How to deal with silent treatment

[startrekuser]

When my BPDw is upset with me, she gives me the silent treatment and ignores and avoids me.  So I don't talk to her either.  Why talk to her if she doesn't respond, right.  So she says this upsets her even more and that she wants me to come to her.  I may have asked this before, but what should I do?  Is this some sort of controlling behavior or should I, as the man, go to her to initiate conversation?

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[ydrys017]

I have the same issue, and would like to hear the feedback.  It is very hard to communicate when uBPDw is either giving the silent or hostile treatment, it's one or the other.  However, I'm told to 'be brave, and communicate - regardless as to how she responds'.  I used to to do that, but now I believe by responding in a kind way that I'm validating her poor treatment - so I do nothing.  Stalemate... . 

[bruceli]

I give mine some space, go LC, and let her dysregulation subside and let her balance herself out until the "pull" begins again.

[ydrys017]

Hmmm... .it's been 8 mos of LC, and I don't see any 'pull' happening.  I do appreciate the lower stress level within the house right now, so that's a plus.

[bruceli]

Hmmm... .it's been 8 mos of LC, and I don't see any 'pull' happening.  I do appreciate the lower stress level within the house right now, so that's a plus.

Up the ante... .perhaps time to move forward in a different direction?  Can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[Cat Familiar]

The only strategy I have for the silent treatment is to do something that I really enjoy. If he sees me (and often he will try to avoid seeing me in the house) and I'm obviously having fun, then he realizes that the only one who is miserable is him and his ploy isn't working, so he will abandon it sooner.

[believer55]

I have the opposite problem where uBPDh follows me from room to room and won't shut up. Since learning about JADE (which of course I was doing for hours on end) I keep my replies short and to the point. But when he starts to insult just to make himself feel better I shut down completly and give him the silent treatment. This usually escalates his anger at first but then he will tend to leave the house as he can't stand being ignored. At the moment this is the tactic I am employing but it probably won't work for long   

[Cat Familiar]

I have the opposite problem where uBPDh follows me from room to room and won't shut up. Since learning about JADE (which of course I was doing for hours on end) I keep my replies short and to the point. But when he starts to insult just to make himself feel better I shut down completly and give him the silent treatment. This usually escalates his anger at first but then he will tend to leave the house as he can't stand being ignored. At the moment this is the tactic I am employing but it probably won't work for long   

Perhaps I should have tried the silent treatment when my husband dysregulated last night. I told him I had to get up early and I didn't want to have that discussion, but he just kept trying and even followed me into the bathroom and kept talking. I've got to get better boundaries in place. 

[Grey Kitty]

There are several things that can appear similar:

Silent treatment -- Intentionally and clearly ignoring a person, treating them as if they don't exist. (This *IS* abusive behavior)

Time out -- Avoiding interacting with somebody because you know you are too upset to say/do the right thing. -or- Avoiding interacting with somebody because they are saying/doing something upsetting/abusive.

You may be accused of silent treatment when you are taking a time out. A pwBPD may start giving you the silent treatment, and then just get stuck in a pattern that is more like a time out after a while. A pwBPD may also choose to take a time out.

Whatever it is... .if you are the recipient, doing something you enjoy is your best bet.