and she contacted me, thought we made progress, but as we talked i saw the signs and new she was getting anxious and would bail, told her i loved her but wouldnt chase her, she called later we spent couple hours together and then she was gone again... .She text happy new year, and i responded happy new year hope 2015 brings us together, this was midnight on NY... .Question is, should I try to contact her or continue nc? Im not trying to forget her, im wanting her back...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[new2pain]

Am i doing or saying something wrong to get no reply?

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are experiencing all this. It is very painful to go through these experiences.

There are some excellent lessons on the right hand side of the page that have helped me. I would start there and get as informed as you can be.

People will respond when they have suggestions. I didn't want you to think your post wasn't being seen.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself right now. You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy. So educate yourself. Read other peoples posts and the lessons. Be patient. She needs space and you need time to regroup. 

I think most of if start by wanting our partners back. But only through our understanding of the disorder is it possible.

[Mike-X]

I certainly understand wanting her back, and I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

As you probably have already learned, recovery from BPD typically takes a long time with considerable commitment from the person with the disorder. The loved ones are then there during that time dealing with the little signs of progress and backsliding. As you have probably also learned, it is best if the loved ones also invest considerable effort in learning how to interact with the person with BPD. Again, this also requires considerable commitment to becoming aware of and changing their responses, managing their own feelings when interacting with the person with BPD, and managing their own mental health.

For me (2 years into a relationship), I have learned so much about "who I am" in this relationship (and in past relationships). I have learned a lot about my biases and problem behaviors I've brought in, what my needs are, a lot about feeling compassion, etc. However, I am very much still a student at this point, knowing that I have a lot more to learn.

I believe that you are on the right path in coming to the message boards and doing research on BPD and what being in a relationship with a person with BPD might entail.  

Have you had a chance to look through the lessons and the threads on Staying, Undecided, and Leaving?

[new2pain]

Thank you for replying.

I have been trying to read all the lessons, just kind of seems like yo-yo of relationships is going faster than I can learn.

[hope2727]

Thank you for replying.

I have been trying to read all the lessons, just kind of seems like yo-yo of relationships is going faster than I can learn.

Maybe this time and space apart is a good thing for both of you then? I desperately wanted my ex back at the beginning of our split. I still do love and miss him. I would love to be with him but only with healthy him not dysregulated him. It has taken MANY months of reading and learning and counselling to realize that for myself. Perhaps this space and time apart can help you heal and be ready if you do reunite.

[new2pain]

Yesterday I did contact her by email, she responde with phone call and we communicate all day, later in evening she came by house to drop off dog and its so confusing... .During day little comments about missing what we had, when she was at house we were talking and i could tell she was about to withdraw so i did not push anything. Then early morning texting... .Its like her mind changes faster than she can keep up with.

[new2pain]

Update... .well we spent the day together, motorcycle ride, then dinner and a movie, kept talk real light, but she brought up relationship and conversation seemed to make sense, we talked about taking it step by step and she is firm on seeking ttherap.  Went back to house and things were still good. She left to go to her house and we texted back and forth during the night... .She told me to text or call her today and I did, but she again seemed very distant so Im trying not to push it... .Just not sure what to do... .

[EaglesJuju]

Update... .well we spent the day together, motorcycle ride, then dinner and a movie, kept talk real light, but she brought up relationship and conversation seemed to make sense, we talked about taking it step by step and she is firm on seeking ttherap.  Went back to house and things were still good. She left to go to her house and we texted back and forth during the night... .She told me to text or call her today and I did, but she again seemed very distant so Im trying not to push it... .Just not sure what to do... .

Hi N2P,

I am going to echo Hope, when she is being distant, space is a good thing. Also, I think keeping the conversation "light" helps especially when a pwBPD is dysregulating.

How do you feel the conversation about the relationship went?  Were the things you discussed achievable or feasible? I think taking it slowly is a good idea. 

Is she still in contact with the replacement? 

[new2pain]

Hi.

I think the conversation went good, she is acknowledging that she needs to see someone, she knows that I am on here and asked if there were success stories. We talked about not rushing back into things and taking it step by step, then rest of night was great, So I was feeling very positive and that things were achievable.

She works at same place as replacement so im sure there is some contact, but im not sure what status thats in.

[new2pain]

Yesterday was my neices birthday and i had invited BPDgf/ex? to go on Saturday when things were going good, she was being distant on Sunday and chose not to go, I told her that was fine and did not push her. While at birthday I put some pics on "my story" this is how my adult daughters and I share pics.  I got a text from her saying "spare me the pics".( they were not sent to her but posted for anyone to see)... I tried to use my best validation tools and she responded that she thought I was throwing things in her face and that she didnt want to see us having a good time. I told her I had taken pics of me and daughters and others while we were waiting for everyone else to arrive, and that my intention was not to throw anything in her face... .Her response was "Ok" and now back to the distancing... .Was my response bad, ive been trying to read everything I can on how to respond better

[EaglesJuju]

Have you set clear boundaries or mentioned anything to her about the replacement?  That would be something that would be important for me to address. 

I am glad you are feeling positive. It can be frustrating making a bit of progress then suddenly move 10 steps backwards. Keep posting and reading the lessons.  They really do help.

[new2pain]

Thanks, it is helpful just to post... .We started to talk about boundries and I didn't keep the convo on topic... I know it was wrong but I got caught up in the "good moment". Im really confused on how to bring up replacement? When we talked she acknowledged that she knew it wasnt a good thing and that she was running from her fears and that it was a cycle. She continues to talk about recognizing the issues and stating she is ready for help. Not sure what she is telling him, since we were together parts of fri and sat... .

Positive feeling is gone and been replaced with more confusion.

[new2pain]

More and more confusion... .Distant during day yesterday, then she called me on her way home, just to talk, then when she got to her house she was texting me. This morning I texted her good morning, she replied good morning. I waited a few hours and texted hope your having a good day. Now three hours and no response... .Should I be responding or go no contact... .Im very confused she is not saying mean stuff just switches from normal no issues conversation to silence... .She is avoiding seeing me, it seems like when she does it scares her because she wants to be with me and as soon as she leaves she starts to over think it, when I suggest that to her she says its like i am in her head... .sorry if this rambles, but its been the most confusing 2 weeks of my life.

[new2pain]

Just got text from her, said the T she called last week called her back today and said they do not take her insurance and she feels it was a set back.  I told her I understood how it could seem like a set back and that I had a list of providers(our cities have the same coverage)that I would give her and she could call when she was ready. Hope that was right thing to say? Seeing a T was her idea and I want her to go but feel like she needs to do it for her.