1) What do you think are the signs that a kid is having a hard time? What were you showing or saying at what age? Do you remember if the way you reacted changed as you got older?
A child that doesn't smile, engage with others easily, and is very withdrawn.
I was pretty much mute until about the age of six. I didn't speak very much to anyone, even in my family. I did begin to engage more when I met my second grade teacher who I just adored and thought was an angel. I think I wore her ear out.
I still was very withdrawn and depressed up to my high school years. Once I entered college, I felt very unprepared emotionally to be on my own. I was more able to make friendships, but still had a lot of emotional problems which made it difficult to focus on college.
I am not sure about the last question, but I assume you are getting at how I reacted to BPDmom as I got older. I was terrified of her up until about age 17. At this point, I stood up to her, and the last time she went to hit me, I raised my hand and told her to go ahead, because I would hit back. I still was very dependent on her approval and what I thought was love until I was about 35. At this point, I started to look for ways to disengage from family emotionally. I wouldn't allow her to call me and tell me how upset she was with one of my siblings. I told her to tell them directly. I also set firm boundaries around her yelling and screaming at me on the phone. If she continued this, I would hang up. I also didn't respond emotionally to her ridiculous and antagonizing statements. This seemed to really piss her off, but when she didn't get what she wanted, she either calmed herself, or I would tell her to leave.
2) Did you ask your dad to help in any specific way? Do you think he should have noticed something he didn't? Do you feel he was complicit?
This is sort of a loaded question. We kids used to laugh and joke about our mom's "affliction". Not to her face, and not in a way to denigrate her, but as a release to all of the insanity. We even went so far as to ask our dad to take her to the doctor to get her some medicine to make her sane. All of this was sad with a laugh, and he just laughed it off. He always told us that out mother loved us. But, then, he had his own issues. I don't think that he was in a position to offer help. He had secrets that would have landed him in jail if he had confronted our mom and tried to rescue us from her. He really was just as bad parent. I think he would fit NPD diagnosis.
I am not sure that he missed much. I did confront him and asked him how he could have laid in the bed and listened to my mom beating my sister and brother. His response was that he had talked to her about hitting us kids.
Do I think he was complicit? COMPLETELY!
3) Assume a dad is codependent. Do you think you did (or should have) done or said something to shake him to smell the coffee?
Hmmm. Well, not to be a smarty-pants, but you start your question with a generic dad, then ask specifically about my dad. So I will answer this question from own experience with my dad. Would anything have awakened him to the situation? Well, he was abusing us kids as well, just in a different way. So, I don't think he wanted any attention drawn to what was going on in our home. When I confronted him 10 years ago with everything, he denied that most of what I said happened.
4. If you could give dads advice of what to do to help kids, What would they be, short of divorce? Did your dad protect you in any way, and if so how? Did it work (if he did) or did it fail?
Short of divorce? Why is this not an option?
Okay, so for the best of the family, it would optimal that mom enter therapy and dad also see a therapist to understand why he felt comfortable with someone who has BPD. I think it would also be important that dad learn to set boundaries with mom and probably put safeguards in place to prevent mom from having unsupervised contact with her kids. My mom was famous for waiting until there were no witnesses to tell us kids something very personal, and very inappropriate.
5. If the dad is concerned that divorce is more harmful than the behavior of the mother toward you, what would you tell them?
I told my dad that I understood why he stayed in his marriage, because he had control over her and if she got healthy, then he would loose that control. My dad communicated through my mom to us kids. Pretty much all decisions made in the home were made by my dad, and reported to us kids by my mom.
. If they didn't divorce, do you wish they had? What if you knew you were going to be placed with your mother? Or would you want your dad to try to get custody or placement?
This was easy. I didn't want to be taken from the only insanity that I knew as my family. It wasn't until I was a young adult that I began to see the problems in my family. Placement would not have guaranteed that we would not have been abused further. My father's side of the family were scary, so that would not have been a good option. My mom had very little contact with her FOO.
7. Do you have any tips for dads who really are open to doing anything to have helped you?
Stop thinking about how confronting your wife will affect her or you. You two are NOT the most important people in this family, the children are! Put your children's needs first. Nothing else matters. Find a good therapist to get your own head straight, no matter the backlash from your wife. Create a great network of friends and family for support. Focus on peace and tranquility at all cost, and not the preservation of the family at all cost.
Hope this helps your research.
