How many of us "nons" have a BPD or NPD parent?

[Cat Familiar]

I grew up with a BPD mom and I remember her telling me, "No one will ever love you like I do." I think I learned what love should be from her and as a consequence I ended up marrying a BPD husband with NPD traits. After a disastrous nearly 20 years, I divorced him and subsequently got involved with a very nice man who was diagnosed with PTSD and I suspect also had BPD traits. Then I married my current husband, who fits 6 out of the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD.

How many of you grew up with BPD or NPD in your household?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

OOPS double post!

[maxsterling]

My mother has a few BPD traits in the areas of mood instability and identity disturbance, and some abandonment issues that fall short of "frantic".  Or at least she used to.  I remember when I was a child she would get really upset (usually at my dad) over things that made no sense, always be in a bad mood if my dad had a business trip, and would get mad at others for things she caused (such as losing her keys).  Considering my brother has a BPD wife, my sister a likely NPD husband, and me a BPD wife, I can assume that my mom's behavior had something to do with the mates we chose.  I'm no psychologist, but I don't see where my mom would meet enough criteria for BPD.   The girlfriend prior to my wife would probably meet 5 or six of the criteria for BPD, but she fits in perfectly with NPD.  My current wife easily meets all 9 criteria for BPD. 

I think there is something to it from my FOO, somehow within the dynamic between my extremely calm and level headed dad and my extremely emotional mom that either normalized dysfunctional relationships for me, or put me so far in denial about them, that lead me into this.  I think denial kinda fits in with me - that I have a hard time accepting that my wife has almost no control over her emotions and is incapable of making calm and rational decisions.  I think that denial was modeled by my dad.  My dad was always trying to figure out my mom, coming up with theory after theory.  It might have been different if he sat me down one day and explained the dysfunction of their marriage and how it affected him.  Instead, I grew up thinking that it was normal for women to be emotional and it was the man's job to navigate around that and figure it out.

[Cat Familiar]

I think there is something to it from my FOO, somehow within the dynamic between my extremely calm and level headed dad and my extremely emotional mom that either normalized dysfunctional relationships for me, or put me so far in denial about them, that lead me into this.  I think denial kinda fits in with me - that I have a hard time accepting that my wife has almost no control over her emotions and is incapable of making calm and rational decisions.  I think that denial was modeled by my dad. 

Wow! I had the same dynamic--hyperemotional mom and totally rational dad. I modeled Dad's behavior and had contempt for over emotionality and guess what--both husbands have that trait!

And I just can't seem to wrap my head around not having control of one's emotions.

[bobcat2014]

My step father is a BPD. My mother endured his abuse and was kept in the marriage by his charm and manipulation for many years. According to my T, this is why I am codependant and a people pleaser.

[Ripped Heart]

I know for certain my father is most definitely NPD. His life revolves around cutting out those who he can't control and abusing those he can.

As for my mother, she plays a part somewhere perhaps as a result of her marriage to my father for several years before their divorce. Very invalidating, good at guilt tripping, adept at splitting and an expert of projection. However, I haven't seen enough evidence to say my mother has a PD but she does have a wide range of Cluster B traits.

[Notwendy]

My mother is full blown BPD and my father was her enabler. I never really understood his role in this until much later in life. I admired him and identified with him. He expected us kids to make mother happy, but that was impossible. Still, we tried. Nobody told us that there was something wrong and we were not allowed to say anything to anyone about what went on in our house. It was like Mommy Dearest, but if we said anything to anyone we would be in trouble.  It isn't a suprise that I became a people pleaser and codependent. I didn't even know there was another way to be.

I've read many books on marriage where we attract someone who is as undifferentiated as we are. For me, that is the incentive to do some hard work on changing myself.

[bobcat2014]

My mother is full blown BPD and my father was her enabler. I never really understood his role in this until much later in life. I admired him and identified with him. He expected us kids to make mother happy, but that was impossible. Still, we tried. Nobody told us that there was something wrong and we were not allowed to say anything to anyone about what went on in our house. It was like Mommy Dearest, but if we said anything to anyone we would be in trouble.  It isn't a suprise that I became a people pleaser and codependent. I didn't even know there was another way to be.

I've read many books on marriage where we attract someone who is as undifferentiated as we are. For me, that is the incentive to do some hard work on changing myself.

Great post Wendy!

[MissyM]

Wow! I had the same dynamic--hyperemotional mom and totally rational dad. I modeled Dad's behavior and had contempt for over emotionality and guess what--both husbands have that trait!

Yep, that was my parents.  Although when they divorced my Mom fell apart and and a nervous breakdown.  She has some BPD traits but is probably bipolar, mostly depression episodes but a few manic ones as well.  She is milder than her sisters, so comparatively was a bastion of mental health!

[ydrys017]

I think there is something to it from my FOO, somehow within the dynamic between my extremely calm and level headed dad and my extremely emotional mom that either normalized dysfunctional relationships for me, or put me so far in denial about them, that lead me into this.  I think denial kinda fits in with me - that I have a hard time accepting that my wife has almost no control over her emotions and is incapable of making calm and rational decisions.  I think that denial was modeled by my dad. 

Wow! I had the same dynamic--hyperemotional mom and totally rational dad. I modeled Dad's behavior and had contempt for over emotionality and guess what--both husbands have that trait!

And I just can't seem to wrap my head around not having control of one's emotions.

Both of these quotes apply to me as well.  Now that I know about BPD, I've tried to explain to my Dad a little about my Mom - but they got divorced 30 years ago and he doesn't seem to care.  He feels bad now about her abuse to me (verbal, physical and emotional), but he can only endure about 30 seconds of conversation about it.  Sad.  I need to determine what & when to tell my kids, S13, D9, S7 to break the cycle.

[Notwendy]

The "over emotional mother" and "logical dad" looks that way from the outside. However, that calm logic could also be a way of always looking good, which is not always a good thing either.

It was obvious that there was something going on with mom- substance abuse, constantly unpredictabe emotions, self harm, the whole nine yards and dad was either the hero or her victim. However, the bad mom/good dad illusion was also harmful because that is not completely true in relationships and it was very invalidating to my mom to be seen that way all the time. It was a giant step for me to see them both as having good and bad aspects, and I wonder now how much dad being her hero played into her being sick.

It would make sense that these relationship models went into play later. The over emotional female/cool logical, contempt for emotions man could apply to me, but there's the other side of it. Some of it is modeling by society-"men don't cry" but it can also be a way to block any attempt to communicate or face the emotional issues in a relationship. In my situation, attempts to do this were met with circular logical speech until I eventually became exhausted and broke into tears, or the response to being raged at or given the silent treatment for days. That's crazy making, especially if the cool logical one can then show that you are the one out of control.

What I did read in a book on marriage once is that we marry the person who is enough like our parents to make us work on our FOO issues, but someone who is different enough that it becomes possible- if we do the work. Seeing this was the incentive to find better relationship tools than the ones I learned as a child.

[ziniztar]

NPD dad

dead mom since age 5 but apparently over-emotional and possibly BPD

stepmom that is extremely passive and never said a wrong word to my dad

[charred]

Subject is interesting.

Been on this site quite a while... .early on, I would have said I was a non with an NPD parent. Later would have said I had a BPD and an NPD parent and was a non. Now... I wonder "non-what".

My mother's mother died when she was 5, and she was raised by very strict grandparents, as her father left for WW2... .result was a waif BPD mother... that I didn't think of as BPD, till becoming aware of the waif variety. Father could be poster child for malignant NPD... easy to tell.

In my case... saw a T, had some tests and I am not BPD, and only act NPD as a secondary personality trait (like when attacked)... .so it took a while to figure out any issues I had. Eventually SPD... .schizoid personality disorder... .was the call. Essentially I keep some distance from everyone, from having been burned so many times... but am in touch with reality, hold a job, smart, quiet, introverted.

Nearly all the drama with a pwBPD is ego driven, or egoic... and I find that the more egoic someone is, the more that false self makes it hard to consider that the real self might have issues. If your folks were BPD and/or NPD... .and you think you were unscathed by growing up in a house full of PD's... .maybe you are right, but its more likely that it is hard to consider that you were hurt by it all. I certainly put off going to a T for anything till after I was 50 yrs old... .and realize now, I should have worked on things in my 20's, back when my first terrible r/s with a pwBPD happened.

Read that about 70% of our personality's come from our parent's... .so... .be brave looking in the mirror.

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

Mother definitely had narcissistic traits, used me and my two siblings as extensions of her self to vicariously play out her own aspirations and dreams and drew admiration for herself through the way she presented us to others throughout our childhood.

Father physically absent during large part of early childhood because of career path. Later in teenage years emotionally absent through alcohol addiction. Did eventually go to detox and rehab and got sober once he left the military.

[Crumbling]

Very invalidating, good at guilt tripping, adept at splitting and an expert of projection.

RH - you've met my mom!  That's her, to a tee. 

Besides that, I don't really have a tight grasp on my parent's traits.  They've taken a path towards healing since I was a kid.  They are different now.  He was an teary alcoholic and she was a screamer.  He wasn't my real father so they treated me different than my step-siblings, both of them.  I felt like an outsider in my own home, and mediated their spats constantly.  I tried running away twice. 

I dont know what labels I'd put on them.  Maybe I don't care enough to spend the time to analysis it.  oh, there's cold and bitter me again.

[Boss302]

Neither of my parents was disordered, but there were definitely dysfunctional elements to our family that I think became part of my caretaker mentality. Mom was an alcoholic, and Dad was definitely co-dependent with her. When she got sober, he actually told her that he'd miss the poor, messed up little girl that she was when she was drinking.

My Dad was a VERY strong father figure - I think he always commanded my respect (and usually earned it) more than my affection. He refused to "give up" on her until he literally couldn't deal with it anymore. He finally packed us up in the car and threatened to leave her if she didn't stop drinking, and soon thereafter she did. Turns out that made an impact on her, but it wasn't her final straw; a trip to the doctor, who announced she was going to die if she didn't stop drinking, finally did the trick. But to my 14-year-old self, this was the pattern: co-dependence and caretaking until you can't take it anymore, and then the threat to leave, which corrects the behavior. I believe this imprinted on me very strongly.

When it was my turn "in the barrel" with my sick uBPDx - 18 years of it - I followed his lead and stuck with her, probably for far too long. I was her caretaker until I couldn't do it anymore. I had every reason to divorce her probably seven years before I finally did, but Dad's example stuck with me. And that's why I stayed. I hoped I could fix her... .like I believed Dad did.

In the end, I feel like I did the right thing by sticking it out until I couldn't anymore. If nothing else, my conscience is certainly clear. But God almighty, did it cause a lot of suffering.  

[Cat Familiar]

I felt like an outsider in my own home, and mediated their spats constantly. 

I'm another one who was a spat-mediator as a child.