Story so far: being 'friends' with exBPD after the split

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, in my wisdom (which later may very well be changed to 'stupidity), I am trying, out of compassion, to remain 'friends'.

I've posted about this before, and others said to make sure I was really clear on my reasons why. I am. We were friends for 10 years before our r/s, and I still have some care and compassion for her, but I will never go back to that r/s.

I've caught up with her 4 times now. We have low contact, and she text me after Christmas. She is very high functioning.

I tried to put a boundary in place during one conversation, where she didn't respond to something in a reasonable way - just left me hanging. I said I can't do push pull and then I got blamed for things of course, and got the 5 year old voice in the text about how friends don't tell friends what to do. That made me because I thought no, and partners don't scream at someone they love either, but let's not go there... .I can tell when she is being 'BPD-ish' about something, because her comments are usually accompanied by a !

Here's my observations so far:

1.  It will and can never be a genuine, normal friendship like those we have with healthy friends.

2.  The contact is very much a 'control' thing for her I think. she controls the contact basically. Generally she is not the 'last' text response in a discussion.

3.  The first few times I had massive anxiety before meeting up - this has got much better and in fact I had none the last time I saw her.

4.  The first few times I got 'angry parent' voice from her, and told myself if that happened any more, the 'friend' thing would be over.

5.  There is still a small physical attraction of course (I think we always retain something of that for even healthy exes for a while), but when I reminded myself of the crazy, I stopped thinking about that very quickly.

6. Mostly I observed how detached I was from her.

7. She has not suddenly become sober

8. She has not suddenly recovered and become the wonderful, normal person I once hoped that she would

9. She is stalking my brother's fb (because she can't stalk mine) and commented on what he is doing in his life.

The last catch up she was relatively 'normal' (as normal as they can be, but still nothing like the person she is with her frineds when that fun mask is on). I figured she was on the upside of a dysregulation cycle.

I observed even more BPD behaviour than I had noticed before. Things like she hardly looked me in the eye when talking - she left her sunglasses on for ages (even though it was cloudy and overcast), and kept looking off to the side.  When left alone while I went to the bar, for just two minutes, she was on her cell.

On walking towards me when meeting up, she looked away. No smile or wave. We had polite 'hugs' on meeting. There was still no humor in her conversation. It was the usual pragmatic, functional type discussion about what we have been doing /are doing. As usual I got some of the narcisstic 'advice' about what or how to do things. I got the usual 'secretive' discussion like telling me she was going to something with a 'friend'. I know who all her friends are so there was no need to pretend it was someone I didn't know. I had a small to myself about that. Things she said were inconsistent so that made me smile also. There was much 'pretence' about lots of things.

The day after our catchup she sent me a text with a link to an article we were discussing. There was nothing else in her email. Just the link. That made me too. So polite.

Anyway, I have a self-protect rule in place in that if the conversation gets abusive or nasty I will leave and denounce the friendship. If she or I end up seeing anyone else, I will have to leave out of respect for those arrangements and tell her I can't keep in contact.

I've read on here that they will continue to do the push-pull thing, and I'm okay with that providing it has a distinct friend flavor only. For a while I was anxious about her responding, but now I'm just meh about that so that doesn't bother me. I understand it is just BPD.

So early days for the friend thing. So far only about two months as 'friends'. In reality it is not really friends, it is just 'friendly'. Will let you know how this goes.

[parisian]

So, in my wisdom (which later may very well be changed to 'stupidity), I am trying, out of compassion, to remain 'friends'.

I've posted about this before, and others said to make sure I was really clear on my reasons why. I am. We were friends for 10 years before our r/s, and I still have some care and compassion for her, but I will never go back to that r/s.

I've caught up with her 4 times now. We have low contact, and she text me after Christmas. She is very high functioning.

I tried to put a boundary in place during one conversation, where she didn't respond to something in a reasonable way - just left me hanging. I said I can't do push pull and then I got blamed for things of course, and got the 5 year old voice in the text about how friends don't tell friends what to do. That made me because I thought no, and partners don't scream at someone they love either, but let's not go there... .I can tell when she is being 'BPD-ish' about something, because her comments are usually accompanied by a !

Here's my observations so far:

1.  It will and can never be a genuine, normal friendship like those we have with healthy friends.

2.  The contact is very much a 'control' thing for her I think. she controls the contact basically. Generally she is not the 'last' text response in a discussion.

3.  The first few times I had massive anxiety before meeting up - this has got much better and in fact I had none the last time I saw her.

4.  The first few times I got 'angry parent' voice from her, and told myself if that happened any more, the 'friend' thing would be over.

5.  There is still a small physical attraction of course (I think we always retain something of that for even healthy exes for a while), but when I reminded myself of the crazy, I stopped thinking about that very quickly.

6. Mostly I observed how detached I was from her.

7. She has not suddenly become sober

8. She has not suddenly recovered and become the wonderful, normal person I once hoped that she would

9. She is stalking my brother's fb (because she can't stalk mine) and commented on what he is doing in his life.

The last catch up she was relatively 'normal' (as normal as they can be, but still nothing like the person she is with her frineds when that fun mask is on). I figured she was on the upside of a dysregulation cycle.

I observed even more BPD behaviour than I had noticed before. Things like she hardly looked me in the eye when talking - she left her sunglasses on for ages (even though it was cloudy and overcast), and kept looking off to the side.  When left alone while I went to the bar, for just two minutes, she was on her cell.

On walking towards me when meeting up, she looked away. No smile or wave. We had polite 'hugs' on meeting. There was still no humor in her conversation. It was the usual pragmatic, functional type discussion about what we have been doing /are doing. As usual I got some of the narcisstic 'advice' about what or how to do things. I got the usual 'secretive' discussion like telling me she was going to something with a 'friend'. I know who all her friends are so there was no need to pretend it was someone I didn't know. I had a small to myself about that. Things she said were inconsistent so that made me smile also. There was much 'pretence' about lots of things.

The day after our catchup she sent me a text with a link to an article we were discussing. There was nothing else in her email. Just the link. That made me too. So polite.

Anyway, I have a self-protect rule in place in that if the conversation gets abusive or nasty I will leave and denounce the friendship. If she or I end up seeing anyone else, I will have to leave out of respect for those arrangements and tell her I can't keep in contact.

I've read on here that they will continue to do the push-pull thing, and I'm okay with that providing it has a distinct friend flavor only. For a while I was anxious about her responding, but now I'm just meh about that so that doesn't bother me. I understand it is just BPD.

So early days for the friend thing. So far only about two months as 'friends'. In reality it is not really friends, it is just 'friendly'. Will let you know how this goes.

[Blimblam]

If you want to be friends wait until you can be friends and be honest with yourself that's what it is.

These rs trigger deep seeded issues in us and we often act impulsively and/or out of desperation with overwhelming emotions in the aftermath of these relationships.

Wait until your in a space you have procesed the pain and you don't compulsively throw it in her face and/or have expectations on who the ex is suppoced to be for you. Untill your in that space within yourself you are not ready for friendship if that's what you want.

[blackrazor]

Wow, this sounds a lot like my ex, while we were 'friends'. She eventually split me black after some weeks though.

Its interesting the 'fun mask' you mention. Can you describe it more? I had noticed that in my ex as well, she could be distant with me, and her friend would come over and they would be carrying on and laughing for an hour non-stop. We would have fun too sometimes, but it wasn't to this extent. Is it just a mirroring thing, or maybe some attempt to get the friend to like them more.