NC Broken and so am I

[Whitebread]

6 weeks no contact was broken this week.

He called, I hesitated but answered. 

As explained in another thread, i left after a huge argument, he'd threatened violence, he'd been manic for 3 days, and I just had to HAD to get out.

I won't go into the details of what was said by whom other than the fact that this was by no means the first big argument we'd had, 2 mos. prior he'd been manic again for several days, fighting arguing depriving me of sleep and then ranting for hours  at me one night, following me when I tried to retreat into another room and then... he struck me.  That really was the end for me and looking at it now, I'd spent the last couple months with him detaching myself.

So my leaving was no great shock.  It didn't just happen.  It had been brewing and he damn well knew it.  I told him he needed to get help the day he hit me and he agreed to, he knew what his behavior was doing to me, and that he wouldnt blame me if

I went.  He asked that I stay until he got some things taken care of and could focus on getting help since we assumed he was bipolar and there would be meds involved, understanding the difficulty of that process, I agreed.

Well the phone call went as you can imagine--HE was the victim.  I CHOSE that day, at that time, when everything was falling apart ( equipment etc) to leave so it would have the biggest possible impact and hurt him the most.  That he didnt see it coming.  He was blindsided-- just like when his exwife left him... Wow.  What a distorted view of that day.  He has rewritten history, as they do. 

And then, horrible person that I am, I didn't even CALL him in 6 weeks! 

There was no, NO mistaking that I was leaving for good that day.  I said it, I took things that were important to me, I took the dogs, and there was no way to misinterpret the words " I'm DONE"!  And yet here he was, angry on the phone that I didn't call him after a few days.  I left him hanging.  Yeah.

Did I specifically tell him I was going NC?  Nope.  He's a very intelligent man, he knew.

Anyway, the call was full of accusations, full of complaints of the problems I left him with, how awful it had been... .me me me.  He raged a bit.  Idiot me let him.  When I could get a few words in I explained I left when I did, how I did for self preservation.  No it wasn't planned for that specific day.  No, I hadn't considered the problems he'd be left with with equipment breaking down etc.  I left to save myself, period.  The stress was killing me.  Quite literally.  And frankly, I said, I didn't LEAVE him, he PUSHED me away with years of temper tantrums and horrible behavior.  Unrelenting viscous verbal diarrhea.  Just as he has done with every person in his life.

And when we started to yell again, I simply hung up on him.  Turned off my phones.  Left the house.

Then, the emails started.  Pointed at first. Then conciliatory.  Claims that he didnt realize at the time what he was doing to me.  That he'd hurt me that badly.  That he was sorry for hurting me ( first apology for anything in 10 yrs)

That he was doing the work on himself, and that he loved me.  And while he's "owning" his stuff, outside stressors to our relationship are to blame too.  Yes, we've had alot of really bad things happen in a short period of 4 years:  my sisters death, his mother's death --we took care of her dementia, at home for 3 years until she passed there, death of beloved dogs, my cancer, 2 back surgeries for me, a failed business attempt and this past spring, my father's death (I also cared for him at home every other week for 3 yrs). Yup, alot of stuff.

So now, I'm wavering I think.  I feel myself softening toward him.  And it makes me afraid.  I don't want to be there with him, but find myself considering LC with the goal of trying to rebuild trust and friendship. 

I'm paying attention to the physical reactions I'm having since breaking no contact and I don't like them.  Headache, pain above my heart, intestinal stuff, feeling like I can't breathe.  Anxiety.

Again.

My dear best friend for the last 30+years gave me a gift, a necklace that reads "I'm a better me because of you".  And it's particularly sad that I can't say that about the man I love and spent 10 years with.

I just felt like I needed to get this out, see it in writing and come to terms with what I already know in my heart:  While I would die to save him, I cannot commit suicide to make him happy.  And that is what I'd be doing if I jumped back into the fire.

Thanks for reading, suggestions/ comments welcome.

[downwhim]

Whitebread,

I am sure the advisors/monitors on this board will come up with great advice on how to handle your situation. I can see both sides. You two have so much history together and the thought of him getting better through therapy all sounds good. The familiarity and the addiction are pulling you. Your fear is causing anxiety. It is hard to think about living without this chaos (quiet) but hard I am sure deciding to put your toe back into the icy water. It is lonely being on your own especially after 10 years and all you have been through together.

My heart goes out to you because I know I would want my ex fiancé BPD too. Even after all the hurt and pain. I would want him too. Now we need to ask ourselves how do you trust again? Why do you really want to go back? What is truly in it for you?  

[patientandclear]

Whitebread,  .  Wow.  Hard stuff.  Are you feeling any clearer on how you want to be oriented toward him and his reported changes?

I can say that, after 14 years in an abusive marriage (not my BPD r/s), I really really wish I had waited to see what my H actually DID about healing and growing and changing.  Rather than jumping in while he was ostensibly making those efforts and sort of co-owning them.

I dunno.  If he'd really done the work (frankly, if I had required that he really do the work to get back together), maybe we could have had something worth having.  Maybe your nerve endings could recover enough after being repeatedly singed all those times with your guy, that you could be with him again in a way that felt good and deep and trustworthy.

But when you've endured as much toxic impacts as it sounds like you have, I think it would take a lot for you to truly have the assurance you should have that it is worth caring and opening up again.  Why not wait and see if he ends up in that place, where he has clearly, demonstrably done the work?  Where he acts very different and does so in a sustained way?  If he does, you can welcome him then in a way that isn't all hedged and partial and compromised.

[Tibbles]

Hi

Wow - your ex sounds a lot like my ex. I too didn't want to leave but was pushed away by the threats of violence and the verbal abuse and verbal diarrhoea that was so abusive.  Mine too made out he was the victim in it all. I totally get the wavering, especially if he is making all these statements about working on himself etc. If he is serious about working through his issues then he needs to be actively engaging in counselling. That is a big ask. I'd be holding off looking for something you can recognise as progress. My experience has been lots of claims by my ex he has made progress but nothing I could recognise as change.

Trust and friendship with a exBPD is also a big ask too. Your anxiety attacks are giving you an important message. Maybe it is your time now. Maybe you need to focus on healing. Maybe you are not in a position to be a friend, maybe you are so hurt and so raw you need to give yourself time and a break. You have been through so much and given so much, I think that it is now time to take care of you.

I have come across a saying that has helped me through it all - "Sometimes the heart need times to catch up and know what the head already knows". Its a hard place you are in. Take care x x x

[Whitebread]

Thanks for the kind words, I knew you guys would 'get it'!  Ugh, what agony this is!

He sent another long email, telling me that while he accepts his part in all this that he will not accept the full blame for MY baggage (of being a caregiver personality, of my family's habit of taking advantage of me to always be the one to call for help) etc.

i told him I was seeing a T to help me sort out my issues and inability to enforce boundaries.  I think he's feeling threatened by this... .a past relationship of his ended badly ( shocking isn't it) and he blamed the T.  And some other personal issues with a T he was seeing who promised to go to court with him while going through his divorce 20 yrs ago and didnt show up.  He uses those examples to prove that Ts are not trustworthy.  He entered therapy several yrs before I met him and openly admits he was hostile to the guy, and spent his sessions sparring with him intellectually rather than working on the problems he was paying the guy to help him with!  Defensive much? 

He was honest enough by saying I'm not promising you something I know I can't deliver on just to bring you back... I may mean it with all my heart that I will change and everything will be better... .I can't promise you that... but I can tell you I will try my best.

So the overall tone of this email is defensive, he's twisting things around again and trying to deflect blame.  I've been careful to word my emails to not be accusatory but factual, and taking (more) responsibility for the breakdown of the r/s by not being more diligent in holding my boundaries and holding him accountable for his stuff.  He is so fragile and volatile, I needed to speak my truth but didn't need to knock him over the head with his.  Again, protecting him is so hard to stop!

The observation that actions speak louder than words is spot on, thank you.  He is feeling the full brunt of his part of the breakdown:  living alone, carrying the full weight of his own life for the first time in 10 yrs... .physically and financially.  And feeling pretty sorry for himself.  He has no one.  No family other than his 21 yr old son who avoids him like the plague.  No friends, all painted black for slights mostly imagined.  There was and only has been me these past 10 yrs, 24 hrs a day.  Very very unhealthy situation.

I havent responded to his email other than acknowledge it and tell him I would be responding when I could.  Your help has given me the clarity to decide that for now, I will stay right where I am, and he can go ahead with his work, or not.  The sense of urgency is HIS panic at the full reality that he must rely on himself and do his own work.  It is not MY panic and I cannot accept it as mine.  I only panic when I think about physically going back. (I'm nearly 2 hrs away staying with his arch enemy, my mother).

LC is ok I think, I'm feeling ok with supporting his work via phone or email.  And it's pretty empowering to hang up that phone when he's being disrespectful... .the other day was the first time in my life I'd done that.  To anyone.  But he's done it to me several times.

Thank you again, I'm so grateful to have this available, and to have such thoughtful, caring people just a click away gives me such comfort and hope that I'll be okay... .